Dago Girl Missing

It's official... I think I now consider Oregon home. Temperatures reached 102 degrees yesterday. I know that's not a lot compared to Vegas and Death Valley but for Portland, that's pretty effing hot.

I realized yesterday that even though it takes me months to get used to winter and only a day or two to get used to summer heat, I no longer particularly care for it as hot as it was yesterday and today. It was extremely muggy today - the day I decided to wear my Eddie Bauer jeans...of course.

Is it possible I've turned into a big wienie when it comes to 100 degree heat?

I started seeing a therapist again today. I haven't seen one in a couple of years - since Thor lived here. I've been dreaming about him a lot lately. When I told Auburn Aries that I had been dreaming about him, she said I should call and make sure everything was alright. I let her do the honors of leaving the message. I mean, who could seriously ignore a voice that sweet on the phone?

Apparently he could because we never got a call back.

I've decided to sell my house and move into something smaller and I find myself struggling to actually get things packed up even though there is a POD in my driveway. It's not just that either. I seem to be lacking motivation in several areas of my life and need to get to the bottom of it.

Living with depression adds another layer of things to contemplate and deal with and unless I continue to add the tools in my mental and emotional toolbox to deal with it, it takes over my life.

I started seeing a new therapist and really like her. In just a couple hours time, she helped me see more clearly why I've tried to hold onto the house the last couple of years. This big house represents a relationship that I was head over heels for; a relationship that I thought was for the long haul and a future that I thought would take place here.

I ended up buying a house that was more than I could deal with because, well, I didn't think I was going to be keeping it up on my own yet here I am. It's left me questioning true love and relationships and commitment. In as much as those reasons alone should logically be enough to sell this house, I am reminded that once again I do not make logical decisions. I am the Piscean who makes emotional decisions and this is a big one.

At this point, I've made the decision - I just need to act on it, pack this place up and start showing it. Why then do I drag my feet?

My new therapist and I had a long discussion about depression and how it is a very real biological and physiological sickness. She likened it to having pneumonia. If I were sick with pneumonia I wouldn't be able to get up and pack up the house and if I tried, it would lengthen the duration of the illness.

She said that until I get to a place where I start feeling better, wishing it were so and wishing these things around the house would get done aren't going to make it so.

So hopefully I'll be able to whittle on what's going on for me emotionally and I'll begin digging myself out of the mud in which I have become mired. It's a long hard road and if anyone had told me five years ago I'd be one of the lucky ones with depression, I'd have accused them of lying. It's just too bad there's such negative connotations associated with it because it would certainly be nice to know I'm not alone.

Big change...and a Young Stud

Things they are a changin'.

I don't know what seems to be going on in my world. It's a mix I have yet to decipher. On the one hand, my new job is going great. I'm a Sr. Systems Engineer with an emphasis on project architecture and management. I'm being introduced to some things I've not done before which is fantastic.

On the other hand, things in my personal life feel split apart.

The Professor is moving out of Portland. The college where he teaches can't seem to pull their head of out their collective asses enough to offer him tenure. This is a man who is bright, articulate, well-read, street-wise, interested in life, open-minded...the list goes on and on. Yet the powers that be can't see the importance of keeping him and their apparent lack of intelligence is going to send him back home.

I am so devastated by the fact that he's leaving that I tear up at the thought of him leaving. I'm always alone and reflecting on the family when it hits me that he'll no longer be close by. He's become such an important part of us that I cannot imagine him not just being down just down the road.

It's indicative of change that I'm not sure I'm prepared for yet.

I've decided to sell my house. I've teetered with this decision for the last couple of years and have finally realized it's time to move on. The funny thing is as unhappy as I've been with this house (bought it because Daddy D loved it), I found myself standing on the front porch, margarita in hand and feeling sad about the memories that me and Aries have created here that we'll be saying good-bye to. Well, not good-bye but you know what I mean.

