auburnpisces

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go

2011-11-03T09:39:00.000-07:00

I used to sleep through the night. Well, as much as “through the night” meant.

When I was younger, I only required four to five hours of sleep a night. That would have been in my 20’s when night-clubbing in San Diego was key to my existence. I was living along the coastline (Encinitas, Del Mar, Pacific Beach) and kept a busy social calendar. Margaritas and dancing the night away or hanging out on the beach at some beach party or having cocktails on the deck of some beachfront bar.

I would blast into my beach apartment around 2:30 a.m., sleep until 6, pop out of bed getting ready for work and head out the door. Feeling fatigued never entered my consciousness .

In my 30’s, sleep gradually crept up to six to seven hours a night of sleep. One day I realized how good I felt and when I assessed what was different I realized I was sleeping more. That then created the battle in my head of ‘oh my god, I’m getting old.’ I fought the added hours and tried to go back to four to five just to prove a point but it just wasn’t worth it - although I did lie for a long time and say I only needed four to five hours because I thought it made me seem invincible. Dumb.

When I was 34 I had Auburn Aries. At that point I’d have given anything I owned for four to five hours of sleep. Talk about fragmented. Eventually though it levels out in a few years you get back to a full night’s sleep. Yes, I said years. Here’s the deal once you have a baby… gone are the days of “dead to the world” sleep. You instinctively sleep lighter because you're listening for the baby.

As I entered my 40’s and she got older I embraced eight hours of sleep. I acknowledged my body’s need for a good night’s sleep and was no longer embarrassed when I said I went to bed at 10 p.m.

When Auburn Aries turned 10, Golden Boy gave us a Chihuahua puppy. Seven weeks old, 13 ounces and not potty trained. Auburn Aries is such a heavy sleeper, the training became my responsibility. So at age 44 I was getting up every couple of hours to take the puppy out. Which, by the way, took longer to walk her outside than it did for her to pee her six little droplets of pee. Damn dog.

At some point in my mid-forties and without me realizing it I began to pee in the middle of the night. Much the same way the dog was training me and not vice versa (she still needs to go out in the middle of the night – who am I to expect her to hold it if she has to go? It’s that or check the carpets non-stop), I may have trained my bladder to go as well. Take the dog out, pee before crawling back into bed.

Now even during the hours the dog is sound asleep, I STILL have to get up and pee. What the hell?! I’ve actually digressed to childhood and don’t drink beverages after 8 p.m. (or I try not to). I steer clear of caffeine. I have dreams about needing to pee and realize I really do have to go and wake up shocked at how bad I have to go. What is that?! Is there some magical switch that gets flipped once you cross into your forties?

So let me summarize my sleep habits. 10 p.m. bed, read until 10:30, sleep until around 1 a.m. when the dog wakes me to take her out, come back in pee and go back to bed, sleep until around 2:30 and pee again. Sleep until 4 and pee again. Sleep until 5:30 and wake up before the alarm with a full bladder and lay there trying to convince myself just to enjoy the last 15 minutes until the alarm goes off. Infuriated I throw back the covers, go pee, and crawl back in bed for the last 15 minutes. I should just stay out of bed at this point that last 15 minutes’ll get’cha. 15 turns into hitting the snooze twice and waking up exhausted at 6 a.m. I throw on some yoga pants and a top and drag my tired ass down the hall to my home office to login to work.

Gone are the nights of eight glorious, uninterrupted hours of sleep. Shit, gone are the days of four to five hours of uninterrupted sleep. Sure, I can sleep in on the weekends but during the week I’m getting my ass handed to me. I’m up every two’ish hours all night long. And it’s not going to get better when Auburn Aries goes to college because guess what? I’LL STILL HAVE THE FUCKING DOG WHICH WILL PROBABLY LIVE UNTIL IT’S 18 YEARS OLD. She’s on four and a half now. Damn small dogs.

There are things I love about being in my forties. I love that fewer of the little things bother me anymore. I pick my battles and simply just let the other shit go. Being at peace and having that kind of power in your life is amazing. I love that I can get a read on a person in two seconds and be dead on. Of course that’s been a gift I’ve had most of my life but it’s rarely wrong now. I love my laugh lines because I’ve earned them. I appreciate a good conversation more than going out dancing. This chapter is good.

I have conversations with Golden Boy where talk about life. He’s in his 20’s. I am able to tell him what to expect, what to do now versus later, how to deal a given situation and look outside the box. He has the advantage of someone with more life experience to guide him. Why didn’t someone warn me about some of this getting older stuff?!

Hot Toddy and I talk about how our conversations have changed over the last almost decade. It was once boys (and girls) and getting laid. Now it’s about what prescriptions we take and how we’re starting to feel the aches and pains now we’re no longer bulletproof.

Eh, what can ya do? Maybe tonight I’ll grab an early bird special and go to bed around 8. Centrum Silver anyone?

Chapters

2011-11-02T17:42:00.000-07:00

I frequently find myself assessing my life and I have to shake my head at how it’s changed. It’s true what they say, ya know. The events in your life are simply chapters of the entire story. Sometimes the chapters are short and sweet; other times they are chapters filled with detail and take a while to get through.

I became friends with Hot Toddy in March of 2003. We were instant friends. I love his wit and sense of humor. His compassion is unmatched and he’s honest. I love these things about him. For seven years we did everything together. We shared many a tear, many a laugh, many a cocktail. We were roommates. We looked out for each other. Not a day went by that I wasn’t thankful for his presence in my life. In fact, there’s a psychic that I’ve seen a couple of times and she looked at a picture of Toddy and said we were related in two past lives. Once as siblings and in another life he was my Dad. I never questioned that Toddy and I would forever be friends nor do I do now.

But if someone had told me two years ago that he’d be living in Minnesota and I’d be here in Portland without him as part of my daily life, I would never have believed it and probably would have called you an ass for saying something so mean!

We’re still friends and talk all the time but our time together in Portland was a chapter. I just didn’t know to see it as that.

I look at Auburn Aries’ progress in the last few months. Oh, there have been hiccups. There have been things that have downright floored me and not in a good way but now that she’s headed toward being 15 it feels like it’s all happening too fast. I know she still has more teen years in front of her than behind her, but the end is in sight and I can’t stop it from coming. Soon enough she’ll be headed off to college to find her groove and conquer the world writing her own chapters.

In mid-school she struggled. Her anxiety spiked up, she had stomach aches all the time. Kids bullied her about her weight. She was miserable. She missed a lot of school. It seemed like there was no end in sight. It was a tough chapter.

Then she strides into high school with her head held high and in what now feels like “overnight” she’s become a young woman. Another chapter.

I look at my life here in Portland. At one point I had friends and did things and shared laughs and dinner parties and evenings out and went to plays and now I live a really quiet existence. Admittedly when Toddy and my friend Do Rag Dan moved away it was like I was left to deal with the ghosts of friendships past (to borrow a phrase from my friend Pua). Toddy was in a new town and lonely. I was suddenly lonely and I hadn’t gone anywhere.

Now I’m home every single night. I have no real social life, no dating life, no circle of friends that live close by, no one to meet for coffee while I vent (which I really could have used this morning). And although this sounds like a pity-pot party for one, it’s truly not. I’m okay being alone (a refreshing chapter). It’s not that I’m “too old” for a social life but the chapter that was the bar scene is closed.

The never ending hunt for the perfect mate feels unnecessary (glad to close that chapter for now). I spent the first half of my life in relationships with both men and women and let me just say that there’s a lot to be said for hogging the bed and not having anyone freely sharing their opinions about my parenting.

I see my time in this small town where we live outside Portland as a chapter. We moved here from the island to be closer to Auburn Aries’ schools. It’s admittedly too small a town for me. There are only five stop lights and no culture. It’s a sacrifice I make for Aries. She deserves to have consistency in her life and I’d like for her to graduate with the same group of kids she started out with.

She, on the other hand, would love to move to SW Washington to be closer to her Aunt and her Dad. Moving her closer to her Dad would be a huge chapter and I don't want to keep her from that. Goddess knows their relationship has been strained for a long time. I hesitate until I can *really* contemplate that request. It's not like I'm giving up a life I've built here. I'm pretty mobile and I have nothing keeping me here.

I best think about that one a while longer. Although I can’t wait too long, she’ll be out of high school soon.

As I get older I realize that these are all the things that make up your life. All the decisions. The good and bad, highs and lows, the struggles and the heartache, and trials and times you think you just cannot take one more fucking thing. Eventually we all deal with the hand we’re dealt and the chapter ends and another begins. One day you look up and you realize you’re no longer spending time within the pages of that life event and you’re smack in the middle of different one.

I’ve learned to appreciate where I am in the moment and appreciate what I have because you never know. One day your best friend will move away or your daughter will graduate high school and you won’t see the opportunities for growth right in front of you because you're so caught up.

I know these are the ramblings of a woman who's not blogged in a very long time. Perhaps I just needed to get my groove back in blogdom. Perhaps I needed to use this space to take stock of where I've been and where I'm headed as I contemplate the decisions before me. Either way it'll be a chapter in the pretty decent story of my life. If I don't like it where I'm at, I have the luxury of picking up a pen and writing something new.

Don't Sit it Out - Poet Laureate 2011

2011-06-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

Poet Laureate Speech

By McKenna Hendrickson

Scappoose Middle School

June 2, 2011

Don’t Sit it Out

I love to dance.

I love to dance, except when I let myself listen to the voices in the hallways at school that say, in so many ways, “you don’t look like a dancer.”

I’ve been big and tall and red haired for years, and I have learned a thing or two about trying to ignore unkind laughter.

And this is what I know: you have to take it as a dare, and then you have to take the dare.

You have to come back to school when school sends you home crying. You have to get up, put on your game face, fight with the doubt inside yourself, stand up straight even though you want to disappear and insist upon your right to public dignity. You have a right to that, and you have a right to more. You have a right to dance.

People will tell you to hide – to make yourself less visible. Don’t do it. Don’t listen when they say that you’re too big, you’re too small, you’re too slow; that you’re too cool, you’re too clumsy, too awkward, too loud, too much, or not enough. Even if the steps you make aren’t elegant, for a few minutes, you might find that everything makes sense.

Dancing is more than a string of movements. Dance is more than dance itself. It’s writing or building or cooking. It’s painting, collecting and singing. It’s clarinets and trombones and soccer and programming Java. It’s picking flowers and growing tomatoes, building computers, and solving equations. It’s jumping and spinning and leaping. It’s knowing that having a good heart is the most important thing. It’s having a voice.

This is what it is: it is awe, and it is wonder.

To dance is to tell a story. Tell your story. Find that dance that makes things right. Find the dance that pushes away the worries about peer pressure, being clumsy, and the SATs; about looking like a clown, homework, and untied shoes. Find the dance that sets aside fear about grades, getting a job, gossip and asking the right questions.

Classmates, parents, teachers, I hope you all dance. I hope you all recognize the right of every single person to be in the dance.

I hope you swim, think, and fly. I hope you sing, fall down and get up. I hope you think about what you say, run hard, laugh loud, and spin around in circles until you collapse in the grass.

I hope you have someone like my mom, who trusts me to be a decent person, who knows I’ll pull through the hard stuff, who reminds me that I am capable of great things, who gets me out of bed, pushes me out the door, dares me to prove my excellence, tells me that it’s all about the ride, and most all, says to me every single day, “you can dance.”

May you be so lucky. But if you aren’t, tell someone. And if you’re afraid of looking like a fool, I’ll dance with you. We’ll dance together until there are so many of us that everyone wants to join. Shut your eyes if you need too. Take a deep breath and leap into the song. Dance.

Hate it Here

2011-02-10T13:51:00.000-08:00

I'm in a funk. I hate it here in Portland right now. I can write this because no one reads my blog anymore. I can vent here and no one will judge me. I'm alone with my thoughts.

Hot Toddy moved away. Do Rag Dan moved away. I'm not close with Pony any longer. He went through so many changes and transitioned into a different place. The Professor is back in San Frandisco. The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz - I guess once Toddy left it proved although we're all still friends, it was apparently mostly because of Toddy.

I feel alone. I have no friends. No one calls. I reach out to spend time and it never happens. Why do I live here? Why am I not down south near Pua or Cathy? At least it's warmer there. I work from home full-time so I am literally in the walls of my house 24/7. I work, I cook, I clean, I sleep. I start it all over the next day.

I was staying here because I wanted Auburn Aries to go through mid- and high school with the same groups of friends like I had. At what expense? We don't go to have dinner with friends. We don't go to barbeques. We don't socialize in any way. It's me and her all the time.

I don't mind that it's her and I. We laugh all the time, we communicate well, we enjoy each others company. But there's more to life and we're not living it. How can I teach her life lessons and how to deal with things unless we're living it once in a while.

I'm lonely. I'm unmotivated. I'm searching - but it's all in my head.

I spent the first half of my life in relationships. It was hard to be in relationships with people who didn't have kids. Now Auburn Aries is older and would understand me being in a relationship. She wouldn't feel so robbed like she did when she was younger.

I'm happy being single - if I had a life outside this house. My social life has died a quiet death. There's more out there. How long will I sit and think about it before I do something about it?

Only time will tell...ain't that the bitch of it!!

My Friend...GuruStu

2010-09-29T08:54:00.000-07:00

During my busiest times posting to this blog, I acquired several friends that I still hold dear. One in particular is GuruStu. We were introduced via our blogs and I immediately felt a spiritual connection with him. We've spoken on the phone several times and even had plans to meet up the last time I was in L.A. Things didn't work out that particular trip but I still keep up with him via cyberspace.

Over the years, his words have helped me stop and take stock of my life. He's given me insight into myself and he's helped me think about the person I am and the person I'd like to become. He's helped me sort out what's important and what's fodder.

GuruStu posts "daily thoughts" on his website. Everytime I receive an email with a new post I open it and take the time to read every word - no matter how "busy" I feel. I inevitably walk away feeling more in control; feeling more capable of enjoying my life instead of feeling like life is running me over.

Back on November 17th he wrote a post entitled "Don't just make better choices; become a person who makes better choices." You can find it on Daily Guru Thoughts. I have a folder for GuruStu's pearls of wisdom, it's for his posts that speak me; it's for posts that I know I'll come back to when I need them.

After reading his post about making better choices, I felt inspired. I read the post a second and third time. I couldn't believe how much clarity I suddenly had from the insightful thoughts of this one incredible man. That particular post reflected deeply with me because it was how I had always lived my life but somewhere along my journey I'd lost my way.

I clicked the print button and thought I'd hang onto a hard copy. If I could be that motivated by his words at that particular moment, I knew if read it every day it would help remind me how simple it really is to living your life and doing the right thing -- by making better choices.

When my print job completed, I pulled it off the printer and realized I had high quality photo paper in the tray. I'd been printing photos my friends Pua and Charlie earlier in day. I saw it as another sign that that particular post of GuruStu's was, in fact, meant for me that day.

It now hangs on the wall in my home office.

I realized at that moment that nearly every time I felt like I'd failed at something, it was because I didn't make the choice to succeed. I didn't make (or didn't want to make) the potentially tough decisions to get there.

It's now 10 months later and there are several other Seeds of Wisdom that hang on the wall in my home office. It's funny...you never know who you might meet or who may make an impact in your life. I met Hot Toddy who turned me onto blogging and subsequently pointed me to GuruStu. I can feel Stu's energy every single day and what comes from his heart lands directly on mine....and I'm thankful for it.

Behold My New Abode

2009-09-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

I found that living on a island outside Portland, although scenic and lovely, can cost a fortune. The 40 mile round trip to the grocery store or to the bar to meet my boys or to Auburn Aries's new middle school was not only expensive because of the gas for Stella but the time lost. Every trip off the island took an hour minimum. 30 minutes to town and 30 minutes back.

Forgot a key ingredient for dinner - an hour and half. Out of tampons - same. Not to mention the cost to run an in ground pool or the strain on my sense of humor.

I'll certainly miss those days by the pool but time had come for me to make a logical decision and move closer in. AA is playing volleyball this year and doing winter cheerleading and the location we moved to is less than a mile from her new school and within ten minutes of the grocery store. I actually had pizza delivered a couple of days ago. I haven't lived within pizza delivery range in years.

Keep in mind that in these pictures, this is not my furniture. I have no furniture. The stuff I had in my Powell Butte place was worn and was at the point it was going to need to be replaced soon. The island house was furnished so no worries there. Well, here I am in a new place without a stick of furniture.

It'll be a couple of months before I can probably afford to purchase new stuff so if any of you locals have furniture that you want to sell or get rid of, please let me know.

Boobs and Tubes

2009-08-20T07:12:00.001-07:00

I went in for a mammogram a couple of weeks ago; on the same day I had an MRI for my lower back. Turns out there is a spot in my right breast that needs follow-up. They compared it to my mamm from last April and the spot has become more pronounced.

My immediate response was it's out of my control so I'm not going to worry about it. As the day for the tests has approached, a small crack in that foundation has appeared. Turns out I feel a little scared. What if it is something? I know there's still nothing I can do about it, but it's the uncertainty that sucks.

I watched my sister-in-law die from breast cancer about a month ago. I was with her when her journey started three years ago, when she lost her breast. I watched her get healthy only to discover the doctors never did a follow-up MRI after the mastectomy to verify they got it all - the result of which was that it had spread everywhere. I was her support while she lived with me and I carted her around for three months during radiation, doctor appointments and hospital visits.

My family's health burdens are heart disease and diabetes. All of us girls have always more or less back-burnered the idea of breast cancer - right up to the point that they call and say to need to come back for more tests. Then it's a wake up call that breast cancer has non-discriminate taste.

I'll play with whatever card I'm dealt. I don't really have a choice. And although I've talked my whole adult life about buying a set of spectacular boobs, I like mine. They are spectacular just the way they are and I'd like to keep 'em.

As for the tube part of this story, I'd just like to thank my Dad for sharing his claustrophobia. 'Nuff said.

Alright, alright, I'll start posting again!

2009-08-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

For my sister friends who keep asking me to write again ~ I'll do it. Facebook isn't enough for me either. Besides, I miss this world.

I'll try to start later tonight or tomorrow. There's plenty to say!

Stella needs brakes, damn...

2009-02-11T09:14:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I was driving home from C.C.'s when all of a sudden this crazy squealing came from my car. I was on the Island on the long stretch home and it scared the shit out of me. I stopped the car in the middle of the road, got out and made sure I didn't have a flat. It occurred to me then that it must have been the built in squealer on my brakes.

It was, so here I sit at the dealer waiting for them to put some new shoes on Stella. We'll not talk about the oil change that she's due (and getting) or the fact that she's over on miles. My poor Dad is probably rolling in his grave because I'm over. I can hear him now, "You're gonna burn that damn motor up, Merle. Get that damn oil changed before you do anything else."

I'm sitting just off the showroom floor and to my right I can see the front end of an '09 Mustang. I'm avoiding strolling over there to look. I can't get sucked in. It sure looks hot though. All meaty and strong, winking at me trying to lure me in.

I forgot my security fob at home so I can't gain access into the office. I hate doing stupid shit like that. I could sit here at the dealer while my car is being serviced and be a good employee and get my work done. But no. I remembered the power cord and the broadband card but not the fob. In this economy copping to the fact that you screwed up and can't get your work done isn't a good thing. I'm so mad at myself all I can do is sit here and shake my head.

Rest assured knowing that my boss felt the need to further remind me that it was not a good thing... as if I'm not beating myself up enough.

Every year our little group has gone to the coast for my birthday. We didn't go last year. Pony had started a new job and was in Boston and Toddy forgot my birthday. I turned 45 last, wait, hot girl walking through the showroom. Holy moly. That'll just take your breath away. She had on heels. Not Payless heels, but nice Norstrom heels and great legs. Anyhoo, where was I? Oh the coast run this year.

Well as it turns out Pony has made other plans this year and Pua can't make it (I'll call you soon Pua) and though Hot and Golden Boy are in for the coast run, I don't know that it will be the same. My plans were to include The Math Whiz and The Handsome Prince this year but I"m thinking about pulling the plug on the whole thing. Money is so tight everywhere that maybe it'd just be best not to go.

These bastards want to turn the rotars on my brakes and I didn't think that was necessary when I looked at them. I better go stir the pot a little and see what the deal is. $360 for brake pads all around and turning the rotars. I have to make sure they're not soaking me because I'm a girl.

More "tomorrow."

Auburn Pisces Resurfaces

2009-01-18T17:04:00.000-08:00

I miss writing my blog. I know it's not the cool thing to do now with Facebook and Podcasts but I really enjoyed it and I'm hoping to get back to it.

How about some visual updates?

Last week I took Auburn Aries to a Trail Blazers basketball game. We grabbed some sushi and took the train to the Rose Garden and caught the game with some of her classmates and their parents. The seats were nose bleed but it didn't matter. The Blazers won and we had a ball. And look at my baby. She's so cute.

While on a field trip with AA's class, I took this shot of her downtown. Some field trips can be a drag but every once in a while there's one that's not so bad. We walked the waterfront and got a history lesson from some Portland guides.

I took this with my phone earlier this year. I no longer have dyke hair! It's about three inches longer now. Auburn Aries says that I look crossed-eyed. It's just the glare from the window. Growing it out sucked but it's been worth it. I love it being long again.

In October, Portland held their annual AIDS Walk. The Boys and I all participated. There are pictures of me but I look fat so you can't see them! I will, however, show you Auburn Aries..

In December I dropped Auburn Aries off at her Dad's for part of winter break and headed to Pony's house for an overnighter. I started working from home full-time so getting away and having cocktails with friends was first on the list. Little did I know the anticipated snow storm the news stations named Arctic Blast 2008 would be as serious as it was. I ended up snowed in four days with absolutely no ability to get Stella off Pony's street.

It did get worse as the days wore on. I think I took this picture on day two of the sleepover.

Things with us have been up and down. Sometimes I don't think I can take anymore onto an already full plate. Other times, I take a deep breath and am thankful that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. It could be worse.

Gotta close for now so I can cook dinner. More tomorrow.

Better Late Than Never

2008-10-30T16:39:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Oak Point Man!!!

I meant to get this post up a couple of days ago (actually on your birthday) but got busy...or distracted...or maybe I was dancing with myself ~ who knows.

My point is I still think about you, my friend, nearly every day. On the 27th as I toyed with ideas about what I wanted to say, I stopped and thought about all the time we spent together. Morning coffee everyday at Kobos, lunch at the Acrop (still wantin' me some "Sunday" brunch!) or at the bento place, laughing at so many stories about people and friends and kids, checking out women together - one in particular that was H.O.T. and smart (a combination that's hard to beat). The three of us were great friends.

I miss the kid stories a LOT. How is the Dinosaur Man? Still crazy smart?

I enjoyed our talks about relationships and sex (not always mutually exclusive). It was nice to have a friend with whom I can have those conversations without being judged. You were definitely that friend.

I regret not seeing you more when I worked in your neck of the woods. The miles between us are many but I still feel as close to you as ever .

I look back on the the last few years and miss what was. I miss the cameraderie we had and the way things were back then. I know that people and events come and go in our lives. It's like reading chapters in a good book. When you reflect on it, certain things stand out more than others. You are definitely one of those chapters. That last year we physically worked in the same location was, what I now know to be, a wonderfully, sweet time in my life.

I still love my life the way I always have, but I've been through more - some of it not so great - and I realize I will never be the same person I was back then. Wiser, yes. Unaffected by certain events, no. It's funny how it all works. When I think of that time I realize how blessed I was to have you and Hot Mama and Young Stud in my life. Time has changed the proximity but not the way my heart feels about you guys.

My friendship with you always made me feel special. You were truly my friend. I know we each had other friends but I knew that you were there for me and that it didn't matter what happened, you cared about me.

As I conclude my walk down memory lane, I want you to know the friendship you shared with me has touched my heart. I have memories (and giggles) that only you and I share and that's pretty cool.

I'll try to make an effort to connect with you soon. Maybe it's time for another conference call with Hot Mama?!

Happy birthday, Oak Point Man.

I love you.

The World is a Measuring Cup

2008-08-29T08:47:00.000-07:00

While driving home with Auburn Aries a few weeks ago, she made an observation.

AA: Mom, the world is just one big measuring cup, isn't it?
AP: How do you mean?
AA: Everything is measured; quarter-mile to Sauvie Island, 10 miles to Portland, you sit at a red light for a measured amount of time, TV is in 30 or 60 minute blocks...everything is measured.

Sometimes her insight astounds me. I've been on this planet a lot longer than she and I had never viewed it in those terms.

As for the amount of time I've been away from my blog, we won't measure that today. It's been far too long and even though it seems lots of people have fallen away from blogging, I have every intention of picking it back up. I love writing and sharing my stories and thoughts.

I was looking through some notes I've been carrying in my purse for that indeterminate amount of time I've been away and I have some fun C.C. Slaughter's stories with the boys I want to share.

There was the time Golden Boy was tending bar and while watching him mix a cocktail, I expressed a need:

AP: Can I have one of those pourers?
GB: A what?!
AP: A pourer. One of those things where the mix comes out.

Then Pony spoke up:

P: Golden Boy is the pourer. That's the spout!

Then there was the time we were all having cocktails talking about Pony's hugantic truck he drives and another male friend of ours overheard the conversation and interjected:

EA: You know, every time you come over in that big ass truck my Cher dolls fall over!!

I cracked up laughing. Anywhere else that would be the strangest sentence coming from a man, but not in C.C.'s.

And I can't forget the time the topic of conversation was how cool it would be if lube dispensed out of a hose from our bedroom ceilings like it does at Jiffy Lube on the retractable hose.

You see, not much has changed and with regard to me and My Boys, that's a good thing. We're all a little older and for some of us we live and work in different places but we're still the same and I wouldn't change that for the world.

On the flip side of my world, Auburn Aries is doing great. She's 5' 7-1/2" now and in the sixth grade. She's still beautiful and funny and smart except now I can add in occasionally sharp tongued and sometimes acts like her Mom's an idiot. From where does that attitude creep in? It baffles the mind. I ask a simple question and her response is in this tone that would imply that I had just yelled at her and she needed to defend herself.

She's still carrying around baby fat that she hates. She asked me a few days ago how can she find a person that will be her best friend and keep them being her best friend and not wishy-washy. My first thought was 'wait until you're grown up, you'll find them' but that wasn't what she needed to hear. She asked me about why people are put off by her and, yes, in those words.

I tried to explain to her that most people judge a person by the way they look and with her they see tall and overweight and people won't always give themselves a chance to get to know someone who looks different. I suggested to her that she continue to see people for what's on the inside, like she always has, and that when she feels a connection with a new friend that she needs to nurture and care for the friendship.

I pointed out that my friendships with Hot Toddy, Pony and Golden Boy are friendships that I put time into just the same way they do and the result is we've all become a family. I assured her her best friend was out there somewhere and in no time at all she'll be snubbing Mom for a movie with her girlfriends.

I've said it before - I won't know if I've done a good job raising her until she's 30 and has kids of her own. Hopefully the impact I make on her world is a good one.

The craziness inside

2007-12-19T13:57:00.000-08:00

Why do the holidays have to be so difficult?

Is it the fact that I've lost my Mom and my brother inside three years? Is is that money seems so fucking tight right now and has for the past year and a half? Is it that Auburn Aries still believes in Santa and I have to live up to her expectations? Is it the new relationship I am smack in the middle of that I'm still trying to figure out?

It's interesting dating someone that is completely out of the ordinary. He's someone so tenderhearted that I worry about hurting him. I know he would never hurt me or Aries. Dating another Pisces is very interesting. I'm enjoying it but there is a certain clinginess due to circumstances beyond his control and I have to ask myself if I'm ready for this.

I worry that he's more in love with me than I am him.

I'm in Seattle in class and it's just started back up. More later.

Open wide and say Ahhhhh

2007-12-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I had to take Auburn Aries to the doctor for what I suspected what Strep throat. I thought it would be best to get a culture done just to make sure it was treated if that was the case.

While sitting the little room waiting, Aries looks over at me and says:

AA: I know how to spell Chlamydia.

AP: [flashes to a certain scene in Mean Girls and subsequently wonders why a 10 year old knows this not-so-fun fact] You do?

AA: Yes. It's c.h.l.a.m.y.d.i.a.

AP: Well, that's good, Honey. Just don't get Chlamydia, okay?

AA: Okay Mommie.

After seeing the doctor and deciding to go ahead and take the throat culture even though she doesn't suspect it was Strep, the nurse returns to take the culture. It took a little bit of convincing Auburn Aries that the throat culture was necessary.

AA: YOU'RE NOT STICKING THAT LONG Q-TIP IN MY THROAT.

AP: Yes, Baby, she is. She's just gonna touch it to your tonsils and make sure everything is okay.

AA: I've seen CSI, Mom. They don't just touch that thing to your throat. They drag it around and dig a little!!!

