I had a most peaceful weekend. Thor was out of town this weekend; Toddy was out of town this weekend with The Handsome Prince and Auburn Aries was with her Dad. I must say, it was a fantastic weekend. Rarely do I have true alone time.
Missing was that little eight year old voice yelling “Mom” every time she needed something (or didn’t) nine million times a day.
Missing was my housemate and all the energy he brings to the table.
Missing was my best friend and the complexity that a triangulated relationship like mine, Toddy and Thor’s brings.
I was alone in my own skin and perfectly content.
Saturday morning I went on a 20 mile bike ride. I wish I had the availability and freedom to do this every day. Aries isn’t a strong enough rider to venture out on that level and she would feel so completely left out if I went without her – that’s assuming, of course, there was someone to stay home with her.
I felt really good following the ride. I was a little worried about my back, having had back surgery a little over a year ago, but everything felt fine.
Ren the Rockstar came by Saturday afternoon and helped me dig out my backyard. Though I was feeling great after the ride, I was not doing so well after the weed pulling expedition. I don’t know that I will ever be able to thank Ren enough for all that she’s done and continues to do for me. Including throwing the snake we found into the neighbor’s back yard. I don’t particularly like these loud neighbors – a snake was an appropriate gift, I think!
I went through varying levels of resolve with regard to the emotion I have surrounding many things. I have, for the past month, dealt with being blindsided with Thor’s leaving and the dent that will leave me in financially. I have grappled with what to do with my house i.e., get another housemate or sell it; buy a condo/townhouse/row house with a small yard or rent. I have, by default, found myself in the middle of several situations just by my very existence (read: my best friend is in love with my housemate).
I realized this weekend that I’m tired of all of the complexity all of that brings. Granted they are big decisions and when you are somebody’s parent, those decisions don’t come easily as the effects of those decisions could be long lasting. But I was able to remind myself this weekend that I have always lived my life by the seat of my pants trusting that wherever I am is where I’m supposed to be and I have always landed on my feet.
I have always rolled with change as though it’s my best friend. Change is the only constant. So I had to ask myself why, now, had everything become this fucked up mess? The answer is that I’ve given it too much power and I keep trying to control it.
The answers lie before us, you just have to quiet the noise in your head long enough to hear what the Goddesses are telling you.
I have had the privilege of spending a great deal of time with Young Stud – he has been my sounding board and is totally disconnected from these other situations. He has given me sound advice on more than one occasion and has reminded me what’s real and deserves my energy and what doesn’t.
Young Stud has been in the interesting position of seeing me with my guard down; supporting me while I cried and getting me to laugh through it when I needed to; and seeing me act like…*gulp* a total girl. I don’t let many people see this vulnerable side of me. He has helped me tremendously.
As I sorted through some things this weekend, I could hear his voice in my head. In as much as I'm in a space of uncertainty and change, it's change that's overdue. I'm going to stop the trepidation with everything that's going on in my life and start embracing it. I'm done letting this bullshit own me.
Once Thor moves out, I will begin my ritualistic cleansing and take my life back. I’ll get rid of what I don’t need or use any longer and simplify my life. I’ll pack what I don’t need and store it in the garage. The time to sell the house will be here before I know it.
And though I don’t know exactly where me and Aries will end up, I know that within those walls will lie the confidence and happiness I knew before the poison of my relationship with Daddy D saturated my life. I may very well encounter road blocks along the way, but with these long legs getting over those hurdles should be no big deal.
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