I remember the first year I hung lights and Fairy Godmother came over to help me. It was cold and seemed like it took forever and I'm such a damn girl about doing shit like that that I was wholly dependant on FG to guide me through it. It was that same night that my front door decided to stick and we couldn't get back into the house. FG and I ended up busting the door down trying to get in.

We made it back in, but she had to grab finishing nails (yes, I had some) and a hammer to nail the door trim back up. We really busted the door in. I'll never forget the look on Auburn Aries sweet little face when we stood at the sidewalk and looked at the house all lit up. Now I bust out the lights in about an hour by myself and I do it before the neighbors and make them look bad!

I thought about decorating for Christmas with Auburn Aries; I thought about Thor living here and when Toddy fell in love with him and how many laughs (and cocktails) we all shared. I don't know when I've seen more kisses shared. I thought about Young Stud and the time he spent here and me always making sure he had his favorite Whiskey. I thought Toddy living here shouting up the stairs "It's 5 o'clock somewhere, it's cocktail hour." "Okay, Hot, I'll get the shaker." I thought of the comedy we'd watch and tears we shared and support we gave one another.

I thought about the time I spent here with Lorin, that heartbreakingly beautiful creature who I thought was going to be my lifetime commitment only to find out she had a problem with my daughter. She was the one, at least I thought so anyway. It's heartbreaking to find out you're not going to be able to work it out because you have a child. It's not like I could put her back!

I reflected on the dinner parties with The Boys and Pony flicking his olives out of his enchiladas; and Super Bowl parties and when Pua came to visit and stayed for almost a week...it all just came flooding back.

I was talking to my friend Hippy about how even though I knew selling the house was the right thing to do that I felt melancholy about moving again. Then he gave it to me but good:

"What emotion?!!! This isn't an emotional decision. It's a financial and economic decision. You can keep your memories but snap out of it. Get this shit done and move on."

He's a wise man. As a Pisces I often let emotion get the better of me in my decision-making.

On a different note, Auburn Aries came to me two nights ago:

AA: Can we go shopping tomorrow?

AP: Sure, Babe, what do you need?

AA: I need "cup" bras.

AP: "Cup bras?"

AA: Yeah, cause my boobs need cups now not sports bras.

AP: [falls to the floor clutching her chest and kicking her feet screaming "no, no, no, you were just in diapers!!!!"] Sure, Baby, we can do that.

We ended up going to Target to buy cup bras and she found the little A cup bras she liked. The little snot actually turned to me and said, "I'll go in the dressing room by myself and you can wait out here."

Ah huh...as IF. I responded, "NO, this is a right of passage for a Mom and I'm going in with you."

We bought three colors and she's dancing around the house feeling more comfortable and confident than ever. I, on the other hand, had my hair colored again and am looking for a good anti-aging cream for my laugh lines.

On a lighter note, I have a man in my life who I don't see nearly enough anymore. We have over the last few years remained close though life pulls us in different directions. Young Stud has a birthday coming next month. And if I'm not mistaken it's on 07-07-07. This is the last time we'll see 07-07-07 in our lifetime and I hope sincerely, with all my heart, that he makes this birthday the most special ever.

I know that if I have anything to say about it, it'll be memorable. Though it may not be in the multitude of ways I'd like to make it special, I will make sure to remind him that he is, indeed, in my heart and will be forever. I love you, Young Stud.

Auburn Aries and Sugar Bear

This is my baby whooping it up on her 10th birthday. We were in Chili's having dinner - and yes I had to endure the "baby back ribs" song as sung by Fat Bastard over and over again - she decided to drink every cocktail in the drink menu!

For my birthday, Golden Boy gave me one of his Chihuahua pups (the female). It was a generous gift and one that I thought long and hard about before accepting.

Auburn Aries has always wanted a puppy but I was hesitant to give her one considering she can't keep her room clean. I suck at tough love so she gets away with it.

When Golden Boy's dog became preggers, I had the duration of her pregnancy to decide whether AA was up for it. Who am I kidding, to decide whether or not I was up for it. As you will see from the adorable picture below, I graciously accepted Golden Boy's gift and Auburn Aries became the happiest little girl ever.




