I am NOT old

Over the weekend, I brought in the mail and sat it on my desk. Upon checking it on Sunday, I realized that I had received a communication from the Oregon Osteoporosis Center. They were inviting me to participate in a research study.

How very nice of them.

How very special that they'd think of me.

Motherfuckers.

It clearly states on the gd letter that to qualify you must be 45-60 years old. 45-60, people. Learn simple math, you morons.

I know perhaps I seem overly sensitive to the invitation to participate in the holy-shit-you're-getting-old survey. I mean, who wouldn't be thrilled to have some density testing done to find out if they have thinning bones - thinning bones that could result in fractures of the hip.

I mean for cryin' out loud, jerkwads...

I just had my 43rd (forty-third) birthday.

I go to the gym five or six days a week.

I start my workouts with squats and lunges.

I work with a trainer who gets paid to inflict pain upon my person.

I do 30-45 minutes on the elliptical.

I sweat more than a whore in church.

People are constantly asking me how it is I'm still single.

I am a desirable, warm person with depth who's in the prime of her life.

Now granted I only recently started working out, but if it's a yes or no question, then, yes, I'm kickin' ass.

So, Oregon Osteoporosis Center, thank you for the offer for the calcium supplements and for the kind and generous invitation to step across the threshold into my twilight years, but I think I'll pass.

Hail, hail, the gang's all here

While hanging with the Chosen Fam recently at C.C.'s, we were all engulfed in various conversations. I had been watching the boy porn trying to get a closer look at the tattoos on this particular porn. No, really, I was looking at his ink - okay, not just his ink, but...

I inquired about it. The Professor said that it was Dred Scott (sorry I couldn't find a better photo).

AP: I wish they'd do a close up shot of his tattoos.

HT: Doesn't his tattoo look like a corset or something a can-can girl would wear?

AP: No.

HT: Oh my God. I just sounded so gay a purse just fell out of my mouth. I might as well put on a beehive wig and start lip-syncing to Bette Midler right now.

I couldn't grab the trick pad quickly enough to make notes.

Later on, Zereos, the clever bartender, noticed the bowl of popcorn before us was empty.

Z: Hey, you guys are out of popcorn. Can I get you some more? You know, popcorn is like heroin. It's made out babies [as Zereos taps the vein in his arm like an addict and walks away].

Again, I race for the trick sheet to make my notes.

It's common knowledge how much I love Hot Toddy. When he and I get to spend time together, it makes me happy. He is always so witty it amazes me how his brain works. This particular evening was no different.

Hot Toddy had gone outside to plug the electronic meter which spits out a stickered receipt to post inside your car window on the curb side. Rather than put it in Sven, he walked back into the bar and sat down beside me casually sitting the sticker in front of himself.

HT: Good, I have my sticker.

AP: Why didn't you put it in your truck?!?!

HT: Oooooh. You have to put it in your window.

As he walked out the door, I was about to pee my pants from laughing so hard. His intentional blonde moments crack me up.

Then there was the boxing conversation.

TP: This is why gay men are bad at boxing...they think this is a fist [making a motion with his hand similar to when you would mock someone talking too much - thumb placed beneath all four fingers].

HT: It isn't fisting. It should be called "lobster clawing."

It was then The Math Whiz piped up.

TMW: Oh, it was so good...I got lobster clawed last week.

Again, to my blog notes I went while practically blowing Margarita all over the place.

Upon completing my notes, I looked over to find Hot Toddy digging diligently in the bottom of the pretzel bowl.

HT: Sorry, I'm just trying to get to the salt.

Pony: Hey, I'm the Pony. I get the salt lick.

HT: I crave salt waaaaaaaaaaay more than I crave pussy.

We all lost it. I've never known anyone who cringes more than Hot Toddy when it comes to talking about girl parts.

There were a couple of guys leaving the bar, one of them looked like Osama.

AP: Hey, look, it's Osama Bin Laden.

MzKarma: Bush hasn't been looking in gays bars for him!

That's probably where that bastard is hiding. He's probably tucked away in some gay bar or porn shop incapable of stepping away from the Glory Hole.