AP: Well that's true but this isn't CSI and you aren't dead. So open your mouth.

Aries finally did open her mouth and the nurse did drag it around a little. I about died laughing at the look on Aries face as though had she just drank sour milk.

AA: It's not funny Mom... [gags a little then coughs] It feels like I just swallowed metal.

AP: Like a glass of metal shards?

AA: Yep, just like that.

Who says having kid isn't fun??

Math homework is hard

2007-11-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

Auburn Aries is at her Dad's this weekend. I have very much been looking forward to the break. With Samhain upon us and the purchasing of a costume and the trip to the corn maze traipsing around in the mud and the subsequent trick or treating, I've been exhausted.

I was awakened this morning by a call from someone special (more on him another time) but found I couldn't fall back asleep. I curled up on the couch under a blanket and was enjoying the peace and quiet and reflecting on the week when I noticed on the coffee table a math worksheet Aries had completed.

It was chock full math riddles:

If you count by this number, you will say 100, but you will not say 10.
If you count by this number, you will say 200, but you will not say 40.
If you count by this number, you will say 300, but you will not say 75.
Find several factor pairs for the multiple of 100 you chose and list them below.

I read through her paper and was able to see the areas where she had penciled her thoughts. It was cool to see her work. I review her work but it's usually in the context of making sure it's completed and not necessarily to see that which I saw today. It literally made me laugh out loud.

The final task on the worksheet read:

Write about the strategies you used to find the factor pairs.

Aries' response:

I counted in my head, re-read what I wrote and counted on my fingers and toes. And checked with my Mom.

I was reminded that she's ten and half years old. She's growing up so fast and is extremely tall and very mature for her age ~ sometimes I forget that her mind is still young. It took about 2.5 seconds for me to miss her.

100 Things About Me

2007-10-28T21:53:00.000-07:00

1. I was born the 13th of 14 children. I have 10 brothers and three sisters.

2. My parents named me after the lady who owned the liquor store. She was apparently a best friend.

3. I've had red hair until the last few years and it's gotten progressively darker.

4. I now color my hair back to red because I detest people referring to me as a brunette (not that there's anything wrong with it).

5. My Dad got me my first bike at the dump. It had a banana seat and tall handle bars - though one of the handlebars was broken off . There was only a 4 or 5" stump sticking out. I loved that bike.

6. My Dad beat my ass once when my sister's rocking chair arm touched my rocking chair and I called her a booger and he thought I said fucker. I was only five years old. I did not know what the word fucker meant.

7. My family has always said I march to the beat of a different drummer. They're right. My older sister doesn't like me because of it. My younger sister adores me because of it.

8. My Mom made the best homemade biscuits in the world.

9. I knew I liked women when I was on a flight to Texas to see my Grandma and Grandpa. I sat next to a woman who I couldn't take my eyes off of. I was 12.

10. I once saw a picture of a woman in Playboy who looked exactly like her.

11. At 15 I experienced intimacy with a woman for the first time. Actually it was with two different women in the same week. I lied to each and told them they were the first because I didn't want to hurt anyone.

12. My Mom found out about one of the girls and told me if I didn't "fix it" my Dad would find out and make my life miserable so I started being interested in guys to cover my attraction for women.

13. To this day I wonder what my life would be like if I had really been supported when I discovered my sexual orientation.

14. Life sucked when I had to hide so much of myself and grow up believing no one understood me. I never understood why love was conditional.

15. My Dad had a small 20-acre ranch we called the Ponderosa when I grew up. He had 75 head of cattle - each one had a name.

16. My younger sister is who I am the closest too in my whole family.

17. My parents never discussed sex with me growing up.

18. I didn't know anything about masturbation nor did I know that was what I was doing when I was doing it.

19. In 1980, my Dad sold a bull named Wobbles at the livestock auction for the down payment on my first car.

20. I once threw a half-eaten burrito from Taco Bell at my younger sister.

21. I once tried to throw a pass with a bag of Cheetos in a grocery store to my Mom who was in line about to pay for the groceries. It landed on the store manager's bald head!

22. I was beaten as a child and called horrible names by my father who was an alcoholic. It didn't stop until I moved out when I was 17.

23. I was never able to figure out how to forgive him for hurting me nor did I understand why he did it until one day I realized he did the best he could ~ unfortunately his best wasn't good enough. It was at that point I decided to let it go.

24. Those beatings are why I'm so lenient with Auburn Aries.

25. I now know I let the pendulum swing too far the other way with her and I'm trying to create good boundaries. It's never too late.

26. I had a mullet in high school that resembled David Bowie's.

27. I studied dance (modern, ballet, jazz, pointe) for many years.

28. I was supposed to go to Japan and dance professionally but the tour was cancelled on Valentine's day in 1982.

29. I had a gig lined up to be a showgirl at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas but the moron the director of entertainment sent out to see me dance waited until the last possible day to come to the dance studio and I lost the job because I wouldn't have had time to learn the routines by that coming Monday.

30. I had no support from my family in my dancing career either. I was a great dancer.

31. My first concert was The Babies and Alice Cooper. A girl from my dance company made brownies with weed in them for the concert.

32. I hated brownies but ate one to be polite.

33. At the concert I thought I was getting a contact high inside the concert when all of a sudden everyone in our group started laughing at me.

34. I've sailed on a Hobey Cat a loved it.

35. I lived in between the beach and the bay (a minute walk to each) when I lived on my own in San Diego.

36. There really is a flash of green that occurs as the Sun drops behind the horizon.

37. I watched I Love Lucy five times a day growing up.

38. My Dad taught me to shoot when I was 11.

39. I also learned to drive his Massey Ferguson tractor as well as his pickup truck that same year.

40. I never felt like I fit in when I grew up. I had long legs, redhair and a fiery attitude.

41. I didn't start feeling like I fit in until after I left home.

42. Living at the beach gives you a completely different outlook on life.

43. I love being in my forties.

44. I have better friends now than I ever had in my lifetime.

45. I would not turn back the hands of time even if I could.

46. I love that I'm a native San Diegan.

47. I love Mexican food and Patron Margaritas.

48. Some of the best margaritas I've ever had were at Casa de Bandini in Old Town in San Diego.

49. I don't like sweets for breakfast. I prefer breakfast burritos with hot salsa.

50. I don't drink coffee.

51. I prefer Chai or Earl Grey.

52. I love organic, non-fat milk.

53. I am a Pagan. It's the only belief system that's ever fit.

54. I can't put paper in my mouth nor can I see anyone else putting paper in theirs.

55. Wooden toothpicks are out also.

56. We had horses growing up and I fell in love with riding. I never seem to do it anymore.

57. My Mom pushed me toward office skills classes in high school as a backup plan in case dancing didn't pan out. I could take shorthand at 100 wpm.

58. I now work in IT and though I enjoy it, it's not what I meant to do.

59. I have OCD in peculiar ways. For instance, I can't go up the stairs leading the left foot or I have to go back down and start over.

60. My sister, Skinny Girl, has full on OCD with just about everything in her life ~ but in ways that greatly benefit her.

61. I've only traveled internationally to various placed in Mexico.

62. I had a male lover who was an artist who told me I would fit in well in Europe.

63. I say exactly what I think and don't consider that it might freak people out. I doubt I will every change this personality trait.

64. I love Harley Davidson's and if I didn't have a child, would own one of my own. I have to be around for her and don't want to increase the odds of dying because someone didn't see me on a Hog.

65. I never changed schools growing up except for the transition from elementary to middle to high school.

66. Laughter goes a long way with me. Lying to me terminates friendships and relationships.

67. I've been in polyamorous relationships.

68. I paint my toenails even in the winter.

69. An ex-girlfriend had a star named after my Mom after she died. It sounds like a corny thing to do but the framed artwork of the Pisces Constellation hangs in my home office and it makes me feel close to my Mom.

70. An even closer friend made a donation to the Alzheimer's Foundation in my Mom's name. When she gave me the gift I thought it was a joke until I read the entire card. I went from laughter to tears in just seconds.

71. Every year I go to the Oregon coast with my chosen family and I love that we have this tradition.

72. I love watching really great comedians.

73. I always figured if being a professional dancer didn't work out, I'd be a lawyer or a cop. Looking back on those choices I realize those wouldn't have been my life's calling either.

74. I love sex and have never withheld it as punishment for someone else. I would in turn only be punishing myself by not getting it.

75. Everyone in my family has the same high sex drive.

76. Sex truly does get better with age.

77. I have a lot of books I haven't read but will get to them someday. Being a single parent limits the luxury of reading a good book uninterrupted.

78. I never slept well until I bought my Carrington Chase latex bed four years ago. Now I adore sleeping in on the weekends.

79. I spent the first half of my life in relationships. I've spent the last three years single and appreciate more than ever sleeping alone in the middle of the bed.

80. Men from the south with that built in politeness of calling me ma'am, turn me on.

81. Even though I've never been to Montana, it's someplace I think I'd like to retire. Though I don't know if I could be away from the ocean since I've lived near it my entire life.

82. I miss the strength that men bring to my life. I miss feeling safe in a man's arms.

83. I think arrogance is ugly.

84. I hate that I don't have a good set of pliers.

85. I suck at taking care of myself first and it's the first rule you should follow.

86. Sometimes I forget to take my cell phone with me when I leave the house and even though I initially freak out because I left it, I'm always pleased to not hear it ring.

87. I love philosophical conversations but never seem to have enough of them.

88. I fear what it will do to my daughter if I'm taken from this earth too soon.

89. I got married at 19 to a great man but didn't know who I was at that age. I treated him poorly and wish now I had done right by him.

90. We have been dear friends for the last 25 years and I'm grateful we've both grown enough to appreciate each other.

91. I love watching college football and major league baseball. I enjoy watching other sports too, but sometimes not as much.

92. I love the person I've become. What I once perceived as weakness I have come to realize were, in fact, the differences that set me apart from others.

93. I love going to the coast alone and usually go once a quarter but haven't done it much in the last year.

94. I miss it.

95. I love the times I've taken Auburn Aries to the coast with me and we've just chilled out.

96. I snore.

97. I love it when it's windy.

98. I never carry an umbrella and I've never minded getting caught in the rain. It's just hair and I'll eventually dry off.

99. I miss waking up to sunny mornings like when I lived in San Diego. It just starts your day off better when the sun is shining.

100. I think everyone should believe in magic(k).

An Update (thanks to MzOuiser)

2007-09-03T08:25:00.000-07:00

I received an email from MzOuiser a couple of days ago. I was reminded that I have blog friends out there who enjoyed reading my posts each day and who miss me. I've been so wrapped up in my own world that often times it's felt like there was too much going on to take the time to sit down and write. In one simple email she touched upon several things that hit home.

So here's a brief update which I hope will get me somewhat caught up so that I will begin to write again.

Auburn Aries:
My little girl is doing GREAT. She's so beautiful that there are times I look at her and I can't believe she's mine. She's ten and a half years old now and 5'5" tall. Most days she's still too smart for MY own good but that's better than the opposite I guess. It just means that when she hits her teen years, I'd better just keep my seatbelt on. In fact, I should upgrade to one of those eight point harnesses like they use in Nascar.

Work:
I am working downtown again and do not miss the 90 minute commute I had to Company South. Though I have to tell you it takes me half that time to get the 11 miles to the office! I work with fantastic people at Company International. I started out doing project architecture for a while and that was really cool. Now I'm getting back into systems engineering on Solaris which is a skillset I have to blow the dust off of. I missed doing Unix stuff but I've never missed doing Solaris work. Blech. AIX is my poison. (And Toddy, I know you don't know what I'm talking about - just ignore that last part.)

Hot Toddy:
Hot Toddy and I are still close friends though we don't see each other quite as much as we used to. As you know from his blog, he's been busy with weddings and trips and softball and The Toddtender and, and, and... He and Pony and I are still tight as ever. Toddy still never misses a beat and can have me on the floor about to pee my pants in two seconds.

Pony:
Pony has, over the past couple of years, proven to be my safe port during some intense personal storms. I've struggled and he's been there to pick me up. Next to my sister, Skinny Girl, he probably knows more about me than anyone. The best thing is neither he nor Toddy have judged me through my difficult times. The sign of true friends.

Mustang:
Still have it, still LOVE it.

Sugar Bear:
The dog I thought I'd hate. Aries' little Chihuahua is now a whopping four and a half pounds. I didn't think I was going to like having a little dog in the house, but it's pretty awesome. I've only ever had large dogs and didn't realize how loving a small dog could be. I was prepared to hurt Golden Boy for giving us that puppy but as it turns out I owe him a debt of gratitude.

Personal:
I've struggled. I've deal twith my depression and recently have been diagnosed with associated OCD and ADHD. Though I'm on the upswing, my depression got so bad after several big events last year that I lost my motivation. I've had trouble getting it back. I finally feel like the clouds are lifting.

I didn't get the house listed by July like I had hoped. I couldn't seem to get it in pristine enough condition to show it. And it's hard to ask for help with stuff like that. A person is supposed to be able to care for things like that on their own.

What I've come to realize is that depression is very real. And losing motivation like I did is not uncommon. Whereas I was very concerned about taking antidepressants and now Strattera - just the thought of having to take meds made me feel weak like I should be able to deal with it on my own.

The reality of that is this: if I had diabetes I wouldn't think I could fix that on my own. I would need the insulin to get better. My brain for whatever reason misfires and I need a little help staying on track. I feel more like the old me every day which is great. Saturday was the first time in the last two years I've felt really fucking good. So I'll keep doing what I'm doing and work on my shit. It's all I can do.

So I'm still plugging away on getting the house packed. The more I pack the more there is but I'll deal with it.

I'm still single - have been for a long time now. Oh, I still have my friends with benefits when I need them, but for now, I just need to take care of me. Me and my baby girl.

Ponder this...

2007-08-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

Where the hell does the bread tie go when you take it off a brand new loaf of bread?

I actually took off the plastic closure and made mental note not to lose it and by the time I removed two slices of bread for a sandwich, it had disappeared. Gone.

Not only that, but the same EXACT thing happened to the English muffin package earlier that morning when I made Auburn Aries breakfast!

Dago Girl Missing

2007-07-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

It's official... I think I now consider Oregon home. Temperatures reached 102 degrees yesterday. I know that's not a lot compared to Vegas and Death Valley but for Portland, that's pretty effing hot.

I realized yesterday that even though it takes me months to get used to winter and only a day or two to get used to summer heat, I no longer particularly care for it as hot as it was yesterday and today. It was extremely muggy today - the day I decided to wear my Eddie Bauer jeans...of course.

Is it possible I've turned into a big wienie when it comes to 100 degree heat?

I started seeing a therapist again today. I haven't seen one in a couple of years - since Thor lived here. I've been dreaming about him a lot lately. When I told Auburn Aries that I had been dreaming about him, she said I should call and make sure everything was alright. I let her do the honors of leaving the message. I mean, who could seriously ignore a voice that sweet on the phone?

Apparently he could because we never got a call back.

I've decided to sell my house and move into something smaller and I find myself struggling to actually get things packed up even though there is a POD in my driveway. It's not just that either. I seem to be lacking motivation in several areas of my life and need to get to the bottom of it.

Living with depression adds another layer of things to contemplate and deal with and unless I continue to add the tools in my mental and emotional toolbox to deal with it, it takes over my life.

I started seeing a new therapist and really like her. In just a couple hours time, she helped me see more clearly why I've tried to hold onto the house the last couple of years. This big house represents a relationship that I was head over heels for; a relationship that I thought was for the long haul and a future that I thought would take place here.

I ended up buying a house that was more than I could deal with because, well, I didn't think I was going to be keeping it up on my own yet here I am. It's left me questioning true love and relationships and commitment. In as much as those reasons alone should logically be enough to sell this house, I am reminded that once again I do not make logical decisions. I am the Piscean who makes emotional decisions and this is a big one.

At this point, I've made the decision - I just need to act on it, pack this place up and start showing it. Why then do I drag my feet?

My new therapist and I had a long discussion about depression and how it is a very real biological and physiological sickness. She likened it to having pneumonia. If I were sick with pneumonia I wouldn't be able to get up and pack up the house and if I tried, it would lengthen the duration of the illness.

She said that until I get to a place where I start feeling better, wishing it were so and wishing these things around the house would get done aren't going to make it so.

So hopefully I'll be able to whittle on what's going on for me emotionally and I'll begin digging myself out of the mud in which I have become mired. It's a long hard road and if anyone had told me five years ago I'd be one of the lucky ones with depression, I'd have accused them of lying. It's just too bad there's such negative connotations associated with it because it would certainly be nice to know I'm not alone.

Big change...and a Young Stud

2007-05-31T19:41:00.000-07:00

Things they are a changin'.

I don't know what seems to be going on in my world. It's a mix I have yet to decipher. On the one hand, my new job is going great. I'm a Sr. Systems Engineer with an emphasis on project architecture and management. I'm being introduced to some things I've not done before which is fantastic.

On the other hand, things in my personal life feel split apart.

The Professor is moving out of Portland. The college where he teaches can't seem to pull their head of out their collective asses enough to offer him tenure. This is a man who is bright, articulate, well-read, street-wise, interested in life, open-minded...the list goes on and on. Yet the powers that be can't see the importance of keeping him and their apparent lack of intelligence is going to send him back home.

I am so devastated by the fact that he's leaving that I tear up at the thought of him leaving. I'm always alone and reflecting on the family when it hits me that he'll no longer be close by. He's become such an important part of us that I cannot imagine him not just being down just down the road.

It's indicative of change that I'm not sure I'm prepared for yet.

I've decided to sell my house. I've teetered with this decision for the last couple of years and have finally realized it's time to move on. The funny thing is as unhappy as I've been with this house (bought it because Daddy D loved it), I found myself standing on the front porch, margarita in hand and feeling sad about the memories that me and Aries have created here that we'll be saying good-bye to. Well, not good-bye but you know what I mean.

I remember the first year I hung lights and Fairy Godmother came over to help me. It was cold and seemed like it took forever and I'm such a damn girl about doing shit like that that I was wholly dependant on FG to guide me through it. It was that same night that my front door decided to stick and we couldn't get back into the house. FG and I ended up busting the door down trying to get in.

We made it back in, but she had to grab finishing nails (yes, I had some) and a hammer to nail the door trim back up. We really busted the door in. I'll never forget the look on Auburn Aries sweet little face when we stood at the sidewalk and looked at the house all lit up. Now I bust out the lights in about an hour by myself and I do it before the neighbors and make them look bad!

I thought about decorating for Christmas with Auburn Aries; I thought about Thor living here and when Toddy fell in love with him and how many laughs (and cocktails) we all shared. I don't know when I've seen more kisses shared. I thought about Young Stud and the time he spent here and me always making sure he had his favorite Whiskey. I thought Toddy living here shouting up the stairs "It's 5 o'clock somewhere, it's cocktail hour." "Okay, Hot, I'll get the shaker." I thought of the comedy we'd watch and tears we shared and support we gave one another.

I thought about the time I spent here with Lorin, that heartbreakingly beautiful creature who I thought was going to be my lifetime commitment only to find out she had a problem with my daughter. She was the one, at least I thought so anyway. It's heartbreaking to find out you're not going to be able to work it out because you have a child. It's not like I could put her back!

I reflected on the dinner parties with The Boys and Pony flicking his olives out of his enchiladas; and Super Bowl parties and when Pua came to visit and stayed for almost a week...it all just came flooding back.

I was talking to my friend Hippy about how even though I knew selling the house was the right thing to do that I felt melancholy about moving again. Then he gave it to me but good:

"What emotion?!!! This isn't an emotional decision. It's a financial and economic decision. You can keep your memories but snap out of it. Get this shit done and move on."

He's a wise man. As a Pisces I often let emotion get the better of me in my decision-making.

On a different note, Auburn Aries came to me two nights ago:

AA: Can we go shopping tomorrow?

AP: Sure, Babe, what do you need?

AA: I need "cup" bras.

AP: "Cup bras?"

AA: Yeah, cause my boobs need cups now not sports bras.

AP: [falls to the floor clutching her chest and kicking her feet screaming "no, no, no, you were just in diapers!!!!"] Sure, Baby, we can do that.

We ended up going to Target to buy cup bras and she found the little A cup bras she liked. The little snot actually turned to me and said, "I'll go in the dressing room by myself and you can wait out here."

Ah huh...as IF. I responded, "NO, this is a right of passage for a Mom and I'm going in with you."

We bought three colors and she's dancing around the house feeling more comfortable and confident than ever. I, on the other hand, had my hair colored again and am looking for a good anti-aging cream for my laugh lines.

On a lighter note, I have a man in my life who I don't see nearly enough anymore. We have over the last few years remained close though life pulls us in different directions. Young Stud has a birthday coming next month. And if I'm not mistaken it's on 07-07-07. This is the last time we'll see 07-07-07 in our lifetime and I hope sincerely, with all my heart, that he makes this birthday the most special ever.

I know that if I have anything to say about it, it'll be memorable. Though it may not be in the multitude of ways I'd like to make it special, I will make sure to remind him that he is, indeed, in my heart and will be forever. I love you, Young Stud.

Auburn Aries and Sugar Bear

2007-05-04T19:09:00.000-07:00

This is my baby whooping it up on her 10th birthday. We were in Chili's having dinner - and yes I had to endure the "baby back ribs" song as sung by Fat Bastard over and over again - she decided to drink every cocktail in the drink menu!

For my birthday, Golden Boy gave me one of his Chihuahua pups (the female). It was a generous gift and one that I thought long and hard about before accepting.

Auburn Aries has always wanted a puppy but I was hesitant to give her one considering she can't keep her room clean. I suck at tough love so she gets away with it.

When Golden Boy's dog became preggers, I had the duration of her pregnancy to decide whether AA was up for it. Who am I kidding, to decide whether or not I was up for it. As you will see from the adorable picture below, I graciously accepted Golden Boy's gift and Auburn Aries became the happiest little girl ever.

The picture is a little blurry, but you get the general idea. Her name is Sugar Bear and she weighed 13 ounces when we brought her home. She fit in the palm of Auburn Aries' hand.

When Golden Boy put Sugar Bear in Aries' hands, she cradled her up against her neck and through tears kept saying, "my very own puppy. i can't believe i got my very own dog."

All I could do was look at Golden Boy and know I did the right thing.

His was a most generous gift.

In as much as I wasn't all for a puppy in the house, let alone a tiny one like her, I have come to realize that it brings a certain life and energy into a home that's not like anything else.

Yes, there's the occassional tootsie roll found off in a corner on the floor. And yes, her baby teeth cut like an Exacto blade. Overall though, it's been one of the best things I could have given to Auburn Aries.

Thank you, Golden Boy, for reminding me that I needn't live my life in a vacuum. You could have let me know, however, that I was going to be using mine a lot more. Who knew a Kleenex could be shredded that small?

Tell it like it is, baby.

2007-05-04T18:47:00.000-07:00

Auburn Aries and I were watching television a few days ago when an promo came on for Tori Spelling's reality bullshit tv show, Tori and Dean, Inn Love (BLECH, insert vomit noises here).

AA watches the promo and right before it's over says, "My gawd, that woman has a long head. She looks like a drag queen."

I couldn't stop laughing.

While in a meeting at my new job with my manager and several other IT professionals, the topic of a specific project came up to which my new boss replied, "The people that wrote those scripts are mildly retarded."

And I couldn't stop laughing then either. I'm sitting in my first meeting on my second day and I had the giggles so hard my shoulders were shaking.

Some things will never change. I find the simplest form of unexpected humor the funniest of all.

Hugs

2007-04-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

A hug makes an ideal gift. One size fits all and exchanges are encouraged.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday. This person is a relatively new friend. He's someone I worked with at Company South. He and I were discussing friendships. I was explaining to him that the people with whom I choose to surround myself are very dear to me. I told him that I don't really have people around who I don't particularly care for. Of course there are acquaintances - people you meet in passing or that you see every now and again but they don't have a place in my life like my true friends do.

I explained to him that they are all friends that I would do anything to help. They are the kind of friends that I would get up in the middle of the night and help in a moment's notice. They are the people that I hug and kiss hello when I see them and I tell them I love them when I say good-bye.

I told him about how I've lost three brothers and both parents and that I know how quickly things can change. I want every one of the people I care about to know that they are important to me.

I was moved yesterday when I received a call from Young Stud. He was calling to check on me to see if I was okay knowing my job at Company South had ended. When I looked down at my cell and saw it was him calling, a huge smile found its way across my face. When I heard the sound of his voice, everything else just melted away and the only two people who were important at that juncture were he and I.

Young Stud is special to me in a way that some of my other Boys aren't. Those reasons are strictly for Young Stud and I to share. As I was saying good-bye to him on the phone, it hit me how much I want him to know that he is very, very special to me. I realized the power of telling someone you love them and how when you speak those words, no other words are necessary.

So when you are with a good friend today, give them a kiss and a hug when you say hello. Let them know they are important to you. Who knows, it may come at a time when they're feeling all is lost and your hug may see them through another day.

Funny things I've heard

2007-04-03T18:30:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago I was in CC's (big surprise, right) and heard a couple of things that still make me laugh.

The first one:

Pony: ..Yeah, I can come by your house and pick you up.

Friend of Choppers: Every time you come by my house in that big fucking truck, the vibration of your diesel motor knocks all my Cher dolls down.

(see what I mean.)

The second one:

Vidal: Hmmm, should I gamble before I go home or just go home?

Daddy H: Yeah, um, I'm gonna go play some video crack before I go home. It's for my kids college education. Then I'll go home and have a turkey pot pie.

('nuff said)

The third one:

Hippy: My wife tried to cook a prime rib once. She fucking killed that thing. She over cooked it until it was about this big. It was something only the damn dog could eat. She tried to tell me that you're supposed to cook it that long. I told her she shouldn't use the smoke alarm as a timer.

AP: [laughing really hard] Was it that fucked up?

Hippy: Oh yeah, it was THAT fucked up. We were sitting in the livingroom later that night with the dog in the room. She looked over and asked why the hell the dog kept licking his ass. I said, "Oh, I don't know, to get rid of the taste?"

(this one killed me.)

And the best one for last:

Pony, Hot Toddy and I were all having cocktails a couple of nights ago. We were watching the boy porn when the camera went wide for a shot of the bottom gettin' drilled. We were all watching intently when all of a sudden there on the screen was a guy with horseshoe hair.

Now don't get us wrong, nothing wrong with men who are losing their hair. In the porn world, however, most men are chiseled with six pack abs and either a full head of golden locks or a shaved head.

Pony: They shouldn't let men with male pattern baldness do porn. It's not hot. Only if it's shaved is it hot.

HT: Yeah, Hair Club for Men porn.

AP: [Laughs hysterically and runs for a trick sheet on which to make notes].

Good-bye Company South

2007-03-31T12:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my last day at Company South. It was a year ago that I accepted a position as an SSL VPN administrator.

I accepted the position after being laid off from Company X for three and a half months. It was farther than I wanted to commute (60 miles each way); was a Windows environment (I do Unix and IT Security); and was for a State Agency (the occassional bureaucratic bullshit).

I did, however, realize almost immediately that working with this particular group of people was refreshing. They were all grown-ups. They were all parents or grandparents and understood the importance of work/life balance. They all came in to do their jobs. They weren't surfing the web all day. They would take their few minutes of participating in the commeraderie and then go back to work. It was unlike any place I had ever worked before.

I made friends with my coworkers. They had more than earned my respect. Whereas as at former companies there was always someone who was an asshole who no one particularly cared for, at Company South, that was pretty non-existant.

My contract was supposed to last until July with an additional two year extension, but budget-time rolled around and they ended up pulling my contract.

I hated my commute. I didn't mind driving back and forth in my Mustang, I just didn't like the three hours a day I lost. I didn't like that Auburn Aries missed school events because there was no one else to take her when I couldn't be there. It's hard to get your kidless friends to help you out in those situations - regardless of how important it was to Auburn Aries. That kind of stuff is just too inconvenient. That's reality.

I ended up not going to the gym nearly as much because at the end of the my 12 hours away from home, three hours of which was spent in traffic, I was too gawd damn tired to drag my ass over there. We ate out more, ate later and gained weight. I spent more time with the people I worked with than I did my kid.

Every day posed some new traffic twist that drove me crazy...a stall here, an accident there, new freeway construction, useless traffic reports. There is a long list of why commuting sucks and I won't miss it.

There were seven very good reasons why working at Company South made it all worth while. Those reasons were Steve, Judy, Terry, Bruce, Karina, Kenny and Tim. This small group of people embraced me and my idiosyncracies. They laughed at my stories about Auburn Aries. They listened to my stories of Gayland and didn't bat an eye. Steve, the straightest man alive, could have passed for a Bear and I teased him about it. I even gave him Mardi Gras beads with Bears all over it. He took it in stride.

I learned a lot from them. They are genuinely good, grounded people and I'm proud to call them friends.

