Tuesday, November 29, 2005


I need silence. I need the noise in my head to stop. I need the noise in my life to stop.

My life the last couple of weeks and especially the last six days has been a constant feed – a data stream that just won’t stop and in fact keeps picking up speed.

I haven’t had five minutes to myself in weeks. It feels like I haven’t had anyone turn to me and ask how *I’m* doing in a long time. To say no one has asked would be a lie. The Math Whiz and Pony have been my closest allies as of late. For them, I am especially grateful.

And Ren the Rockstar was my rock Sunday night when I called her broken down and in tears at 11 p.m. because I was at the end of my rope. I had nothing left to give – not even to myself. I had given and cooked and served and tended to and loved and listened to everyone who needed it over my five day weekend including a dog that lived temporarily at my house.

Once I had Ren on the phone, I could barely articulate why I was so exhausted. All I could do was cry and tell her I had nothing left – that I was empty.

Ordinarily I would have called Young Stud. He has been there for me emotionally in ways some of my friends will never understand. There is a level of trust there that is unbreakable. He has proven himself to me over and over again just by his integrity alone. He is a man whose arms I feel completely safe in. At 11 p.m on a Sunday after a long weekend, I wasn’t sure he’d answer and I needed someone to answer my call.

I wasn’t searching for someone to fix me. I needed someone to care…about me. Only me. For just a few minutes I needed to be the center of the world. I needed to cry and I wanted so badly to be held while I did it, I’d have driven to the ends of the earth to get it.

I am always strong for everyone else. Sometimes it feels like I take hit after hit in life and have no choice but to stand strong because I have to (especially now that I have Auburn Aries) when all the while I’m crying inside.

This was only my third Thanksgiving without my Mom. It’s the first one without my brother Jim. I missed my parents and my brothers who’ve passed on so much it hurt. I missed the crazy camaraderie that is my family. The laughter, the stories, the drunkenness, the arguing, the grazing. I haven’t heard, nor will I ever again, the sound of all my family’s voices in one room. God how I miss that. I feel so alone.

For five days I couldn’t keep up with dishes – they seemed to stay stacked up all weekend regardless of how many times I loaded the dishwasher. Plastic water bottles piled up faster than I could carry them out to the recycle bin. I would just put food away and it would be time to eat again. I would settle in to study only to have Aries interrupt me to ask what I was doing. I was jealous because Toddy had the freedom to go out and have a few drinks sans responsibilities and I didn’t. I couldn’t get the laundry done.

I walked past my altar time and time again, each time it spoke to me more loudly than the last. I needed to meditate. I need to burn some incense and center myself. I needed to sit still and feel the earth beneath me. I couldn’t. There was no way I was going to get enough quiet to find what I needed.

I’m wound so god damned tight it’s going to take me hours to disentangle. And quite frankly, I have too much shit to do at my house.

What I need is to get laid. I need to have hours of unadulterated sex with someone who can keep up. I need to be worn out. It always pulls my shoulders down away from my ears and helps me breath. I need the clarity that follows it.

Then I need to be left alone – to do a ritual, to meditate, to listen to music – classical music or something new age (lyric free) while I don’t talk to anyone. That’s right, I want to use someone for their body and their talent and then send them away. I’m being selfish.

Funny thing is, I say that however sitting on the couch with someone to hold me while we watch a movie would probably equal that of an intense session o’ sex. There’s got to be something in my future…sex, being held, or a good flogging. All opposite ends of the spectrum, I know…but I’m a complex woman. Just go with it.

Monday, November 28, 2005

At 21, he's more than legal

While dining at Red Robin with Auburn Aries and my friend Tall Girl:

AP: [I don’t know what prompted me saying this but…] Maybe the dingo ate your bay-bay.

AA: What?

AP: It was a Seinfeld episode where they were at a party on Long Island and Elaine was fed up with a woman who kept yammering about how she couldn’t find her fiancé. She kept saying how her fiancé was missing and how she couldn’t find her baby, meaning her boyfriend. Elaine said, “Maybe the dingo ate your bay-bay.” It was from a movie called “A Cry in the Dark.” Eh, nevermind.