I spent a little time visiting with The Handsome Prince. Even he had his clever cap on that evening.

AP: [motioning toward the boy porn] Look, that bottom must like that action in his ass - his penis is hard.

THP: Yeah, it's called Viagra. It must be like beer nuts on a porn shoot - there are just huge bowls of Viagra sitting all over the place.

Though we do at some point in the week get together at C.C.'s, it's rare that the whole gang is there together. Since the gatherings at The Vortex have ceased since Hot now lives with me, we don't seem to gather like that as frequently. It's good to know when we do, it's like we've never been apart.

Buzzed Blog

Okay, so first of all, I spoke to a woman who works at a company that I want to work for so badly it hurts (and not the good way), and she was bitchy.

Then I spoke to a recruiter who thought I was the shit, which was good.

Then I put on makeup (a nice welcome to the non-makeup-laid-off-existance I usually have going) and met Pony (and Toddy) at C.C.'s. I've missed Pony the last week. I'm very connected to him and it was great to see him.

Then Young Stud called and interrupted a conversation Zereos and Pony and I were having about Young Stud's staying power. At which point I invited Young Stud over for some friends-with-benefits time this weekend.

When I left the bar, I picked up Ren but not before I got lost in the web of streets behind her house. When I saw her it was, I'm sure, because I had, again, Kanye West jammin' on my stereo while thumpin through the 'hood. Okay, not the 'hood but the trendy neighborhood in which Ren lives.

Then we picked up Aries and grabbed some Mex, which I'm a sucker for - Sans Margaritas during dinner (I'd had enough during non-happy hour).

While on our way home, we were jammin to some Stevie Wonder (full-tilt-boogy) when the light turned green. In the right lane was a full-size white Chevy truck (bowtie and not named Sven, I'm sure) who decided to drag race me on the green light. Out of total commitment to my 'Stang and her ability to roast 'em at the drop of a hat, I accepted the challenge and totally beat that Chevy.

Since he has more horsepower, I'm sure he was just messin with me, but I got a charge out of it. He gave me a total run for my money and I thought he had me but I won - that is, if it's a yes or no question!

Anyway, I was stoked. I had Ren give 'em 'the wave' to thank them for the excitement and proceeded home. It was then that Aries wanted to get out of the car and get her groove on. To accommodate her desire, I cranked the stereo while she shook her booty like a frickin' stripper.

With my jaw hanging on the floor, Hot Toddy came outside and said my stereo was so loud he thought it was the motor to my car (which made me, well, hard to say the least). Aries walked up to Toddy and said "put em up" (meaning put up your dukes) to which Hot responded by putting his hand way up high in the air and said, "praise Jesus" (in a house full of Pagans...).

Hot Toddy asked about names. He asked if we knew what Haley (her middle name) stood for. Of course I knew but Aries responded with "hero" to which Hot rolled his eyes. "Of course she knows that." Hot Toddy shared that he was named after one of Liz Taylor's husbands. It was then that Aries said "at least I wasn't named 'Jack Daniels' like my cousin."

I quickly reminded her that Jack was her second cousin by marriage (with the hope that it somehow would distance her from the white trash connotation of the name). Aries responded with, "I have a second cousin?" I told her that being from a big family she had third and fourth cousins as well.

It was then that Hot looked at her and said, "That's 'cause you're inbred, Sweetie" and was so matter of fact about it. Ren and I stood there and laughed...I couldn't say through all the laughter.

The niight only progressed from there. As the four of us watched American Idol, Hot Toddy's diatribe was not only hysterical, he was relentless. By the time it was over, I aached from laughing so hard.

Ahh, just another day in paradise.

Beach Boys (not THOSE boys, My Boys)

Pony and Chopper by the fire.


JR and Vidal (two little love birds sitting in a tree...)


Chopper, Pony, Vidal, and JR.
I don't know why I love this shot, I just do.
It's one of those 'moment-in-time' shots.


Hot Toddy steps away from World of Warcraft.


Yours truly. 43 and glad to be me.


