I am NOT old

Over the weekend, I brought in the mail and sat it on my desk. Upon checking it on Sunday, I realized that I had received a communication from the Oregon Osteoporosis Center. They were inviting me to participate in a research study.

How very nice of them.

How very special that they'd think of me.

Motherfuckers.

It clearly states on the gd letter that to qualify you must be 45-60 years old. 45-60, people. Learn simple math, you morons.

I know perhaps I seem overly sensitive to the invitation to participate in the holy-shit-you're-getting-old survey. I mean, who wouldn't be thrilled to have some density testing done to find out if they have thinning bones - thinning bones that could result in fractures of the hip.

I mean for cryin' out loud, jerkwads...

I just had my 43rd (forty-third) birthday.

I go to the gym five or six days a week.

I start my workouts with squats and lunges.

I work with a trainer who gets paid to inflict pain upon my person.

I do 30-45 minutes on the elliptical.

I sweat more than a whore in church.

People are constantly asking me how it is I'm still single.

I am a desirable, warm person with depth who's in the prime of her life.

Now granted I only recently started working out, but if it's a yes or no question, then, yes, I'm kickin' ass.

So, Oregon Osteoporosis Center, thank you for the offer for the calcium supplements and for the kind and generous invitation to step across the threshold into my twilight years, but I think I'll pass.