It was hard to walk out the door yesterday. Every time someone said anything remotely kind to me, I teared up. Everyone there seemed to really like me and was sad I was leaving as well.

As I drove out of town, I thought about how I wouldn't have to fill-up three times a week anymore but somehow that thought didn't help the images of all of us laughing and cutting up together. It didn't squelch the tightening in my stomach when I thought about not being able to take anymore smoke breaks with Steve, Tim and Kenny - my bruthahs from anothah muthah.

It's another chapter in my life that I've experienced that has enhanced who I am as a person. The closing of one and the beginning of another. The next group of people I work with may be amazing people, but my friends at Company South raised the bar on both personal and professional expectation and they'll be a hard act to follow.

"It beats catchin' herpes from a drag queen..."

2007-03-13T18:57:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time a High Priestess came to visit a family of Auburn-haired girls who lived in the Northwest. The elder Auburn was turning 44 and had planned on spending a weekend at the Coast with her family, so the High Priestess brought her ~~guava jelly and coconut syrup~~ Warm Cookies with a Whiskey Chaser mental notebook and joined in on the fun.

The smaller Auburn was so excited to see her "Aunt" that she could hardly contain herself. The days and nights were filled with laughter and love and talks and great dinners. The High Priestess hadn't had a cocktail in many weeks so when Auburn Pisces twisted 'em up, the High Priestess grew increasingly happy as the evenings wore on.

At a Mexican restaurant the Auburn's refer to as "The Uzsh" (short for Usual), the High Priestess became quick friends with the server who decided to name a dish after her. He said he would call it "The Pula." Apparently there was something lost in the Hawaiian to Mexican translation.

The next day Auburn's and the Priestess decided they were all going to get pierced together, sisters in pain and extra holes. First there was the time spent in Claire's for Auburn Aries' double earlobe piercings. This portion of the adventure took a long, long time. Auburn Aries was very brave and Auburn Pisces was very proud of her.

Next the three friends were off to a piercer so Auburn Pisces could get her ear cartilage pierced and the High Priestess could get fourth (and fifth) holes since three on one side and four on the other were not nearly enough! All went well though the piercer was very chatty.

It was after the two elder's piercings that little Auburn Aries realized she still had not spent her gift card at Claire's so we went back there again. It was at this juncture Auburn Pisces decided she could not frequent another Claire's for a long, long time.

The grown up weekend at the coast proved to be a fantastic weekend. Auburn Pisces got there first and was able to wash away the stresses of life in total solitude just her and the ocean. Sometimes there's nothing better.

The High Priestess went from being surrounded by the beauty of the Butte a stone's throw from Auburn Pisces' deck (only if you have a really strong arm and are a good thrower), to the uncrowded, peaceful Oregon Coast. Auburn Pisces watched the High Priestess face the Powers of the West as she called upon and received all that she needed. Auburn Pisces could hear the High Priestesses thoughts as she took everything in. It was a memory Auburn Pisces will never forget.

Golden Boy had a tough time keeping the muddler away from the High Priestess. It didn't seem to matter how many times the High Priestess was told a muddler is not a sex toy, she was always caught sneaking to the bar (a.k.a. kitchen counter) and trying to make off with the muddler. This made Auburn Pisces very sad because the muddler, which was a gift from Golden Boy, was critical in the way Golden Boy and JR would masterfully create her margaritas.

Everyone at the beach run shared many laughs over the weekend. One of which was the story of the High Priestess trying to be hoisted into Pony's huge-ass, 4x4, lifted, 35" tire, big mo fo truck after drinking even Auburn Pisces' margaritas at CC's. Hot Toddy went to great lengths to help his friend with the little legs try to get into a truck that was half a foot taller than her. Auburn Pisces almost missed the visuals of such an effort because she was soberly taking in the people and atmosphere - she could have driven if she needed to - just sayin'.

On Saturday morning the family was sitting around the breakfast table when the subject of lost and found at CC's came up. It was then that Auburn Pisces told Golden Boy any time one of her lost MAC lipsticks turned up in lost and found she wanted them back. Golden Boy tried to explain to Auburn Pisces that you really don't want lipstick back that's been in the lost and found.

Auburn Pisces tried to argue back by pointing out that no one wears her light shade of lipstick and no one would want it.

Golden Boy appeared surprised Auburn Pisces didn't get his point. "You don't want it back" he snapped, "it's better than getting herpes from a drag queen!!!" Auburn Pisces knew that Golden Boy was right and decided no lost lipstick was worth it.

There was also the afternoon run to the casino in which Auburn Pisces wanted no part. She really just wanted to hang back and get some ocean time but Vidal and JR were insistent. The High Priestess and Golden Boy wouldn't let up either. Reluctantly Auburn Pisces conceded and headed into Lincoln City with the gang.

Little did Auburn know that while she was gone Hot Toddy baked her a birthday cake and then sauteed onions to cover the cake smell. The gang surprised Auburn Pisces and sang Happy Birthday to her and gave her a card filled with thoughts of love that made Auburn Pisces cry...really hard. Never before had Auburn been so touched by her family.

All in all it was another great weekend at the coast for the everyone. Whether someone was throwing up in their handbag or throwing lighters at a sliding glass door because the music had stopped or whether it was because a big surprise or two was shared - or whether or not you talked to the stars on a ride home or ended up covered by a blanket and pillow on the bathroom floor because that's as far as one could go - or even if you got really hot and cooled off with the ocean breeze against your naked breasts in front two of your Boys, it was a week that will not ever be forgotten.

Auburn Pisces is blessed by those she has chosen to surround her.

Special Friends Day

2007-03-01T11:19:00.000-08:00

Today was Special Friends Day at Auburn Aries elementary school. Just to share a little of my morning, their teacher had created an interview sheet as something to do while we were visiting. Aries had a good time with this one, though I suspect I've simply verified her thoughts that I'm *gasp* old...

AA: What was it like when you were my age.
AP: Things were a lot slower. It seemed easier to stop and smell the roses.
AA: But I can smell 'em now.
AP: Exactly.
AA: Mom. Whatever.

AA: What was the style when you were my age?
AP: Bell-bottomed pants and shirts with crazy colors on them.
AA: What the heck are bell-bottoms?
AP: Pants with leg holes so big they covered your whole shoe.
AA: Ew. Gross.

AA: Were there fast food restaurants when you were a kid?
AP: How old do you think I am? Yes, there was McDonald's, Taco Bell and Jack in the Box - though they really hadn't been around very long.
AA: Did you used to get a Happy Meal?
AP: No there weren't such thing as Happy Meals, but hamburgers were a nickel. Sheesh!

AA: What music did you listen to?
AP: Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars
AA: What the…you're weird Mom.

AA: What was it like to not have TV, CDs, answering machines, and cell phones?
AP: We had a TV; we listened to records on a record player where a needle touches the record as it goes around for the sound to come out; we actually answered the phone when it rang; and we waited until we were at home to call someone or we stopped and used a pay phone.

AA: Did you really walk to school two miles each way in the snow?
AP: No, I walked to school in sandals because it was hot in San Diego and it wasn't miles away, it was only a few blocks away.

With my impending birthday on Monday and 44 being unavoidably within my reach, I find myself working from home torn between reaching for or letting go of my youth. Poor Aries is probably wondering why I'm not using a walker to get around. Eh, when she's 44 she'll look back and see what I see now. That's the beauty of it all.

The Path Halfway Traveled

2006-12-19T08:56:00.000-08:00

I feel like a mess today. Not in the physical sense like my hair’s messed up or my clothes are disheveled. I feel like my life is out of control. I know it isn’t but I’m just having one of those days.

As the cost of living in Portland increases (yes, our gas prices are one of the highest in the nation) I watch my hard earned cash fly out the door. It never seems I have enough. Thing about it is, I make great money. I just poorly manage it. I never used to though. After my relationship with Daddy D ended, it’s like the poison that was our relationship continues to linger in my life. Some days I can’t seem to catch a break.

Money is tight this Christmas. I knew it was tight going into this commercialized season of giving. I can’t wait until Auburn Aries is just a little older and we can take vacations at Christmas instead of getting sucked into this whirlwind.

Regardless of how tight my money is right now, it still didn’t prevent me from helping out a friend. This particular person has three children and currently isn’t working because she’s taking care of her Mom who is terminally ill. Caring for someone who is terminal the most genuine act of love there is.

So I gave her money a few days ago. She tried to refuse it but I wouldn’t let her. There was a fleeting moment I thought twice about it. I knew it would limit what I was capable of giving to my daughter and then I looked into those beautiful eyes and realized I was being selfish by not helping her give her children some type of Christmas.

After I put the money in her hand, I was reminded of the true spirit of Christmas. I knew I did the right thing.

I walked through my house this morning and muttered a string of expletives at the tremendous amount of clutter everywhere. I can’t take it anymore. This is not how I live yet I seem to lack the discipline to do much about it right now.

Is it possible being melancholy from the holidays (only my third without my Mom) has caught up with me? Have I become so complacent in my life that I’ve lost my motivation? Or have I simply not given enough weight to the fact that a three hour commute every day is kicking my ass and I’m too damn tired to deal with it during the week?

I miss my housekeeper. ‘Nuff said.

This is not who I am. I’m someone who is always on the ball. I stay on top of my bills – not avoid the ones with cellophane windows. I keep a tidy house – not one that I need to apologize for when people come over. I’m a Piscean dreamer who’s usually reading energy and thinking about what will be – not bogged down thinking about how fucked up the things behind me have been.

Who am I and where have I gone?

There is a special woman who is interested in me, and I her. Yet is who I am right now who I want her to see? This isn’t the real me. I’m in here somewhere but will she be able to see it?

I saw a woman this summer for a while. Perhaps one day I’ll tell the story here. I ended up breaking up with here because regardless of the fact that she was heartbreakingly beautiful and I could see a future with her, she had a problem with the fact that I had a daughter and that’s not a path I will travel. It’s a package deal, end of story.

Following that break up and my intense disappointment with the fact that someone could speak that poorly of my child, I kind of threw my hands in the air and started feeling a sense of exasperation toward the prospect of every finding someone who “gets it.” I put on 10 pounds (which I’m currently working on getting rid of) and I concluded I would likely be single for a long time - something with which I am totally okay.

Then, alas, a spark flew and I’m approaching a doorway where I’ve stood before. One of hope and possibilities. Do I reach in and take the hand of this beauty and linger there for a while until I feel like I’m my better self? Is it fair to try to give of myself when I’m not taking very good care of my world right now?

I speak of these things not because I’m depressed and feeling worthless. I simply know I could be and do better and perhaps all it will take is seeing these words on the page to realize I was in here the whole time.

Each of these things is a path before me. I find myself taking hurried steps part of the way down each path but never completing the journey. I will never be successful if I don’t stay the course before me. The answers lie within me and I know this. I need only find the motivation I apparently lack to obtain them.

Ahhh Nuts

2006-12-08T08:30:00.000-08:00

While sitting with Pony at CC's over the weekend, he shared with me a revelation:

Pony: I found out the other day jock itch is like athletes foot but it's up here [pointing to his crotch] 'cause everything is all crunched up in there and moist [as he uses his hands to make what appears to be an example of an uncomfortable crunched up scrotum. I made this assessment based on the scrunched up look on his face].

So I don't know who's been dragging their nuts across the gym floor or maybe he's been masturbating like this [lifts his foot to his crotch and pretends to rub his foot on the rather *ahem* large bulge in his Levi's] with his feet but I bet how however they did it, they're fucking weird.

AP: [Laughs hysterically at the childlike innocence with which he pleads his case] Geez, Pony - I never thought of it that way.

Hot Toddy is Marbles

2006-11-29T08:27:00.000-08:00

I received a voicemail from Hot Toddy night before last. Apparently he and JR were watching Will and Grace at CCs and Grace made mention of the fact that she was ovulating. With neither of the boys knowing what exactly let's a woman know when that's happening, Hot decided to call me.

Sadly, I didn't see that he had called until yesterday. When I did check my message, I sat in my home office and laughed out loud at the fact that Toddy would ask such a question.

HT: Hi Aub, it's me. I just wanted to ask you how a woman knows when she's ovulating. Okay, that's it. That's all I wanted to know. Bye

I headed over to CC's last night for a couple of hours and the minute Hot Toddy sat down he asked me the question again.

HT: So, how exactly does a woman know she's ovulating?

AP: Are you serious? You really want to know this?

HT: Yes, I want to know. [he explains watching TV with JR] I knew that I could ask you to find out. Do you actually know when the egg drops? Can you feel it drop?

AP: No it's more a matter of a physical trait your body exhibits when it happens.

HT: [puzzled look] Trait... What trait...

AP: Oh gawd. Okay. About two weeks after a woman's period is when she's most fertile. Women get...shiny...down there.

HT: Like when you pee?

AP: No. Um. When a woman wipes their...ya know... it'll look shiny. It's like a thin, shiny mucous, sort of.

HT: OH GOD!!! This is grossing me out.

AP: If a woman touches the shiny stuff and it's stretching in between her fingers, that's when she's ovulated and can get pregnant the easiest.

HT: This is disgusting. I thought it would be more like a marble dropping. You know it kinda rolls down the tube and plink. [Hot places his hand on his abdomen and jumps just a little] And then a woman would be like, "Oh, I just ovulated."

AP: No, Sweetie, it's not quite like that. But now you know if you ever decide to sleep with a woman don't do it in the middle of her cycle.

About that time Pony walked in and sat down.

Pony: So, what's up?

AP: Well, Hot Toddy was just asking me how a woman knows when she's ovulating and whether she feels it happen. So I explained it to him.

Pony: Well, do you feel it happen?

AP: [gives a quick explanation to Pony]

Pony: Fuckin' gross.

Eh, what can I say. We are complicated creatures. You boys couldn't handle everything we endure as women. Ya'll might be stronger, but we're tougher.

Holiday Hawk

2006-11-15T09:50:00.000-08:00

While hanging with Auburn Aries last night watching CSI, that new commercial for Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash came on. It's the one with the Holiday Hawk in it. Aries decided to explain to me what it was.

AA: That's the new Cranberry Splash. It's only around once a year.

AP: So they said.

AA: You know it tastes like cranberry juice.

AP: Really.

AA: Yep. Cranberry juice with suds.

AP: What? Excuse me, baby?

AA: Cranberry juice with suds in it. You know, Mom. The same way regular Sierra Mist tastes like water with suds in it.

AP: [Begins to laugh]

AA: What's so funny?

AP: You mean carbonation?

AA: Yeah, suds...carbonation, same thing.

Aries has entered a stage of talking non-stop. She shares opinions, stories, instructions, gives suggestions, wants to read aloud constantly...you get the idea. Night before last I couldn't take one more syllable. I actually turned to her and told her that I needed five minutes of no talking.

She got upset about it which was just fine with me - it still meant silence.

Last night, however, I was reminded why sometimes I just need to let her ramble!

2006-10-31T12:07:00.000-08:00

AA: Mommy, I have my field trip to Zenger Farms tomorrow.

AP: You need to dress warmly because it's going to be cold tomorrow. Wear something long-sleeved and wear your puffy coat.

AA: I have my new hot pink rubber boots to keep my feet dry!

AP: I'll pack you a lunch. Oh! And you have those gardening gloves I bought you this summer you can take.

AA: Gardening gloves…

AP: Yeah, gardening gloves. Trust me, you'll be glad you have them.

AA: Mom, why would I need gardening gloves?

AP: Beeeecause, it a vegetation farm where there are plants. You'll be planting seeds. Remember this is the first of three field trips there. Plant seeds, watch seeds grow?

AA: We are not planting seeds.

AP: Yes you are. Mr. Teacher-man said you guys were.

AA: [insert exasperated tone here] Mom, we're making beds there.

AP: I know. Flower beds.

AA: No Mom. We're learning to make beds there.

AP: Aries, you're making the beds to plant the seeds in.

AA: What?!...

AP: Like a vegetable garden. The area you plant the seeds in are called beds.

AA: [laughing hysterically] Oh my gosh, Mom, I thought they were taking us there to learn to make beds. Like beds people sleep in.

AP: Why would you think that? [other than you're Mom is a city girl and doesn't ever get your hands in the Earth]

AA: Well, there's that farm house there with all those solar panels and I thought there were probably a lot of beds in there.

AP: Dork.

Drag Queens, Bat Kisses and a Pony

2006-10-30T14:30:00.000-08:00

Saturday night CC Slaughter's threw their annual Halloween party. I didn't go dressed up in a costume. I didn't have the gang joining me. The Boys all had different plans so I ventured out on my own. Golden Boy was planning on being in drag while he tended bar and it was a must see. He's a beautiful man and knowing him the way I do I knew he'd settle for nothing less than impersonating a beautiful woman. I was correct. Golden Boy looked great! He even tended bar in boots that had relatively tall heels. I was impressed.

In addition to seeing Golden Boy in drag, I had the distinct pleasure of seeing my friend JR in drag. Oh my hell. Here was this very tall man sporting a big ass wig and make-up that I never thought he would have worn. He was such a good sport. He had me giggling as I watched he and Golden Boy adjust to life as a women - drinking beverages with a straw; not wanting to smudge their lipstick; complaining about long nails. I really had to laugh when I saw JR's feet and realized he was wearing sneakers with his long black dress. I also had to laugh when Golden Boy pointed out he'd lost a nail. I quickly leaned over and looked into my drink to see if I had inadvertently located the missing fingernail!

There were a multitude of drag queens meandering Saturday night. There were some with big hair, some with overly large fake breasts, there were even some with b.o. so bad it made you throw up a little bit in your mouth. It's called deodorant buddy…check into it.

There was one particular guy with extremely well built arms and upper body wearing a straw cowboy hat and overalls with no shirt. Hot, hot man. Good Lord. He caught the attention of everyone in the place.

It's so interesting to me how the tides have changed. Remember the days of straight men being fit and muscle bound? Remember during that same time period that gay men were...not? My how the tables have turned. Straight men are now those avoiding the gym in most cases and gay men are fit and strong.

Speaking of fit, strong men…segue The Toddtender. My what a yummy human being he is. He walked up wearing a Santa hat, red boxer brief-type shorts and a leather harness. Okay, he had me at the leather harness. Thank you, Toddtender for feeding the leatherwoman in me. He looks great.

I spent most of the evening hanging with Vidal and Bat Girl. Bat Girl…a friend worthy of a sexy blog name I have yet to concoct. Bat Girl and I went on a date once. It was only the one date. Golden Boy set us up. As it turns out, I'm not really her type and we've become pretty good friends over the last year or so. She and I talk on the phone from time-to-time and we text. She and I sat laughing and joking over the course of the evening until we ended up in the Rainbow Room at CC's (it's the quieter back bar).

This conversation led to that conversation led to kissing and then kissing some more. Good gawd that woman can kiss. I've been out with Hot Toddy over the years and heard him say things like, "tonight I just wanna kiss a boy." I've heard Young Stud say, "it isn't New Year's unless you make out with someone." I never really got it, just making out with someone for the sake of making out. I can, however, honestly say I have now done it. At one point Golden Boy walked up and stood briefly before walking away muttering that he needed to get away from us before round two of making out started!

I left the bar that night a.) in a great mood and b.) hammered. About the time I realized I had consumed too much Patron I flashed on the time. I had a babysitter to pay and send home.

I walked to my car realizing that I had passed the point that I should be driving. I rarely get drunk. It's just not my MO. I don't like how it feels; I don't like not being in control of myself; I don't like that it lingers there even when I don't want it to; I don't like it. Period. I usually make sure I'm okay to drive since I'm somebody's Mom. But Bat Girl cast her kissing spell on me and I was toast.

I sat in my car for a couple of minutes taking stock of my situation. There was only one thing I could do. I pulled out my cell phone and called the one person I knew I could count on to be there for me. I called Pony.

Pony has proven time and time again to not only be a man of his word, but a true friend in the most fundamental sense. He has, on more than one occasion, called me on my shit. He recently built me a computer that is unbelievably fast. He looks out for Auburn Aries and cares about her and understands that she's a part of me. He viewed being added to the list of authorized people to pick her up as an honor. I trust him with everything.

There are times I know I frustrate him. When I ask for the umpteenth time about Microsoft Money…when I've been amidst a bad depression spell and didn't have much positive to say - he's put up with me. He's been forgiving when I've needed it and conversely brutally honest when I needed it. He has great insight for a man his age. I was about to test our friendship.

At 11:38 p.m. I dialed his cell. When he answered, I was grateful and felt safe. He immediately asked where I was at. I told him. Without even needing to ask, he said he'd be right there. And he was. He probably drove 25 miles round trip to take me home and make sure I was safe. It's only the second time I've ever had to do that. The last time was years ago and Brown Eyes rescued me.

I felt like shit most of the day on Sunday. I had plans with Auburn Aries which required my car but it was still parked downtown. When she asked why it was downtown, I swallowed hard and told her it was because I did something really stupid and got drunk and made the safe choice to ask Pony for a ride. It was the Pony ride that very likely saved me from harm. It was definitely a different Pony ride than I've ~~fantasized~~ nevermind...

If I have a cocktail at home (which is isn't very often), I have one or maybe two. Auburn Aries has never seen me drunk. She's only ever seen me in control. When I told her I had gotten drunk she gasped and said "Oh Momma, are you okay? What was it like?" I explained to her that I hadn't eaten enough, that my stomach was upset and that I felt like vomiting. I told her I had the headache to end all headaches.

I may or may not have done the right thing by being honest with her like that. I seized the opportunity to let it be a growing experience for her rather than lie. When she got frustrated because we had plans and I had no keys and no car, I reminded her that I made a bad choice and didn't pay attention to what my body was telling me and that I was responsible for my actions. All I could do was apologize that my actions effected her and promise her it wouldn't happen again.

I am forever grateful to Pony for looking out for me and being there when I needed him. He has proven once again to be exactly the kind of man I knew he was.

Thank you, Pony, for loving me.

This is not depressing...no really!

2006-10-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

I am a depression sufferer.

I know...weird to admit to blogdom, but it's true. It's one of those things that I liken to being in the closet. Seriously. It has a similar stigma associated with it. Even as I write this post I stop to ask myself why I would want to admit this to anyone. It has negative connotations. Do I really want to be known as "one of *those* people."

The truth is I am one of those people - on boths counts (living outside the closet is much easier).

When my Mom's Alzheimer's became overwhelming, my sisters and I put her in a nursing home (after assisted living and subsequently living with my older sister). I found myself with situational depression. I didn't know at the time that's what I had. I went to my PCP and told her I was having trouble quitting smoking. When she asked me why, the flood gates opened. Tears flowed. The reasons I was having trouble eliminating smoking had nothing to do with the cigarettes.

It was this same year I realized I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Being from San Diego I have difficulty with the gray winters up here. As the weather turns gray it's like someone is pulling down the blinds on my mind. I wilt. Moving isn't really an option since Aries' Dad lives in the NW. I'm not willing to put my daughter on a jet twice a month for his weekends.

Anyway.

Three years of Wellbutrin turned into the 'why isn't this helping anymore' conversation with my PCP. I switched meds about a month ago and I'm feeling better mentally though I find my motivation is still lacking. It's a process. For me it's just life with a side order of depression added to the mix. Not what I'd have chosen but apparently it's my path for now.

By the way, please don't think that I choose to sit on my butt and wait for meds to kick in. I am cognizant of diet, exercise, meditation, etc.

Moving on... I was on the phone today with Aries' physical therapist who inquired about missing a couple of appointments. With a deep breath I chose to share with her that I had a difficult time with my depression this summer and it unfortunately interfered with life. I told her I was trying to get back on track.

That conversation turned into her story about her depression and what worked for her. We shared our the hesitancy to discuss our stories with people. She pointed out it isn't any different than living with Diabetes or any other condition. It's in there. It exists. Not talking about it isn't going to raise awareness nor will it make it go away.

After I hung up the phone, I thought about how many people must suffer with it and not say a word. I did a little research by Googling "depression support groups portland oregon."

Something happened while I was doing that research. Something that I found so funny I actually emailed Hot Toddy, Pony, The Professor and Ren. It went something like this:

.....
Is it bad....

Is it a bad thing that I just Googled "depression support groups portland oregon" and cruised the chicks on the site I selected? ROFL

Cruising chicks with depression. How gawd damn hilarious is THAT?!?! Oh my hell. Could you imagine that conversation?

Her: "I'm sad and lonely."
Me: "I'm not sad and I'm not lonely but my house is a mess."
Her: "I'd like to kiss you but I'm too depressed to get out of my chair."
Me: "I don't want to be kissed but I'm up for a booty call if you'll shut'yer gap."

Oh my gawd. I'm crackin myself up here!

As soon as I realized I was looking at the pictures of girls on the site I said aloud, "wtf am I doing," shut it down and started laughing. Maybe I'm not as depressed as I thought!

.....

I don't mean to make light of something as serious or difficult as depression can be to deal with but when I realized I was looking at the pictures of the girls on the website saying "ooh she's cute; she's nasty; I'd do her..." I realized what a pig I was being and had to laugh at myself.

I only got one comment back from the gang as of this writing. It was from The Professor. I'll let him choose to share his thoughts but let me just say that I appreciate his pointing out that it's okay to still have a libido even when I'm down. Great minds think alike...just sayin'.

While Older Chicks Rule

2006-10-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Pua sent this to me this morning. It was too cool not to publish.. For those you who have trouble dealing with someone a little older, read on and learn. This is why 40 is the new 20.

I love you, Pua... Thank you for sending me this.

Why Older Chicks Rule
by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes"

This is for all you girls 40 years and over.... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's AND 60's, and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one!

You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free," here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

Touched by...

2006-10-06T10:41:00.000-07:00

The friendship I have with My Boys.

Hearing Pony's laugh when something is really funny. The way his head tips back when he's doing so. And the way he leans it to one side or the other just slightly as the laughter subsides.

Hearing Pony say "I love you more" after I've said it to him.

Watching Hot Toddy when he's being jovial and everyone is laughing at his anecdotes and hearing him laugh at his own humor.

The strength of the friendship that consumes me when Toddy hugs me.

A quiet conversation with The Professor after everyone has left for the evening and it's just raw conversation about the real stuff that makes our lives complete.

The Professor's truly grounded spirit and the clarity he possesses.

The interaction between all of us when we're together. Even on bad days we are all there for one another.

The ability to share my fears with the people that love me the most and to know it's okay to be afraid sometimes.

The wherewithal to face my fears and feel "little" because I know I have family to catch me if I fall.

How We Treat People (and things) in this World

2006-09-29T15:08:00.000-07:00

A story by Auburn Aries
(none of this story has been modified or corrected)

How We Treat People (and things) in this World

There once lived a girl that was the same from the people in her class but they teased her like she wasn't good enough or something and everyday she would go home and ask her Mom if she was different. Her Mom always told her, if she was different, she would have told her. And if she was, it wouldn't be no different. "Cause" she will always be the better person.

One day she went home and asked Momma are we poor? No. Your not poor if you have a loving family and a nice friend. Ok Momma.

So when she went to school the next day, the kids asked are you poor or something? So instead of answering, she asked if she could give a speech in front of the class? The teacher said yes so she did.

Her speech went like this:

How We Treat People by: Alexa B.

I know this might not change you but listen. We all might be different but we're all one people. We're all one. We shouldn't be friends one day and not be the next.

And teasing. We need to stop "cause" always 24 against one.

[pictures of flowers and rainbows and shooting stars here]

STOP!

We all just need peace!

Thank you for listening to my speech.

Parental side note:

I may make mistakes as a parent but when I read her stories, especially stories like this one, I realize I am doing one very important thing right. I have the best kid on the planet. My concern is that someone at school has said something to her that it prompted these thoughts in her. We clearly are not poor and she knows that but the stuff about mis-treating her because she's different bothers me on a scale that is indescribable. They better pray I never hear them say it to her…or better yet, I pray that I *do* hear it. Little bastards.

Auburn Aries learns text messaging

2006-09-26T15:16:00.001-07:00

During the American Idol finale, I was sitting in CC Slaughter's with the usual gang. I received text messages from Auburn Aries. I loved this exchange.

AA: Talor won

AP: Thank you, Sweetie. I love you.

AA: Love u to, ps bar girl!!

AP: LOL. Saucy Girl!

AA: Did you mean saucy in a bad way?

AP: It's a good thing. Be home soon. Nite, Sweetie. Go to sleep Pretty Girl.

AA: Ok Mommy, night.

AP: I love you so much it makes me cry good tears. Nite baby.

AA: Nite nite

20-something Hotties

2006-09-20T18:32:00.000-07:00

Explain it to me if you will.

Why is it the age of women who provide services for you has decreased?

Why is it said women have become more and more beautiful?

Is it possible (shush...I know that not only is it possible, but it's *why* it's happening) that I've reached the age where everyone now appears young enough to be my child?