Young Stud. That shirt doesn't lie (you have no idea).


Seething Cakes of Hatred in the making.
Pony's does what he does best. Workin' the meat.


Hot and Aub.


Ren in Depoe Bay.

When a group of people gather to spend a weekend together, there's always potential for chaos. But the weekend we spent at the Coast was the exact opposite of chaos. Well, other than locating the house.

When the rental agency mentioned on the phone "there's a mailbox and a telephone pole at the end of the driveway," I dismissed it. Don't most driveways have a mailbox? Pony and Chopper weren't far behind me on the drive out. They actually made an attempt to find the house while I was picking up the keys.

Trying to find the house turned out to be a comedy of errors. "Drive down 101 past the six white rocks. Go around the bend a ways and you'll see a driveway with a mailbox and a telephone pole at the end of it. There'll be a sign (which was not visible from the road, by the way) and the gate is right there."

Lucky for me I drive a stick shift which keeps my hands busy and I didn't have any sharp objects in the car with me. I was ready to slit my own damn wrists after that search. Had it not been for Pony and Chopper, I'd either still be driving around cursing like a sailor or slumped over my steering wheel.

It was, however, worth the time it took to find it. This was a great house for entertaining. I twisted a Margarita (big shocker, I know) to bring my agitation down a few notches and we waited for the guys to arrive.

Pony built great fires in the fireplace all weekend and it amazed me how much we were all in the same groove.

Someone said something early on about forgetting or bringing their sex toys. It occurred to me that I had forgotten mine as well. Voicing my forgetfulness, Pony pointed out that he could have Chopper carve me a dildo out of driftwood while we were there. I opted to pass on that. Pony did, however, find me a piece of drift wood in the shape of a penis. It's sitting here on my desk as I write. Can you just feel the love? My Boys always have my back.

Speaking of action, Young Stud made it sometime after dark. Spending time with him is like a gift every time I do it. He calms me. He keeps things very real for me. He calls me on my bullshit.

Over the course of the last year, I have participated in several conversations about the bi versus lesbian topic. I identify as a lesbian and in as much as I played for both teams for 20 years, I like women. Beautiful, soft, creatures with breasts...where was I? Oh yeah. Later in the evening the topic of my being bi came up. I promptly corrected the erroneous statement by declaring, once again, that I'm a lesbian.

Vidal promptly spoke up and said, "Since I've known you, Auburn Pisces, I've never seen you with a woman. I've only known you with men." I quickly looked up to rebut the statement but when my mouth closed and my brain had a moment to process, what Vidal said was true (We've only been friends a few months). Still, I pushed the issue and jumped on the "yeah, but..." soap box.

Then I heard Young Stud chime in, "Yeah, do you really want to go there?! Especially with with me in the room!!" I shut my pie hole and I'm sure turned eight shades of red. It's not my fault I'm built this way. I didn't ask for it (nor would I change it).

As I'm sure you've all read the hysterical account of the Seething Cakes of Hatred, I just have a couple of things I'd like to add. Watching Hot Toddy cook for eight people was, by far, the most laughable thing I've ever seen [insert image of Todd standing in total exasperation, tapping his foot and waving around a spatula].

There were a couple of people at the table who didn't want pancakes, but since Toddy went to all the trouble, I think everyone ate one. Personally, I think we were all scared Toddy might whack us with a spatula if we didn't eat 'em. And that frickin' bourbon syrup shit. Oh my hell. Gag. Gross. I've swallowed a thing or two in my day (segue Vidal's point) but I'll never again swallow that crap.

But I have to tell you, when Toddy stood near the table reading the ingredients of the Krusteaz Pancake Mix was when I lost it.

HT: It says on here there's eggs in this mix. How the hell would they put eggs in a dry mix?

All the table at once: Dried eggs. Haven't you ever heard of dried eggs?

HT: Dried eggs. How does that work? They just don't give the chicken water or something?

How can I not love this guy as much as I do? He is one of the funniest, most clever people I know.

Then there was the conversation Ren was having about the location she and I were going to lunch on Sunday.