AA: [Pulls her cheeks wide apart] Maybe the Flintstones ate your bay-bay.

AP: [Dies laughing and tries to tell Auburn Aries that it was DINGO not FlintSTONES and the difference between the two.]

Continuing with the restaurant story. Our server was this tall, built, attractive young buck whose name was…um, it was… crap his arms were huge and strong…his name though.. it was… his ass was firm and muscular. Crap, I know he had a name tag on… At least I think he had a name tag on.

Anyhoo, Tall Girl was captivated by his appearance (though I can’t imagine why) and felt the urge to strike up a conversation with Hard Body.

TG: Say, we have a bet going [we did not have a bet going nor was I aware she was going to use this tactic]. How old are you?

HB: How old do you think I am?

TG: 23?

HB: [turns to me] How old do YOU think I am?

AP: 28

HB: I turned 21 last April.

AP: [thinks to herself… DAMN]

TG: 21! You could be my child…

HB: [laughs and starts to walk away]

AP: [turns to him and says] You’re old enough to be my LOVER.

TG: [laughs]

AP: What are doin’ sayin’ shit like that?!?! That’s not the mental image you want him to have about you – that you’re old enough to be his mother! Good gawd. Sensual older woman, yes. Mother-figure, no.

Later that afternoon I was telling Hot Toddy about the boring, blasé server hot, built server, sparing no details (for Toddy’s benefit of course) at which point Aries pipes up:

AA: [speaking to me] Hey, I thought you were gay. Why are you checkin’ out guys?

AP: I’m gay, I’m not dead! I can still appreciate a fine lookin’ man. Besides, I was doing it for Toddy’s benefit.

AA: Yeah, right.

Of course, I probably have her Dad to thank for her current state of mind with regard to sex. She found his porn collection the last time she was there.

AA: ...And we opened this bag that I thought was full of my old Barbies and there were videos inside. So [my niece] pulled one out and it said "Slippery When Wet" on the cover.

AP: Oh, shit. What did you do?

AA: Well, we flipped it over and looked at the back.

AP: What was on it?

AA: A...guy... and he was [starts giggling] sticking his penis in the girls.....[covers mouth and appears grossed out] vagina.

AP: Nice. Well, I was hoping it'd be a while before you saw that kind of thing. Remember the talk we had about the birds and the bees? That's how the sperm gets inside to get to the egg.

AA: That's GROSS, Mom.

AP: You think it's gross now, it won't seem gross when you're older. Just do me one favor. When you're finally ready to do that, make sure the guy has on a condom.

AA: You mean a penis baggy?

AP: Yes.

AA: Well, I can't believe Dad has those sex movies. He came in and saw the bag out and said "ooops, that bag is mine" and walked out with it. I guess this explains why Dad is so desperate, huh?

AP: [mental note to self: never tell Aries it was YOU who ordered all those tapes]

Fortunately for me, she's forgotten about the time she opened up the drawer to my nightstand and found all my "friends" all lined up in a row. She was four at the time and I was cooking dinner.

AA: Mom, come here I have to ask you something.

AP: What is it Aries, I'm right in the middle of dinner.

AA: Just come on please.

We walk into my bedroom and I felt my stomach start to tighten. We continued around the foot of my bed toward the "passenger" nightstand. There before me was the drawer pulled all the way out.

AA: What are THOSE?

AP: Why are you going through the drawers in my bedroom?

AA: I don't know. But what ARE those?

AP: Aries, if you can't respect Mommy's things and stay out of my stuff, you're not going to be able to watch TV in here anymore.

I closed the drawer and prayed she'd never make the connection between all the various sized latex dildos and the only penis she had ever seen which was her Dad's. I knew I couldn't use the old "neck massager" story because none of mine (at the time) vibrated.

She's never asked me about the dildos since and I am grateful. I'm not ready to have the "Mommy pleases herself" conversation yet.