I used a waxing professional in Portland - let's call her Aunt Sandy. Aunt Sandy looked like just that...someone's Aunt. Middle-aged, thick sandy blonde hair to her shoulders that had just the right amount of wave, a pair of cheaters (half glasses) that sat low on her nose.

I entered Aunt Sandy's shop and was nervous until I met her. I realized having her wax my hoo-haw was really no big deal.

Then I began working at Company South and could no longer make my appointments in Portland, so I searched for a waxing professional who could accommodate lunch hour appointments.

I walked into this new salon with a certain amount of ease built right in. Then entered Hot Young Thing. Yep, you got it. 22 years old. Firm, full breasts. Long straight hair with just the right amount of highlights. Long eyelashes. A tattoo on the small of her back (cut to Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers). Tan skin...

Suddenly the thought of opening my legs for a Brazilian wax caused everything within me to tighten with anxiety. I'm old enough to be this young girl's mother and she's going to get up close and personal with a particular area of my body that I'd ordinarily not let someone her age see.

Please understand I'm not normally an uptight person. In fact, most would say I am the exact opposite when it comes to things like this. And don't get me wrong - I didn't shy away from the fact that I was about to open up my goody-box (as we call it in my family) to be (((ahem))) serviced. Being the mature adult that I am I sucked it up and proceeded as planned.

I did, however, apologize for the fact that she was going to be so up close and personal with such an intimate area. I also thanked her for doing so.

She responded and told me about how when she first started waxing she was amazed by all the different ways a woman's anatomy looked and found it fascinating. Said she'd go home and tell her fiance' all about it. Now, however, you've seen one - you've seen them all.

There was a dozen different ways for me to refute this particular argument but I decided it would have been a point wasted on a 22 year old straight girl.

I managed through that appointment and all my subsequent waxing appointments. She does a great job and we've become friendly with each other. She more so with me for obvious reasons.

Fast-forward to today when I had my gallbladder ultrasound.

I'm in the waiting room and in walks this stunning beauty. Average height, thin build, long straight blonde hair, blue eyes, beautiful skin and teeth and probably in her mid'ish 20's. I thought she was going to take me back into the room and leave me with Ursula the Ultrasound Tech.

Not the case.

"If you could just remove your top and leave your bra on..."

At least I wore a really pretty bra today.

"And put this gown on, open in the back... I want to make sure I don't get lube on your clothes..."
Umm hmm. Lube on my clothes. I'm sorry but where's the problem?? (((giggle))).

"We'll get started..."

And that we did.

I laid back on the table and the laughter I had going on in my head about how she had no idea of how what she was saying could be misconstrued was gone.

It was at this moment that I became very cognizant of my age. I have the over 40 mid-section that needs a little attention. I have laugh lines on my face - each one earned. I was old enough to be her mother. I was laying here assessing this 20-something hotty x-raying my body.

Everyone looks younger now. Everyone is so into life and planning their future - all futures that have crossed my path and thankfully so I might add. I'm grateful for the sweet young things that do for me the things I won't or can't do. But gone are the days of objectifying them the way I used to. Now I just feel like a gross ol' lesbian when I do it. Unless of course I have someone with me and we're objectifying them together. Then it becomes people-watching.

You didn't seriously think I'd stop checking people out did you? It's true I am old enough to be a mother to some of them. But I'm not... and that, my pretty...is the key.

The gall of some people

2006-09-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I go to the Imaging department at one of our NW hospitals. I have to have an ultrasound done on my gallbladder of all things.

Who'da thunk it? How weird is this. Off and on for some time now I've had this pain up under the right hand side of my rib cage. It feels similar to the pain you get when you've been running and you get that catch in your side except for me it's more of a big annoying, non-stop ache.

I've had this place in between my shoulder blades that's gone out a lot lately. I actually thought it was a rib that kept sneaking out of place. When I went to a naturopath/chirocracker he indicated that it could be indicative of something more serious. Upon answering what seemed like a neverending list of questions, I came to realize that those symptoms I had that I had been dismissing could likely be a problem with my gallbladder.

I was supposed to go have it checked last week but they scheduled it on the first day of school. I wasn't up to sacrificing the excitement of Auburn Aries first day of school.

I'm truly hoping it's nothing but from what I've heard your gallbladder will give you a couple of warnings and then could get acute in short order. Best not to screw around with it I guess. It's funny...I never heard of anyone having their appendix out until mine ruptured when I was 20 and then I knew a dozen people who had it happen.

Similarly, I only know of one friend who's had hers out and now I get rumblings from friends and coworkers of this person and that one who's had theirs removed. Of course, it'd be nice to talk to one of these people first hand - I guess I'll find out what it's like soon enough if they decide to rip it out. When I went to the doctor the nurse that took my vitals told me that I was the fifth person they'd seen that day for the same thing.

Eh...no need to get spun up in a knot over it just yet. I should know more tomorrow.

It's not Hot anymore!

2006-09-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

Well, it's finally happened.. Hot Toddy no longer lives here. No longer will I hear that familiar beckoning from downstairs reminding me it's 5 o'clock somewhere and that the cocktail hour is upon us. No longer will I be able to just pop downstairs and visit with my friend. No longer will I worry that he's not eating well and invite him up for dinner at the spur of the moment. Well, that will still happen it will just have to be planned better.

I know it's his time to go. Though I have not seen his apartment yet (boycott perhaps?!) he's told me it's great. The Toddtender told him it has great energy and I trust The Toddtender in that regard. I'll make it over there this week perhaps.

Ordinarily one would see the new digs of a friend when they move, however with Hot Toddy that's a horse of a different color. You see Toddy doesn't move things like a normal person would. He tends to drag his feet and do it in spurts. He was telling me this weekend that it took him two months to move out of the home of The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz when he moved in with me.

Now that Toddy has Sven, it's taken moving to an entirely new level. Don't get me wrong, I'm not by any means complaining. On the contrary, I hope it takes him a long time to move out. That guarantees plenty of face time with the Toaster Oven. I did, however, have to laugh earlier when he and Pony and I were having cocktails together on my front porch.

AP: You know Toddy at the rate you're moving things out of here, I might as well just keep charging you rent.

HT: I know. It took me two months to move out of The Handsome Prince's house. You see, I don't want to burden any one person with helping me move so I'm spreading it out between all my friends.

Pony: Remember, I'm only going to help you move boxes. No furniture this time! Hey, wait a minute. You have a truck now, why am I helping you at all? Besides, if you'd quit moving every six months, that would help.

HT: I know, I know. No furniture. Doesn't matter anyway. The Toddtender already helped me with that. He was such a big help. Besides, I lived here almost a year and a year at THP's and a year and a half with Juju.

AP: Wait a minute!!! You lived here the least amount of all?! That's not fair!

Pony: Yeah, you chased him away! See what you've done.

HT: Don't worry, Aub. I'll be by in a few days and grab another shirt and pants for work. Then a couple days after that I'll come by again... You get the idea.

AP: Auburn Pisces' Storage Facility. Eh...works for me.

He took another box out to his truck tonight. Pony and I watched as he heaved his computer box into the bed of his truck. A little piece of my heart goes every time he heads for his new place. I know he's still just across town. I know I'll still see him. But fewer are the days of us sitting on the porch in our jammies having tea and coffee and getting caught up. Gone are the days of heading home knowing that I have him to vent to when something's gone awry and I need to talk about it this minute.

As I write this post Auburn Aries reads over my shoulder and says in her small little voice, "I'm going to miss Toddy." Girl, if I had a nickel...

The love I have for Toddy and all My Boys continues to grow exponentially with each passing day. They are truly my family. Without them I don't know what I'd do. In as much as I was there for Todd following Thor's departure when his heart was breaking, he's been there for me in equally important ways...even if it was just to have a Margarita and not talk about whatever was going on because that's all we could do.

So go on, Hot Toddy...move into your bachelor pad and do your thing. I'll make sure there's ice in the freezer for whenever you come back home for a visit.

I'm sorry

2006-08-04T15:51:00.000-07:00

I know I said I'd write. As it turns out, the legal stuff I am smack dab in the middle of has created a sitch where "they" have taken to reading and scrutinizing my blog. By the way, for you sneaky legal people it's 3:48 p.m. on Friday, August 4, 2006. I am not at work, I have the day off. I am posting this on my own time, on my own computer and in my own house...so all of "you" can just stop reading now, this doesn't concern you.

I have been hesitant to write because so much of what I have written has been picked apart. I think about writing every day. I still take notes on cocktail napkins and other scraps of paper because something funny or terrific happens and then when I think about how "they" have taken stories told in innocence and torn them apart like I'm a bad person - I rethink telling my stories.

I have decided that I'm fucking tired of worrying about what "they" think. I will get back to posting again. Just so you legal-types know...it will be on my own time, on my own computer in my own house. You needn't question me about it.

Things are great. Auburn Aries is at her Dad's right now - the second of her two week breaks with him. She's having fun. Her Dad has a new girlfriend who seems to be pretty great and it's making it easier on Aries.

Hot and I still have cocktails on the porch and talk. And yes, I still yell "Hey Hot" down the stairs and he still says "It's 5 o'clock" giving me the cocktail hour warning.

I'm still commuting in the Stang to work everyday. And yes, the price of gas is still eating me alive. I love my job, however, and the people I work with so it eases the pain a little.

And right now, I've gotta run. I have someone beautiful waiting for me as I have a previous engagement. I jumped on to check in and felt I owed you a bit of an explanation.

I love you guys and will get back to it.

I promise.

I'm still here

2006-06-05T23:15:00.000-07:00

So many fun things to write about...I just need to find the time to write them. Don't give up on me!!!

I have vacation stories about Aries to tell.

Among other things.

I'll find the time soon...

It's almost 11:30 p.m. Been been up since 4 a.m. and am draggin' my fanny or I'd just keep my fingers on the keyboard.

I've been to the gym twice today and pulled weeds this evening. I'm freakin' beat. Perhaps tomorrow night I'll find some time after dinner.

Sorry I'm on the lag crew....

Hamlet...the hamster

2006-05-16T22:07:00.000-07:00

I was in Auburn Aries' office looking for index cards on which she must write her speech on flies. I was looking around and realized I was maneuvering around a pedestal fan that magically appeared.

The weather in Portland has been phenomenal. It was around 93 degrees yesterday. That pleases me. Feeling the warmth of sun against my sunlight deprived skin puts me in a great mood. Not being cold...another plus.

Having a daughter that never gets cold can be the only drawback. When I put her bed last night, she requested a fan to keep her cool. The fan ran all night long in her room and she slept like a baby because of it.

While looking for the index cards I stopped, looked at the fan and looked at Aries.

AP: Where'd that fan come from?

AA: My bedroom.

AP: Why is it in your office?

AA: To keep Hamlet [her Albino hamster] cool today.

AP: You ran a fan all day long to keep your hamster comfortable???

AA: Yeah. What's wrong with that? This room is really warm [it's located in the very center of the house] and I didn't want him to overheat.

AP: Wait a second...you ran a fan all day long without my knowledge while I was at work 50 miles south of here at Company South to make sure your hamster was comfy? Were you going to let me know you were going to leave a fan running all day long?

AA: Mom, I told you this morning. I said I was going to move the fan for Hamlet so he'd stay cool. You didn't say anything.

Mental note to self: Spend less time playing with your MAC makeup and picking a sundress and more time listening to your kid.

Somewhere in between "I can't get my ponytail tight enough" and "do I have to brush my teeth" she snuck one in on me.

P.S. Canada Girl, I know I owe you some calls. Bear with me, I'm working through some stuff. And Guru, leave some time open the week of Memorial weekend. You've got a couple of Auburns to meet.

Ten Dollar Ha Ha

2006-05-15T17:57:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday I ran home after work, through on some workout clothes and headed for the gym. From the downstairs ~~addiction hole~~ World of Warcraft corner of the house a voice spoke.

HT: When you get back, let's have a cocktail since we didn't go to C.C.'s tonight.

After a quick inventory, I realized I would need to stop by the liquor store for Patron and some Vodka for Hot Toddy.

As I neared the liquor store (I didn't want to go in there all sweaty after a workout) I realized that I had forgotten my MP3 player and doing a cardio without it is impossible for me. My plan was to run into the liquor store, run back to the house, head back to the gym and then home.

There was one unforeseen flaw with my plan.

AP: Hey, Liquor Store Girl (LSG), you don't have any boxes of Patron out so I'm taking the front bottle.

LSG: That's fine. I can get you a boxed bottle if you'd like…

AP: [shrugs] I'm just going to recycle it anyway.

LSG: BTW, we got the Platinum in.

AP: The wha?

LSG: The Platinum. Patron makes a Platinum tequila now.

AP: [in a challenging voice] Show me…

As we're approaching the counter she's giving me the 411 on the new tequila. She said one of the regular Patron patron's bought one and said that it was "fucking magnificent."

She ran into the back to get a ladder to reach the glorious bottle. She reached up on the top shelf (where it belongs) and there it was. What LSG said was true. She gently handed it to me and was laughing at the expression on my face.

AP: OH. MY. HELL. Look at this. It's a thing of beauty.

LSG: The bottle is made of lead-free crystal. It comes in a black velvet bag with a bolo-tie that closes it. It has a small booklet inside that talks about the tequila and the packaging. Each bottle is numbered and signed. The box it comes in is made from curly maple (I think that's what she said, at this point her words were nearly inaudible - I could hardly hear over the angels singing] which is what they make violins out of.

AP: [Taps on the ball on the top of the cork which is made of silver] I have to have one. You never should have showed this to me. I'm going to have to buy it. How much is it?

LSG: $199.95

AP: Two hundred gawd damned dollars for tequila. This is insane. [I think quietly for just a moment searching for logic…that voice that says don't do it. That voice of reason was nowhere around…or I couldn't hear it either, over the angels singing of course…or maybe I was meant to be in the liquor store on that day at that time - it was a sign - okay that's a bit of a stretch]

With only two sales girls and me in the store, I got pretty excited about the new tequila. I actually jumped up and down and clapped my hands saying "I'm so excited!!!!!" They girls were laughing at me.

Anyway, I handed her the bottle and walked over to the vodka section. I grabbed the half gallon of Potter's Vodka HT had requested and then picked up a bottle of Patron Silver and sat them on the counter. LSG rung up my order.

AP: No, no, Sweetie. I was serious. I want that bottle of Platinum.

LSG: But you have Patron right here.

AP: Yeah, that's the rot-gut tequila for mixing. That, right there, is not.

Now, I never thought I'd see the day I referred to my beloved Patron Silver as rot-gut…and we all know I wasn't serious because it's the polar opposite of rot-gut yet here I was saying it. I paid the bill $278 liquor bill and waited for LSG to bag my prize.

She put the Platinum box (which she retrieved from the back of the shelf to assure no one had touched it), in the bag first. Then she grabbed the ~~rot-gut vodka~~ tasty beverage of Hot Toddy's choice and hovered it above the bag.

LSG: I can't do it. I can't put Potter's Vodka in the same bag as the Platinum.

I left the store with two bags.

I raced home forgetting the gym even existed.

I yelled downstairs and begged HT to come upstairs to see what I had done. When I told him I had done something "over the top" he replied with "what did you buy?!" He knows me too well. As I pulled out the box of Gran Patron and unveiled it in all its magnificent glory, he was in awe of its beauty and we were both excited to taste it.

We headed outside to partake in my new purchase. Toddy grabbed two small bucket glasses and I poured 'em neat. We spoke a small "Blessed Be" to each other and felt the subtlety of the Gran Patron delicately stroke our palates. It is exquisite. HT said it was like drinking silk. He is 100% correct.

So based on the price I'm sure you can understand how tight-fisted I am with this particular bottle.

Fast-forward to Saturday night. Ren came by to say Hi. We (me, Hot and Ren) were on the front porch visiting and I showed her the Patron. Though she was unable to participate in a cocktail that particular evening, I offered another drink to Hot Toddy and poured one for myself.

Now there's one minor detail I feel compelled to point out. I am unaccustomed to drinking anything straight up. Even Patron Platinum. So when I pour drinks for HT and I, I pour more for him than I do for myself. Same thing Saturday night. In fact, his was a pretty heavy drink.

We sat there talking and I took very small sips of my tequila savoring each time it passed my lips. The evening got late, Ren was leaving and it was Aries' bedtime.

HT: Well, I guess I'll go downstairs. [Hot Toddy began collecting his things…vodka glass, mail, bucket glasses…]

AP: HEY, WAIT!!!!!!!! THAT GLASS ISN'T EMPTY.

HT: What? Oh, really? Which one was it? [He grabs the top glass, holds it to the porch light of the neighbors house to verify it was my glass of Patron and GULPS IN DOWN IN ONE DRINK] Well….NOW IT IS!!!!!! HA HA

I was blown away. $200 tequila that I share with my dearest friend who has the most indiscriminate palate of anyone I know and he guzzles down my cocktail. It's so expensive, I wasn't going to pour another, nor did I really want to. I was only going to have the one drink.

I wasn't sure what to do. Was I pissed or hurt? Was he drunk or thoughtless? Do I say anything or let it go? These things I pondered until I fell asleep and again when I awoke. I simply couldn't believe he had done it.

Later Sunday morning, Toddy and I stepped outside to have coffee and tea, respectively.

HT: Man, I was so drunk last night.

AP: Drunk?! You were drunk last night? Well, that explains the Patron incident.

HT: Oh my gawd, WHAT Patron incident.

AP: You don't remember?

HT: [hesitantly awaits my response to see how bad it was]

AP: [explains his actions the night before]…You actually took my bucket of Platinum and guzzled it down like a shot of Cuervo. I had only had two small sips of that tequila, ya bastard.

HT: Oh my gawd, Aub…I'm SO sorry. Wow, I guess that was like a ten dollar ha ha wasn't it…

AP: Yeah, Hot, ten dollar ha ha…very funny.

So let's do some simple math, shall we? A fifth of Silver is $50. A fifth of Gran Patron Platinum is $200 which is four times as much. A shot of Patron is $9 therefore a shot of Platinum would be…$36… yeah, Hot…a funny ha ha indeed!

He SO owes me a margarita the next time we go out and I'm SO not letting him off the hook.

Driving Un-etiquette

2006-05-10T16:27:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm commuting I have time to think about a myriad of things. It's amazing what a person thinks about when they're all alone…or not.

A couple of weeks ago, Auburn Aries and I were in the car when a really bad, really slow driver pulled out in front of me. If I didn't know any better, I'd have thought they did it just to piss me off. Once behind these people there was no way out. Every red light we stopped at turned into an eternity of me begging the other driver to "PLEASE, TURN…DO SOMETHING…GET OUT OF MY WAY…"

To quote Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty..All this horsepower and nowhere to gallop.

Aries was in the car laughing and knows me well enough at this point that she started a dialogue.

AA: Man, I can't believe they pulled in front of the Mustang. Don't they know how fast this car goes? I mean, it would have only taken a second for you to be out of their way.

AP: This is all I'm sayin'!! Eh, their just jealous cause our car is nicer than theirs and if I were in front it would sting doubly bad.

AA: [mocking Jim Carrey] Laaahoooo-saaahhher [and smacks the letter L on her forehead]

Well, I started laughing which probably wasn't the right thing to do.

AP: (prepare yourself for an airhead moment) Hey, I wonder if we did that so they could see it in their rearview mirror, which hand you'd have to do it with.

Aries and I talked back and forth about - if we see it this way in the mirror, then they'd see it that way if they were looking at us, but their not. They'd be looking in their mirror too so…

Visors were pulled down; examples were shown; and we were laughing so hard it didn't matter that we were sucked into a blonde-moment vortex even though we're both redheads.

I was telling my coworkers today about the Loser hand signal in the mirror story today. Everyone was laughing and shaking their heads. One of the guys piped up and said, "you should have just told your daughter to use a lower case L (and holds his index finger in the center of his forehead). Someone else said, "You can kill two birds with one stone with that hand gesture by using your middle finger."

I laughed so hard… I reminded him that teaching my daughter to flip people off while driving isn't a good thing. I've actually taught her that when someone flips you off and are steaming mad, the best thing to do back is to flip them a Peace sign. It really chaps them when they see you were the better person!

Admittedly, however, I'm not the best example of perfect driving etiquette. Au contraire… I'm the "if they could hear me ranting they respond with road rage" girl. I cannot shut the hell up when I'm driving. It's like a hobby - which is a fun hobby for a short-tempered redhead who is Irish, Scottish, German, Indian. It's like a mini-pressure release valve similar to a pressure cooker. I'm making myself laugh today. By the time I get home I'm all cooked and easier to swallow! I’m crackin' myself up!

What I've found is that whereas I have a 90 minute drive home, if I spend it talking to someone on my cell phone with my headset on, it makes me frickin crazy. I start feeling like I have no alone time which dominoes into being snappy because I talk until I get into Portland and hang up outside daycare and immediately have to engage in conversation with Aries. Not pretty. I end up not taking any calls on my cell because I hate the damn thing.

I seem to be getting used to the drive. Sometimes I don't like forfeiting the time I spend on the road because it feels like time lost - but I've made pretty good use of it so far.

For instance, this morning traffic was heavy (I was in the fast lane not going fast.) On the shoulder was an older van that was obviously the work truck of a small mom and pop shop. As I approached I noticed blackish smoke starting to pour from the hood. The driver had propped the hood open and was running to the back of the van - hopefully to grab an extinguisher.

My instinct was to pull over and help him then I realized I don't have an extinguisher in the Mustang - something I'll have to remedy. When I checked my side mirror though, a semi-truck quickly pulled off the freeway to help him. It reminded me how tight the trucking community is and how selfless they can be. I've never met a trucker who hasn't stopped to help in some way. I just hope if the day comes that I need help like that, that I'm wearing one of my sundresses and sexy shoes!!

I've also noticed that there are a fair amount of people (translation: a lot of assholes) who think that doing 70 in the fast lane justifies their presence in that lane. For the Aries K car that won't effing move - you know - the one with the duct tape on the bumper…GET OUT'THE WAY BITCH, GET OUT'THE WAY.

And for all the people who slow waaaay down when they see a cop...the presence of a policeman doesn't mean doing one mile an hour less than the speed limit will fool him into thinking you always drive that speed. Find some ovaries and go, gawd dammit.

Just once I'd like to have the freeway to myself...

Time is a precious commodity

2006-05-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

It's interesting that I've gone from having too much time on my hands (and not particularly caring for it) when I wasn't working to feeling like there is now never enough.

A typical Auburn Pisces day:

Wake up at 4:10 a.m.
Throw on workout clothes and head to the gym
Train with my Hot Trainer from 4:30 - 5:00 a.m.
Back home by 5:15 a.m.
Get cleaned up and put make-up on by 6 a.m.
Wake Auburn Aries up at 6:00 (which is not a quick task)
Get dressed, gather healthy snacks and make a lunch between 6:00 & 6:30.
Deal with Auburn Aries trying to convince me it doesn't matter if it's raining, flip flops are the best choice.
Shoot for getting out the door at 6:30 (translation: this means 6:45 unfortunately)
Drop Aries off at daycare
Drive and hour and ten minutes to Company South
Work until 4:30 p.m.
Drive 90 minutes back to Portland
Pick up Aries at her after school program

Evening Variables are:

Variable One:
Go to the gym by 6:30 p.m. to get in a cardio workout
Get home at 7:30 p.m.
Make dinner
Eat around 8:15 p.m.
Put Aries to bed at 9:00 p.m
Die on couch soon thereafter.

Variable two:
Go straight home after picking up Aries
Make dinner and eat by 7:15'ish
Swear to all that is Holy that tonight is the night you'll get caught up on [the laundry, cleaning off the kitchen counter or cleaning the bathrooms]
Die on the couch around 7:30 only to be awakened by Aries saying "Mommy, it's time for me to go to bed."

It's a split, really. Two nights a week it's Variable One; two nights a week it's Variable Two and the other night I pray that Toddy will be coming home right after work so we can have a cocktail on the front porch and unwind.

I'm tired. I haven't gotten used to the lack of time I now experience. I slept 12 hours both Friday and Saturday night. This feels absolutely great considering that the reality is I only get between five and six hours of sleep a night during the week. Once I nap on the couch I can't fall right to sleep when I go to bed - try as I might. I also have to contend with feeling like the day is half over when I wake up.

I turned off my cell phone for the first time in ages because I wasn't willing to forfeit any of my precious time yammering on it.

To top it all off, Aries was sick on Friday which caused me to miss a day of work. I took her to her Dad's this weekend only to receive a call this morning with her in tears due to a misunderstanding between her and her Dad and the fact that she was sick again. I left early to go get her. She slept all the way home (an hour) and feel asleep on the couch promptly after she ate a little dinner. We'll have to see what tomorrow brings. Right now it's a crap shoot.

I do have a list of things I want to blog about. The systems at work are very locked down which makes it difficult to post. Hot Toddy had a great suggestion though. If I write my entry and email it to him he will post it for me. A viable option indeed.

Thing is, I have not been very successful at planning my time better. It's times like these I wish I were a Type A personality like Hot Momma... Now there's a woman who knows how to get things done. Sadly, however, I am not. Occasionally my friends will point out that I tend to be OCD. Unfortunately, however, it doesn't seem to be in the areas I most need it.

Gurustu sent me an email that speaks of a solution that I'm implementing that will help in making me successful. (Guru, I couldn't find the link on your site to post here.) He spoke of turning "maybe" into "may be." He wrote about making a list of all the things that are going on in our lives and all the things that we want to have in the future.

Then assessing the list you've created, eliminate the things that you are clinging to for all the wrong reasons. Also eliminate the things you truly have no intention of committing to. Giving each remaining items a score rating it for what value it brings and how easy it is to obtain. Then circle the top 20% of the list. That's what's most important; that's what's going to take up 80% of our time.

He indicates that's where we'll put most of our time, energy, resources and motivation, then those most-valuable-things are the ones that truly may become.

I agree wholeheartedly with Guru's thoughts on this. It would work even on the most fundamental level. Just creating the list alone would put into perspective what you're doing with your time. For me it comes back to the saying I used while working at Company X. If everything is a priority, then ultimately nothing is.

For now, I'll keep my list of things I'll be blogging about and do what I can to get out here and get them posted. I'm sure I'll find a blog-groove soon.

How funny...I just spell checked my post and blogging wasn't listed in dictionary but flogging is. And a smile creeps across my lips......

Midnight Thoughts

2006-04-22T00:30:00.000-07:00

While driving home tonight from Pony and Chopper's, I saw an American Flag waving high upon a flag pole illuminated by a white light. The wind blew the flag which caused it to wave gently and perfectly. It looked a peaceful sight and I felt proud. I feel that way every time I see a flag waving like that.

I cry every time I hear the Star Spangled Banner...especially at a sporting event. I still hold my hand over my heart when I hear it.

I love that my closest friends trust me with their most private secrets. I love being the person they trust. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I love that my relationship with Pony has evolved to the level it has. Toddy pointed out a few days ago that when they were dating, he never saw "this" (my relationship with Pony) coming. I agreed. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Pony holds my heart in his hand the way only a close friend can. I trust him implicitly.

I love that I am as spiritual as I am. I know there is more beyond this and that gives me peace.

I love that I live my life by a moral code and regardless of what that means to other people, I still live it because it's all I know. It's what makes me happy, content.

I miss my Mom and Dad.

I wish my brothers were still alive. I miss the way they laughed and the way they called me Merle.

When the people at my new job asked if I had considered moving near Company South, I immediately knew my answer. I wouldn't do that. I've lost members of my biological family and though my remaining family is not far away, my chosen family are equally as important and I don't want to forfeit being close to them.

I love feeling a breeze on my neck.

I had lunch with Oak Point Man today and he thought he had said or done something wrong, igniting a reader's comment calling me a hypocrite. I had to laugh when I thought about what he said. He could say anything to me and it wouldn't matter what anyone said because he and I will always be cool. I got to spend time with my good friend. It was calming.

I love the way Oak Point Man recalled Gurustu's comment back to the confused reader. Two of my friends were now connected and they didn't even know they were.

I was proud to be able to tell Oak Point Man about Gurustu and how he's helped me and that Gurustu is my friend...even though we've never met face-to-face.

I love that Hot Toddy turned me on to Pua's blog and that now she's my "Sister." I love that I worry about Pua and her family as though they were my own.

I miss my sister, Skinny Girl.

I wish I could lay beneath the stars with my daughter when it's warm and just talk.

When I look across a room at Hot Toddy and we smile at each other, I love how we know what the other one is thinking.

I wish I could express in words what my spirituality feels like to me. I wish everyone could feel it.

Being a Pagan feels so absolutely right for me sometimes it makes me cry. I've found my place in that regard. No one can ever take it away.

I love they way Aries says, "Good Morning, Momma" with her sleepy voice.

I spent time with My Boys tonight laughing. I watched each of them and their robust energy filled my heart. I studied their features and listened to them laughing. It made me want to curl up and sleep right there because I felt so safe.