R: It's this great restaurant in Depoe Bay. It's called Tidal Raves.

HT: Title Raves? What is it a bookstore or something?

R: No, TiDal Raves.

HT: Title Raves.

AP and R: TIDAL RAVES. Like in the ocean. Tidal...waves...[insert image of me providing visual aids by making waves with my hand].

HT: Oooooooh TIE-DAHL-RAVES

We all started laughing at which point I quickly grabbed my blog notes I kept from the weekend and started writing.

HT: Gawd, don't write that down. I have to look smart on the internet.

Hot Toddy, anyone who's read the Toaster Oven knows your smart. But in my world, if you can make me laugh, you'll have me for life. Laughter wins every time.

I also had the distinct pleasure of waking Chopper up on Sunday morning. Chopper was dragging and Pony wanted him up and gave me permission to roust his man. I entered their bedroom to find Chopper laying on his back with his hands interlocked behind his head (he was under the covers waist down, btw). I jumped onto the bed and straddled him (segue Vidals point) and started moving around on him.

He laid there with a big smile on his face, his big biceps, strong arms and tattoos looking so, so good (hush up, Vidal. You, too, Young Stud). I wish more than anything I had a picture of THAT to post here. Good Lord. Pony, you're a lucky man.

We all gathered and had bagels for breakfast on Sunday. I was pulled deep within the pages of Angels and Demons. There was music playing on the stereo. I believe it was something Hot Toddy put in. It was something SO gay, it made my ears bleed. We listened to it for a while but the gayness intensity of it was too much.

JR: Sombody change this quick. I've never wanted to shoot myself more in my life.

Ren: Get me a butter knife.

Pony: [approaches with the fireplace poker and presents it Ren] It's just as dull.

I love My Boys, but I gotta tell you...there's only so many show tunes and gay man music I can listen to. Considering I blasted Kanye West's Gold Digger on the way to the coast, I thought my head was about to explode, when JR spoke up again (bless his heart).

JR: This is gay music hell!!! Pretty soon we'll be so gay we'll wrap all the way around and be straight again.

I laughed so hard I about peed my pants.

My cell signal was poor while at the coast. At one point it was clear enough for me to get to a voice mail that had been left by MzOuizer. This wonderful blog friend left me a message of song. One that she wrote just for my birthday. I was moved and teary-eyed at the sentiment and laughing while I listened to it. No one has ever done that for me before. Not only did I share it with everyone that night, I have it saved on my cell phone and if I can figure out a way to audio blog it somehow, I will post it.

Thank you, MzO, for making my birthday that much more special.

It was the most relaxing, fun weekend at the Coast I think I've ever had. I love going there alone, but would go again with my chosen family in a hot second. We watched it snow; awoke to an iced over deck; watched two Bald Eagles flying around Proposal Rock; saw storms roll in over the ocean; enjoyed lots of sunshine; did some gambling at the Casino; laughed, drank, ate great food and loved (at least I did several times ;)...

It was absolutely phenomenal. Thinking about reserving it for a week in the summer. You in?

It takes more than strong fingers

The birthday post will be next but...

I joined a health club this week. It's a third generation locally owned club that allowed me to sign up Auburn Aries as well.

The woman who signed me up spoke about it being a family club at which point I interjected with my "yeah, family club...riiiiight. It's on the news constantly about adolescent obesity yet clubs won't let children join..."

When she said they would, it stopped me dead in my tracks. My eyes welled up with tears. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. There's hope for my little one. If I can get her in good workout habits now, she'll have them for a lifetime.

Since Aries is a little under the age they normally accept kids (which is 10) she had to get special permission from the owner. When they agreed, I cried. When I told Aries, she smiled so hard and for so long she said she couldn't get the smile off her face.

Aries met with her trainer yesterday and since she stayed home today with a sore throat, she accompanied me to meet with my personal trainer. After an amazing, kick-my-ass kind of workout, we did some cardio and a few laps in the pool. Yes, the mermaid is still lurking inside of her. She did fantastic and it was great for her confidence.

