Monday, November 29, 2004

Put a Little Love in Your Hole

Over the course of the last few months, I have spent a great deal of time trying to figure out the "why's." I have experienced that ache you get in your stomach and your heart when you end a relationship. That feeling sucks. I find existing with that type of melancholy ache isn't so bad if it's because it "didn't work out." That healing process is much different than the "why did this person do this" type of discomfort.

There are those (thank you Therapist) who have said my "partner picker" is broken. I somehow always seem to fall for the wrong person. What I have found to be true is that I never knew they were the wrong person because in some cases they ended up being fibbers (to put it politely). Being lied to is the most disturbing feeling I have ever experienced. There doesn't seem to be enough processing that makes it go away. A lie is a lie and once spoken always exists inside of you wrapped in betrayal - known to those who spoke it and felt by those who've loved them.

If you were to ask people close to me, they will tell you I am honest to a fault. Most people who know me know not to ask the question unless they want to hear the answer. It's not mean honesty. It's just honesty. It's honesty they know they can trust. I like being this way. I love that it's part of my make-up.

Being this way, however, has its downside. For instance, when someone you care about is dishonest with you, it can be devastating and it's hard to dismiss. I have loved women who have promised the world; who have said things to me that I trusted and believed in and whose love I never questioned partially due to the fact that they touched my heart in some way no one else had. I mean, people wouldn't just *SAY* those things... would they?

Au Contraire Mon Frere

I give my heart so freely; a trait I wish I could modify. That, unfortunately, takes practice which means giving your heart a little less or more protectively each time. How many times will I have to practice this until I get good at it? Seems like high stakes if you ask me.

I have often taken full responsibility for relationship failings. Even if just to myself. I am an adult woman; I made a mistake, a bad choice; I believed someone when what they were telling me was a load of shit. Unfortunately, I didn't know it was a load of shit until after the fact. And in some cases people were very, very hurt by my actions or my part therein, which cannot be undone. I have to live with that and do. It is a bell that cannot be unrung.

In another situation, I gave my heart too freely once again. Everything felt right. She told me all of the right things. She meant it -- or at least I believed she did. It was a polyamorous relationship which is complex in and of itself. We carried on a relationship behind The Other One's (TOO) back (why did I ignore this red flag?). She said I fulfilled a need in her that TOO didn't. She said I was "the one." That she had never felt what true love was like until I came along. That I was the lady in her life and I knew my place by her side which pleased her. We spoke of our wedding day. We talked about the day TOO would be out and on her own, partnered and in love and what it would be like when "the kids" came by for dinner. We discussed where we'd live, what the house would be like, where we would retire. I called her Love and she called me Momma. She said as Daddy she's "got me." I was safe with her. She held my heart in her hands.

Fast forward to TOO leaving and me hearing from my Love the words "What? Did you think we were just going to be a happy twosome?" Ouch. After a couple more months of disappointment and heartache and realizing she was having an emotional affair with yet another woman while still living with me (and denying it vehemently - red flag, quick look the other way AuburnPisces), I packed her a bag and asked her to leave. As scary as it was, I stood up for myself, no longer a door mat.

In the past three months, I have discovered that most of what she said to me was bullshit. I know this because I am hearing from reliable sources that she's now saying the same identical things to the next woman. Almost verbatim. You hear something once, you dismiss it. You hear the same thing over and over by people you trust, you have no reason not to believe it. It must have been a lonely three weeks for her before she moved on...whatever.

Therein lie the why's. Why would she tell me those things? Why would she string my heart along like that? Why did she treat me so wonderfully for so long and then everything changed? Why is she still lying when she has no reason to? Why does she think I am so naive that I don't see right through her? She still calls me every day, several times a day. She acts as though we're still best friends just as we were before we became involved. I still want answers I am never going to get. During each phone call, I wait for her to say something...anything to set things right. I suspect I'll be waiting a long, long time. Everytime I try to forgive and/or move on, my memories choke on the lies and I feel stuck.

Then this weekend I went to The Handsome Prince's play. I joined Hot Toddy, The Math Whiz, The Executive and The Rugby Guy. Afterward we went to CC Slaughters and talked and laughed and drank. Our friend Brown Eyes joined us. I was surrounded by wonderful people who ARE honest and who DO care. Whenever I spend time with the Yum Yum Brotherhood, KP, Ms Karma, Brown Eyes or Oak Point Man, I am embraced with their love.

On Sunday, I spent time with Hot Toddy in the Un-Toaster Oven, i.e., The Vortex during 36 degree weather. Wrapped in blankets and drinking Margaritas and Vodka Cranberries, respectively, we talked for hours. Joined by The Handsome Prince, I sat looking at these two men who mean so much to me. I value their friendship (and The Math Whiz) so much. I left their house realizing that asking myself the "why's" was pointless. Especially when you consider how blessed I am to have all of these special people in my life who are equal when it comes to being decent and honest and loving.

I felt the hole inside of me starting to heal when I switched the focus from what was (or what wasn't, in this case) to what is, deciding only to surround myself with those I can trust with my heart. Oddly enough, right now, most of those people are gay men or straight men or women like Ms Karma, KP or Oak Point Man. I will take this time to heal my heart and fix my "partner picker" and pray to the Goddesses that the next time I find love, it will be true and honest just like the love I receive from my friends who truly care about me.

That closed door will stayed closed and I will no longer look back.

As a side note, I have to credit Hot Toddy for the title of this blog (attention whore that he is, I couldn't miss giving him credit - especially since it made me laugh until I cried).

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