Wednesday, May 25, 2005

HTTO is bored with my week old post

Hot Toddy... Apparently nothing has happened in your life since May 19.

Auburn Pisces... This is the worst week EVER!

Auburn Pisces... What shall I write about.

Hot Toddy... Me

Auburn Pisces... None of my material feels good enough lately. May I write about you?

Hot Toddy... Always. It is the only thing I really like reading about. Unless you write about Thor. I like reading about him too.

And a blog was born…

Apparently I was drunk on Saturday night to the point of being silly. It's actually The Handsome Prince's fault. If he would have kept his birthday a secret from me, that would have helped.

Once back at The Vortex and well into the evening, Hot Toddy gave me timelines to the amount and allotted time I had to consume the drink in front me. He also said Sexy Girl had to drive my car to get me home because he didn't want me behind the wheel. What a good "Dad." (control freak:).

I guess I must have been too drunk to think about sobering up to drive myself home. Go figure.

The Math Whiz said I was cute and that I reminded him of Auburn Aries I was giggling so much.

I certainly wish the events of the evening were clearer in my mind. I'd like to have the ability to still giggle about the memory rather than hear about it. Either way, it's still fun though.

I'm heading to L.A. tomorrow. I'm taking Auburn Aries to Disneyland. Fairy Godmother is joining us. There is no way in hell I'm rolling the dice with my sanity by spending four days in L.A. with an eight year old. Fairy Godmother is my cushion! Thank Goddess!

I am hooking up with my soul sister, Pua, while I'm down there. She truly feels like my sister from another mother and I am very excited to hang with her and The Mister and The Fam. OC Vortex, here I come.

I know that while I am out of town, Thor will find someone something to busy himself with. Hopefully it will be someonesomething Hot. The winds have changed in the burbs and I am really enjoying the Hot Toast that's now available. Though I'm not much of a toast connoisseur, I'm certain that Thor is.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Maker's Mark & Captain Morgan's is better when you earn it!

Last night I had a date with Sexy Girl. After much deliberation and soul searching about mistakes that I had made, I realized I couldn’t just walk away until we gave this one more chance to succeed. Though there were red flags, I cannot blame her for everything and the need to be accountable for my own actions took over.

I am not an easy person to be with at times. At least I don’t think so. I am a 42 year old woman with an opinion a mile wide and a stubborn streak to match it. Though I am honest to a fault, I can also be quick with the temper and take someone out at the knees before thinking something through. My mouth engages before my brain has time to process and my honesty sometimes hurts those around me.

That night when Sexy Girl upset me, I didn’t talk to her like a sane person would. I stood there with my prior-relationship baggage firmly in hand and blasted her, making her pay for mistakes my exes had made. Though I’m not saying she was innocent in the exchange that took place, we also hadn’t known each other long enough for her to know my triggers.

Rather than explain to her how her behavior was negatively effecting me, I threw her out.

If I were to live my life as though I were dying (Goddess forbid) this would be one of the things I felt I needed to sort out. As a result, Sexy Girl and I recently engaged in conversation and I liked what I heard. Apparently we had both done some soul searching.

Since Toddy has some free time on his hands, he and Thor offered to baby sit Aries for me while on a date with Sexy Girl. What a treat this was for me. I don’t have to pay a babysitter $5 an hour to eat my food and dirty my house. Worst case scenario, I’ll have to put the whiskey glasses in the dishwasher and put the empty Maker’s Mark & Captain Morgan’s bottles in the recycling bin on the deck!

Toddy and Aries and Thor devised a secret plan. A plan she never revealed to me. She was thrilled to see me leave the house.

I went on what proved to be a fantastic date. We laughed. We talked. We communicated about the things that needed to be said. No feelings were hurt. Understandings were made. A do-over was in the works.

Upon returning home, I went in to kiss my little, sleeping angel good night. Except she wasn’t sleeping. She was WIDE AWAKE. Nowhere near sleep. When I asked her what she was still doing awake, she sprung from the bed with excitement coursing through her little body.

She took me by the hand, “Come see Mommy, close your eyes.” I closed my eyes and she guided me down the hall. She flipped on the light in her TV Room and there it was. Her room had been transformed from chaos to a children’s museum. “This was our secret, Momma. Do you like it?”

All I could do was stand there in disbelief. I was moved beyond words. My boys and Auburn Aries spent their evening redoing her room. It was absolutely perfect. For the first time in my life, I wished I were a gay man. Only gay men could have done this room the justice it deserved. I praised her and attempted to put her back to bed.