By the time we left, I was fatigued (in a good way). I worked muscles that have been on sabbatical. Aries said every time we leave the gym, she can't wait until the next time we go back. She said it's a lot of work but she "won't ever have to be this size again" and the work is worth it.

I've had a monthly visitor the past three days and though she's making an exit, I needed to tend to her when I got home. You know you've had an intense workout when you go to put a tampon in and you haven't the strength in your arm to plunge the inner tube up into the insertion tube. Oh my hell. I got that bastard half way in and absolutely could not push any farther.

Stunned, I grabbed it with my left hand - to no avail. Completely exasperated I dropped both hands by my side, slumped my shoulders, looked down and said, "YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME." While laughing my ass off alone in the bathroom and with a two handed effort, I was finally successful.

I don't recall seeing a disclaimer about loss of use of certain parts of your body once you work out. Just goes to show how long it's been since I've been to a gym. Oh well, those days are gone. So, if say, Hot Toddy or Pony were to call and ask me to meet them at C.C.'s I'd have to tell them that a.) I have to go to the gym first because it's more important and b.) that someone would have to move my drink closer in front of me so the straw in my Margarita reaches my mouth. It'll be the true test of friendship. They could very well be mean to me and watch me struggle, but I doubt it.

Birthday Beach Bash

I am very excited today. I have something very cool to look forward to. A birthday beach bash with my some of my fam. Tomorrow Pony and Chopper, Hot Toddy, JR and Vidal, Young Stud, Ren and I are heading to the coast to celebrate my birthday. Okay, perhaps not so much celebrating my birthday but that's what initially brought us together.

The house we will be staying in is a $1m home right on the beach. May the Patron, Whiskey and Beer flow freely. Bring it on!

I'm dropping Aries off with my niece, The Model, tomorrow morning. The two of them have a day of festivities planned. Aries is so excited to hang out with her cousin that it's all she's talked about. She actually gets so excited she starts to cry when she mentions it.

All of this on the heels of a pretty nice birthday itself. I received gifts this year that were truly from the heart of those closest to me. You all know what Ren gave me. Hot Toddy gave me the funnest prize ever. A one-year subscription to my favorite smut rag in the whole world...People Magazine. That's right, I read that piece of trash...what are you gonna do about it? Huh?!

Anyhoo. Pony gave me a beautiful painting that is exquisite and took my breath away when I opened it. He also gave me a candle cover that illuminates the walls and ceiling with a sun design. I'm constantly burning candles so it was perfect.

The Professor and The Mathmetician gave me a copy of The Da Vinci Code and scribed some beautiful sentiments inside the cover. I was moved. Especially when I flipped through the book to find a gift certificate to one of my favorite leather shops in town...and no, I'm not talking about a store where you can buy a leather coat.

My Sister, Skinny Girl, bought me the Bo Bice CD. Aries bought me a candle that smells just like cherry chip cake with vanilla icing. Speaking of which, Hot Toddy (and Aries) made me a cherry chip cake for my birthday - it was a little lopsided and had globs of icing...just like my Mom used too make.

Hot, Pony, The Professor and Aries all took me to dinner at Kennedy School. We had a relaxing evening with Patron Margaritas made with fresh limes, tasty beer and "awesome rootbeer." It was an engaging evening until the boys spotted a built guy with huge biceps in a tight t-shirt and the evening turned into a lot of rubber-necking and trips to the bathroom and to the bar where you can smoke. You know...a typical evening with My Boys. I wouldn't have it any other way.

With all that's gone on with me lately, it was hard to feel excited about turning 43. I love being over 40 so it's not that. I'm just outta my groove lately.

But today, none of that crap matters. Today I'm going to crank the tunes, clean my house, pack for my weekend and enjoy where I'm at - which is blessed in my life regardless of the bumps along the way, loved by those I have in my life who mean so much to me and happy.

Just so you know, I may or may not be able to write about the events that take place at the Coast. It's a lot like Vegas there...What happens at the Coast, Stays at the Coast...or not. I guess we'll have to see.

A lesson for us all

Build in a pause.

If you wish to be loved, admired and appreciated constantly, the best method is to become loving, admiring and appreciative, constantly.