The picture is a little blurry, but you get the general idea. Her name is Sugar Bear and she weighed 13 ounces when we brought her home. She fit in the palm of Auburn Aries' hand.

When Golden Boy put Sugar Bear in Aries' hands, she cradled her up against her neck and through tears kept saying, "my very own puppy. i can't believe i got my very own dog."

All I could do was look at Golden Boy and know I did the right thing.

His was a most generous gift.

In as much as I wasn't all for a puppy in the house, let alone a tiny one like her, I have come to realize that it brings a certain life and energy into a home that's not like anything else.

Yes, there's the occassional tootsie roll found off in a corner on the floor. And yes, her baby teeth cut like an Exacto blade. Overall though, it's been one of the best things I could have given to Auburn Aries.

Thank you, Golden Boy, for reminding me that I needn't live my life in a vacuum. You could have let me know, however, that I was going to be using mine a lot more. Who knew a Kleenex could be shredded that small?

Tell it like it is, baby.

Auburn Aries and I were watching television a few days ago when an promo came on for Tori Spelling's reality bullshit tv show, Tori and Dean, Inn Love (BLECH, insert vomit noises here).

AA watches the promo and right before it's over says, "My gawd, that woman has a long head. She looks like a drag queen."

I couldn't stop laughing.

While in a meeting at my new job with my manager and several other IT professionals, the topic of a specific project came up to which my new boss replied, "The people that wrote those scripts are mildly retarded."

And I couldn't stop laughing then either. I'm sitting in my first meeting on my second day and I had the giggles so hard my shoulders were shaking.

Some things will never change. I find the simplest form of unexpected humor the funniest of all.

Hugs

A hug makes an ideal gift. One size fits all and exchanges are encouraged.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday. This person is a relatively new friend. He's someone I worked with at Company South. He and I were discussing friendships. I was explaining to him that the people with whom I choose to surround myself are very dear to me. I told him that I don't really have people around who I don't particularly care for. Of course there are acquaintances - people you meet in passing or that you see every now and again but they don't have a place in my life like my true friends do.

I explained to him that they are all friends that I would do anything to help. They are the kind of friends that I would get up in the middle of the night and help in a moment's notice. They are the people that I hug and kiss hello when I see them and I tell them I love them when I say good-bye.

I told him about how I've lost three brothers and both parents and that I know how quickly things can change. I want every one of the people I care about to know that they are important to me.

I was moved yesterday when I received a call from Young Stud. He was calling to check on me to see if I was okay knowing my job at Company South had ended. When I looked down at my cell and saw it was him calling, a huge smile found its way across my face. When I heard the sound of his voice, everything else just melted away and the only two people who were important at that juncture were he and I.

Young Stud is special to me in a way that some of my other Boys aren't. Those reasons are strictly for Young Stud and I to share. As I was saying good-bye to him on the phone, it hit me how much I want him to know that he is very, very special to me. I realized the power of telling someone you love them and how when you speak those words, no other words are necessary.

So when you are with a good friend today, give them a kiss and a hug when you say hello. Let them know they are important to you. Who knows, it may come at a time when they're feeling all is lost and your hug may see them through another day.

Funny things I've heard

A few weeks ago I was in CC's (big surprise, right) and heard a couple of things that still make me laugh.

The first one:

Pony: ..Yeah, I can come by your house and pick you up.

Friend of Choppers: Every time you come by my house in that big fucking truck, the vibration of your diesel motor knocks all my Cher dolls down.

(see what I mean.)

The second one:

Vidal: Hmmm, should I gamble before I go home or just go home?

Daddy H: Yeah, um, I'm gonna go play some video crack before I go home. It's for my kids college education. Then I'll go home and have a turkey pot pie.

('nuff said)

The third one:

Hippy: My wife tried to cook a prime rib once. She fucking killed that thing. She over cooked it until it was about this big. It was something only the damn dog could eat. She tried to tell me that you're supposed to cook it that long. I told her she shouldn't use the smoke alarm as a timer.

