I feel like a mess today. Not in the physical sense like my hair’s messed up or my clothes are disheveled. I feel like my life is out of control. I know it isn’t but I’m just having one of those days.
As the cost of living in Portland increases (yes, our gas prices are one of the highest in the nation) I watch my hard earned cash fly out the door. It never seems I have enough. Thing about it is, I make great money. I just poorly manage it. I never used to though. After my relationship with Daddy D ended, it’s like the poison that was our relationship continues to linger in my life. Some days I can’t seem to catch a break.
Money is tight this Christmas. I knew it was tight going into this commercialized season of giving. I can’t wait until Auburn Aries is just a little older and we can take vacations at Christmas instead of getting sucked into this whirlwind.
Regardless of how tight my money is right now, it still didn’t prevent me from helping out a friend. This particular person has three children and currently isn’t working because she’s taking care of her Mom who is terminally ill. Caring for someone who is terminal the most genuine act of love there is.
So I gave her money a few days ago. She tried to refuse it but I wouldn’t let her. There was a fleeting moment I thought twice about it. I knew it would limit what I was capable of giving to my daughter and then I looked into those beautiful eyes and realized I was being selfish by not helping her give her children some type of Christmas.
After I put the money in her hand, I was reminded of the true spirit of Christmas. I knew I did the right thing.
I walked through my house this morning and muttered a string of expletives at the tremendous amount of clutter everywhere. I can’t take it anymore. This is not how I live yet I seem to lack the discipline to do much about it right now.
Is it possible being melancholy from the holidays (only my third without my Mom) has caught up with me? Have I become so complacent in my life that I’ve lost my motivation? Or have I simply not given enough weight to the fact that a three hour commute every day is kicking my ass and I’m too damn tired to deal with it during the week?
I miss my housekeeper. ‘Nuff said.
This is not who I am. I’m someone who is always on the ball. I stay on top of my bills – not avoid the ones with cellophane windows. I keep a tidy house – not one that I need to apologize for when people come over. I’m a Piscean dreamer who’s usually reading energy and thinking about what will be – not bogged down thinking about how fucked up the things behind me have been.
Who am I and where have I gone?
There is a special woman who is interested in me, and I her. Yet is who I am right now who I want her to see? This isn’t the real me. I’m in here somewhere but will she be able to see it?
I saw a woman this summer for a while. Perhaps one day I’ll tell the story here. I ended up breaking up with here because regardless of the fact that she was heartbreakingly beautiful and I could see a future with her, she had a problem with the fact that I had a daughter and that’s not a path I will travel. It’s a package deal, end of story.
Following that break up and my intense disappointment with the fact that someone could speak that poorly of my child, I kind of threw my hands in the air and started feeling a sense of exasperation toward the prospect of every finding someone who “gets it.” I put on 10 pounds (which I’m currently working on getting rid of) and I concluded I would likely be single for a long time - something with which I am totally okay.
Then, alas, a spark flew and I’m approaching a doorway where I’ve stood before. One of hope and possibilities. Do I reach in and take the hand of this beauty and linger there for a while until I feel like I’m my better self? Is it fair to try to give of myself when I’m not taking very good care of my world right now?
I speak of these things not because I’m depressed and feeling worthless. I simply know I could be and do better and perhaps all it will take is seeing these words on the page to realize I was in here the whole time.
Each of these things is a path before me. I find myself taking hurried steps part of the way down each path but never completing the journey. I will never be successful if I don’t stay the course before me. The answers lie within me and I know this. I need only find the motivation I apparently lack to obtain them.