I saw Pony and Chopper sitting side-by-side holding hands and I realized I wanted that as well. That comfortable, loving familiarity that comes with love.

I miss someone reaching out to hold my hand.

The thought of finding someone I can trust with my heart and with my daughter feels tiring, my standards are so high.

I'd like to find someone who can love and be honest without fear. That is so beautiful to me.

I know that person won't cross my path until I'm ready.

Until then, it's all good.

Tonight I am blessed with a peaceful heart.

A Glimpse at Oak Point Man

2006-04-18T22:33:00.000-07:00

Within the pages of my blog, I have mentioned various people over the past year and a half. They are people with whom I am close and like to give you a glimpse into who they are as well. They are truly people worth knowing (in most cases anyway!).

Sometimes the stories I tell take you on a walk. They create a vision in your head. In the absence of personal knowledge about those I speak of, your vision may have faces you've merely imagined we have.

My entries may be funny or sad, poignant or ridiculous but either way they are a look into my space in time at that moment.

It's true that in many cases a person's blog isn't who they truly are. I doubt there are many of us who'd truly want the details of our personal life splashed on the pages of the 'Net. Who'd read it? I've often been told I should write a book about my life. I've often thought of it. It would not, however, be for the copies I may or may not sell but more so for the ability to keep some kind of memoir.

Other times I think that my life may not be much different than anyone else's. Okay, that's not true. I've done some pretty freaky things in this lifetime that make for great story telling but those things may best be left untold - or told only to those who love me unconditionally.

My point to all of this is I was talking to a wonderful man last night. He's someone with whom I've spent a good deal of time. He told me last night that he enjoys reading my blog because (to paraphrase) he knows the real me and he finds it interesting to read what piece of my life I've chosen to share that day.

We continued the conversation for a short while and then he spoke of a book he was reading and a specific passage that reminded him of me. He searched for it while we were on the phone and read it to me. I was so moved by what I heard him read and subsequently by what he said with regard to how he feels it describes me that I want to share it with you.

This email was from my friend Oak Point Man. The book is People of the Raven.

He wrote:
~~~~~
Here is that passage I told you about on the phone... It is a conversation between a 'Holy Man' and an apprentice Holy Man.

...."True compassion does not make a man feel pride. Its core is humility and sacrifice. If you feel pride after an act of compassion, you've clearly only sacrificed enough to make yourself feel good".
"I like feeling good after I help someone."
"Feeling good is not the goal. The heart of compassion is sacrifice." He halts long enough to inhale a deep breath, then adds, "When a human being sacrifices so much for another's sake that he feels empty and bereft, he has, for one shining moment, been truly compassionate. All other acts of 'compassion' are simple selfishness.
I tell him, "If what you say is true, it's a miracle anyone is ever compassionate twice."
The Soul Keeper scoffs, "It's not supposed to be easy."

When I read this, I thought about the most compassionate person I know... you! I really enjoyed the message... I hope you do also.
~~~~~

Thank you, Oak Point Man, for thinking such a beautiful thing about me. I am just me and it pleases me that I have in some way touched your life the way I have.

Oak Point Man owns a nursery that specializes in plants native to the Northwest. It's an endeavor he would like to see self-sustaining giving him the ability to stop 'workin' for the man.' I know some of you don't live anywhere near here, but take a minute to look at his website. He is an amazing person that I think the world of and I'm blessed to have him in my life.

Aub Finds Job!!!!!

2006-04-17T14:55:00.000-07:00

Sounds like a headline, doesn't it?! It is just that in this household - worthy of headline news.

I started looking for work in mid to late-January. I had a couple of really great leads here in Portland and held off on putting my resume ~~into the Abyss~~ on the Internet with the hope that I would see those leads into gainful employment.

A couple of weeks ago while sipping a Margarita and reading the baseball stats one evening, I heard a commercial for one of the leading job search websites that claimed you'd land a job twice as fast if you posted on their site. In absolute exasperation from holding out on what I thought would be "the job," I posted it...there and several other places.

Within two hours I was receiving calls and emails like crazy. Within 24 hours, I had been contacted by a recruiter who had a contract job until July 2007 making six figures. The only drawback to the position was it's 50 miles south of Portland.

In less than a week, I had an interview at "Company South" and within one full week I had an offer.

I struggled initially with the offer. This would mean a minimum of two additional hours a day away from Aries and on the road. When I first heard about the position, I walked into the living room and talked to Aries.

AP: Oh my gosh, Aries, I just heard about this great job. The whole system would be my baby. A ground up position making really great money.

AA: Why don't you take it?

AP: There's only one problem, it's 50 miles south of here.

AA: [looks toward the ceiling and ponders her thoughts for a moment] Well, we could move. I would be willing to move and change schools if it meant you would be happy.

AP: [HUGANTIC, GINORMIC LUMP IN THROAT] Baby, you are the most wonderful daughter on the planet. I can't believe you'd do that.

AA: I just want you to be happy when you go to work every day. You were never happy at Company X and if this means you would be, I can always make new friends.

I thanked her, told her I loved her and reminded her that I own this house and can't just walk away from it but assured her I'd think about the position. Even now when I think about what must have gone through her mind and the sacrifices she was willing to make for me, it makes me tear up. I love her so much that I've exceeded the depths in which I thought I could love another human being.

After a looooong discussion with Pony and a subsequent conversation with Hot, I accepted the position. Though I didn't buy my Mustang for a commuter car, at least I'll be going in style. And if everything works out okay, I can lease something if it comes to that. My trainer at the gym laughed at me this morning and said at the end of my contract I should just buy another Mustang and quit worrying about it.

Not a bad idea except the level-headed part of me (which for a double-Pisces rarely exists) thinks about filling my 16 gallon tank twice a week (or more) at $3 a gallon (if it gets to that) cringes at the thought of the expense of going in style.

Who just said that? It sounded like me but seems really weird coming from my lips.

My greatest fear is leaving this life too early and leaving that beautiful daughter of mine alone to figure it all out on her own. The thought of her heart breaking if she lost me is more than I can bear. I just upped the odds by commuting.

So I had to quiet my brain down long enough to realize there is a reason this particular job opened up and the others didn't. I have to trust in that. I won't lie and say I'm not worried about something happening to me on the freeway but I have to have faith that everything will be okay.
If feels so great to have something lined up. I'm starting this Wednesday - I had hoped to be able to take a day and just read - guilt free, but that's not going to happen. Aries was sick with the flu Tuesday through Friday of last week and then I awoke Saturday morning with it and was sick all weekend. I haven't been sick like that in forever. Can't say I missed it.

So I have today and tomorrow to get my things in order. Once I'm out of Portland working, it limits what I can do until I find ways to adjust. I went from too much time on my hands to not having nearly enough.

Careful what'cha wish for, you just might get it.

Earthquake Awareness

2006-04-06T18:12:00.000-07:00

The new furnace was installed yesterday. In as much as I hated paying for it because my money tree is stripped bare, it was wonderful to feel heat in my house again.

I promptly called Hot Toddy at work and left a message...

"Go 'head, ask me. Ask me. Ask me how it feels to be warm again. It's so nice to have heat in the house and be warm again. I'm not cold. No sir-ry. Not cold at all. Not me. Okay, that's all I have to say." [click]

Once the furnace guys were out of the house, I was able to get my day back on track which required one more call to The Toaster Oven.

HT: HELLO....

AP: [laughing] Hello? Since when do you answer the phone at work like that?!

HT: Since I'm under my desk. We're having a mock earthquake drill and Juju and I both dropped underneath our desks like we were supposed to. My phone rang so I answered it. You just happened to catch me in the middle of an earthquake, that's all.

AP: What good employees you two are.

HT: I know. When they walked through our area and said "earthquake drill" everybody else just stood around talking about it but Juju and I knew what to do. Although...just in case I got bored under here, I did grab my World of Warcraft book to read while I'm under my desk.

AP: [laughing]

HT: Hey, Juju.

Juju: Yeah?

HT: Are you still under your desk.

Juju: No. [she said something else I couldn't make out].

HT: No, I think I'll just stay down here. There might be aftershocks!

The childlike innocence, excitement and silliness in his voice were priceless. He sees humor in situations and capitalizes on it so quickly that I often wonder where the ideas come from. It's comedic genius. I could totally see him writing another play about office life and writing that into the script.

I was just calling to let him know I was behind on getting the laundry done and was going to be needing the washer and dryer after he got home. I usually try not to invade his personal space with such chores when he's home since it requires I be downstairs.

What I got was an exchange that totally made me laugh which is something I've not had enough of lately.

I posted my resume ~~into The Abyss~~ on the Internet and within just a few hours I was receiving calls like crazy. A company in Boise called looking for an AIX Engineer and was willing to line up strippers for private dances just to get me to relocate.

Another firm was willing to give me time to blow the dust off my Unix skills, train me on their product and pay me $100k... to travel the country to different offices 85% of the time. "But we'll make sure you're home 'most' weekends." I'm sorry, bite my what?

There have been some really great opportunities that are very real that I am scheduling interviews for. I want so badly for something to cross my path that really gets me charged up. Goddess, how I miss the old me.

I realized today that whereas yesterday I felt depleted and out of options, I realized today that patience is the ultimate option. It's similar to the saying that change is the only constant. For me, if I can incorporate into my thought process that patience is the ultimate option, I think I'll be a lot better off.

I know not every situation is going to be conducive to taking the patient approach. Some situations require an immediate response. But for me, if I can build in a pause and realize that not everything needs an answer right now I will find some of the faith it feels like I've lost.

Sometimes I forget that things happen for a reason. I've had a tough time of it lately and though I don't currently know why these things are going on in my life, I'll find some patience and know that one day it will become clear why I had to endure so many bumps along the way.

If there's one thing I do know, it's that I'm a strong woman and I will be standing tall on the other side of this.

When it rains...

2006-04-04T15:29:00.000-07:00

How is it possible the sun is shining so beautifully today yet when it rains it pours?

I took Aries to opening day of Mariner season. More on that tomorrow. For right now I just need to vent.

When we arrived home last night from the game, Hot Toddy pointed out that the furnace wasn't working. I checked it but there was nothing I could do.

It isn't necessarily cold here at night right now. Not by ordinary standards I guess. I, on the other hand, am usually cold. Though it was 60 degrees when I awoke this morning, I couldn't shake the chill in the air.

I called the furnace guy to come over and take a look at it. It's a guy I trust. He owns the heating and a/c company. He poked around and finally broke the news to me.

It's time for a new furnace.

He said he my current furnace was installed in 1987 (which seems not that long ago), however, when he said it was almost 20 years old I realized avoiding a new furnace may not be possible.

He did say he could find parts for the blower, ignition thingy for the pilot light and the motor but that it would cost quite a bit to fix since the parts are no longer manufactured. He also said he couldn't guarantee it wouldn't still crap out on me.

He looked at the house, compared my 70% efficient furnace to the new 92% efficient (I can't afford the 99% efficient one right now) and we worked up some numbers.

Sweet Hot Toddy called me after I left him a tear soaked message on his voicemail. He pointed out that it's Spring and that he's okay warmth-wise. That maybe we could just leave the furnace off and not worry about it until I get back to work. Bless his heart.

And maybe if I didn't have a daughter, I might contemplate doing that. Maybe. Aries awoke this morning to a cold house and couldn't shake the chill. And who am I kidding, I don't like to be cold.

In as much as I would love to have lived in the 1800's riding horses and carrying pistols strapped to my leather pants..where was I? Oh yeah, I was going to say that I don't know how I'd have stood it with no damn furnace in the house. But it just occurred to me that back then I'd have just built a fire.

There's 5 minutes of your life you're never getting back.

Anyhoo, I'm broke, my job search is never ending - it seems no one ever calls you back, I'm supporting my kid on a wing and a prayer and now I have to pay $2500 for a new furnace.

Needless to say when the furnace guy left, I broke down and cried. Not silent trickling tears down a sad face, but full-on, head hanging low, hand on my forehead, sound coming out of my mouth, crying. I walked directly into my bedroom next to my bed, fell to my knees and begged for help. I don't know what to do anymore.

I've, once again, thrown it all up to the Gods and Goddesses. They can handle it.

I've tried to remain strong through all I've gone through lately. There's a chunk of my stress I don't write about here for legal reasons. But I've tried to not string things together. I've seen them as individual events that happen to be taking place relatively close together.

But after today, I actually asked why me. What is it I've done to piss someone off to "deserve" this. Now granted that's a victim's attitude. But I have to wonder wtf is up with my life lately.

I know things will work out. They always do...But it's amazing what you can get used to, isn't it?

Okay, I need to post this and log off. My frickin' laptop is making a helluva noise and the last thing I need in the middle of a job search is my computer crapping out on me. More tomorrow (hopefully).

I am NOT old

2006-03-28T11:44:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend, I brought in the mail and sat it on my desk. Upon checking it on Sunday, I realized that I had received a communication from the Oregon Osteoporosis Center. They were inviting me to participate in a research study.

How very nice of them.

How very special that they'd think of me.

Motherfuckers.

It clearly states on the gd letter that to qualify you must be 45-60 years old. 45-60, people. Learn simple math, you morons.

I know perhaps I seem overly sensitive to the invitation to participate in the holy-shit-you're-getting-old survey. I mean, who wouldn't be thrilled to have some density testing done to find out if they have thinning bones - thinning bones that could result in fractures of the hip.

I mean for cryin' out loud, jerkwads...

I just had my 43rd (forty-third) birthday.

I go to the gym five or six days a week.

I start my workouts with squats and lunges.

I work with a trainer who gets paid to inflict pain upon my person.

I do 30-45 minutes on the elliptical.

I sweat more than a whore in church.

People are constantly asking me how it is I'm still single.

I am a desirable, warm person with depth who's in the prime of her life.

Now granted I only recently started working out, but if it's a yes or no question, then, yes, I'm kickin' ass.

So, Oregon Osteoporosis Center, thank you for the offer for the calcium supplements and for the kind and generous invitation to step across the threshold into my twilight years, but I think I'll pass.

Hail, hail, the gang's all here

2006-03-27T14:26:00.000-08:00

While hanging with the Chosen Fam recently at C.C.'s, we were all engulfed in various conversations. I had been watching the boy porn trying to get a closer look at the tattoos on this particular porn. No, really, I was looking at his ink - okay, not just his ink, but...

I inquired about it. The Professor said that it was Dred Scott (sorry I couldn't find a better photo).

AP: I wish they'd do a close up shot of his tattoos.

HT: Doesn't his tattoo look like a corset or something a can-can girl would wear?

AP: No.

HT: Oh my God. I just sounded so gay a purse just fell out of my mouth. I might as well put on a beehive wig and start lip-syncing to Bette Midler right now.

I couldn't grab the trick pad quickly enough to make notes.

Later on, Zereos, the clever bartender, noticed the bowl of popcorn before us was empty.

Z: Hey, you guys are out of popcorn. Can I get you some more? You know, popcorn is like heroin. It's made out babies [as Zereos taps the vein in his arm like an addict and walks away].

Again, I race for the trick sheet to make my notes.

It's common knowledge how much I love Hot Toddy. When he and I get to spend time together, it makes me happy. He is always so witty it amazes me how his brain works. This particular evening was no different.

Hot Toddy had gone outside to plug the electronic meter which spits out a stickered receipt to post inside your car window on the curb side. Rather than put it in Sven, he walked back into the bar and sat down beside me casually sitting the sticker in front of himself.

HT: Good, I have my sticker.

AP: Why didn't you put it in your truck?!?!

HT: Oooooh. You have to put it in your window.

As he walked out the door, I was about to pee my pants from laughing so hard. His intentional blonde moments crack me up.

Then there was the boxing conversation.

TP: This is why gay men are bad at boxing...they think this is a fist [making a motion with his hand similar to when you would mock someone talking too much - thumb placed beneath all four fingers].

HT: It isn't fisting. It should be called "lobster clawing."

It was then The Math Whiz piped up.

TMW: Oh, it was so good...I got lobster clawed last week.

Again, to my blog notes I went while practically blowing Margarita all over the place.

Upon completing my notes, I looked over to find Hot Toddy digging diligently in the bottom of the pretzel bowl.

HT: Sorry, I'm just trying to get to the salt.

Pony: Hey, I'm the Pony. I get the salt lick.

HT: I crave salt waaaaaaaaaaay more than I crave pussy.

We all lost it. I've never known anyone who cringes more than Hot Toddy when it comes to talking about girl parts.

There were a couple of guys leaving the bar, one of them looked like Osama.

AP: Hey, look, it's Osama Bin Laden.

MzKarma: Bush hasn't been looking in gays bars for him!

That's probably where that bastard is hiding. He's probably tucked away in some gay bar or porn shop incapable of stepping away from the Glory Hole.

I spent a little time visiting with The Handsome Prince. Even he had his clever cap on that evening.

AP: [motioning toward the boy porn] Look, that bottom must like that action in his ass - his penis is hard.

THP: Yeah, it's called Viagra. It must be like beer nuts on a porn shoot - there are just huge bowls of Viagra sitting all over the place.

Though we do at some point in the week get together at C.C.'s, it's rare that the whole gang is there together. Since the gatherings at The Vortex have ceased since Hot now lives with me, we don't seem to gather like that as frequently. It's good to know when we do, it's like we've never been apart.

Buzzed Blog

2006-03-21T19:47:00.000-08:00

Okay, so first of all, I spoke to a woman who works at a company that I want to work for so badly it hurts (and not the good way), and she was bitchy.

Then I spoke to a recruiter who thought I was the shit, which was good.

Then I put on makeup (a nice welcome to the non-makeup-laid-off-existance I usually have going) and met Pony (and Toddy) at C.C.'s. I've missed Pony the last week. I'm very connected to him and it was great to see him.

Then Young Stud called and interrupted a conversation Zereos and Pony and I were having about Young Stud's staying power. At which point I invited Young Stud over for some friends-with-benefits time this weekend.

When I left the bar, I picked up Ren but not before I got lost in the web of streets behind her house. When I saw her it was, I'm sure, because I had, again, Kanye West jammin' on my stereo while thumpin through the 'hood. Okay, not the 'hood but the trendy neighborhood in which Ren lives.

Then we picked up Aries and grabbed some Mex, which I'm a sucker for - Sans Margaritas during dinner (I'd had enough during non-happy hour).

While on our way home, we were jammin to some Stevie Wonder (full-tilt-boogy) when the light turned green. In the right lane was a full-size white Chevy truck (bowtie and not named Sven, I'm sure) who decided to drag race me on the green light. Out of total commitment to my 'Stang and her ability to roast 'em at the drop of a hat, I accepted the challenge and totally beat that Chevy.

Since he has more horsepower, I'm sure he was just messin with me, but I got a charge out of it. He gave me a total run for my money and I thought he had me but I won - that is, if it's a yes or no question!

Anyway, I was stoked. I had Ren give 'em 'the wave' to thank them for the excitement and proceeded home. It was then that Aries wanted to get out of the car and get her groove on. To accommodate her desire, I cranked the stereo while she shook her booty like a frickin' stripper.

With my jaw hanging on the floor, Hot Toddy came outside and said my stereo was so loud he thought it was the motor to my car (which made me, well, hard to say the least). Aries walked up to Toddy and said "put em up" (meaning put up your dukes) to which Hot responded by putting his hand way up high in the air and said, "praise Jesus" (in a house full of Pagans...).

Hot Toddy asked about names. He asked if we knew what Haley (her middle name) stood for. Of course I knew but Aries responded with "hero" to which Hot rolled his eyes. "Of course she knows that." Hot Toddy shared that he was named after one of Liz Taylor's husbands. It was then that Aries said "at least I wasn't named 'Jack Daniels' like my cousin."

I quickly reminded her that Jack was her second cousin by marriage (with the hope that it somehow would distance her from the white trash connotation of the name). Aries responded with, "I have a second cousin?" I told her that being from a big family she had third and fourth cousins as well.

It was then that Hot looked at her and said, "That's 'cause you're inbred, Sweetie" and was so matter of fact about it. Ren and I stood there and laughed...I couldn't say through all the laughter.

The niight only progressed from there. As the four of us watched American Idol, Hot Toddy's diatribe was not only hysterical, he was relentless. By the time it was over, I aached from laughing so hard.

Ahh, just another day in paradise.

Beach Boys (not THOSE boys, My Boys)

2006-03-20T10:25:00.000-08:00

Pony and Chopper by the fire.

JR and Vidal (two little love birds sitting in a tree...)

Chopper, Pony, Vidal, and JR.
I don't know why I love this shot, I just do.
It's one of those 'moment-in-time' shots.

Hot Toddy steps away from World of Warcraft.

Yours truly. 43 and glad to be me.

Young Stud. That shirt doesn't lie (you have no idea).

Seething Cakes of Hatred in the making.
Pony's does what he does best. Workin' the meat.

Hot and Aub.

Ren in Depoe Bay.

When a group of people gather to spend a weekend together, there's always potential for chaos. But the weekend we spent at the Coast was the exact opposite of chaos. Well, other than locating the house.

When the rental agency mentioned on the phone "there's a mailbox and a telephone pole at the end of the driveway," I dismissed it. Don't most driveways have a mailbox? Pony and Chopper weren't far behind me on the drive out. They actually made an attempt to find the house while I was picking up the keys.

Trying to find the house turned out to be a comedy of errors. "Drive down 101 past the six white rocks. Go around the bend a ways and you'll see a driveway with a mailbox and a telephone pole at the end of it. There'll be a sign (which was not visible from the road, by the way) and the gate is right there."

Lucky for me I drive a stick shift which keeps my hands busy and I didn't have any sharp objects in the car with me. I was ready to slit my own damn wrists after that search. Had it not been for Pony and Chopper, I'd either still be driving around cursing like a sailor or slumped over my steering wheel.

It was, however, worth the time it took to find it. This was a great house for entertaining. I twisted a Margarita (big shocker, I know) to bring my agitation down a few notches and we waited for the guys to arrive.

Pony built great fires in the fireplace all weekend and it amazed me how much we were all in the same groove.

Someone said something early on about forgetting or bringing their sex toys. It occurred to me that I had forgotten mine as well. Voicing my forgetfulness, Pony pointed out that he could have Chopper carve me a dildo out of driftwood while we were there. I opted to pass on that. Pony did, however, find me a piece of drift wood in the shape of a penis. It's sitting here on my desk as I write. Can you just feel the love? My Boys always have my back.

Speaking of action, Young Stud made it sometime after dark. Spending time with him is like a gift every time I do it. He calms me. He keeps things very real for me. He calls me on my bullshit.

Over the course of the last year, I have participated in several conversations about the bi versus lesbian topic. I identify as a lesbian and in as much as I played for both teams for 20 years, I like women. Beautiful, soft, creatures with breasts...where was I? Oh yeah. Later in the evening the topic of my being bi came up. I promptly corrected the erroneous statement by declaring, once again, that I'm a lesbian.

Vidal promptly spoke up and said, "Since I've known you, Auburn Pisces, I've never seen you with a woman. I've only known you with men." I quickly looked up to rebut the statement but when my mouth closed and my brain had a moment to process, what Vidal said was true (We've only been friends a few months). Still, I pushed the issue and jumped on the "yeah, but..." soap box.

Then I heard Young Stud chime in, "Yeah, do you really want to go there?! Especially with with me in the room!!" I shut my pie hole and I'm sure turned eight shades of red. It's not my fault I'm built this way. I didn't ask for it (nor would I change it).

As I'm sure you've all read the hysterical account of the Seething Cakes of Hatred, I just have a couple of things I'd like to add. Watching Hot Toddy cook for eight people was, by far, the most laughable thing I've ever seen [insert image of Todd standing in total exasperation, tapping his foot and waving around a spatula].

There were a couple of people at the table who didn't want pancakes, but since Toddy went to all the trouble, I think everyone ate one. Personally, I think we were all scared Toddy might whack us with a spatula if we didn't eat 'em. And that frickin' bourbon syrup shit. Oh my hell. Gag. Gross. I've swallowed a thing or two in my day (segue Vidal's point) but I'll never again swallow that crap.

But I have to tell you, when Toddy stood near the table reading the ingredients of the Krusteaz Pancake Mix was when I lost it.

HT: It says on here there's eggs in this mix. How the hell would they put eggs in a dry mix?

All the table at once: Dried eggs. Haven't you ever heard of dried eggs?

HT: Dried eggs. How does that work? They just don't give the chicken water or something?

How can I not love this guy as much as I do? He is one of the funniest, most clever people I know.

Then there was the conversation Ren was having about the location she and I were going to lunch on Sunday.

R: It's this great restaurant in Depoe Bay. It's called Tidal Raves.

HT: Title Raves? What is it a bookstore or something?

R: No, TiDal Raves.

HT: Title Raves.

AP and R: TIDAL RAVES. Like in the ocean. Tidal...waves...[insert image of me providing visual aids by making waves with my hand].

HT: Oooooooh TIE-DAHL-RAVES

We all started laughing at which point I quickly grabbed my blog notes I kept from the weekend and started writing.

HT: Gawd, don't write that down. I have to look smart on the internet.

Hot Toddy, anyone who's read the Toaster Oven knows your smart. But in my world, if you can make me laugh, you'll have me for life. Laughter wins every time.

I also had the distinct pleasure of waking Chopper up on Sunday morning. Chopper was dragging and Pony wanted him up and gave me permission to roust his man. I entered their bedroom to find Chopper laying on his back with his hands interlocked behind his head (he was under the covers waist down, btw). I jumped onto the bed and straddled him (segue Vidals point) and started moving around on him.

He laid there with a big smile on his face, his big biceps, strong arms and tattoos looking so, so good (hush up, Vidal. You, too, Young Stud). I wish more than anything I had a picture of THAT to post here. Good Lord. Pony, you're a lucky man.

We all gathered and had bagels for breakfast on Sunday. I was pulled deep within the pages of Angels and Demons. There was music playing on the stereo. I believe it was something Hot Toddy put in. It was something SO gay, it made my ears bleed. We listened to it for a while but the ~~gayness~~ intensity of it was too much.

JR: Sombody change this quick. I've never wanted to shoot myself more in my life.

Ren: Get me a butter knife.

Pony: [approaches with the fireplace poker and presents it Ren] It's just as dull.

I love My Boys, but I gotta tell you...there's only so many show tunes and gay man music I can listen to. Considering I blasted Kanye West's Gold Digger on the way to the coast, I thought my head was about to explode, when JR spoke up again (bless his heart).

JR: This is gay music hell!!! Pretty soon we'll be so gay we'll wrap all the way around and be straight again.

I laughed so hard I about peed my pants.

My cell signal was poor while at the coast. At one point it was clear enough for me to get to a voice mail that had been left by MzOuizer. This wonderful blog friend left me a message of song. One that she wrote just for my birthday. I was moved and teary-eyed at the sentiment and laughing while I listened to it. No one has ever done that for me before. Not only did I share it with everyone that night, I have it saved on my cell phone and if I can figure out a way to audio blog it somehow, I will post it.

Thank you, MzO, for making my birthday that much more special.

It was the most relaxing, fun weekend at the Coast I think I've ever had. I love going there alone, but would go again with my chosen family in a hot second. We watched it snow; awoke to an iced over deck; watched two Bald Eagles flying around Proposal Rock; saw storms roll in over the ocean; enjoyed lots of sunshine; did some gambling at the Casino; laughed, drank, ate great food and loved (at least I did several times ;)...

It was absolutely phenomenal. Thinking about reserving it for a week in the summer. You in?

It takes more than strong fingers

2006-03-17T11:51:00.000-08:00

The birthday post will be next but...

I joined a health club this week. It's a third generation locally owned club that allowed me to sign up Auburn Aries as well.

The woman who signed me up spoke about it being a family club at which point I interjected with my "yeah, family club...riiiiight. It's on the news constantly about adolescent obesity yet clubs won't let children join..."

When she said they would, it stopped me dead in my tracks. My eyes welled up with tears. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. There's hope for my little one. If I can get her in good workout habits now, she'll have them for a lifetime.

Since Aries is a little under the age they normally accept kids (which is 10) she had to get special permission from the owner. When they agreed, I cried. When I told Aries, she smiled so hard and for so long she said she couldn't get the smile off her face.

Aries met with her trainer yesterday and since she stayed home today with a sore throat, she accompanied me to meet with my personal trainer. After an amazing, kick-my-ass kind of workout, we did some cardio and a few laps in the pool. Yes, the mermaid is still lurking inside of her. She did fantastic and it was great for her confidence.

By the time we left, I was fatigued (in a good way). I worked muscles that have been on sabbatical. Aries said every time we leave the gym, she can't wait until the next time we go back. She said it's a lot of work but she "won't ever have to be this size again" and the work is worth it.

I've had a monthly visitor the past three days and though she's making an exit, I needed to tend to her when I got home. You know you've had an intense workout when you go to put a tampon in and you haven't the strength in your arm to plunge the inner tube up into the insertion tube. Oh my hell. I got that bastard half way in and absolutely could not push any farther.