Auburn Aries is back in school today. I'm grateful for it. It felt really good to get out of the house and into my Mustang this morning. It was nice to have my cup of Chai and watch the news after I took her to school with no one making demands of me. It's not that I mind the demands that come with having a child, but those demands are constant. There is no beginning and no end - it's just a continous loop of needing to be "on."

Though she was quite the trooper the last couple of days, spending four solid days together is not something I am accustomed to, especially with her sick. Though my ex-husband and I liked our dual income, he was open to my staying home with her after she was born. I made it less than two months and I went back to work. I need intelligent conversation (which you may or may not get at the office!) and adult conversation (ditto last comment in parenthesis). For me, being a working Mom kept my life in balance.

I've noticed lately that Aries is absolutely becoming a mini-me. There are those of you that would say being like me isn't a bad deal. To those of you who think that, thank you. To those of you who know my mouth and my lack of patience, you know being just like me may not be the best thing.

I use certain tones when I'm exasperated. I curse at other drivers (worse now that I have horsepower at my fingertips). I get aggrevated when I have to tell Aries to do something more than twice. My sisters and I love to people watch (which usually includes a commentary which we don't do to be mean spirited, but we do it nonetheless). You get my point.

I've noticed a lot lately that Aries has taken to mocking every one of those examples above. She has no sense of deductive reasoning when it comes to an appropriate time to express herself that way or how to tone it down.

The hard part is that as a parent you absolutely do not have the option of "do as I say, not as I do" because children live by example. It's true there is time when you will say "because I'm an adult and you aren't" and as a child she has no other option but to accept that.

But I've noticed lately (as I've not been my best self) that it doesn't take any time at all and she's in the same place I am. I found myself in the mode of reprimanding her every time she copped an attitude or spoke to me with a shitty tone in her voice or acted like I've wronged her in some way. Trust me, for a few days it seemed dialing her in was all I did.

Then it hit me like Portland storm. I was going about this the wrong way. The next time I asked her to do something and she retorted with that snippy little attitude of hers, I built in a pause instead of immediately reacting and would then say, "Aries, when I just asked you [that], I did so with a kind voice and kind words. I would appreciate it if you would do the same." There was the occassional recommendation that she think before she speak and think about how what she's going to say will sound.

I try to be a realist. I know that a person cannot always be loving, admiring and appreciative all the time. We all have our bad days. But loving someone doesn't give you a get-out-of-jail-free card when it comes to your behavior. If I want Aries to become a loving, admiring and appreciative person then I'd best be behaving that way myself.

There's an old saying, "A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in or the kind of car I drove...But the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child."

Living by those words apply to me because I have a child. I have a very important job. But if each and every one of us were a bit more loving, admiring and appreciative, think about what a better place the world would be.

Sick Kid, Part Two

Day two and the fever lives on. It got up pretty high yesterday. I'd fight to get it down alternating Tylenol and Advil every three hours but the minute the medicine would wear off up the fever would go.

It's so hard to see my baby girl sick.

She laid on the couch, her entire body shivering - she was under three blankets. No wonder I couldn't get her fever down. She was so extremely warm to the touch. When you have kids, you want so badly for them to be healthy, happy, balanced people. You do everything you can to create that world for them and then something like a fever sneaks in and you realize all you can do is try all the tricks in the Parents Handbook you get when you decide to have children...oh, wait, there ISN'T ONE.

When I was sick as a child, my Dad would go to the 7/11 and get me Big Sticks and 7-Up. he told me that those two things could cure any illness you have (that, or a shot of Kentucky Bourbon and I only have Patron Silver). So yesterday I ran the grocery store and bought soup, Big Sticks, and 7-Up.

Though she's still fighting a fever today it is lower than it was yesterday. Is it possible my Dad was right?

Sick Kid

I'm in lock down today with a sick Auburn Aries. She awoke today with a 102 degree fever which drops and then spikes again over and over. I will post tomorrow, given she's in school and I have the peace and quiet.

Never a dull moment when you're Auburn Pisces.