As Tall Girl pointed out during lunch, "She'll be the most educated kid in sex ed class. 'I know what that does and what the name of that is and how you do that.' With you as her Mom, how could she not be?

As of this writing, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad one!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Go eight steps down the hall

Aries Dialogue

AA: Mommy, I want to do gymnastics and learn how to play the guitar.

AP: If You want to take guitar lessons, I’ll buy you a guitar and you can try it out. I think you’d probably like being able to play an instrument.

AA: It’s cheaper than a piano.

AP: It is – but if you want to play piano I’ll need a little more time to plan THAT purchase.

AA: What about gymnastics?

AP: Honey, if you want to take gymnastics to be more flexible or to get better balance or to just learn some fun stuff, I’m all for you taking gymnastics. I just don’t want you to go into it thinking you could compete.

AA: Why couldn’t I compete?

AP: Girls who compete in gymnastics are always stick people and you and I aren’t built like stick people. We never will be.

AA: [long pause] Thaaaaat’s not very encouraging. It’s true…but it’s not an encouraging thing to say. It isn’t about winning, Mom.

AP: [ouch – on both counts, i.e., her point and for dialing my ass in like that without even realizing she’s done it]

Aries Dialogue, Part Two

In the front windshield of my car, positioned on the glass behind my rearview mirror was a static sticker of a rainbow peace sign. It’s been in that same place on my last two cars. At one point this last summer, I took it down. Since I already have both a rainbow sticker and Leather Pride colors in my back window I figured there was no need to be gay all day at both ends of my car. Well, that and another reason which I won’t share.

Anyhoo, Auburn Aries was in the front seat of my car and chose to ask me about it

AA: What was right there [pointing the outline where the sticker was located]

AP: That peace sign rainbow sticker.

AA: Why did you take it off?

AP: It was slightly crooked.

AA: You could have just straightened it. You know, you “slightly” have OCD.

AP: How do you know what OCD is?

AA: Because you’re just like Elektra. Don’t you remember when she put that stuff on the kitchen counter and how she counted how many steps it took to get places in her house? You’re exactly like that. You can totally get through our whole house in the blackest dark. See, you ARE, you’re just like Elektra.

How in the hell did she get all of that out of my taking down a sticker??? Okay, maybe I'm a little OCD about certain things but just like Elektra? Hmm....I wish.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Smarties Pants

I know it’s after the fact, but I have to share some Halloween stories.

Toddy and I went to C.C. Slaughter’s the Saturday before Halloween. We hooked up with Pony and Chopper and The Professor and his partner The Mathematician. I just have to say that The Professor and The Mathematician are one of the hottest gay couples I’ve seen together in a long time. More on that later…

Toddy was dressed as an angel. For those of you who just spewed your coffee, it’s true. Though by all outward appearances it was the perfect costume, those of us who know Toddy and that devilish side know better.

He was dressed in a white tux with rhinestone lapels and collar, and a white shirt and poised above his head, a pink fluffy halo.

I was dressed in a white tank top with my boobs perched beneath it (thank you Victoria’s Secret) under a low cut, loosely crocheted pullover with a V neck. As we left the car, Toddy took what would have been his angel wings and put them on me. And for those of you who know ME… I don’t think an angel would be the best way to describe me.

Anyhoo, the costumes were great, some outrageous and some silly (like Angel wings). Some were just hot. Like Pony’s boyfriend Chopper – shirtless with his nakedness painted camouflage.

We did a lot of the usual standing around, laughing, conversing. Not much different than other times spent at C.C.’s, except when The Professor and The Mathematician came in we all about fell off our chairs. Wow.

The Professor was dressed in a matching red vinyl mini skirt and halter top and the hottest pair of CFMBs I’ve ever seen. For those of you unfamiliar with our world…Come Fuck Me Boots. They were the toughest pair of red vinyl knee high, lace up, 6-inch heeled boots I think I’ve ever seen.