Stunned, I grabbed it with my left hand - to no avail. Completely exasperated I dropped both hands by my side, slumped my shoulders, looked down and said, "YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME." While laughing my ass off alone in the bathroom and with a two handed effort, I was finally successful.

I don't recall seeing a disclaimer about loss of use of certain parts of your body once you work out. Just goes to show how long it's been since I've been to a gym. Oh well, those days are gone. So, if say, Hot Toddy or Pony were to call and ask me to meet them at C.C.'s I'd have to tell them that a.) I have to go to the gym first because it's more important and b.) that someone would have to move my drink closer in front of me so the straw in my Margarita reaches my mouth. It'll be the true test of friendship. They could very well be mean to me and watch me struggle, but I doubt it.

Birthday Beach Bash

2006-03-09T09:41:00.000-08:00

I am very excited today. I have something very cool to look forward to. A birthday beach bash with my some of my fam. Tomorrow Pony and Chopper, Hot Toddy, JR and Vidal, Young Stud, Ren and I are heading to the coast to celebrate my birthday. Okay, perhaps not so much celebrating my birthday but that's what initially brought us together.

The house we will be staying in is a $1m home right on the beach. May the Patron, Whiskey and Beer flow freely. Bring it on!

I'm dropping Aries off with my niece, The Model, tomorrow morning. The two of them have a day of festivities planned. Aries is so excited to hang out with her cousin that it's all she's talked about. She actually gets so excited she starts to cry when she mentions it.

All of this on the heels of a pretty nice birthday itself. I received gifts this year that were truly from the heart of those closest to me. You all know what Ren gave me. Hot Toddy gave me the funnest prize ever. A one-year subscription to my favorite smut rag in the whole world...People Magazine. That's right, I read that piece of trash...what are you gonna do about it? Huh?!

Anyhoo. Pony gave me a beautiful painting that is exquisite and took my breath away when I opened it. He also gave me a candle cover that illuminates the walls and ceiling with a sun design. I'm constantly burning candles so it was perfect.

The Professor and The Mathmetician gave me a copy of The Da Vinci Code and scribed some beautiful sentiments inside the cover. I was moved. Especially when I flipped through the book to find a gift certificate to one of my favorite leather shops in town...and no, I'm not talking about a store where you can buy a leather coat.

My Sister, Skinny Girl, bought me the Bo Bice CD. Aries bought me a candle that smells just like cherry chip cake with vanilla icing. Speaking of which, Hot Toddy (and Aries) made me a cherry chip cake for my birthday - it was a little lopsided and had globs of icing...just like my Mom used too make.

Hot, Pony, The Professor and Aries all took me to dinner at Kennedy School. We had a relaxing evening with Patron Margaritas made with fresh limes, tasty beer and "awesome rootbeer." It was an engaging evening until the boys spotted a built guy with huge biceps in a tight t-shirt and the evening turned into a lot of rubber-necking and trips to the bathroom and to the bar where you can smoke. You know...a typical evening with My Boys. I wouldn't have it any other way.

With all that's gone on with me lately, it was hard to feel excited about turning 43. I love being over 40 so it's not that. I'm just outta my groove lately.

But today, none of that crap matters. Today I'm going to crank the tunes, clean my house, pack for my weekend and enjoy where I'm at - which is blessed in my life regardless of the bumps along the way, loved by those I have in my life who mean so much to me and happy.

Just so you know, I may or may not be able to write about the events that take place at the Coast. It's a lot like Vegas there...What happens at the Coast, Stays at the Coast...or not. I guess we'll have to see.

A lesson for us all

2006-03-08T09:07:00.000-08:00

Build in a pause.

If you wish to be loved, admired and appreciated constantly, the best method is to become loving, admiring and appreciative, constantly.

Auburn Aries is back in school today. I'm grateful for it. It felt really good to get out of the house and into my Mustang this morning. It was nice to have my cup of Chai and watch the news after I took her to school with no one making demands of me. It's not that I mind the demands that come with having a child, but those demands are constant. There is no beginning and no end - it's just a continous loop of needing to be "on."

Though she was quite the trooper the last couple of days, spending four solid days together is not something I am accustomed to, especially with her sick. Though my ex-husband and I liked our dual income, he was open to my staying home with her after she was born. I made it less than two months and I went back to work. I need intelligent conversation (which you may or may not get at the office!) and adult conversation (ditto last comment in parenthesis). For me, being a working Mom kept my life in balance.

I've noticed lately that Aries is absolutely becoming a mini-me. There are those of you that would say being like me isn't a bad deal. To those of you who think that, thank you. To those of you who know my mouth and my lack of patience, you know being just like me may not be the best thing.

I use certain tones when I'm exasperated. I curse at other drivers (worse now that I have horsepower at my fingertips). I get aggrevated when I have to tell Aries to do something more than twice. My sisters and I love to people watch (which usually includes a commentary which we don't do to be mean spirited, but we do it nonetheless). You get my point.

I've noticed a lot lately that Aries has taken to mocking every one of those examples above. She has no sense of deductive reasoning when it comes to an appropriate time to express herself that way or how to tone it down.

The hard part is that as a parent you absolutely do not have the option of "do as I say, not as I do" because children live by example. It's true there is time when you will say "because I'm an adult and you aren't" and as a child she has no other option but to accept that.

But I've noticed lately (as I've not been my best self) that it doesn't take any time at all and she's in the same place I am. I found myself in the mode of reprimanding her every time she copped an attitude or spoke to me with a shitty tone in her voice or acted like I've wronged her in some way. Trust me, for a few days it seemed dialing her in was all I did.

Then it hit me like Portland storm. I was going about this the wrong way. The next time I asked her to do something and she retorted with that snippy little attitude of hers, I built in a pause instead of immediately reacting and would then say, "Aries, when I just asked you [that], I did so with a kind voice and kind words. I would appreciate it if you would do the same." There was the occassional recommendation that she think before she speak and think about how what she's going to say will sound.

I try to be a realist. I know that a person cannot always be loving, admiring and appreciative all the time. We all have our bad days. But loving someone doesn't give you a get-out-of-jail-free card when it comes to your behavior. If I want Aries to become a loving, admiring and appreciative person then I'd best be behaving that way myself.

There's an old saying, "A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in or the kind of car I drove...But the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child."

Living by those words apply to me because I have a child. I have a very important job. But if each and every one of us were a bit more loving, admiring and appreciative, think about what a better place the world would be.

Sick Kid, Part Two

2006-03-07T11:47:00.000-08:00

Day two and the fever lives on. It got up pretty high yesterday. I'd fight to get it down alternating Tylenol and Advil every three hours but the minute the medicine would wear off up the fever would go.

It's so hard to see my baby girl sick.

She laid on the couch, her entire body shivering - she was under three blankets. No wonder I couldn't get her fever down. She was so extremely warm to the touch. When you have kids, you want so badly for them to be healthy, happy, balanced people. You do everything you can to create that world for them and then something like a fever sneaks in and you realize all you can do is try all the tricks in the Parents Handbook you get when you decide to have children...oh, wait, there ISN'T ONE.

When I was sick as a child, my Dad would go to the 7/11 and get me Big Sticks and 7-Up. he told me that those two things could cure any illness you have (that, or a shot of Kentucky Bourbon and I only have Patron Silver). So yesterday I ran the grocery store and bought soup, Big Sticks, and 7-Up.

Though she's still fighting a fever today it is lower than it was yesterday. Is it possible my Dad was right?

Sick Kid

2006-03-06T14:31:00.000-08:00

I'm in lock down today with a sick Auburn Aries. She awoke today with a 102 degree fever which drops and then spikes again over and over. I will post tomorrow, given she's in school and I have the peace and quiet.

Never a dull moment when you're Auburn Pisces.

How do you handle yourself?

2006-02-28T11:15:00.000-08:00

The most important thing you have after a crisis, is your behavior during it.

This is a saying I heard several years ago that's stuck with me. The statement itself requires no explanation. It's strongly and simply stated and makes you look inside yourself. It's a saying that immediately makes you feel accountable, putting everything into perspective. Crises, regardless of the degree, will always happen. The difference in your recollection of it will likely be determined by how you carried yourself thoughout it.

It's true most people are not their best during a crisis. It's easy to get twisted up in the game and react to everything with a knee jerk response. Feeling overwhelmed by an event that feels so big can make you feel small and vulnerable. At times it can throw you into the "why me" tailspin or how about the ol' "the whole world is out to get me" mentality. Not to mention the immediate sense of urgency that accompanies a crisis.

From the first time I heard this saying, I realized it would hold the key to how I carry myself from now on. That's not to say I don't lose it at times. I'm human and I do. But I've found that reeling myself in is much easier the second I hear those words in my mind.

When my brother, Jim, died last January I was devastated. He was the third brother who'd passed away and I was left feeling like I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry, forever. Jim and I were very close and had been from the time I was 19 years old.

With my family and I surrounding around his bed in ICU watching him slip away, my heart felt heavy with pain and heartache. Not at his moving on because I stand firm in my beliefs on what's next. It was more about never being able to see him again or hear his laugh or hear him tell me how special he thought I was. Admittedly selfish reasons.

Once he left us, my sis-in-law Michel turned to me and asked me to handle everything. She handed me several sheets of instructions the hospital had given her to aid in making arrangements. I heard her words and immediately felt angry at her. My brother just died. Leave me the fuck alone. And then I looked up into her eyes and the pain that she felt from losing her life partner was bigger than mine. I realized the man who protected her, who slept next to her each night, who made her laugh and held her hand and stroked her hair somehow seemed a heartache of bigger proportion.

Then I heard the words run through my mind. The most important thing you have after a crisis, is your behavior through it.

I reached up and took the papers from her and told her I would take care of everything. As I walked to the pay phone to make my first set of calls, I realized that though my heart was breaking and it was very real for me, I had things I was going to have to do and I was going to have to find balance in allowing myself to grieve while I managed these other tasks.

I look back on that period of time and am able to do so with a great deal of pride.

There have been times since I've been laid off that I've fallen into a hole. Though I have sought emotional support from friends, there are times I hear that saying in my head and it snaps me out of my slump.

When I land my next gig, I want to be able to look back knowing I stood strong through it and didn't let "it" win. Granted this crisis isn't like when my brother died, but that doesn't lessen the fact that, at times, it seems pretty damn big.

Humbled and Breathing

2006-02-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

On Saturday evening, Ren took me out to dinner for my birthday, which is March 5th. It was an absolutely delightful evening. Ren is what I refer to as one of my five star friends. She is a selfless human being who has endured tragedy in her life and still stands strong to talk about it. She, like many of us, has had her share of struggles, however, she never lets those struggles stand in the way of being there for a friend. Thus, the five star friend reference.

I have always been like Ren. I've always prided myself on being there for people when they need me and for always making time even when it's not the most convenient timing because to the friend who has come to you for help their crisis is the biggest in their world at that moment. I have always been generous with my friends.

It would seem that with so much going on in my life the last several months, I don't feel like I have much to give lately. The K9 thing was like a knife jabbed into my side. Losing my job in December and the subsequent legalities of that which I cannot discuss here are eating at me. The depression and current difficulties in which I find myself firmly planted are new territory for me. I've never not worked. Not to mention that weeding through the collective clutter in my house just seems like a drag right now.

My motivation seems to be suffering and I feel emotionally withdrawn. I find it easy to criticize that which I have not completed in a day rather than recognize that which I have.

I was worse off in this particular area prior to my conversation with Gurustu. Again, if you haven't checked his site, please do so. Even if you just check his daily thoughts, it will help you find peace and clarity in your own life. I would, however, recommend perusing his entire site. It has become my "bible" of sorts and I'm a better person for it.

Anyhoo, with my state of mind lately I've felt really guilty about being on the receiving end of Ren's kindness. Hers, and Pony's, in all honesty. It feels very one-sided and I've had a lot of guilt about how the tables have turned. It isn't I doing the carrying right now. On the contrary, it is I who is being carried by them both.

I've had to work hard to find a level of acceptance with support and generosity from others. I'm not one to ask for help. I'll bear the load silently until things work themselves out. I'm a very proud person. But pride equals ego which should have no place here. Not now.

After dinner Saturday night, Ren and I stopped to have a cocktail in the only lesbian bar in town. It was the same faces having the same conversations in the same smoke-filled venue as always. I hated it so we left and came to my house at which point Ren gave me my birthday presents. These were gifts that she put a lot of thought into. They were gifts that were "me."

She gave me a card that served as a huge reminder... That it is okay to let people do something nice for me because I deserve it.

Inside the card she wrote (sorry Ren, I HAVE to share this):

"Because. Because it's your birthday. Because I like to see you smile. Because that smile is better than sunshine. Because I care. Because you deserve it. Because you mean the world to me. Because you don't expect it. Because as long as I've known you, all I've seen you do is give until you have nothing left for yourself. Because I'm not afraid to let you take from me. Because I'm a freak. Because you should be spoiled now and then. Because I can. Because of that big, beautiful heart of yours. Because you are my friend. Because I love you. Because I know you will ask why."

Which I did.... Ren gave me the most beautiful handmade leather journal I've ever seen. The pages within are made from cotton. In the lower right hand corner she had the name "Starshine" (her nickname for me) stamped into the leather. I was blown away when I opened it. People buy gifts they think their friends will like. This gift felt like a part of my soul was living within its binding and I was blown away.

As I flipped through the journal itself, running my hands across the fibrous pages that will hold the literary parts of the whole, there was an envolope with my name on it. She had driven to Pacific City which is a couple of hours away and gone to the rental agency I use there, and purchased a gift certificate for a weekend at the coast. Attached to the envelope a note that read, "Because I know what being there means to you."

It was at this point the "why did you do this" began. She laughed and pointed to the card. Apparently I'm predictable. It was actually at this moment that I took a deep breath and simply said thank you. I knew at that moment, Ren had knocked down my walls - it truly was okay to receive during a time when I'd otherwise push back. I truly do deserve it once in a while and I am loved.

In all the mixed up craziness that is my life right now, I tend to lose sight of what's real because I get sucked into momentary things that define neither who I am nor my life. I can either sit here and analyze what's gone wrong in the past or I can start saying yes to the right things and rediscover my strength. I learned that from the Guru. He also reminded me that where ever I start is the beginning.

Today it feels like there's no better time than the present.

Cargasm

2006-02-22T14:14:00.000-08:00

I had drinks with Pony and Chopper Saturday night. I had the best time ever! I extended an invitation to my friend, Hot Toddy, but he declined because of where he was in the "no smoking" evolution. Toddy expressed some disappointment about not feeling strongly enough to join us. I wished he had but realized once I got there, it was best he hadn't.

You see, the three of us spent the largest part of our evening talking about my Mustang. My beautiful, sexy car. My car is the hottest gawd damn car on the planet. Dare I say...in the whole Universe.

We were discussing the specs on my car. Engine size on my V6 vs. the GT; 4.0 litre vs. the 4.6 litre on the GT, etc. We were discussing horse power differences when Pony started talking about how putting a bigger exhaust on the car would get me more power. Hmmm. Not only would it make it sound throatier but it would give it more power... [insert pop up idea bubbles surrounding my head, one after another].

Then Chopper (or maybe it was Pony, I don't know - I got so sucked into the excitement from the conversation that looking back on it it's all a blur) suggested putting new headers on the car. Like a whirlwind we were planning modifications. For a mere few thousand dollars (which I don't have right now), I could have a car that would equal the power of the GT. [imagine me shuttering from the excitement].

Then Pony said it. He looked at Chopper and said, "Then she could put a Super Charger on the car and...oh yeah.... That's what you'll need next, Aub. A super charger... Then you'd have some serious power."

"Wait" I replied, "Isn't a super charger going to require a new hood. It's that thing that sticks out of the hood. No, no way. I do NOT need a supercharger. I mean seriously...it already looks like a boy car. I slap a super charger on it and...no, no way."

Then Pony gave it to me. "Are you kidding me?! There's nothing hotter than an attractive woman driving a souped up car with a super charger. That would be totally hot." "Yeah," I replied, "just me and my dyke boots driving around in a throaty Mustang with a super charger stickin' outta the hood."

I told them how I wanted to take her to PIR (Portland International Raceway) and time her. I wanted to get my car on a track to really get a feel for her at high speeds and cornering, to really see what she's got. [insert shallow excited breathing and a slight arch of my back as I work through some...excited feelings].

Times like these are when I miss my brothers. We'd all stand around in the driveway hovering over my car (or whatever the flavor of the month was) with the hood up and talk motors and horsepower and performance. Those were some of my fondest memories.

With all the cold weather in the Northwest lately, I haven't been willing to wash my car. When it finally broke out of the teens, I tried to turn my water on and nothing came out of the hose - iced up inside. So yesterday I was going to have lunch with Young Stud (our weekly thing) and wanted the car to look nice. I only washed it for him - it had NOTHING to do with my OCD related to my car. Really.

I'm always excited when I wash my car. It's a thing of beauty and when I'm done with it, I'm always so proud of her. I started on the top of the car then did the windshield and the hood (sans Charger). When I started on the front left fender I got this sinking feeling of shit I have to wash this whole car. But as I ran my soapy, cotton mitt-covered hand across the flared fender that feeling quickly went away.

I've come to learn all of her curves; all of those little places that are easy to miss. I found myself talking to her as I cleaned her. I know it sounds absolutely pathetic, but damn... After I cleaned her, I dried her off with my chamois and then detailed the inside. All I could do was walk around the car with this ear-to-ear grin plastered across my face, looking at her and shaking my head.

My old neighbors P & H came over and were laughing at me. They said what a beautiful car it is and how all they ever see is the ass end driving away - and that I was going to scrub the finish off if I kept washing her so much.

Quite frankly, I don't know what I'm going to do when I go back to work and I can't spend two hours of my morning bonding with my steel horse. I suspect it'll be the saddest day ever. But for now, it's just me and her and ideas from Pony and Chopper that made my heart race. Ahhh, a girl can dream.

The X-ray Sign

2006-02-16T12:02:00.000-08:00

So while sitting in X-ray, this sign posted on the wall. Aries read the thing in its entirety. She did not do the Spanish language justice, trust me.

We looked everywhere for the English version so we could compare the two, but one did not exist.

I told Aries last night that I had posted about her knee and the crutches to which she replied, "Yeah, but you said you'd ask about the sign on your blog. Did you ask anyone what it said? I can't not know what it said..."

So I am about to rob blogdom of five minutes it's never going to get back. What the hell does this sign say? Aries and I laughed about how neither of us speak Spanish and should. She said that as much mexican food as we eat, we should know how to speak Spanish automatically. How I wish it were that easy!

The Crutches

2006-02-09T09:27:00.000-08:00

We picked up the crutches at Walgreen's immediately following our E Room visit last week. I adjusted them and attempted to explain to Aries how to use them. She watched impatiently yet looked excited when I handed them to her. As an adult, I had forgotten that things like crutches excite kids. The same way braces do. Go figure. She struggled with the crutches but did not give up.

The last time I was on crutches was when I studied dance. My girlfriend at the time, Jenny, and I were in a dance together. We traveled full-tilt boogy to the right, did this huge jump in the air and had to change directions while in the air. We both hit the dance floor like rocks. She broke her elbow and I sprained my knee. That, however, was so long ago I'm afraid I wasn't much help in the compassion department when it came to Aries. I was more frustrated at her lack of listening ears. I had to take a step back and let her figure it out on her own.

We went to the grocery store following the crutches lesson. Probably not the best idea but it had to be done. As Aries hobbled toward the entrance an employee of the store looked at her and laughed and pointed out that she could use one of those electric chair/cart things. Damn... you'd thought she was just offer cuts in line at Disneyland. The girl brought me a key and Aries took off like a shot. She wasn't even unplugged from the wall yet.

I didn't give the electric cart much thought until I remembered that Aries doesn't know how to drive. Nor is she that confident on her bike. Thus, steering was going to be much like the crutches escapade. I took off after her yelling her name and laughing.

When I caught up with her, she was laughing and steering like a crazy person. People coming toward her looked frightened - they weren't sure which direction to go to get around her. Upside was I didn't have to push a shopping cart because there's one built onto the front of the electric car. Downside is a 12 pack of Charmin will block her view creating poor driving conditions. However, those driving conditions are hilarious when you're on the "watching" end.

Aries would drive down the very center of each aisle making it impossible for people to get around her. She would turn her wheel and move forward in an attempt to back up and move out of the way or turn around except the concept of turning the wheel the opposite way was beyond her grasp.

I stood there trying to guide her through constant laughter.

AP: Aries, turn the handlebars the other way.

AA: What way?

AP: The opposite way.

AA: The opposite way of WHAT?!

AP: Right now you're turning to the right. When you back up, turn to the left and it will swing your fanny the other way so you'll have room to get turned around.

AA: Left of WHAT?! I DON'T GET IT!!!!!

AP: Oh dear gawd. Turn the handlebars counter clockwise to get out.

AA: I HATE THIS.

AP: [laughing hysterically] Holy shit, hang on. [I walk over and place my right hand on top of her right hand and make a four inch movement counter clockwise]. Now...go backwards.

It was a combination of wanting to throttle her, laughing until I cried and wanting to yell at her for not just doing what I asked.

We got to the self serve check out and I began whipping everything across the bar code reader when this extremely tall, large woman with a dog on a leash walked up to Aries and said she wanted to use the cart when she was done with it. Aries, promptly asked me for her crutches and started to get off the cart.

Having been taken advantage of quite a bit lately, I was in no mood to have some stranger bossin' my kid around. I quickly told Aries too sit her butt down, turned to the obviously healthy woman who has good working legs and told her she could have it when we were done with it. She was welcomed to wait. The woman disappeared to a bench in the pharmacy and sat down.

I didn't see her trying to roll some old fart for their cart.

I quickly reminded Aries of the fact that it's okay to take care of yourself and put yourself first.

When we concluded our shopping, I then told the woman we'd be back and went to the bank. I'm so bad. On our way back through the big woman jumped up and acted like she expected us to gather our things on some magic carpet while Aries crutched her little ass out to the car. I invited her to *walk* outside while I pulled the car around. Which she did.

Aries and I laughed all the way home about our adventure. She was only on the crutches for two days...thank Goddess. Though she didn't feel it was necessary, she's still braced up this week. I watched her last night and she was walking around the house without my hesitation. When we discussed the wearing of the brace for the next couple of days she replied, "Well, I guess that's the consequences for turning wrong and bonking into a chair and hurting your knee. Guess I'll live."

Indeed she will as long as I have anything to say about it.

An Aries knee-d

2006-02-08T16:02:00.000-08:00

I received a call from Aries' school this morning. She injured her knee while in her morning "daycare" before school started. I dropped everything (i.e., watching the news) and shot like a bullet up to her school - which was easy to do in my Mustang.

There, inside her daycare and still lying on the floor, lay my little one.

AP: I'm looking for a broken little girl I can take home.

AA: I'm down here, Mommy.

AP: That's too bad because I only want to take an uninjured girl home. Sorry!! [I turned to walk toward the door].

AA: Oh, very funny, Mahhhm.

Apparently she was walking across the room when someone behind her said something. She stopped and quickly turned, her foot stayed facing forward. She hyper-extended her knee, heard it pop and dropped to the floor.

By the time I had gotten to the school only 15 minutes after the fact, it was swollen about twice as big as normal. All the other kids headed to class and the only teacher present with her is seven and a half months pregnant and couldn't help her up.

There was my little girl crumpled on the floor, ice on her knee and covered with a blanket. The principal brought in a wheel chair and we got her into the car. I got her home and put my patience cap on while she hopped (VERY SLOWLY) toward the front door.

AA: One, two, three, HOP.

AP: this is going to be a long 20 feet to the front door

AA: One, two, three, HOP.

AP: OH MY HELL, BUCK UP LITTLE SOLDIER AND MOVE IT

AA: One, two, three, HOP.

AP: oh for cryin' out loud, stop being an impatient asshole, she's hurt

HT: Does she need help getting in the house? Is she hurt or something. [There before me stood my ray of light, my vision of hope, Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven].

I informed Hot that she "blew" her knee but I didn't know how bad it was. Bless his heart, he picked her up and carried her to the front door and then picked her up again and carried her up the stairs into the livingroom.

Blah Blah doctor booked solid and can't see her. Fast forward to the emergency room at Mt. Hood Medical. I run in and get a wheelchair for Aries. She maneuvers herself out of the car and into the chair and immediately realizes just how "zippy" wheelchairs are.

AA: These chairs are fun, I want one!!!

AP: Yeah, well you might want to talk to someone who doesn't have working legs. I think they might disagree with you on that point.

I went through all the usual b.s. of admitting her and she wheeled her little ass all over the waiting room. She finally stopped by a rather large woman in another wheel chair who had fallen asleep and was snoring so hard Aries started to laugh and couldn't stop.

Then she moved her chair to the other side of the waiting room and realized she had planted herself right next to a woman who had the flu and was vomiting in a barf bag. She couldn't wheel herself away from her quickly enough. I don't think Aries is a sympathy puker, but I didn't want to find out.

She ended up parked in front of the vending machine while we discussed our favorites in order of "can't live without."

AA: [out of nowhere] I was thinking. You know how when people are going too get married they get cold feet? How cold do their feet really get? I mean, what is it about being married that makes their feet cold? I don't get it.

AP: [laughing hysterically] You are the cutest kid, ever.

She was in good spirits considering she was in pain and couldn't walk. The docs and nurses all fell in love with her. The doc said the pop she heard was likely her knee cap. Said it's not uncommon for it to pop out and back into place and that it is very painful when it happens and will cause swelling. X-rays didn't show any damage that he could see. He's calling it a sprained knee and she's donning a knee brace for a week.

I stopped by the pharmacy and picked her up some crutches as she's supposed to be non-weight bearing for a couple of days. Segue to tomorrow's post, The Crutches.

Goddess give me strength.

Sun is out and so am I

2006-02-06T13:53:00.000-08:00

I sat down to post today and can't seem to concentrate long enough to do so. You see, the sun is out here in Portland. The weatherman whose vocabulary is limited to the words "rain" and "storm" for nine months a year here, was kind to me this morning and said what sounded like, "Hey, Aub, it's going to be sunny and in the upper 50's all week. So put your Seasonal Affective Disorder in a sack, Sister, and get your ass outside."

I may be paraphrasing just a bit, but I'm thinkin' that's pretty darn close to what he said. Anyhoo, who am I to argue with such brilliant advice?!

So far it's been a kick ass day. I slept well, got new lenses for my progessive lenses (stupid birthdays keep making my eyes worse), while I was waiting for my new lenses to be cut I had tea with my friend (my eye doctor), bought myself and Young Stud a copy of the book Hot Toddy recommended, had lunch with Young Stud who sees right into the soul of me and makes me smile. He and I participated in an orgasmic Creme Brule... and now I'm here blowing off my blog in exchange for sunshine.

I think I'll go get Auburn Aries early from school, return home and wash my car while she plays outside. It's just what I need. Yippee ki yo, mo fo!!! (Sorry, I'm feeling giddy).

When in doubt, I asked a Guru

2006-02-03T13:21:00.000-08:00

When I wrote my last post, I was experiencing a feeling of being lost even though I know who and where I am. I knew it was going to take someone whose path in life had more experience from which to draw than my own.

I have a blog friend, a person whom I've never met other than comments and emails, that I contacted for help. This man is someone that I have admired and respected from the moment I read his words. His insightfulness and clarity speaks to me daily. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't imagine what it will be like when I have what he has spiritually. His life, his path, his depth makes me want to be a better person and spiritually wiser.

Given a different set of circumstances one might say it was jealousy. However, jealousy is depicts such an ugly connotation and is typically indicative of someone having something you want that you may or may not ever have. In this particular instance, I have what he has it's just on a smaller scale. He is the Master and I the student.

The gentleman to which I am referring is Gurustu. I had never spoken to Guru before last night. In fact our communication had been limited to emails and very few at that, but I knew he could help me. I knew that conversing with him would get me back on track and it did.

Gurustu is not my personal therapist. I simply knew that because of his spiritual nature and his connectedness with the Universe that he would "get me." I walked away from our conversation feeling whole again. Not because someone else made me feel that way but because he reminded me of what's real.

With all the chaos that has been in my life the last couple of months, I had lost sight of... me. I don't know that I will ever be able to thank Gurustu for all he did for me last night. I felt peace last night for the first time in over a month. I slept well and awoke feeling glad to be me. I love who I am and I am blessed in so many ways.

I got a lot accomplished today. They may not have been items on my "laundry" list that was so important yesterday morning. In fact, none of them were items on the list that seemed important yesterday. Today I turned inward and thought about me and my truth and what I needed to do to put the balance back into my life and from there it was easy.

