Monday, May 15, 2006

Ten Dollar Ha Ha

Last Wednesday I ran home after work, through on some workout clothes and headed for the gym. From the downstairs addiction hole World of Warcraft corner of the house a voice spoke.

HT: When you get back, let's have a cocktail since we didn't go to C.C.'s tonight.

After a quick inventory, I realized I would need to stop by the liquor store for Patron and some Vodka for Hot Toddy.

As I neared the liquor store (I didn't want to go in there all sweaty after a workout) I realized that I had forgotten my MP3 player and doing a cardio without it is impossible for me. My plan was to run into the liquor store, run back to the house, head back to the gym and then home.

There was one unforeseen flaw with my plan.

AP: Hey, Liquor Store Girl (LSG), you don't have any boxes of Patron out so I'm taking the front bottle.

LSG: That's fine. I can get you a boxed bottle if you'd like…

AP: [shrugs] I'm just going to recycle it anyway.

LSG: BTW, we got the Platinum in.

AP: The wha?

LSG: The Platinum. Patron makes a Platinum tequila now.

AP: [in a challenging voice] Show me…

As we're approaching the counter she's giving me the 411 on the new tequila. She said one of the regular Patron patron's bought one and said that it was "fucking magnificent."

She ran into the back to get a ladder to reach the glorious bottle. She reached up on the top shelf (where it belongs) and there it was. What LSG said was true. She gently handed it to me and was laughing at the expression on my face.

AP: OH. MY. HELL. Look at this. It's a thing of beauty.

LSG: The bottle is made of lead-free crystal. It comes in a black velvet bag with a bolo-tie that closes it. It has a small booklet inside that talks about the tequila and the packaging. Each bottle is numbered and signed. The box it comes in is made from curly maple (I think that's what she said, at this point her words were nearly inaudible - I could hardly hear over the angels singing] which is what they make violins out of.

AP: [Taps on the ball on the top of the cork which is made of silver] I have to have one. You never should have showed this to me. I'm going to have to buy it. How much is it?

LSG: $199.95

AP: Two hundred gawd damned dollars for tequila. This is insane. [I think quietly for just a moment searching for logic…that voice that says don't do it. That voice of reason was nowhere around…or I couldn't hear it either, over the angels singing of course…or maybe I was meant to be in the liquor store on that day at that time - it was a sign - okay that's a bit of a stretch]

With only two sales girls and me in the store, I got pretty excited about the new tequila. I actually jumped up and down and clapped my hands saying "I'm so excited!!!!!" They girls were laughing at me.

Anyway, I handed her the bottle and walked over to the vodka section. I grabbed the half gallon of Potter's Vodka HT had requested and then picked up a bottle of Patron Silver and sat them on the counter. LSG rung up my order.

AP: No, no, Sweetie. I was serious. I want that bottle of Platinum.

LSG: But you have Patron right here.

AP: Yeah, that's the rot-gut tequila for mixing. That, right there, is not.

Now, I never thought I'd see the day I referred to my beloved Patron Silver as rot-gut…and we all know I wasn't serious because it's the polar opposite of rot-gut yet here I was saying it. I paid the bill $278 liquor bill and waited for LSG to bag my prize.

She put the Platinum box (which she retrieved from the back of the shelf to assure no one had touched it), in the bag first. Then she grabbed the rot-gut vodka tasty beverage of Hot Toddy's choice and hovered it above the bag.

LSG: I can't do it. I can't put Potter's Vodka in the same bag as the Platinum.

I left the store with two bags.

I raced home forgetting the gym even existed.

I yelled downstairs and begged HT to come upstairs to see what I had done. When I told him I had done something "over the top" he replied with "what did you buy?!" He knows me too well. As I pulled out the box of Gran Patron and unveiled it in all its magnificent glory, he was in awe of its beauty and we were both excited to taste it.

We headed outside to partake in my new purchase. Toddy grabbed two small bucket glasses and I poured 'em neat. We spoke a small "Blessed Be" to each other and felt the subtlety of the Gran Patron delicately stroke our palates. It is exquisite. HT said it was like drinking silk. He is 100% correct.

So based on the price I'm sure you can understand how tight-fisted I am with this particular bottle.

Fast-forward to Saturday night. Ren came by to say Hi. We (me, Hot and Ren) were on the front porch visiting and I showed her the Patron. Though she was unable to participate in a cocktail that particular evening, I offered another drink to Hot Toddy and poured one for myself.

Now there's one minor detail I feel compelled to point out. I am unaccustomed to drinking anything straight up. Even Patron Platinum. So when I pour drinks for HT and I, I pour more for him than I do for myself. Same thing Saturday night. In fact, his was a pretty heavy drink.

We sat there talking and I took very small sips of my tequila savoring each time it passed my lips. The evening got late, Ren was leaving and it was Aries' bedtime.

HT: Well, I guess I'll go downstairs. [Hot Toddy began collecting his things…vodka glass, mail, bucket glasses…]


HT: What? Oh, really? Which one was it? [He grabs the top glass, holds it to the porch light of the neighbors house to verify it was my glass of Patron and GULPS IN DOWN IN ONE DRINK] Well….NOW IT IS!!!!!! HA HA

I was blown away. $200 tequila that I share with my dearest friend who has the most indiscriminate palate of anyone I know and he guzzles down my cocktail. It's so expensive, I wasn't going to pour another, nor did I really want to. I was only going to have the one drink.

I wasn't sure what to do. Was I pissed or hurt? Was he drunk or thoughtless? Do I say anything or let it go? These things I pondered until I fell asleep and again when I awoke. I simply couldn't believe he had done it.

Later Sunday morning, Toddy and I stepped outside to have coffee and tea, respectively.

HT: Man, I was so drunk last night.

AP: Drunk?! You were drunk last night? Well, that explains the Patron incident.

HT: Oh my gawd, WHAT Patron incident.

AP: You don't remember?

HT: [hesitantly awaits my response to see how bad it was]

AP: [explains his actions the night before]…You actually took my bucket of Platinum and guzzled it down like a shot of Cuervo. I had only had two small sips of that tequila, ya bastard.

HT: Oh my gawd, Aub…I'm SO sorry. Wow, I guess that was like a ten dollar ha ha wasn't it…

AP: Yeah, Hot, ten dollar ha ha…very funny.

So let's do some simple math, shall we? A fifth of Silver is $50. A fifth of Gran Patron Platinum is $200 which is four times as much. A shot of Patron is $9 therefore a shot of Platinum would be…$36… yeah, Hot…a funny ha ha indeed!

He SO owes me a margarita the next time we go out and I'm SO not letting him off the hook.

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