I have a friend who’s name is Hot Toddy’s Toaster Oven. Hot Toddy is frequently a source of levity for me and anyone who happens to be in the vicinity. I’m grateful for this quality in him because laughter is key to my existence. If a person can make me laugh, they’re in the door.
Last week Hot Toddy, Ms Karma, Pony and I all gathered at C.C. Slaughter’s to worship (Tim the Hot Toddtender). We had been there maybe 30 minutes when, out of nowhere, Hot Toddy let out this huge burp. Those of us who spend any time with Todd have come to accept his occasional burp. It’s actually cute when he does it because you don’t expect him to just let loose. Every time he does so it makes me laugh.
There were two things different about this particular burp. First off, he was drinking Maker’s and Coke so there was carbonation pressure built up behind this burp. And secondly, when he finished he actually took two seconds to regroup, shook his head and said, “Oh, man, I almost threw up on that one…”
Simple and to the point and I about died laughing.
Throughout the first part of our C.C.’s experience, Toddy kept reaching over to use a lighter I had. Every time he reached for it and couldn’t find it, he got bitchy. It wasn’t my fault he’s lost every one of his lighters yet I must suffer the wrath. Ms. Karma jokingly got fed up listening to it and walked outside to her car.
The store near her house gives her a free lighter everyday when she buys smokes. You can imagine the load of lighters lying around at any given time. None of the people in Ms Karma’s circle of friends have had to buy lighters for about a year now.
When Ms Karma returned, she hovered her hand over the bar and dropped nine purple lighters between Todd and I. Toddy was thrilled. He shoved my tiny little Bic back at me and embraced his new found treasure. After lighting his smoke, he sat there like a kid with a new toy and stood all the lighters up on end. Some closer together than others.
“Look,” he said. “It’s a lighter cocktail party! This lighter is talking to that lighter. And this lighter (he knocks one over), oops, he’s the drunk lighter.”
Ongoing entertainment. I loved it.
One of my favorite, nasty things to eat when in a bar is nachos. Not the great kind with all the perfect nacho toppings but the kind with the shitty 7/11-type cheese that isn’t really cheese at all. I have no real understanding why I like this particular snack when I’m partying, much the same way I have no idea why I adore the tacos at Jack-in-the-Box. I just do.
I inquired with the bartender (which, unfortunately was NOT The Toddtender like we expected – seeing him was the only reason we went in there on a Friday afternoon) why they took the crappy nachos off the menu.
Before the bartender had a chance to answer Hot Toddy responded with, “The cheese from 1978 ran out.”
Sometimes Toddy never misses a beat. This particular Friday was one of those days.
Amidst the lighter cocktail party Pony realized that he, too, was lighterless thus failing in his attempt to give death a blowjob and asked Hot Toddy if he could “borrow” a lighter. Reluctantly, Hot Toddy obliged him.
Pony grasp the lighter, lit up, and proceeded to throw the lighter back into the lighter cocktail party knocking every one over. Hot Toddy lashed out, “That was so mean, I can’t believe you killed everyone in the lighter cocktail party. Geez, ya big party-crasher. It’s like a lighter cocktail party at the World Trade Center.”
Pony, Ms Karma and I just kept right on laughing.
The four of us hit a lull in the conversation and were all sitting there watching the boy porn. This particular porn shows a guy sitting behind a desk. He appears to be interviewing a guy for a “position” of sorts. There is no sound to the porn – though I doubt we’d be missing much on the storyline.
As the interviewee sits in the chair, he begins to rub his crotch and the pointless porn conversation continues. The interviewee stands still rubbing his big, pulsating manhood (ew, whatever) – this is where the audio actually began.
Hot Toddy looks up at the screen, “Sir…SIR…Don’t rub that! You’re not going to get the job!”
It’s possible Hot Toddy looked away and didn’t realize that the interviewee actually did get the job, er, got to do a job. It appeared he was perfect for the “position.”
Keep up the humor, Hot. With all that's going on in my life right now, I need it! It's the best diversion EVER.
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