Gurustu's website is my homepage. It has been for quite a while now. I go there everyday if even if it's just for five minutes because every day I gain something from his insight and that which he shares. If you haven't ever looked at his website, do so. You won't regret it.

So, Gurustu, thank you for helping me find what had been missing. Success is truly in the journey and in living true to my path. I look forward to the next time we talk.

Where did I go?

2006-02-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

I find as I sit at the keyboard today that I am overwhelmed with a feeling of being lost. Not lost in a dismal sense. I feel lost in a weak sense. I do not feel the fire in my belly I normally feel. It seems I've spent so much time focusing on the needs of other people, regardless of whether or not they've asked for it or I have just been mentally consumed by it, I've lost my sense of self.

Where is the woman who loves to write? Where are the deep, meaningful words that normally flow so easily for me? About me. About my life. I feel small today.

I have so much to do each day I have to make a list of that which needs to be accomplished, yet my housework goes undone. Perhaps I should put it on the list! I hate my house messy and cluttered, however, for right now - I don't care to clean it.

I need to smudge my house. K9's gross-ass energy is still here. The negativity that comprises who he is as a human being still lingers. He left a brand new Zippo lighter on my dresser. One he said I could have. I'll be putting it in the trash today. I don't want anything of his anywhere in this house. He gave me two cards professing his gratitude and how much I mean to him..."I don't think I knew what a true friend was until I met you." I'll be burning them today.

I went to C.C.'s last night with The Professor and Hot Toddy. The owner was in and he and I touched base. He told me that K9 called him from Denver and said that his ex-girlfriend or his exes Mom (he couldn't remember which) was in a coma and that's why he had to leave for Denver.

I promptly told Mr. C.C. the truth. About everything. I did not want to be guilty by association with regard to anything K9 said. K9 is a big, fat liar. Period. That's why I'll be burning the cards. I have no reason to believe any of the words he's written.

I can't shake his ugliness. It's robbed me of my ability to regain myself and as long as I allow that to happen, he wins.

Since losing my job in December, I haven't had enough solitude to do my healing from that. Today I feel worthless and question why anyone would want to hire me. Again, I'm allowing the bullshit of my last employer to affect who and what I am. Again, too much power given to people who do not deserve it.

Fact of the matter is I'm a strong, beautiful woman with a lot of integrity. Any employer would be lucky to have me. What I feared would happen, did. When I lost my job K9 was staying here and I worried that the all-consuming nature of his pathetic life would suck the life out of mine. I have to stop this.

My home is my sanctuary. It's where I get grounded. It's where I find peace. All of the outside world and its influence only comes inside of my home if I allow it in. Which I generally try not to. The veil feels thin right now and stuff is getting in. Or is chaos living inside of my world and I can't get it out?

I can feel Marilyn inside here. I know I'm in here somewhere. But where has my energy and enthusiasm gone? Where is the woman who is strong enough to dismiss that which isn't conducive to my life, my path? I feel robbed of my momentum.

I'm tired of feeling this way. It's been going of for a few weeks now. I'm optimistic that writing about it will help but I don't know.

What I do know is this is not who I am. This is not who I want to be. I don't usually consider myself weak. This is not a feeling I like. I've never lost a job before. I didn't realize what it had the capability of doing to my psyche.

The good thing is I can feel the fight in me. That's what I meant when I said I can feel Marilyn inside of me. This outer shell has become someone I don't know but I do know that whoever this is that has temporarily become bigger than who I normally am, won't win. Wow, what a cumbersome sentence. It doesn't matter if you didn't get it. I did.

I want my old self back. Some how, some way, I'll find myself again. It's just wading through this mental bullshit that's weighing me down. I need to have a long conversation with someone more spiritual than myself to help me snap out of this.

Aries' Preliminary Birthday List

2006-01-30T08:09:00.000-08:00

Holy Guacamole.

Aries came in this morning while I was working on my computer (at 6:30 a.m.) and announced she had created her birthday list. Her birthday isn't until April 10th but given the following list, it appears I'll need time to save up some cash:

(Please note I have typed the list exactly as I received it)

Cingular Picher Phone
A puppy
D.S. Games
An EMPTEY book
A laptop
NEW SHOES
Make up
Mariners CHEERLEADING outfit
NEW Paint and stuff for rm.
ICE skates and a coustum
Do Rag Hat
London Hat
Trendy Hat
A singhed Mariner Ball
NEW BED
Lava Lamp

Well, if nothing else, I've taught her to shoot for the stars. Given the list she provided, I have just a few small questions.

A nine year old with a cell phone?! Am I just not with the program or does it seem a bit too early to be providing cellular service? I know Verizon makes this little phone with only four buttons on it that you can program but obviously it's not a picture phone. She can't keep her room clean and I'm supposed to "trust" her with a cell phone? Hell, she had $15 in her wallet that was in her backpack and when I asked her how much she had left she shrugged and started explaining that she had given some of it away to friends.

What the hell is she thinking? Does money grow on trees where she lives? I mean seriously just giving money away, why I would never.... yeah, I better stop there. (smile) She's apparently carrying around a few of my traits.

A puppy. Lest she forget the Shona ordeal? The dog that pissed on my expensive bed. The mattress that I had to pay $1279 to replace? Aries has ovaries of steel to even mention getting another dog right now. Ovaries of steel...yeah, I better stop there, too!

What do you think an empty book means?

A laptop? Shit, I built her a computer that's nicer than mine. Laptop?! dDes she plan on doing a lot of traveling? Perhaps I should buy her a Louis Vuitton briefcase to go with her laptop. And how about a pair of Manolo Blahnik's to complete her ensemble.

Make up? I don't think so. A.) She's so beautiful she'll never need it and B.) No. No means No. Or I could go out on a limb and buy her a flashy miniskirt to go with her Manolo's so that when she hits the street she can start making good money right out of the gate.

Ice skates. This one baffles me. She's never been to an ice skating rink and suddenly in her mind she's ready for her own skates AND an outfit? Do I have a Tara Lipinski on my hands and I just don't know it? To quote one of my favorite comedians, Kathleen Madigan, "you don't wanna peak that early [winning the Gold at 14]. You might as well go ahead and shoot the heroine right into your eyeball and go directly to rehab."

Do-rag. I get this. But a do-rag hat? My kid is so damn cute that do-rags look phenominal on her. But as my friend Pony has so eloquently pointed out, "us white people call them bandanas." Don't guess I'll be taking Pony with me on that shopping trip.

Likewise, I am uncertain what a London Hat is. Perhaps I'll have to stop surfing boy porn and K9 long enough to figure out what she's talking about.

An autographed Mariner baseball. Aries, if there's an autographed Mariner baseball in this house it WON'T belong to you. I love you, but you'll never have one before I do. Not ever. Especially not one signed by Edgar Martinez. Quit frankly, I'm surprised she didn't list who she wanted the signatures for. Edgar and Ichiro would have been the two she requested. Keep dreamin' little one. Good luck with that.

The new bed I was planning on getting her. First, however, she's going to have to clean her room so it will frickin FIT in there. Her room scares even me.

I'm thinking since my birthday is before hers, I should provide her with a list. Of course that list won't do much good until she gets all the hooker garb she's requested for her birthday so she can make some money. What I want to know is what happened to days of Barbie dolls and playing dress up. Apparently dress up has taken on a new form!

Hey, at least she's thinking ahead. It's going to take me the next two months to figure this list out!!!

Life is good; Lessons are plenty, Grasshopper

2006-01-29T21:27:00.000-08:00

Sigh..........

Did you hear my sigh of relief? Was it not loud enough for you? I can do it again!!!

***SIGH***

This is the best day ever.

Allow me to elaborate. Friday night I dropped Aries off at her Dad's and headed to Pacific City. Once I picked up the keys to the rental house and let myself in, I stood in the center of the house and took in the absolute silence. It penetrated my soul.

It was a silence so loud it hurt my ears. I realized on Friday night how much I miss true silence. Living in Portland and in a house with an eight year old who generally has the TV running even if only for background noise, I was inundated with the reality that true silence always seems out of reach. I will be remedying that from here on out.

Once I settled in, I drove to the local tavern for a cocktail. I drank a Margarita made with Cuervo (ew ew ew) and watched the locals shoot pool. I had to laugh at the drunken ignorance I witnessed and realized how silly me and My Boys must look when we're all participating in the tomfoolery that comprises a typical night out. It was a straight version of CC's sans porn. I didn't stay beyond the one drink.

I returned to the house and felt absolutely elated at the silence. I was in the best mood I had been in in two months. I opened the windows that faced the ocean, closed my eyes and just listened to the power and grace. The Guardians of the Watchtowers of the West welcomed me. It was as though they had been waiting all this time and couldn't wait to embrace me.

I donned my sweats and kicked back on the overstuffed chair. I sat there and smiled uncontrollably. I closed my eyes and breathed - in and out - in and out as deeply as possible. With each exhale I expelled the ugliness that has saturated my home and my life since K9 began his stay. I felt liberated.

Liberated until my phone rang. Yes, I forgot to turn off my cell. I saw it was K9 and answered it. He was checking to find out if I had made it safely. A nice gesture considering how things left off when he had left for work earlier that day.

As most of you who read me know, I base everything on intuition. K9 told Hot Toddy and I that he did a spread for Playgirl in early November. That he had flown to L.A. for the shoot. Thing about his story was that it never sat well with me. He never discussed anything about the photo shoot. I knew in my gut he was lying.

Fast forward through the next couple of months, I had come to realize that K9 would bend the truth to fit whatever the situation called for. I cannot count the times that I caught him lying about something. I never bothered to confront him as I had no emotional investment. However.... On Thursday of last week I discovered that the "photo shoot" that he claimed to have done was, in fact, a gay-for-pay porn.

When he discovered via my cookies that I knew what he had done, he blew a cork. And how. His attitude was instantly ugly. He screamed profanities at me while he blamed me for knowing the truth. When he asked how I figured it out, I was honest. I told him that his story about Playgirl never felt right to me and that I did computer investigations for a living. There were other contributing factors but the fact that he was instantly SO ugly to someone who had housed and fed him for six weeks was the last straw.

When I left town on Friday night, I knew he would be moving out of my house this morning. I chose to not sit here with my stomach in knots exposed to someone whose attitude was so ugly. And I'm glad I did.

K9 and I spoke several times Friday night. Every call more ugly and angry than the last (on his part anyway). I kept telling him to stop and reminded him that he was a guest in my house and had no right to speak to me that way. I'd hang up, he'd call again.

The unfortunate thing about all these phone calls was that he was yelling and cussing at me so loudly that Hot Toddy and Brown Eyes heard every syllable of the conversation all the way downstairs. It was bad. Toddy said he was so pissed off at K9's behavior that he almost marched upstairs to tell him to leave. Would have been fine with me.

I finally turned my phone off realizing that talking to K9 was like reasoning with a madman. As I hung up the phone for what I knew would be the last time, I laughed out loud as I did the happy dance on the way to the livingroom. I caught him dead to rights in a lie. There was no denying it. For reasons that I'll not go into here, I felt he should have been honest with me about something that happened a mere two weeks prior to his staying here. He felt differently about it.

When I went to sleep that night, I felt relieved, safe, peaceful. I was able to sleep deeply and dream of things that felt good. Okay, mostly related to sex with faceless people but it was good sex.

Sometime in the early morning hours around 1:30 a.m., the storm that was expected hit with a vengeance. High winds, heavy rain, lightening. I was awakened by the flash of lightening and thought the roof was being blown off by the storm. I'm so used to being in the city that when the lightening struck over the beach, it lit up the entire sky. I stood mesmerized...and hoping it wouldn't hit my Mustang.

When I awoke, I was more rested than I had felt in ages. I awoke happy with a song in my heart and a bounce in my step. I spent the day watching the storms roll in and watching movies. I ate oranges and grapefruits. I made tostadas for lunch. I "danced with myself" every damn time I felt like it (thanks juju for the, well, you know what).

My friend Ren the Rockstar drove out to the coast to have dinner with me. I ate shrimp enchiladas and drank a couple of Margaritas. I talked and laughed with my friend. It was so great. I slept like a baby Saturday night as well. I awoke this morning and finished a book I had been reading. My life was unencumbered and I was loving every minute of it.

I got a call from Toddy this morning around 11:30 congratulating me on getting my house back. He informed me that K9 had packed his shit and left my house. I was so happy I walked through the rental house pumping my fist and shouting. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. It was all about me and my happy dance. Suddenly I couldn't wait to get home.

I packed up my things and headed back to Portland. I couldn't wait to drive my new car back home. I met Toddy at CC's this afternoon. He and I sat and talked. He, too, was elated that K9 was gone. He was so appalled at the way K9 spoke to me that he and Brown Eyes were actually trying to avoid him. K9's ugliness had officially penetrated each room of my house.

I talked to Sweet Face, one of the bartenders at CCs, about my sitch. When I told him I came to to celebrate the fact that bipolar K9 was finally out of my house, he bought me my first Margarita. He consoled me and reminded me that it was nice that I tried to help him. Hell, he even said we could have a DVD release party in K9's honor of his latest endeavor.

The Toddtender showed up and there were a few other guys in there that I'm friends with. I was reminded today both figuratively and literally (by Sweet Face - one of the bartenders) why I love going to CC's so much. They look out for me (and my chosen family) in there. They aren't just bartenders in some gay bar. They are friends who always have our backs.

I picked up Aries tonight and walked into a quiet house. I sat on my front porch with Toddy and Brown Eyes and laughed and talked and felt like my old self again. I still don't regret helping K9. Our paths crossed for a reason. It didn't work out the way I thought it would, but that's because I didn't stand strongly enough behind my boundaries. K9 out-assholed me. Well, me and whoever he got paid to do while he was in L.A. - bah ha ha!!!

Anyhoo, it was a costly experience and I've learned many lessons from this. Next time I'll be more cautious. From the wise words of Master Po when asked if he'd walk the path with Grasshopper: "I can only point the way, Grasshopper. You must walk the path yourself." Each trek down the path empowers me to make better decisions.

A Time for Solitude

2006-01-27T11:30:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted anything since my rant. I've received several phone calls from friends (blog and otherwise) concerned - especially since I hadn't followed up with another post.

I am doing better. I can't thank those of you who commented or sent me an email enough for being so supportive. Especially you boys: Brian, Mush, Gurustu and Dantallion. There are certain people in blogdom for which I have the utmost respect and admiration. When I think about the fact that you four took the time to be so heartfelt with me, it moves me. Thank you for caring so much about someone you've never met. Or seen. I really do need to get some pics on my site.

Anyhoo, things with me still aren't exactly where I'd like them to be but the journey getting there is proving to be one of enlightenment. I had a long talk last night with my best friend, The Toaster Oven. I have missed our talks. At least when we worked together we conversed more. Sounds funny considering we live together but he's been busy and I've been...well, not my best self as of late.

Our conversation was one wherein I received the agreeing support I needed; the mutual feeling of being aghast at certain situations regarding K9; I received the validation I needed that I have handled the K9 situation as best I could; we shared examples of how our boundaries could have been better - mine with K9 and his with Thor (gd hindsight on both counts).

Hot Toddy was a good enough friend to point out that my caretaking can be too much. He said so with an honest heart and I was able to hear him. I know I have things on which to work. I know that my attempt to help K9 was done so with the purest intentions and the way he has treated me in return has nothing to do with me. I'd like to say it's made me gun shy about helping anyone else, but I'll help out my fellow man again. It's just who I am.

K9 is leaving this weekend to go back to Denver. He needs to be gone now. It's been two months and given a different set of circumstances I may not have felt so pressed to be done with doling out my generosity like Pez pellets. But given my current situation with losing my job a month ago, etc., I am not my best self right now. And that's okay. I don't have to be my best self all the time.

It was K9 who asked me for the loan. It's what triggered my last post. I sat at my laptop writing with tears streaming down my face and the Kleenex box nearby. He knows my current financial situation as I had made it abundantly clear yet he asked anyway. After a promise to pay back the money immediately, I agreed. I should have stuck to my guns. I should have trusted my intuition. But I wanted to have faith he'd do the right thing and I ignored it.

I found out Sunday night that the agreement we had was "not [his] understanding" and he thought I was gifting him the cash. That's when I lost it. I'm trying to have faith that he'll do the right thing, but if I end up never seeing one dime of that cash then I guess it was worth it to get him out of my house. Unfortunately, however, he'll make me out to be the heavy in the whole situation.

I've asked Brown Eyes to disappear next week for a few days. I need my household back. Just me and Aries and Toddy. And peace. I need to get grounded again following the whirlwind of someone else's chaos. Brown Eyes said he'd be happy to accommodate and he has no idea how much I appreciate it.

I'm taking Aries to her Dad's this weekend and I'm heading to the Coast. Alone. I have my ritual things packed. I have a couple of good books. One spiritual; one fiction. I'm not drinking this weekend. I'm not smoking this weekend. It's my plan to finally put my Marlboro Ultra Light 100's down and step away from the addiction. I don't smoke that much but it's enough for me to feel burnt out by it all.

It's going to be a cleansing weekend. I won't be here when K9 packs his shit and heads out of town. It was a double-edged sword really. Stay here on a kidless weekend and endure 48 more hours of potential chaos or go. I'm choosing to go. I need to for me. If he steals anything from me then I guess he needs it worse than I do.

Can Anyone Hear Me?

2006-01-22T20:56:00.000-08:00

There is still so much to discuss, yet I find I have but one thing I am capable of blogging tonight.

I find myself submerged deep in frustration tonight. I can feel the heat from the frustration soaking my core from the inside out. It's hot. It's agitating.

I try everyday to live my life like a compassionate human being. I try to be aware of others and their needs. It isn't something I set out to do like some martyr on a mission. It's more about the fact that I can feel what's going on for other people and to ignore it is like looking up at the sky on a bright summer day with the sun directly overhead and trying to avoid looking at it.

For whatever reason right now my path is such that I am destined to help people. And I'm tired. I don't want to be, but I am. The thing about being friends with me is that (I am borrowing this observation from a friend) when you're friends with me I hold you up everytime you need it. It isn't a grand gesture - it just happens.

It's the true meaning of friendship.

The thing about my friendship and me is that you don't even realize I'm holding you up until I reach out to hold up someone else. I don't mind that I'm like this. On the contrary, I'd have it no other way; but when am I held?

At what point is someone there to hold me up when I need it?

I have so much shit going on in my life right now that I don't fucking know which way is up. And I'm alone. I'm so busy holding everyone else up that my god damned arms are tired. My heart is tired. My soul aches.

All I've done all week is fucking cook and do dishes 19 times a fucking day. The laundry is behind; Auburn Aries' rooms are a pig sty; I'm behind in my bills; even sitting here at my writing desk I look around at paperwork that is everywhere in stacks. My shit is falling behind while I help keep everyone else's shit together.

Hell, I even had a friend ask to borrow money the other day even though this person knows I've lost my job and have not signed the separation agreement which kicks off my severance package yet and that my income has ceased. With the promise of immediate repayment, I agreed (I know, don't yell at me - you can't beat me up anymore than I've already done myself). In all honesty, it's the lending of money trying to help someone else out that ignited all of this emotion tonight.

I'm scared. Where the hell is everybody when Auburn Pisces is scared? Is anyone listening?

I honestly cannot believe that I've managed to hold it together like I have. Okay, right now doesn't count because I cannot consider this outburst as holding it together. I know it's likely that I'll read this tomorrow and need to print a correction for losing my cool. But for now, this is all there is.

I've helped K9 to the point that I don't know what else I can do for him. The thing there is I've stopped trying to help him find a solution. It's his solution to find and I am not a part of it. But his energy, his pull on my energy still exists. At what point do you turn your back and say enough?

Someone in our blog family commented in my blog sometime around the PMS blog (I hesitate to research who it was because my laptop has been temperamental lately and I'd prefer to stay in this window) that it always happens that you extend your home to someone only to end up being the one to have to tell them to leave and then you end up the heavy in the whole situation because you had to draw a line in the sand. How right on the money was THAT comment?!

My dear friend, Brown Eyes, is staying with us for a couple of weeks due to a change in his situation. And Brown Eyes, this isn't directed at you. You know I would help you anytime you need it. But the energy drain from K9 has left me feeling like I have nothing left tonight. I beg you not to take this personally and I'm asking you to trust me when I say this to you.

There is so much activity in my house, so much needed by everyone else that I'm neglecting myself. Hot Toddy's been hiding out downstairs all day long and the bummer is I really needed him today but could not have gotten 15 minutes alone with him to talk even if I wanted it - which I did very much.

On March 5th I will turn 43 years old. Last year Hot Toddy, The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz threw me a fantastic birthday party in The Vortex. This year I was thinking about gathering the family together to have cocktails somewhere so we could all laugh and be together. But then I thought about the alcohol factor and how tired I am of being surrounded by that and knowing the potential exists that I could end up being a caretaker o' the hammered that I don't think I want to get together this year.

Then I thought about gathering The Fam at the coast in a rental house for the weekend - I love the coast so much and the thought of everyone gathered in my favorite place thrilled me. However, I think all I want to do it head to the coast to my favorite little rental house on the beach - alone. Do a ritual or 10. Watch a movie or not. Read a book or sleep all damn day. No phone, no human contact, no one's needs but my own.

Hell, I deserve to at least give myself what it is I really want - and right now all I want is peace and quiet.

Let me close by saying that I know I have people out there who care about me and who check on me. Ren..your friendship never goes unnoticed. Young Stud..you know how I feel about you - I wish you were still in my life the way you used to be. I know Toddy and Pony and MizKarma and Juju and Hot Momma are all right there. I'm just having a rough day and needed to vent. Times like this I miss having a partner in my life. Someone who truly knows me and understands me and will let me be my worst, scared, teary self with them without ever having to doubt their love. Oddly enough, however, I don't want that right now either. Go figure.

Mustang Aub

2006-01-10T15:28:00.000-08:00

The night before I lost my job, I bought this smokin' ass Mustang.

Kind of a double-edged sword isn't it? Buying a car like this one and losing your job the next day.

All I can say to that is, Eh....

There's a bit of a story behind the Stang. I received a call from my sister, Skinny Girl, on Christmas morning telling me that her husband had bought her a Mustang as a gift for Christmas. She didn't mean that he took her to pick it out. He actually went to the dealership and selected the car, had the value of her Jeep Wrangler assessed unbeknownst to her while she was at work, brought the car home and hid it for three days in their neighbors garage (my sister never noticed the neighbors were parking on the street).

On Christmas morning, Ken had moved the car into their back driveway and handed her a little box with a set of keys in it. Nice, huh?! That kind of stuff only happens in commercials. She called to tell me the story to which all I could reply was, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

I couldn't believe it for two reasons: 1.) that she has a partner in her life that would do that. I will never be with a partner (regardless of the gender) long enough to have anyone do that for me. I was jealous.

Reason #2.) That she got the car I wanted!!! Let me clear one thing up... I am a Chevy girl at heart. Always will be. It's part of the list of fun questions I ask potential partners - Chevy or Ford, Democrat or Republican, etc. But when Ford changed the body style of the Mustangs to look like the old Mach 1, I was sold.

Fast forward four days and Auburn Aries and I were out rattin' around and I asked her if she wanted to go test drive the new Mustangs. I honestly didn't walk in there expecting to buy the car (okay, maybe a little I did). Mostly I just wanted to see how much [ahem] moxie it had (what is it with me and moxie?).

The saleswoman told me she would drive the car out of the lot and then we would trade places. With a puzzled look on my face I asked her if she was buying the car. She said no - at which point I promptly told her it would be I who drove the car off the lot. And that I did.

I first test drove the V6. Unbelievable. Aries was sitting in the back seat shouting "WE NEED TO OWN THIS CAR. I LOVE THIS CAR!!!"

Then I drove the GT. Oh my hell. The GT has so much power it literally throws you back against the seat even more than the V6 does. I drove GT like it was meant to be driven. I'm certain I scared the poor saleswoman. I pulled back into the dealership with images flashing through my mind of being pulled over, speeding tickets and never getting to open the car up the way it was meant to be driven.

I decided to buy the V6. Being a single parent with a $2k mortgage in an economy that feels like its never going to recover, spending $30k on a car seemed a bit frivolous. I was proud of myself during the negotiation process. I felt like my Dad - not taking any shit or rolling over on features I wanted or price. I made several calls to Ken to make sure I was on the right track. He helped me out on specifics.

I left there with my 2006 Vista Blue Mustang, V6, 17" alloy wheels with low profile performance tires, 6 disk CD/mp3 player with a 12" Alpine subwoofer in the trunk. I had the windows tinted last week. The car is too damn cool.

For years I 've wanted a blue car. When I was with Aries' Dad, he determined the color of the cars I bought mostly because he was better at being an asshole than I was. Then when I was with Grouchy Girl, she picked the color of the Camry (again she being a bigger bitch than I was, with her fit-throwing "I won't ride in that car if you buy that color.").

But now...I'm driving what I want in the color I want and the car hauls ass. Literally. Pony is jealous of my purchase (sorry, Pony) and when I gave Hot Toddy a ride to the airport, I actually scared him. It's just a huge injustice to not let my Pony do what it was built to do - which is perform like a Champion.

My ovaries were bigger than his dick.

2006-01-09T11:20:00.000-08:00

Tis I...Auburn Pisces.

I haven't disappeared. K9 crashed my personal laptop several weeks ago and it's taken until yesterday to get it back online (thank you, Pony). I ordinarily would just post at work if my home system is down but alas, I have lost my job.

I left work on the 21st of December and hadn't planned on returning from my vacation until January 3rd. Auburn Aries was on her two week Christmas break and I usually spend a week of it with her.

I received a phone call from my boss the Thursday before I was to return to work. He said he wanted to talk to me about something.

Ahole: I need to talk to you about something. This is a really difficult conversation to have. We've decided to terminate your employment effective January 13th.

AP: [Hard to form words when your jaw is on the floor. I thought my stomach was going to fall out my butt]. Terminate my employment?

Ahole: With new direction the company is [blah blah blah] we've had to make some adjustments and [blah blah] budget cuts.

AP: Why my position? [we just hired four new employees on our team - I have tenure gawd damn it.]

Ahole: Well, quite honestly you were the most expendable. I knew about the reduction in force a month ago. I'm sorry.

AP: [Nice... I give six years of my life to this effing shithole company only to find my contribution and presence was just simply not needed anymore]. So just like that, I'm done? You couldn't have given me a heads up a month ago when I specifically asked you if my job was in jeopardy and you said yes and then proceeded to give me guidance on how to fix it? You couldn't just tell me there was RIF coming?

Ahole: I'm sorry. You don't need to return to work. Because of the level of access you have, your access was revoked prior to my making this phone call. We'll need your access badges, key fob, and any other company property you have. Contact the HR Department about a severance package. I'm just sick about this. I know what this does to you emotionally.

AP: Emotionally? Emotion has nothing to do with it, Ahole. You just dumped a financial bomb in my lap. I'm a single parent with a $2,000 mortgage and I just bought a new car last night!

Moral to the story is... My boss CALLED me while I was on my VACATION to TERMINATE MY EMPLOYMENT and then advised me he was NOT going to allow me access to my work laptop to retrieve any personal files that had accumulated over the course of six years. Isn't that special?!

The funny thing is Ahole thinks I'm ignorant enough to not see through his bullshit. For every time I confronted him; for every time he told me I was too assertive as an IT professional; for every time he told me I needed to soften the moxie; for the time I called him on his shit when he told me I should put my lifestyle and other things back under the covers; for every time we had a one-on-one and he seemed nervous to be around me, I guess I was too much for him.

He's got what he wants now...a team of yes men who don't rock the boat.

They're giving me a 12 week severance package assuming I'll sign a separation agreement stating I won't sue the company or hold them liable for anything. Once I meet with an attorney, I may do just that...sign it and be done with it. It's a blessing and I already know it.

More on the car and other current events tomorrow. There's so much to catch you up on!

A look inside

2005-12-20T15:07:00.000-08:00

I’m better. And here’s hoping I don’t have another PMS post for a long, long…long time. ‘Nuff said about that.

Portland was hit with a small snow/ice storm over the weekend. It’s been colder than this witch’s tit for almost three weeks. Clear, bitterly cold and very windy. Though I don’t care for the amount of rain the Pacific NW gets, I was actually hoping it would come so there would be cloud cover to keep in a little heat.

On Sunday, Hot Toddy, K9 and I were having lunch in the hippie district before helping Hot clear out the loft. K9 noticed half way through lunch that it had begun snowing. I watched with a certain excitement while enjoying the change (even though it didn’t represent warmth). Being a Dago girl, snow isn’t commonplace for me.

I watched it snow and realized how much I missed Auburn Aries. She had only been at her Dad’s two days and there I sat with a lump in my throat that the first time it snowed this year, we weren’t together. I grabbed my cell phone and called her to tell her the snow was on its way. Hearing her little voice caused me to tear up, I miss her so much.