Above the boots the tightest, muscliest (is that a word?) thighs. Not to mention his muscle bound shoulders and arms and biceps and... And he has the most beautiful, soft dreads all the way down his back.. Breathtaking.

By his side, his partner was dressed similarly in black… The Mathematician has the most beautiful bone structure in his face. His blonde hair was spiked and he, too, revealed a beautiful taut body. Looking into his eyes reveals a piece of his spirit. He’s a great guy. Together these two are very pretty together.

We all gathered around our usual end of the bar (I know, unbelievable that we have a “usual” area at the bar) and were talking when Hot Toddy reached into the pumpkin head bowl and grabbed out a roll of Smarties.

He stood, childlike, carefully untwisting the ends. It was as though no one else in the bar existed. He searched with anticipation for the edge of the plastic. Gently he pulled it open. He laid the open roll of Smarties in his palm.

It was at this moment that my angel wings were supposed to be revoked. Having watched him the entire time, I had obtained the attention of everyone in our group and pointed out the determination and childlike quality of Toddy’s actions. We all stood there watching.

I walked up to Toddy and said, “What’cha doin?” As he started to answer, I transferred my Margarita into my left hand and with one quick snap, popped him on the bottom of his Smartie-bearing hand and Smarties went flying EVERYWHERE.

I believe it was at this moment that he told me how much he adored me and the friendship I’ve blessed him with… Or something like that.

My actions only served to set the tone for the next 20 minutes.

Todd grabbed another tube of Smarties and with a loving, gentle look in his face said something like I Love You dear friend or stay away from me you bitch – I forget which. Laughing, I stepped back and left him to his desire.

Which apparently at this point was to be mean to Pony. See, Pony had just been delivered a new bottle of beer. Toddy quickly and attempting to not get caught reached over and dropped a Smartie into the top of Pony’s beer bottle.

Pony had his back turned. The rest of us stood there in amazement and watched as the candy caused the beer to foam up. In slow motion, foam bubbled out the top of the bottle. Todd was giggling so hard he couldn’t stop. With Pony engaged in a conversation, Toddy finally got his attention and pointed to the beer.

Pony snatched up his half-drank bottle and clutched it close to his chest all while shooting his Pony-evil-eye trying to make us feel bad. Didn’t work but it was a good effort on his part.

With Toddy armed and dangerous he proceeded to throw Smarties at people. There was one guy who was quite a bit shorter than Todd (who isn’t) and Todd simply hovered his hand above this poor guys head and dropped Smarties on him. The poor buy couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. And I’m sure we all looked innocent as we watched Todd drop them, would start laughing and then turn our heads away.

Then there was Toddy’s sideways attempt to flirt with The Toddtender – who by the way was dressed as the devil… my lord… yummy. Face painted red, devil horns, red cape, jock strap. Thick muscles and body hair – the best devil EVER. Where was I again…?

Oh yeah, WE almost got in trouble for something TODDY did by hucking a Smartie at The Toddtender. He thought WE were throwing ice and WE weren’t throwing anything.. Toddtender, IT WAS HOT TODDY WHO WAS THROWING SMARTIES AT YOU, NOT ME.

Moving on… Toddy then felt it necessary to try and bean me with those damn things. Surprisingly enough, it only took one. There I stood amidst conversation with My Boys when I felt this thing hit in my between my breasts. I looked up amazed and said, “You did NOT just throw that?!”

What I saw when I looked up was Toddy’s mouth hanging open, completely SHOCKED he made it on the first try.

I grabbed my tank and pulled it down and open slightly to show Todd that he had, indeed, nailed it when I heard this quiet, sexy voice say “Would you like me to get that for you?” I glanced over to see The Mathematician smiling at me waiting for my answer.

Well, seriously, what’s a girl to say to THAT offer? He had just been inducted into our family. Of course, I was going to let him get it. Hmm, kinda makes me sound slutty. Oh well.

I leaned forward and The Mathematician put that talented tongue of his to work. Now in all fairness, I need to point out that I’m a lesbian (shush up, everyone who knows me better). The artistic workings of the tongue is a lesbian’s forte. Therein lies the power. I’m here to testify that The Professor is one lucky bastard to have a man with such talent in his bed.

