Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Alone On A Raft

I feel like I'm out here floating on a raft by myself.  I feel invisible.  I'm working through the logistics and finances for moving to San Diego and I've no one to bounce it off of.  It's not that I need someone around for that but I'd like to air it out sometimes to see if I'm missing anything.

Of course, Auburn Aries is just waiting for me to give the word.  She'd have her shit packed and in the car before I finished the sentence.  She's as ready for an adventure as I am.

Even more important than the logistics, is how nice it would be to be able to share my excitement, and my fear.  We're moving.  I'm not vacillating.  But it would be really nice to talk about the moments I have when I frantically ponder and hope and need reassurance...to hear it from someone else just to keep me sane.

I talked with my sister yesterday who pointed out that I've become Howard Hughes - a recluse who never leaves her house.  Granted when Hot Toddy moved and then Do Rag moved and then Golden Boy moved and then TJ moved, and then other long standing friendships shifted...it whittled down the list of friends with whom I socialize.  I went a nearly a full decade hanging out with the same group of people and I loved it.  Wouldn't have changed it for the world.  And then it changed on its own.

With everyone scattering to four corners, I was left behind to deal with the ghosts of friendships past.  It was so hard being the one who was left behind.  God it was hard.  It took a while for the physical absence to be replaced with phone calls but even now in a situation where I'm planning a move this big, I've got time zones to deal with from Hawaii to Virginia to Minnesota and it isn't easy to get the shoulder to lean on when I need it.  I can't just pick up the phone and scream "how am I going to get all this shit done and be ready to move in July?!?!"  I have to plan those conversation which takes the passion out of the moment at which point I arrive at 'why bother, I'll just take care of it anyway since there's no choice so why bother anyone anyway' and then the "Raft Reality" hits again and BAM! I'm a little sad and a little lonely.

I've tried to make new friends.  I've tried to penetrate other circles of friends where I have acquaintances.   People are used to what they're used to, you know?  When all the smoke clears, I don't end up getting invited to the barbeque or the cocktail hour or the baby shower.  And that's okay.  It's a little sad and frustrating but it's okay.  I was the same way with my group of friends.  We were snobs about letting anyone into our circle.  What we had worked and it was a no-weirdo zone.  Maybe I'm the weirdo.

But I digress.  Of course what I do know is I will get it all done because I have to, that's reality.  I will figure it all out because that's what I do and when the time comes, I may have to get by with a little help from my friends.  After I pick up the phone and ask for it of course. 

I don't know what the future holds for me and my little family.  I know I'm not going back to the same San Diego I left 23 years ago. But I need to take a risk.  I need to put myself out there and shake things up.  I'm praying the sense of home that's deep-seeded inside of me sings from the mountaintops once I get there.  The brown, brown mountaintops.  I want to wake up to sunshine and be able to walk the dog without immediately mopping the hardwoods after we come back in.  I'd love to not go through towels because I'm drying the damn dog off.

Mostly...I want to be able to call my best girlfriends, Pua or Cathy, and drive over to see them.  I'm looking forward to the call where they say they're going to pick up Auburn Aries to go shopping or have lunch just because they want to spend time with her.  I want Aries to feel what it's like to hang out with her "Aunts" because she's never really known what that's like.

I may have days where I want to "shout out at the ocean, 'HEY IT'S ME'" but I know deep down I'll be alright.  For many of my friends I may be out of sight but I know I'm not out of mind.  I know I can call and they still love me. 

As for that raft, sometimes I may forget there's an oar attached to the side and sometimes I may not like having to use it only during the scheduled hours of availability.  I'm just grateful there is one.  Hard days or not, I'm grateful for what and who I do have in my life and I have to not let my whining  moments get in the way of remembering that.

1 comment:

Pua; Bakin' and Tendin' Bar said...

You're not invisible. I see you.

It will be here before we know it.