I walked toward the back deck in search of Hot Toddy and Thor. With the room looking the way it did and knowing what it takes to get it like that, I knew they had to be unwinding with a smoke and a drink. As I cut through the kitchen, I was stopped by a glare. My kitchen had been cleaned as well. I wasn’t sure what to feel, guilt or thankful. Perhaps both were in order.

When I talked to the boys they told me of their evening. They spoke of the fun they had had with Auburn Aries. When Aries called for me as I knew she would, I told her I had been out talking to the boys listening to them tell me how much fun they had hanging with her. She leaned toward me touching her ear, “Are my ears broken or did I just hear what you said?” All I could do was laugh.

Thor and Hot Toddy mean so much to her. They are her family. She trusts them and she loves them.

I had, without a doubt, one of the nicest evenings I’ve had in a while. I was on a wonderful date, the Patron was great, the dinner superb, Sexy Girl was wonderful, I didn’t worry once about my kid or the house, I didn’t have to keep checking my cell phone, Aries bonded with the boys, her TV room was clean, Hot Toddy had cleaned my kitchen. It was an evening I didn’t want to end so I rolled with it until 4:30 this morning.

I have heard some of the stories from each of the three. Good Lord, the stories. But the one thing that sticks in my mind was the validation I received from my best friend. One little sentence. “I have a whole new respect for you, Auburn Pisces. I don’t know how you do it.”

I have a family. With the exception of Aries, they are not my relatives. They are better. They are my blood. Hot Toddy, Thor, The Handsome Prince, The Math Whiz – they have touched my life in a way that is indescribable. We are woven together like fabric, each of them bringing the color my world lacked.

Thank you, Guys for caring so much for me and for giving me one of the greatest gifts anyone has ever given me. A night out and a cleaned house. And welcome to the joys of parenting, you better put your seatbelt on!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Tender Hearts

Once in a while you get thrown a curve ball that will brush you back off the plate. Though you know these people or events in life are unavoidable, they nevertheless cease to surprise you when they happen.

You think everything is going just as it should be and then something unfolds that catches you off guard and leaves you wondering. Wondering whether or not you’re doing the right thing; wondering whether or not what you’ve done was or is the right thing; wondering if there are ever truly, clear answers.

Sometimes you have to follow your heart, which may go against the opinions of those with whom you are close. Sometimes you just have to find out for yourself what truly lies beneath.

Things are not always what they appear to be when based on an outward appearance. After five and a half years of therapy, I have come to realize that you should never make assumptions about a person’s insides (heart) by the way they appear on the outside.

It took me a long time to learn to harness that knee jerk reaction.

I have recently watched my best friend, Hot Toddy, travel the echelon’s of emotion as he tried to figure out his heart. I have listened as Fairy Godmother has done the same with her recently ended relationship of five years (and all that that implies) and being faced with dating again. I am currently amidst my own processing as I try to sort out where I am at with Sexy Girl.

Your heart doesn’t always follow your mind. Translation: Logic may not always win over emotion and vice versa.

Whatever the decision you make, you run the risk of being hurt or hurting someone. Conversely, you also run the risk of being very happy by being true to your heart. You’ll never know which, however, until you step outside your comfort zone and grow as a human being.

For those of you I love who are figuring it all out (including myself), you’re not alone. With risk there is growth regardless of the outcome.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Abstract thoughts

Images of her dance through my mind
It's as though I've looked at the sun too long.
I can hear her voice saying my name
And it lands upon my heart like music.
I find myself afraid that I've lost what might have been
But am paralyzed by the fear that it won't change.
I struggle with knowing I may never feel her touch
Or feel admiration like that again.
And I wonder if those feelings are strong enough
To allow me to put my heart out there once more.
Life is a series of experiences, a mix of good and bad
And as I stand here at this crossroads,
I find trust is beyond my reach.
I know not which way to turn..

All I can do is pray to my Goddesses
and trust the answers will come, in time.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Happy Mother's Day to Me

Today Auburn Aries had a Mother's Day Event planned in her second grade class. It was from 9:00 - 9:50 a.m. 9:50...what's that all about? As the Moms and Grandmas entered the classroom, the teacher called the student's name at which point Aries walked up to me and took my hand. "You're seat is right here, Mommy" as she scooted the chair closer to her. I started to tear up the minute she approached me.

Being a Mom is the most rewarding thing in the world. It's also the hardest job I've ever had. Ever.