The Mathematician shut me up, right now. Talk about sensual. If I recall correctly my mouth fell open and my eyes grew large while I tried not to notice how good he was a Smartie retrieval.

Later that evening, I had the opportunity to dance (sandwiched in between) The Professor and The Mathematician on a sensual song that the DJ played. My god… these two men are so hot. I don’t think I’ll forget that dance anytime soon. If I could find a straight man who could move like that, I’d marry him tomorrow (so long as he lets me keep a female lover on the side).

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Spiritual Mumbo Jumbo

As I was waiting on my tea this morning, I checked the thermometer on the deck. It was 27 degrees outside. The weatherman spoke of dense fog and patches of ice. The ODOT traffic guy warned morning commuters of the potential for accidents. The day was young and crisp. Sunlight was still creeping its way toward the foot of Mt. Hood and was yet to be seen. I’ve come to realize that dense fog means sunshine once it burns off and I was looking forward to a cold, sunlit day.

I dropped Auburn Aries off at school. Once she gets out of my car, I roll down the passenger window and we do our usual morning exchange as she walks toward the front steps of the school.

AA: Be unflappable, Mommy
AP: I’ll be unflappable if you will
AA: Okay, I’ll be unflappable then
AP: [placing a peace-sign made with my right hand over my heart] Peace in your heart, Little One.
AA: [placing a peace-sign over her heart] Peace in your heart, Mommy

With that, I drive away from the school watching her in my rearview mirror to make sure she gets inside before I actually pull away.

The sunlight had already made its way through the fog. I reached into my laptop bag for my Oakleys. As the darkness of winter approaches, I cling tight-fisted to each sun break for soon they will be gone until spring.

I awoke this morning to the tug of extremely strong spiritual cords as well. I could feel Young Stud before his eyes were even open. I could feel Daddy D. It was stronger than usual which served to remind me I need to be somewhat guarded today since I was nothing more than a huge receiver for emotion and all things spiritual.

I drove to work listening to music and feeling great. As I approached a red light, standing on the corner was a girl around 10 years old. She was wearing a knit cap and gloves and had a scarf wrapped around her neck.

She was crying.

I took a double take to make sure she wasn’t just squinting from the bright morning sun. A little girl crying on a busy corner is not normal. She was definitely crying. Her pain pierced into me like a sword. I don’t know what caused her pain but she was distraught.

Where was this girl’s Mom? Why was she walking alone to school? Are people so gawd damn naïve that they actually let their cute little daughters walk to school alone? Do these idiots not watch the fucking news? Hell college students turn up missing. You turn your back for a moment and that’s it - no second chance, no taking your 10 year old to school ever again. As long as I draw breath, Aries will never walk to school alone. Ever.

I am so cognizant that it only takes one moment, one wacko, one mistake and she’d be gone forever. My life would be over.

The little girl on the corner was away from home and her Mother probably had no idea she was hurting. Or did she? Was it possible her Mom could be a big enough disconnected asshole to actually send her daughter on her way to school alone, while she’s emotionally unstable and needs someone there for her? Was it something at home that was troubling her? Had someone hurt her? Was she scared?

I tried to process the feed I was getting from the little girl as quickly as I could, but I couldn’t get any images from her. Nothing was clear. There was only pain.

I needed to stop my car and check on her but I was on the inside lane, the light turned green and I was amidst traffic. I tried to get over, to no avail.

I lingered just long enough to see a minivan with what looked like two women in it pull up to her. I felt a sigh come over me. It wasn’t mine, it was the little girl's. It was tentative but released nonetheless. Her school was nearby, I did know that.

It occurred to me at that moment that in as much as the woman in the minivan pulled up to help, what good could it have actually done? Though I felt relief on some level, it’s also the one thing we tell our children not to do. Don’t speak to strangers. People who pull up in next to you in cars are likely to grab you so run away.

