Monday, July 25, 2005

Five Hour Pony Rides

Saturday night I attended a birthday party for Metro, Juju’s beau. It was a fun party and Metro seemed a bit surprised but pleased at the birthday gift I gave him. It isn’t everyone who gets a pair of leather arm restraints for their birthday. I’m truly hoping I didn’t freak him out. I believe it’s always nice to kick the sex life up a notch by trying new things. And if anyone is capable of helping Metro experience the true benefit of being bound, it would be Juju!

The look on his face appeared to be a combination of “what the hell,” “this is fucking cool,” and “oh my god.” He smiled from ear to ear. He inspected the leather straps as a crowd of probably 30 people looked on. Sweet Juju took pictures as he held the restraints in his hand. And before he knew it, Juju had joined me and we strapped him down.

Juju’s eyes sparkled enough to light the evening sky. I could see the wheels in Juju’s head turning. It was great. It was at this point that Superman leaned over and whispered the date of his partner’s birthday in my left ear. In as much as there was potential for me to look like the freaky leather-woman at this party, I suspect I aroused some curiosity in more than just Superman.

It was great to see Boy Hunk also. He and his extremely fine woman. Good Goddess, that girl is so beautiful. She takes my breath away. Boy Hunk is one lucky man!

After the party, I joined The Math Whiz for the evening. We had a great time. Great conversation and a lot of laughs. I love the relationship I have with The Math Whiz. He is the ever consistent Virgo whose dry sense of humor makes me laugh. Ours is an honest, grounded friendship and I think the world of it.

He and I hooked up with The Handsome Prince later in the evening where the poor little Prince had to do shots of Patron to catch up with us. Poor Handsome Prince.

And then there’s Pony. I need to thank Ugly Pony for the time we spent together yesterday. Pony has no idea how much yesterday meant to me. In as much as we had planned on hooking up on Sunday afternoon, yesterday had a much deeper meaning for me than he realized.

Pony came by to work on my laptop which had been down for a couple of weeks. He showed up with his beverage of choice which I interpreted as my signal to fill the shaker and get on with my margaritas.

Pony and I had a chance to just talk. Just me and him. No drama. No big questions to be answered. No tears. I have a wonderful relationship with Pony much the same way I do with The Math Whiz and The Handsome Prince. I am friends with all of them as a group but am especially close with each one of them individually. I have to thank Toddy for sharing such wonderful people with me.

Yesterday was especially hard for me. I awoke feeling alone. I had some spontaneous plans on Saturday night (which I was very much looking forward to) fall through as quickly as they were made and the circumstances surrounding the change in plans left me feeling like I had been socked in the gut - by my own hand.

In addition, yesterday was my Dad’s birthday. He died in 1994 but every year on his birthday I ache to hug him one more time. To feel the crispness of the button-down my Mom ironed for him against my skin.

I would love so much to be able to tell him I love him and hear him reply, “I do you too, Honey” the way he always did. I’d love to smell the Skin Bracer on his face and feel the strength and power the love of a father (regardless of his shortcomings as a father) represents in your life, one more time.

Yesterday was also the anniversary of the passing of my brother, Willie. He died two years after my Dad. Willie and I were very close. There was a certain free-spirited nature to his laughter; there was so much depth to his soul; yet there was a sadness behind his eyes that was kind of always there even when he was laughing and horsing around.

I got pregnant with Auburn Aries four days before Willie died. Neither he nor my father got to see Aries. They’ll never know how she’s inherited the family humor or how smart she is or see her amazing red hair. They never got to hold the baby that no one in my family ever thought I’d have. Aries is a blessing that I’ve not been able to share with them. She’d have been the apple of both their eyes.

Yesterday was, for all intents and purposes, a triple shot and not the good kind.

I’m in a place where I feel small right now. I just want to be held and loved and told everything will be okay. And I wanted it so badly yesterday morning it hurt.

I moved through my day methodically and with little motivation. What exactly does one do with that sense of loss and that much emotion coursing through them? When you take all of the emotion that July 24th represents and couple it with Thor’s moving and all that I have to process about my future, it felt so huge.

I was alone in my thoughts and the knot in my belly just grew bigger.

I realized Saturday night the extent to which I needed male companionship but blew that by being an ass which ultimately changed my plans that evening. And though I did see Hot Toddy and Thor yesterday morning, their energy was not conducive to helping me channel mine.

And then Pony walked through my door. I very much enjoy my conversations with Pony. They are everything from deep and meaningful to philosophical to being just silly. Our talks are honest and unpretentious.

We talked about whatever came up - even abstract things like the degree to which Tim the Hot Toddtender has thrusting power with all those muscles of his. Pony began to laugh at this point and lost it when I acted as though I was the bottom beneath Tim and had to tell Tim he’d best pump his brakes because he was thrusting so hard. “That’s why I love you Auburn Pisces…” he said through laughter. I love you, too, Pony.

I ended up spending the better part of five or six hours with Pony. It was great. I’m thankful for him. Thankful that when he walked into my kitchen, he wrapped his arms around me and gave the tight, heartfelt hug that I yearned for all day long.

We never talked about what was really going on for me yesterday. I didn’t really feel the need to bring it up. I was so tired of thinking about it I didn’t have it in me to verbalize it. It didn’t really matter anyway – Pony gave me what I needed and he didn’t even know he did.

So Thank You, Pony, for being my friend and for being there for me when I needed it (and you).

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