We managed to get quite a bit of stuff out of the loft. I was glad we were getting it out simply because, for me, it meant that my best friend was actually living with me. He AND his belongings.

I could feel Hot’s energy all day long. As we were waiting for our lunch, I glanced up at one point and asked Hot where he had gone [mentally] and what was wrong. He laughed and shook his head saying how funny it was that I knew the second he felt something. I sat through lunch that day with two men each who carry their own burdens, pain, and uncertainty and I felt every second of it.

I was grateful that I didn’t have much of my own stuff going on so their broken spirits had somewhere to land to find a moments peace. I don’t think people realize what goes on for an intuitive person like myself. Nor do I care to explain it here. But I realized that even though sometimes I may not realize it (or times I need to hear it), I do know my place in this world.

My contribution may not be great or significant in any global sense. But I know I’m important to my family.

We ended up getting iced in Sunday evening. I made fajitas and margaritas and me, Hot Toddy, K9, and Willie hung out. It was very relaxing for me. I didn’t allow myself to get hung up on household chores or any of the other stuff that always needs to be done.

We sat/stood around in the kitchen listening to music and laughing. As I prepared dinner, I watched my friend whose spirit is being knocked around like a small sailboat centered in a storm on a big, angry sea. Toddy posted today about the last year and his moves. As I watched and felt him Sunday afternoon and evening, it occurred to me just how strong Todd truly is.

Sunday night it was as though I was watching a best and worst of compilation for both Hot and K9. I flashed through the year Todd’s had. The moving, the love, the heartache, the lessons, the lost and discovered boundaries, realizing the depths of love he is capable of giving, coping with being deceived, learning who is true friends are…the list goes on and on.

People say that I’m the strong one. I’m often asked how I do it. How I hold it together. How is it I’m able to be strong for so many. Yet I stood before my friend and could feel his inability to breath right now. I could feel the coldness of the depths to which he has fallen and could feel his legs feverishly kicking beneath him, unwilling to succumb to the darkness.

It is you, Sweet Toddy, who is the strong one. You’re surviving it. Each and every day you open your eyes and experience one more day this existence has to offer you, you’re surviving it. Once you get to a place you’re not just surviving it but once again thriving in all this lifetime has to offer you is when you’ll know the balance in your life is back. Hang on, Toddy. You’re almost there.

Hot, please never think of yourself as weak. You have had a tough year, my darling friend. Everything will be okay.

I reflected on the images I got from K9 that night as well. Similar struggles, trust issues, unhappiness, no sense of belonging. He’s only spoken of his life and experiences but the images are as clear to me as though I were there. He doesn’t read my blog. Probably best he doesn’t following my crazy rant the other day. Besides the words I would share with him would likely fall on deaf ears as he, too, has been deceived, let down.

I realized that night that I play a role in the lives of the people I love. Even on days I doubt I make a difference, I do – just by being there.

I’ve reflected on the last year with all of my chosen family. I needn’t list them here, you already know who they are. I’ve witnessed change in each of their lives. I’ve felt the pain when they’ve felt it; I’ve felt the love when it flowed freely; I’ve watched each of them grow as human beings much the same way I have.

I am blessed – even by the occasional stray puppy – that I have crossed their path for a reason. I cannot begin to tell you how my family has changed who I am as a person or how much they have reminded me what unconditional love is.

I had a chat with Ren the Rockstar earlier today. She is another loving friend who picks up my pieces when they fall. We attended a Christmas soiree over the weekend. I attended wearing this black, floor length strapless number and my stilettos. When Ren saw me, she did a double take. I was flattered.

She said this morning that what she saw when she looked over at me was ultimate confidence. How it is that that makes me as beautiful as I am. She spoke of how she has never known anyone who was more sure of their place in the world.

Sometimes I spend time wondering what the hell I’m doing – why am I working this job; am I living my life the way I’m supposed to be; am I missing my true calling… And then I think about this weekend, my chosen family, and the words Ren spoke and I realize I’m living my life exactly how I am supposed to be which is surrounded with these amazing people.

We all need each other and if it’s one thing in which I am absolutely confident, it’s in the love of my friends, my family. It’s the depth of people like Pua, Young Stud, and Ren and everyone I consider my family that make me realize that I am right where I’m supposed to be.

PMS Two days later...

2005-12-16T15:23:00.000-08:00

Though I have not had the privilege of bleeding and getting it over with (as my Spiritual Equal, Young Stud, said this morning – it shall happen tomorrow up on the full moon) I am feeling some type of relief.

Communication goes a long way, does it not?

Hot Toddy and I had a good talk. I told him how I miss my friend and our talks. The Aub and Hot time needs to come back. He gave me a little Thank You card the speaks of how much he treasures me. Sometimes I guess just hearing it and not having to know the unspoken truth exists inside, helps.

I had a heart-to-heart with K9. I told him exactly where I was at with everything. He said that all I’ve done is be a great friend to him and he’s been so wrapped up on his own stuff that he ended up in an bad place.

After my writing the other day, I sat in C.C.s with Hot Toddy, Ms Karma and The Math Whiz and watched K9 work. He is a good guy. I watched him and could feel his pain inside. Damn Piscean luck – more energy to carry around. I felt horrible about venting. Though it did help and it’s my blog and I chose to use it to find clarity.

Helping someone isn’t always convenient. If helping people were easy, more people would do it.

Auburn Aries is still the light of my existence. She leaves tonight to go to her Dad’s for a week. I don’t see her until Christmas Eve. In as much as I need a little time to myself, I will be lost without her by my side. But while she is away, I will go to the Santa extreme and give her another year of magic.

I’ll have some Aries Christmas anecdotes next week. By then, all should be well.

Put your seatbelt on

2005-12-14T11:07:00.000-08:00

Aub’s pissed.

Forgive the rant on which I am about to embark. It needs to be duly noted that I am PMS’ing. In as much as I’ve managed to get through my entire life with few symptoms of this monster, I am finding that as I get older (i.e. over 40) it rears its ugly head in the form of intolerance or tears.

The tears part is no big deal but today the intolerance must find an outlet and my blog shall bear the load.

Buckled Up?

What the fuck is wrong with people? I’m serious. This question covers a broad spectrum of people. Let’s start small.

Why is it that Auburn Aries tells me it’s 7:10 this morning (I like to leave my house by 7:20) and then proceeds to walk around the house in bare feet for the next 15 minutes even after I’ve told her to get her shoes on? What the hell is it in her clusterfuck of a bedroom could be so gd important that she’s willing to risk my temper flaring first thing in the morning?

Is there a bag of cash that fell off an Armored truck that she’s been hiding in there somewhere? Is Angelina Jolie laying in there with her legs open waiting for me? Is there a letter telling me her dipshit father is moving to the bum fuck Egypt where he belongs?

I don’t think so.

At 7:25 I stood in my kitchen counting to ten, silently.

How is it also that I bought her the book Narnia and she can’t find it. It’s a frickin’ week old and it’s missing. Can you say where’s the $130 Columbia coat I bought her last winter that she lost one week into owning it. Okay, in her defense it was tied around her waist and fell off while at school and no one bothered to return it. Nice. I’m sure the new book is with the coat.

She’s wanting the Narnia book set but I won’t buy it until she finds the new one I bought her. GD kid thinks money grows on freakin trees.. Want want want want want. I swear – she’s got more shit than she even realizes she has. She appeared with a beautiful bracelet on her wrist last week and when I asked her where she got it she said she found it in her stuff. Yeah, I’ll bet she did.

Moving on.

How is it possible that people can come to me and vent or ask my advice or need a shoulder to cry on and tune my ass out after I’ve taken the time to try and help them, only to find out that when someone else gives the same gd advice suddenly it all makes sense and person b, c or d is a gd Saint for helping him see the way?

Christalmighty, why the fuck do I even bother?

I have stood steadfast by the side of someone very, very dear to me. I’ve listened to every worry, concern, hurt feelings, lost love, broken heart, every tear, every bottle the was dove into… I’ve looked out for this person in his highs and lows only to find I’ve ended up the person in the background whose words don’t seem to matter anymore.

I did the ground work… the grunt work if you will and now there are three other people whose friendship have become the hallmark of true friendship. Grrrrrr. I know these three people and I love them all. They are not bad people in any way, shape or form. But every time I think about the fact that I was there through it all and now there’s no time for me, makes me cry.

And then.

Hot Toddy and I met a guy less than a couple of months ago that had just moved to Portland from Denver. I shall call him K9. K9 is a man who has traveled the country. Over the course of four or five years he lived in 32 states. He has wonderful stories to tell and doesn’t look back on his choice to travel and see the world with any regret.

He is athletic – he rides café racers, he snowboards, he is fearless when it comes to taking a risk. He is a true adrenalin junkie. Immediately after he moved to Portland he found work as a male stripper. Yes, this guy’s body is that hot. He has a natural physique that most men have to go to the gym three hours a day to get. Biceps like huge rocks. Built in six pack abs. A v-shaped torso that is simply a thing of beauty on which to cast your eyes.

Tired of stripping he took a low-key job at, where else, C.C. Slaughters. This is how Toddy and I met him. He spoke of his struggle to settle-in in a town where he knows no one; where he is unfamiliar with the geography of a city; of how he’s been robbed four separate times after moving here.

His car was broken into a couple of different times. His expensive snowboard stolen, his snowboard gear stolen, his satellite laptop stolen from underneath a bed where he slept and thought he was safe. His photo albums of all of his adventures, gone. His motorcycle leathers, gone. Money stolen. How this guy has managed to stay and overcome something that would have robbed me of any faith I had in mankind, is beyond me.

After conversing with K9 for a couple of hours, he shared how his goal is to stick it out and not run from adversity. He wanted to save enough money to get himself an apartment – someplace that he could call home and that he was proud of, rather than renting a room in someone else’s house and paying $125 a week for a daybed and a bathroom.

Toddy and I talked about it and decided to offer our home to K9. This poor guy can’t get a break and we wanted to help.

So a over a week ago, I talked to K9 and extended the offer. Toddy was willing to give up one of his bedrooms downstairs and I would not charge him rent so that he could save up for his own place. He wanted to be in something by the end of this year.

Sounds great right? Well then why the hell isn’t this guy looking at apartments? Is my gd house just too gd comfortable? The agreement was through December which means, uh, tic tock, tick tock motherfucker. Don’t tell me you’re saving for an apartment and deposits and then talk about buying a new snowboard.. Unless you plan on using it for a pillow when you’re out of a place to stay. I'm your friend not your gd fairy godmother.

Now please understand, I do not regret the decision to help K9 out. He’s a sweet guy. But all my routines are out of whack. There’s no bed downstairs yet and he’s staying upstairs. I know I seem like a total bitch complaining about this but let me remind you…PMS!!!! I know in a day or two none of this will matter, but for now…

K9 tends to be negative.. rightly so I’d imagine. But I’m silver lining girl. I see the glass half full. He called me yesterday at 3 p.m. to tell me how Oregon sucks ‘cause there’s nothing to do. How he sat in my house all day and was bored beyond belief.

I’m from San Diego. It is still my home in my heart of hearts. Though I’ve lived in Oregon 16 years, it will never truly be home to me. However, I have lived here long enough to know there is an asston of shit to do up here. Oregon is beautiful.

I told K9 to drive up to Multnomah Falls (after I said the name 19 fucking times because Multnomah sounds like PAH-TOE-MA on a cell phone) and hike the falls. Or go to Mt. Hood and rent a snowboard and burn off some energy (can’t do that “because rental equipment sucks”) or hike the Butte behind my house and get some fresh air. Or ride his $2k mountain bike on the Butte. Do something. But whatever you do, don’t bitch because you chose to sit in the house all gd day. I found it odd that he did just that.

He reminds me of Bohdi (Patrick Swayze) in Point Break who, throughout the entire movie, experiences rush after rush from so many wild adventures. At the end of the movie, Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves) finds Bodhi in Australia surfing and tells Bodhi he’s come to arrest him for all the robberies blah blah blah… to which Bodhi replies, “I can’t live in a cage. I’ll die there.”

K9 is Bodhi. If he’s not running full-speed with his hair on fire then he’s not going fast enough. I’m 42 years old (K9 is 31). My perspective is different. Don’t ask my advice and then not bother to consider it…oh, wait, I’ve already addressed a subject similar to this one.

K9 has found himself frustrated by his job as well. He’s a straight man working in a gay bar where he doesn’t feel accepted because he’s different. He feels discriminated against by the very people who preach non-stop about being treated the exact same way.

What the hell is it with me trying to help the stray puppies? Toddy and I were laughing about this other day. He and I are just alike that way. I know I just have to put my patience cap on but until my PMS subsides, I need to stay busy so I don’t get like this.

And then there’s the trek I made to Pioneer Place to take Aries to see Santa and pick up her Nintendo DS bundle. EB Games was out of DS. A quick search in the computer showed there are only two left in this area. The next closest is 2,000 miles away. So today on my lunch hour I’m driving north of Vancouver, WA to pick up the gd game.

And Santa… that fat bastard. His sorry ass was gone when he finally got down to see him at 7 p.m. Aries was crushed. We go to Pioneer Place every year to see Santa. She put on her cutest shirt and put clips in her hair and stood there with a sad little face like she didn’t know what she was going to do if she couldn’t talk to Santa. I promised her we would make it back to see him later this week. Now I have to carve more time out of an already busy week. A mother’s work is never done.

She’s been overwhelmed with kids at school telling her Santa isn’t real. She spoke of how Santa is real because parents couldn’t write out all those tags or wrap all those presents. How Santa is real because he leaves her a letter propped on the tree each year. How she’s seen the left over cookies the next morning and how he left chocolate chip smears on the napkin she left out and how he dunks his cookies because she saw the crumbs in the glass of milk and how he tracked leaves into the house.

She talked about how all the Santas in the malls aren’t the real Santa because the real Santa doesn’t have time to go sit in every mall. I told her she was right they weren’t the real Santa but they were members of a Santa club and that Santa actually hires each and every one. She was amazed and thrilled when she realized that the mall Santas have actually met the real one. She said that even though she’s never seen the real Santa she knows he’s real because she’s heard the sleigh bells and only Santa has the real sleigh bells.

All those little bastards in school need to shut the hell up. This may be the only year left of Aries believing in the magic of Santa.

I know I have Aries and I have Toddy and the rest of my chosen family all right here. But I can’t help but miss my bio family. I can’t help but acknowledge the emptiness that exists silently inside of me. Everything feels big right now. Not enough time, not enough money, no one to ask me how I’m doing and truly wait to hear the answer.

Again, I know my current state of mind is temporary and it’s entirely possible I’ll have to write another post admitting I jumped the gun. But for now, I’ll get through my day without losing my cool, thanks to this – my blog and your willingness to laugh at my plight. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be laughing with you.

Power

2005-12-09T13:26:00.000-08:00

No one can take the power in your life
Unless you give it to them.

Why I love my blog

2005-12-07T16:22:00.000-08:00

Being turned on:
Not *that*. But the fact that Toddy and Miz Karma and I were talking and laughing one day about how I should have a blog and Toddy totally turned me on to the whole concept and hooked me up.

Writing it:
I love sitting down and putting my fingers on the keys and sharing a story. I wish I had more time to do it.

Sharing pieces of my life:
I love that there are moments in my life that move me to the point of being excited about sharing them. Regardless of whether or not they are philosophical, sad, exciting, spiritual.

Comments:
Though I don’t always have time to get to as many blogs as I’d like to leave comments, I love that there people who read me and are moved to say something to me about what I have written.

Site Meter:
I love being able to peruse Site Meter and look at the cities and countries from which people read me.

Searches:
I laugh at some of the ways people find me via a search engine:

“Pisces trouble area”
“Santa been in dirty under a tree”
“Barbies having sex”
“Nipple weights blogspot”
“My boobs”
“Tall boots”

Friendship:
I love that I have acquired friends via this forum that I feel connected to and never would have met otherwise. I look forward to being able to peek into their worlds a little each day as well.

Blog names:
I love that whenever Toddy and I are in a social gathering he’ll say, “This is my friend, Marilyn” and get confused looks in return. Then says, “She’s Auburn Pisces” and people immediately know who I am. That and the fact that Pony and Hot Toddy call me Aub. I love that I can yell “hey Hot” downstairs and he answers me. It’s created another layer of closeness or intimacy that I appreciate.

Aries:
I love that I get to share some phenomenal stories about the sharpest little girl I know which makes me the proudest person alive.

Dog Gone It

2005-12-06T14:57:00.000-08:00

One of the contributing factors to my tense Thanksgiving weekend had to do with a certain dog that Aries and I thought we wanted to adopt. My ex, Daddy D, donates time to a no-kill dog rescue in Washington. She called and told me about a dog they had obtained that was low-key and had a great temperament. Aries has been wanting a dog so I agreed to test drive the dog over the long weekend.

She was a Chinook/Pit mix. Absolutely beautiful. She was a very quiet dog; she was playful; she seemed very loyal. She didn’t eat the first three days she was at the house which worried me. Guess she needed some settling in time.

She kept looking back at her bottom so I took her to a vet on the Friday following Tgiving. This is where the chaos truly began.

With Aries in tow, we sat in the room waiting for the vet – almost 25 minutes. When the vet came in he pet the dog and said she probably had a plugged anal gland. Gross. Ew. Then as quickly as he told me of the problem, he started his aggressive diatribe about how I needed to get rid of the dog immediately.

I was confused. Two seconds prior he was petting the dog and rubbing her ears and now he was going off about how I needed to get rid of the dog because she was part Pit. He continued his criticism of the dog and spoke of a Pit Bull’s nature. They’re aggressive and born attackers (his words). His tone became mean. The dog that originally greeted him with a wagging tail was now hunched down and growling at him.

He pointed out that we had only had her three days and that it wasn’t too late to get rid of the dog before we have any more time invested. He pointed to the now growling dog and viewed it as confirmation of his point that she needed to be gone, destroyed…didn’t matter which. He said she had anxiety (well no shit, she'd been in a dog rescue kennel for a couple of months with no sense of belonging).

I looked over at Aries and her lower lip began to quiver. The area around her beautiful, tender green eyes was red as she fought back tears. She was in love with this 67 pound dog and did not want to give it up. She held the retractable leash tightly in her hand staring at the dog, her heart breaking.

I can deal with a lot of shit from people. I don’t have a problem at all being confronted. I can take being poorly spoken to with blatant disregard. I won't tolerate it, but I won't crumble if it happens. I will always stand my ground and stand up for myself regardless of how badly I may be shaking inside. It takes me but a moment to evaluate whether the person speaking to me is worthy of a response. It’s taken me a long time to learn to just walk away when it’s not worth it.

But when someone hurts my daughter in any way, the time lapse between patience and being fucking done is approximately 2.3 seconds. I come out swinging like a Momma Lion with her claws out.

The vet carried on with no hesitation. I quickly stood and stepped into his personal space. I addressed him as though he were still worthy of my respect which he was not.

“Sir, if you want to have this conversation then let’s have it one-on-one. Privately. Why don’t you take the dog in the back and treat her and let me calm my daughter down.”

“No,” he insisted. “She needs to hear this. This dog could kill her.”

I could feel the rage and heat screaming to the surface. Street-Auburn Pisces was ready to kick this fucker’s door in.

“NO,” I asserted, “SHE DOES NOT NEED TO HEAR THIS. JUST TAKE THE DOG IN THE BACK AND LET’S WRAP THIS UP.”

“You don’t understand,” he yelled, “This dog will maul her and there won’t be anything you can do about it. She needs to hear the truth. One day one of her little girlfriends is going to come over and reach down to pet the dog and this dog is going to attack her out of fear. Do you want that on your conscious?”

“Sir, isn’t it possible that the Chinook breed in her and the complacency that breed displays overrides the nature of the Pit that you seem so freaked out about? This dog has given me no cause for concern. We’ve spent three solid days with the her.”

“I don’t care what “brand” she is. The Pit Bull in her will kill your daughter.”

“SIR, YOU ARE OUT OF LINE. YOU’RE SCARING MY DAUGHTER – LOOK AT HER – YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO SAY THOSE THINGS IN FRONT OF HER AND I’M NOT GOING TO STAND HERE AND LET THIS HAPPEN FOR ONE MORE SECOND. I’M DONE.”

I grabbed the leash from Aries, ripped the door open and said “We’re leaving” as I nodded Aries out the doorway. There, sitting in the lobby, were other unsuspecting victims. I got 10 feet from the asshole veterinarian and heard him bellow “YOU OWE ME FOR AN OFFICE VISIT!!” He was waiving my new file in his hand.

Blown away by his idiocy and ignorance, I turned on my heel and walked right toward him. I never slowed down. I was beyond pissed off. I leaned toward him and pointed in his face.

“You had NO fucking right to have that conversation in front of my daughter. You had NO right to scare her. I was willing to talk to you about your concerns privately but you wouldn’t stop.”

“She deserves to know the truth!”

“SHE WILL KNOW THE TRUTH AS IT’S INTERPRETED BY ME. IT’S MY JOB TO PROTECT HER FROM PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!!”

I stormed out the door. Jaws in the waiting area had officially reached the floor. As he screamed about the cost of the office visit one last time, I told him to bill me and walked out – with a kid in tears and a dog that was so wound up I could hardly get her in the car.

I had to dig deep into the depths of my soul to find the patience to take care of Aries and the dog and put my anger aside. I got home and was talking to Hot Toddy about the whole deal. It’s like I told him, at least Aries has officially seen Street-Auburn Pisces and knows that her Mom isn’t scared to stand up for what’s right and that I will protect her at all cost.

The name of this place is Companion Pet Clinic, 3150 NE 82nd Avenue, Portland, Oregon. Don’t ever use them. Ever.

But wait, the story continues.

Later that night, Aries and I were watching movies. I had come down off my mad and had begun the hateful thought process of what I wish I could have done to that asshole. Until this point, the dog had either slept in Aries room next to her bed or next to mine on the floor.

Aries and I both fell asleep on the couches that night. I awoke at 1 a.m. and got Aries up and told her to just sleep with me and we headed toward my bedroom. The dog came walking out of the room as we entered. I didn’t think much of it.

Aries laid her little head down and says, “Why is it wet right there?”

I ran over and flipped on the light to find that son-of-a-bitch dog had pissed on my bed right in between the two pillows where your head would lay.

Not that big a deal you’re thinking? Guess again. I sleep on a king size Carrington Chase Coral Bay Plush bed. It retails for nearly $4,000.

The dog was cowering in my office which is through a set of sliding glass doors off my bedroom. I threw the door open, pointed at her and yelled, “YOU MOTHERFUCKER…YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF A ONE WAY TICKET OUT OF HERE.”

Then I lost it. The weekend, the dog, the kid, the veterinarian, the cooking, the turkey that seemed to cook forever, no back up to catch me when I needed to fall. I started to cry. I didn’t know what to do. The bed is latex. The stain was bright yellow. It stunk. The mattress was supposed to have been treated but it didn't appear as such.

I put Aries in her bed and she tried her best to comfort me. She never sees me cry that hard and with my guard down like that. She just watched me wide-eyed trying to talk me down. Bless her heart.

Hot Toddy came in from a night at C.C.’s and in his drunken state of mind, grabbed wash cloths and Febreeze and tried to clean the spot. He appeared to have gotten the bulk of it out but needless to say, I would no longer sleep on my $4k bed. In fact, I spent the next five days on the phone with the mattress company working out a replacement.

I ended up paying for the replacement mattress. They sold a new mattress at a used mattress price of $1279. Bastards. I still have the old mattress and until I find that warranty card, it’s not going anywhere. There’s something about throwing out a $2k mattress that doesn’t sit well with me.

The dog slept in the garage from that night on. The next morning when I let her out to pee, she promptly jumped the fence like it wasn’t even there. Rebellious little shit. Twice I went after her to bring her back home. The second time I realized that I wasn’t willing to beg her to come home. I flipped her off and said, “bye bye, see you at later” and walked off.

She ended up coming back eventually. She jumped the fence repeatedly. I called the ex to come and get her, to no avail. I took her to the Southwest Washington Humane Society where Daddy D was supposed to pick her up and take her back to the dog rescue to be adopted out. Hopefully she’s found a great place to roam free with no expensive bed to pee on.

Press 1 for English

2005-12-02T14:26:00.000-08:00

Why the hell do I have to press 1 for English? This is America. English is the language spoken here.

People who don’t speak English should have to press a button, not me.

This pisses me off.

And interactive voice commands with an automated attendant…this works if your Hot Toddy and you’re sitting in the park shouting at the automated attendant at the bank.

But if you’re me and you’re trying to make a personal call at work amidst the cube farm, I don’t want to have to announce my choices into the phone.

“NO”

“YES”

“PASSWORD”

“PASSWORD”

“CUSTOMER REPRESENTATIVE”

“AGGRO LESBIAN”

[“I’m sorry but your command was not recognized. Please select one of the following choices…”]

“C.U.S.T.O.M.E.R. R.E.P.R.E.S.E.N.T.A.T.I.V.E.”

Give me a gd option to bark like a dog into the phone or press the appropriate button. Geez. The times I want to press a button I can’t. Bastard companies over-streamline now.

If you’re Old Mother Hubbard, not having to push a button would be a good thing. Or if your just too exhausted to reach up there to press a button. As Kathleen Madigan would say, if that were the case you’d probably be willing pay somebody $20 to dial that number 2. If it were an 8 you’d dial it, but that 2 is all the way at the top which is just exhausting.

Silence

2005-11-29T10:50:00.000-08:00

I need silence. I need the noise in my head to stop. I need the noise in my life to stop.

My life the last couple of weeks and especially the last six days has been a constant feed – a data stream that just won’t stop and in fact keeps picking up speed.

I haven’t had five minutes to myself in weeks. It feels like I haven’t had anyone turn to me and ask how *I’m* doing in a long time. To say no one has asked would be a lie. The Math Whiz and Pony have been my closest allies as of late. For them, I am especially grateful.

And Ren the Rockstar was my rock Sunday night when I called her broken down and in tears at 11 p.m. because I was at the end of my rope. I had nothing left to give – not even to myself. I had given and cooked and served and tended to and loved and listened to everyone who needed it over my five day weekend including a dog that lived temporarily at my house.

Once I had Ren on the phone, I could barely articulate why I was so exhausted. All I could do was cry and tell her I had nothing left – that I was empty.

Ordinarily I would have called Young Stud. He has been there for me emotionally in ways some of my friends will never understand. There is a level of trust there that is unbreakable. He has proven himself to me over and over again just by his integrity alone. He is a man whose arms I feel completely safe in. At 11 p.m on a Sunday after a long weekend, I wasn’t sure he’d answer and I needed someone to answer my call.

I wasn’t searching for someone to fix me. I needed someone to care…about me. Only me. For just a few minutes I needed to be the center of the world. I needed to cry and I wanted so badly to be held while I did it, I’d have driven to the ends of the earth to get it.

I am always strong for everyone else. Sometimes it feels like I take hit after hit in life and have no choice but to stand strong because I have to (especially now that I have Auburn Aries) when all the while I’m crying inside.

This was only my third Thanksgiving without my Mom. It’s the first one without my brother Jim. I missed my parents and my brothers who’ve passed on so much it hurt. I missed the crazy camaraderie that is my family. The laughter, the stories, the drunkenness, the arguing, the grazing. I haven’t heard, nor will I ever again, the sound of all my family’s voices in one room. God how I miss that. I feel so alone.

For five days I couldn’t keep up with dishes – they seemed to stay stacked up all weekend regardless of how many times I loaded the dishwasher. Plastic water bottles piled up faster than I could carry them out to the recycle bin. I would just put food away and it would be time to eat again. I would settle in to study only to have Aries interrupt me to ask what I was doing. I was jealous because Toddy had the freedom to go out and have a few drinks sans responsibilities and I didn’t. I couldn’t get the laundry done.

I walked past my altar time and time again, each time it spoke to me more loudly than the last. I needed to meditate. I need to burn some incense and center myself. I needed to sit still and feel the earth beneath me. I couldn’t. There was no way I was going to get enough quiet to find what I needed.

I’m wound so god damned tight it’s going to take me hours to disentangle. And quite frankly, I have too much shit to do at my house.

What I need is to get laid. I need to have hours of unadulterated sex with someone who can keep up. I need to be worn out. It always pulls my shoulders down away from my ears and helps me breath. I need the clarity that follows it.

Then I need to be left alone – to do a ritual, to meditate, to listen to music – classical music or something new age (lyric free) while I don’t talk to anyone. That’s right, I want to use someone for their body and their talent and then send them away. I’m being selfish.

Funny thing is, I say that however sitting on the couch with someone to hold me while we watch a movie would probably equal that of an intense session o’ sex. There’s got to be something in my future…sex, being held, or a good flogging. All opposite ends of the spectrum, I know…but I’m a complex woman. Just go with it.