They are all pearls of wisdom but seriously… if someone tries to abduct your kid and your kid gets away they are supposed to run to the first person they see who looks “trustworthy” to get help. I can pretty much guarantee you that person will be a stranger. That then begs the question of how do you tell “good strangers” from “bad strangers.”

I felt immediately angry. Frustrated. Hell, I don’t know. I was overwrought with a flood of emotion. This world has become such a fucked up place that decent, compassionate people like myself who see a little girl that needs help don’t feel comfortable helping her because it would frighten her. Who should she trust?

There are so many freaks and addicts and low-lifes that suck the humanity out of our existence that people like you and I stand alone, strapped down, involuntarily bound from random acts of kindness. Trust but don’t trust. Love but be careful who you love. Give but don’t give too much.

I’m done. I’m tired of hearing about it. I may only be one person and my contribution may never make a difference to anyone other than my daughter, but she will be raised believing that there is good in people and being caring and loving and giving and compassionate carries its own rewards.

It’s time we, the compassionate part of the human race, step up our random acts of kindness until we squeeze out the trash in the world. It’s an uphill battle and I know it, but we need to believe in each other again. Human decency should be the norm, not the other way around.

Had I been able to get to that little girl this morning, I would have. Knowing me, I probably would have given her my business card so that she could let her parents know this nice lady stopped to see if she was okay. At least they could have called to make sure I was normal…

It’s time to increase our random acts of kindness until people start believing in human decency again. It’s time to be the light of the Universe until we can fix what’s broken. Whether it’s in this life or the next.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Young Stud, My Hero

I called in sick to work Tuesday. Though I have been fighting a bit of a cold, my calling in sick was more about needing to take care of some things around the house. I had an appraiser coming by at 3 p.m. and wanted the house to be looking great.

I was “this close” to having the office completely painted and staying home was the only way it was going to get done.

After I dropped Aries off at school, I visited with Hot Toddy before he left for work. My day was somewhat flipped up on its edge, however, when he pointed out that there was standing water on the downstairs kitchen floor.

It had been raining non-stop all morning. I looked around downstairs and couldn’t figure out from where the water came. Hot Toddy had put a towel down to soak up the water so I figured I’d get to it later.

I headed upstairs and started my painting when I felt a small splat of water hit my arm. I looked up to find a leak coming in from the roof that was running down the interior wall of my office.

I called my nephew who is a home contractor who told me to get someone to clean out my downspouts and the valleys of the roof. He indicated that given the storm in which we were firmly planted, it was no surprise ponding water was finding its way inside.

In tears, I hung up the phone not knowing what to do. Well, that’s not so much true. I called Young Stud. I told him of my dilemma. He asked how he could help and I told him that I needed him to come over and check my roof and clean out my downspouts.

And bless his heart he did just that. He left work at 9:15 a.m. and came out to my house. He threw on a pair of sweats and my Helly Hansen rain gear and up the ladder he went.

With a push broom and in pounding rain he swept off the asston of pine needles that my nine 150’ trees dropped this fall. With hands like ice, he unclogged my downspouts. He cleared both valleys on my roof and water was once again flowing where it was supposed to be which was not inside my house.

Once we both had a chance to dry off, we were sitting in the kitchen talking. I looked across the kitchen counter and saw someone who is a true friend. Someone who came when I called him and needed help. He did for me what I always try to do for those close to me.

I am such an independent woman and am so used to doing things for myself that I rarely ask for help. It’s not something that I am comfortable doing. In fact, I guilt myself a great deal by even needing to ask for help. I don’t like admitting I’m vulnerable (even though people know I am).

Tuesday was one of those days that I wished more than anything I wasn’t afraid of heights to the degree I am. Not only was I going to have to call Young Stud for help (though I know he didn’t mind) I had to call for help because I’m a big, fat chicken shit when it comes to heights. A homeowner who can’t get on her own roof. Nice.

That being said, thank you, Young Stud, for coming to my rescue. Not only are you easy on the eyes, you’re a man among men. I'm glad I have you in my life.