Aries unfolded a napkin and placed it on her desk in front of me. "Would you care for a cookie?" Though I'm not a sugar for breakfast kind of girl, I graciously accepted. She took one cookie and put it before me. I was shocked as hell to notice she didn't grab one for herself. Kids never pass up cookies. This was proof this day was just for me!

She sat next to me again and handed me a cut out picture of a tea cup that she had colored. She stapled another to the back and inside was a tea bag and a chocolate swizzel with a mint center (ew). Then she said she wanted to read something to me.

She picked up what looks like a placemat. It was laminated so it will last forever (or so I'm told). It read:

Dear Mom,

You are special because you help me when I'm sick. You are so special to me. You are there for me alot. So I want to be there for you. And do not, I say, do not ever change. I love you. xxxooo.

My favorite thing about you is that you are there for me. When I'm sick you took the day off for me. So I wouldn't get any sicker. Like I said last time, don't ever change.

Thank you for all the care you have done for me in all my life. You have had me these past eight years. You have done an awesome job at being my Mom. Thank you.

McKenna Haley Hendrickson
April 28, 2005

(Yes, it's worthy of her real name for the purposes of this post).

As she read it to me, I was touched. My heart ached. I couldn't have loved this little girl any more than I did at that moment. My eyes had swelled with tears. I was trying to fight them back so I wouldn't screw up my makeup.

She looked up and me to see my reaction.

"Mommy, today is all about tears so it's okay to cry."

The kids were then called out into the hallway and brought in in groups. She was in the "Prom" group. They danced around as the teacher read a poem to us Mom's, as she did with each group.

We sat and visited and had lemonade. She kept a hold of my hand and would occassionally lay her head on my shoulder and tell me she loves me.

Before I left, she took me outside the back door to her classroom to give me my Mother's Day gift. There, in a leather Fossil purse I had in the closet for years, one that I had given her for this occasion, were plants. She had made a pot out of the purse.. My leather purse. The one I paid a hundred damn dollars for years ago that I didn't know was going to be turned into a planter.

There were a couple of chicken-and-hen plants and others that I know by sight and not name. It was full of plants. The leather was soaked all the way through and after I did my minor shutter at the sight of my leather purse turned potted plant, I looked up to see her - standing proud, smiling from ear-to-ear.

"Happy Mother's Day, Mommy. Do you like it?"

"I love it, Baby. But I'll never love it as much as I love you."

For every time that little shit has made me crazy, and for every time she's sassed me and flipped my trigger, and for every time she's left her room a pig sty and not cleaned it, I forgive you little one. I love you, too.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

This, too, did pass

She was here and then she was gone. Thanks to good ol' brass-ovaried Auburn Pisces, the great sex is gone. I tried, but I couldn't do it. Oh, the sex part I did splendidly, but the relationship stuff...THAT I struggled with.

Sexy Girl was many things that I hadn't had in my last couple of partners. Conversely, she also displayed many things that caused me to dig my heels in. I'm thinkin' my dyke boots need to be resoled.

Though my attraction for her is nowhere near gone, I cannot help but have the place where that attraction lived replaced by concern. She doesn't want me to end it. She's essentially begging me to take her back. No essentially...she IS begging me to take her back. She wants the opportunity to prove she's worthy of a second chance. What kind of person doesn't give someone a second chance? I mean, isn't that part of compassion and believing in people?

Problem with that is, I've spent my entire life believing in people - believing they would do the right thing if given a second chance. The clincher on that proposition is when they don't come through you're left wishing you hadn't trusted them in the first place. You become bitter and alienated toward that person and are left to deal with your emotion.

This time, no matter how cute she is and how great the sex is, I need to be strong enough to say no. I have to stick to my boundaries.

Sexy Girl questioned everything I did as though she didn't believe me. I am unaccustomed to being questioned. If I answered the phone with just a Hello when she called, she was disappointed that even though I saw it was her on the caller ID I wasn't more affectionate with my salutation. She actually told me the other night, while standing in my dining room ironing and talking to Thor, that if I didn't like what she was saying maybe I should leave the room. In my own house. Can you believe that? I responded by telling her she was this close to being permanently uninvited to my house.

She bossed me in my own damn house... Oh, HELL no.

She moved too switfly for me. You can't enjoy the get to know you stage while building a foundation when one of the people is talking about marrying you in three years. Good Gawd. After ten days, I don't even know what her bad habits are yet. Maybe she scratches herself and peels bananas with her feet. How the hell would I know until some times passes. And once those I Love You's start flying around, well, you can't unring that bell and it makes it a bazillion times harder to break up once those words are spoken. Love is supposed to be unconditional. So you damn well better be sure before you jump off that bridge.