AP: [laughing really hard] Was it that fucked up?

Hippy: Oh yeah, it was THAT fucked up. We were sitting in the livingroom later that night with the dog in the room. She looked over and asked why the hell the dog kept licking his ass. I said, "Oh, I don't know, to get rid of the taste?"

(this one killed me.)

And the best one for last:

Pony, Hot Toddy and I were all having cocktails a couple of nights ago. We were watching the boy porn when the camera went wide for a shot of the bottom gettin' drilled. We were all watching intently when all of a sudden there on the screen was a guy with horseshoe hair.

Now don't get us wrong, nothing wrong with men who are losing their hair. In the porn world, however, most men are chiseled with six pack abs and either a full head of golden locks or a shaved head.

Pony: They shouldn't let men with male pattern baldness do porn. It's not hot. Only if it's shaved is it hot.

HT: Yeah, Hair Club for Men porn.

AP: [Laughs hysterically and runs for a trick sheet on which to make notes].

Good-bye Company South

Yesterday was my last day at Company South. It was a year ago that I accepted a position as an SSL VPN administrator.

I accepted the position after being laid off from Company X for three and a half months. It was farther than I wanted to commute (60 miles each way); was a Windows environment (I do Unix and IT Security); and was for a State Agency (the occassional bureaucratic bullshit).

I did, however, realize almost immediately that working with this particular group of people was refreshing. They were all grown-ups. They were all parents or grandparents and understood the importance of work/life balance. They all came in to do their jobs. They weren't surfing the web all day. They would take their few minutes of participating in the commeraderie and then go back to work. It was unlike any place I had ever worked before.

I made friends with my coworkers. They had more than earned my respect. Whereas as at former companies there was always someone who was an asshole who no one particularly cared for, at Company South, that was pretty non-existant.

My contract was supposed to last until July with an additional two year extension, but budget-time rolled around and they ended up pulling my contract.

I hated my commute. I didn't mind driving back and forth in my Mustang, I just didn't like the three hours a day I lost. I didn't like that Auburn Aries missed school events because there was no one else to take her when I couldn't be there. It's hard to get your kidless friends to help you out in those situations - regardless of how important it was to Auburn Aries. That kind of stuff is just too inconvenient. That's reality.

I ended up not going to the gym nearly as much because at the end of the my 12 hours away from home, three hours of which was spent in traffic, I was too gawd damn tired to drag my ass over there. We ate out more, ate later and gained weight. I spent more time with the people I worked with than I did my kid.

Every day posed some new traffic twist that drove me crazy...a stall here, an accident there, new freeway construction, useless traffic reports. There is a long list of why commuting sucks and I won't miss it.

There were seven very good reasons why working at Company South made it all worth while. Those reasons were Steve, Judy, Terry, Bruce, Karina, Kenny and Tim. This small group of people embraced me and my idiosyncracies. They laughed at my stories about Auburn Aries. They listened to my stories of Gayland and didn't bat an eye. Steve, the straightest man alive, could have passed for a Bear and I teased him about it. I even gave him Mardi Gras beads with Bears all over it. He took it in stride.

I learned a lot from them. They are genuinely good, grounded people and I'm proud to call them friends.

It was hard to walk out the door yesterday. Every time someone said anything remotely kind to me, I teared up. Everyone there seemed to really like me and was sad I was leaving as well.

As I drove out of town, I thought about how I wouldn't have to fill-up three times a week anymore but somehow that thought didn't help the images of all of us laughing and cutting up together. It didn't squelch the tightening in my stomach when I thought about not being able to take anymore smoke breaks with Steve, Tim and Kenny - my bruthahs from anothah muthah.

It's another chapter in my life that I've experienced that has enhanced who I am as a person. The closing of one and the beginning of another. The next group of people I work with may be amazing people, but my friends at Company South raised the bar on both personal and professional expectation and they'll be a hard act to follow.