Isn’t it funny how sometimes life can be going so perfectly in one aspect of your world and then crumble to the ground in pieces in another?
I have recently found a true friend in someone I’ve casually known for a couple of years. This man (a.k.a. Young Stud) works at Company X and we have gotten along from the minute I met him. Though he and I have always had a connection of sorts, he’s shown his true colors the last few weeks by being there for me when I really needed him.
Our friendship started out rather odd because the minute I laid eyes on him I blurted out how hot I thought he’d look at the foot of my bed, wearing a pair of boxer briefs with a collar around his neck. He’s young and hot and intelligent. You get the picture!
Young Stud has been my safe haven. With so many triangulated relationships in my life, it’s wonderful to have someone to talk to and spend time with that is disconnected from everything in my day-to-day world. Someone with whom I am the only person that matters at that moment. Young Stud has provided this for me.
For the last couple of weeks my housemate, Thor, hasn’t been himself. I haven’t been able to pinpoint why – I’ve merely accepted that there must be something going on for him and tried to be there whenever he needed me.
I’ve written about what a blessing this man has been for me and Auburn Aries. He has filled my home with warmth and love and laughter. He calls Auburn Aries Elfie and she calls him Santa. Every morning he comes upstairs saying, “Elfie, I need my kiss good-bye” as he enters her bedroom and kisses my sleepy-eyed girl. She wakes up with a smile on her face and in her heart just at the sound of his voice.
Aries’ heart breaks if she doesn’t get her Thor time. She immediately feels cheated. He honestly treats her better than her own Dad does. For an eight year old, Aries is big for her size. She’s 4’10” and weighs 125 pounds. Thor picks her up like she weighs nothing at all, throws her over his shoulder and spins her around – Aries giggles and begs him not to stop every time he does it.
He plays soccer with her in the yard, they’ve gone on hikes on the Butte together. She used to spend countless hours downstairs while he pampered her like the little princess she is with facials and doing her hair. He’s helped her cope with mean kids at school and worked at building her confidence.
I trust Thor with Aries implicitly and have from the very start.
As you all know, a family sitch has arisen that will be pulling Thor away from Aries and I. He told me about it earlier this week and it has rocked my world in many ways.
The first of which is my best friend is dealing with being separated from his beau. The emotional pieces of that will be around for a while and it breaks my heart to see Hot Toddy hurting. Everything inside of me wants to protect him from being hurt, yet I know there is nothing I can do about it. It’s his path and he has to walk it and know I will always be there for him.
The second reason is the love and energy that has filled my house since Thor moved in will no longer be there. I love pulling in the driveway and seeing Thor’s truck there. I love walking in the door and hearing that loud hello from downstairs. I love the way he pops upstairs to see what’s going on. I love having a cocktail with him on the deck while we talk.
One of the reasons I hated my house after Daddy D left is because it was empty. A 3000 square foot split level house with an entire downstairs with nothing in it. Thor breathed life into a house that had only known sadness. My house feels complete with Thor there and now it won’t be anymore. There will be a void where my friend once stood.
The third reason this bums me out is the logical, financial side. I walked away from Daddy D with an asston of debt. It’s taken me a year to dig my way out and with the income from Thor’s rent, I was happily on my way. Thor and I thought he’d rent from me for a year or more – we had that great a groove going. We even joked about how Hot Toddy was going to have to cohabitate with him at my place because he was never leaving!
I interviewed six or eight potential tenants after I ran my ad. They were too freaky, too prudish, too obnoxious, didn’t like kids, thought I lived too far out, they partied too much to suit my tolerance level. And then along came Thor. The answer to my prayers for one of the most difficult years I’ve ever had.
The fourth reason this totally sucks is I, once again, have to tell Auburn Aries that someone she loves is leaving her world and I have to pick up those pieces when she falls apart. This news is going to devastate her. For better or worse, she and Toddy and Thor and I are a family. She is as comfortable with them roaming around the house as she is with me. They are like her two gay dads.
When she wakes up and Toddy isn’t there when she gets out of bed she begins her eight year old soliloquy about how it “isn’t fair that Toddy isn’t here.”
Though I’ve always taught her that you can’t help who you fall in love with, it was Todd and Thor and helped show her that love knows no bounds. The first time she saw them kiss she shied away covering of the eyes saying “boys are kissing” to which I replied, “Remember, you fall in love with someone’s spirit and you can’t help who you fall in love with. It doesn’t matter what body their in.” After that, life with my gay boys was just about unconditional love for her.
The dynamic of my world is about to change and I don’t know what to do about it. Though I know I can float the house alone, I’ll end up working for the house. Running an ad for a roommate was so exhausting and could, again, take months. I don’t want to sell the house until I’ve been in it two years which isn’t until December which is in the middle of Aries’ school year. Most of the property within the school boundaries (to keep her in the same school) is farm land. I don’t want to move her mid-year to another school.
I’ve walked around all week wondering what I did that threw my karmic balance off. Have I done something at some point in such a way that I am now paying for it? Why can’t I get a fucking break? I’ve always lived my life by the seat of my pants believing that where I am is right where I should be. But why so many trials? Is it not enough I buried my Mom and one of my older brothers 15 months apart. I mean, how much more must I endure?
Then I have to stop and remind myself that I am Auburn Pisces. I am a strong woman. I have ovaries that clank and I’ll get through this. I always do. A big part of me wants to pull up stakes and retreat to some nice, large apartment and hide for a while. Simplify my life and let go of the abundance that owns me. Sometimes I don’t want to be the strong one – and when those times arise, Young Stud steps in and for just a brief moment in time, I can let go.
I like my life peaceful and grounded. My home is my sanctuary and right now I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Having buried four family members approximately ten years apart, and with the closest family member living 65 miles away, my friends have become my family. Toddy, Thor, Pony, The Math Whiz, The Handsome Prince, Juju, Metro, Ms. Karma, Fairy Godmother, Brown Eyes, Hot Momma, Oak Point Man and Young Stud.
I didn’t realize how protective I had become of my world and how much I like my world just the way it is. The answers are somewhere. Hopefully they will find their way to me soon. Goddess willing.
Patience and Faith. There's not much more I can do.