There is a part of me who wants to believe her. Who wants to see what she can pull out of her hat. The stakes are just so high for me that I am unwilling to take that chance. Auburn Aries does not deserve to walk down another path with another partner of mine only to find someone else has walked out of her life.

When I told Aries about her, she was concerned. She said that nobody loves kids and that I've had mean partners. Though her comment cut to the bone, she was right. It didn't start out that way, but very well ended up that way. I thought I knew these women when, in fact, they never bought into the package deal of mother and daughter. They wanted the mother and tolerated the daughter. I asked her to give Sexy Girl the benefit of the doubt, which she did and they hit it off. This time, however, the red flags are directly related to me and I'm not ignoring them.

I am beautiful and funny and smart and kind and generous and honest and I deserve someone who is up for the ride of a lifetime. Someone who is equal to the task and who gets me. Until that time comes, I'll be in The Vortex with My Boys.

Monday, May 02, 2005

No. Missing. Sneakers!!!

7:00 a.m.

Auburn Aries, 20 minutes till we have to leave...

Aries, 10 minutes till we have to leave...

AA: Mommy, I need help combing my hair. There's food or something in it and I can't do it by myself.

AP: How did food get in your hair? If that happens, you need to say something to me right then. I could have thrown your butt in the tub in the amount of time it's going to take me to get this out. What is it?

AA: It was icing from my birthday cake that Gramma M. gave me yesterday. (effing chocolate fudge cake anyway. Cherry Chip would have NEVER done this).

I fight through cleaning and combing her hair.

AP: Now get your sneakers on and your teeth brushed and let's get out of here.

5 - 7 minutes pass as I gather everything and go outside to warm up the car. She yells from the front door:

AA: Mommy, where are my sneakers? I can't find 'em.

AP: Auburn Aries, why would I know where your sneakers are?

AA: I don't know why, I just need help finding 'em..

AP: Good Lord!!

(I search through the house, including Thor's living room, and cannot find them. Instinctively, Auburn Aries decides to put on her Nike's - which I'm certain are probably too small by now - so I won't come unhinged).

AA: Never mind!!! I'll put on my Nike's.

Then it happened. Every reason we've ever had for running late suddenly boils to the top. Aries gets lectured on not picking up after herself, staying in bed too long, not keeping track of her own things, treating me like a maid, yada yada yada. By the time we got out the door I was irritated beyond belief. I shouldn't start my week off this agitated. What the hell.

I felt terrible about starting her day off poorly by yelling at her but for cryin' in the night, she knows how I am by now. She knows this type of shit pushes my buttons. I detest being late. I get up by 4:30 every morning to enjoy the peace and quiet. It's the only time of the day I get peace and quiet - when my time is truly my own. Only to have Little Aub screw with my harmonious vibe. I know she doesn't mean to but...damn.

I owe her an apology for being so hard on her this morning. And I know I need to put some stronger boundaries and structure in place to keep us on track in the morning. It's going to be the only way to make it work. It just makes me feel so Hitler-like. I am true to Piscean form in this particular arena. I'd rather dream about it than do it.

On the flip side, Sunday morning Sexy Girl and I were on the deck having coffee watching Aries play in the back yard. Thor emerged and was engaging Aries in conversation. It's this type of conversation that really makes me feel like such a schmuck for jacking her.

Thor: Aries, where did you get all those blonde highlights in your hair?

AA: I just came that way.


I spent more time with Sexy Girl this weekend. She is amazing. I love being with her. My only hesitation at this point is that she is in a different place than I am. Though I feel ready to date again and would love a steady relationship, I also know how independent I am and how much I like the groove I have worked out for myself. I'm on the take-it-slow-and-enjoy-the-ride plan while she's in a bit of a more advanced state than that I. Any time I've brought up the fact that I am not in a hurry, her feelings tend to get hurt as though I'm trying to pull away.

She's a Capricorn. I'm going to have to study up on this particular sign. Though The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need says it's a good match, I have some figuring-out to do. I'm laid back (until I get fired up about something) and I'm thinking the laid back nature of Pisces might not be that to which the planner in a Capricorn is accustomed. But this is the fun part - getting to know each other.

I've sought guidance from Juju who is a Capricorn. And from Carlita whose "hubby" is a Capricorn. They have both shared very insightful thoughts on the subject. Offerings that have actually already helped me.

Any way you slice it, I'm up for the challenge and am having a fantastic time...bad Mom or not!