AA: Mommy, I have my field trip to Zenger Farms tomorrow.

AP: You need to dress warmly because it's going to be cold tomorrow. Wear something long-sleeved and wear your puffy coat.

AA: I have my new hot pink rubber boots to keep my feet dry!

AP: I'll pack you a lunch. Oh! And you have those gardening gloves I bought you this summer you can take.

AA: Gardening gloves…

AP: Yeah, gardening gloves. Trust me, you'll be glad you have them.

AA: Mom, why would I need gardening gloves?

AP: Beeeecause, it a vegetation farm where there are plants. You'll be planting seeds. Remember this is the first of three field trips there. Plant seeds, watch seeds grow?

AA: We are not planting seeds.

AP: Yes you are. Mr. Teacher-man said you guys were.

AA: [insert exasperated tone here] Mom, we're making beds there.

AP: I know. Flower beds.

AA: No Mom. We're learning to make beds there.

AP: Aries, you're making the beds to plant the seeds in.

AA: What?!...

AP: Like a vegetable garden. The area you plant the seeds in are called beds.

AA: [laughing hysterically] Oh my gosh, Mom, I thought they were taking us there to learn to make beds. Like beds people sleep in.

AP: Why would you think that? [other than you're Mom is a city girl and doesn't ever get your hands in the Earth]

AA: Well, there's that farm house there with all those solar panels and I thought there were probably a lot of beds in there.

AP: Dork.

Drag Queens, Bat Kisses and a Pony

Saturday night CC Slaughter's threw their annual Halloween party. I didn't go dressed up in a costume. I didn't have the gang joining me. The Boys all had different plans so I ventured out on my own. Golden Boy was planning on being in drag while he tended bar and it was a must see. He's a beautiful man and knowing him the way I do I knew he'd settle for nothing less than impersonating a beautiful woman. I was correct. Golden Boy looked great! He even tended bar in boots that had relatively tall heels. I was impressed.

In addition to seeing Golden Boy in drag, I had the distinct pleasure of seeing my friend JR in drag. Oh my hell. Here was this very tall man sporting a big ass wig and make-up that I never thought he would have worn. He was such a good sport. He had me giggling as I watched he and Golden Boy adjust to life as a women - drinking beverages with a straw; not wanting to smudge their lipstick; complaining about long nails. I really had to laugh when I saw JR's feet and realized he was wearing sneakers with his long black dress. I also had to laugh when Golden Boy pointed out he'd lost a nail. I quickly leaned over and looked into my drink to see if I had inadvertently located the missing fingernail!

There were a multitude of drag queens meandering Saturday night. There were some with big hair, some with overly large fake breasts, there were even some with b.o. so bad it made you throw up a little bit in your mouth. It's called deodorant buddy…check into it.

There was one particular guy with extremely well built arms and upper body wearing a straw cowboy hat and overalls with no shirt. Hot, hot man. Good Lord. He caught the attention of everyone in the place.

It's so interesting to me how the tides have changed. Remember the days of straight men being fit and muscle bound? Remember during that same time period that gay men were...not? My how the tables have turned. Straight men are now those avoiding the gym in most cases and gay men are fit and strong.

Speaking of fit, strong men…segue The Toddtender. My what a yummy human being he is. He walked up wearing a Santa hat, red boxer brief-type shorts and a leather harness. Okay, he had me at the leather harness. Thank you, Toddtender for feeding the leatherwoman in me. He looks great.

I spent most of the evening hanging with Vidal and Bat Girl. Bat Girl…a friend worthy of a sexy blog name I have yet to concoct. Bat Girl and I went on a date once. It was only the one date. Golden Boy set us up. As it turns out, I'm not really her type and we've become pretty good friends over the last year or so. She and I talk on the phone from time-to-time and we text. She and I sat laughing and joking over the course of the evening until we ended up in the Rainbow Room at CC's (it's the quieter back bar).

This conversation led to that conversation led to kissing and then kissing some more. Good gawd that woman can kiss. I've been out with Hot Toddy over the years and heard him say things like, "tonight I just wanna kiss a boy." I've heard Young Stud say, "it isn't New Year's unless you make out with someone." I never really got it, just making out with someone for the sake of making out. I can, however, honestly say I have now done it. At one point Golden Boy walked up and stood briefly before walking away muttering that he needed to get away from us before round two of making out started!

I left the bar that night a.) in a great mood and b.) hammered. About the time I realized I had consumed too much Patron I flashed on the time. I had a babysitter to pay and send home.

I walked to my car realizing that I had passed the point that I should be driving. I rarely get drunk. It's just not my MO. I don't like how it feels; I don't like not being in control of myself; I don't like that it lingers there even when I don't want it to; I don't like it. Period. I usually make sure I'm okay to drive since I'm somebody's Mom. But Bat Girl cast her kissing spell on me and I was toast.

I sat in my car for a couple of minutes taking stock of my situation. There was only one thing I could do. I pulled out my cell phone and called the one person I knew I could count on to be there for me. I called Pony.

Pony has proven time and time again to not only be a man of his word, but a true friend in the most fundamental sense. He has, on more than one occasion, called me on my shit. He recently built me a computer that is unbelievably fast. He looks out for Auburn Aries and cares about her and understands that she's a part of me. He viewed being added to the list of authorized people to pick her up as an honor. I trust him with everything.

There are times I know I frustrate him. When I ask for the umpteenth time about Microsoft Money…when I've been amidst a bad depression spell and didn't have much positive to say - he's put up with me. He's been forgiving when I've needed it and conversely brutally honest when I needed it. He has great insight for a man his age. I was about to test our friendship.

At 11:38 p.m. I dialed his cell. When he answered, I was grateful and felt safe. He immediately asked where I was at. I told him. Without even needing to ask, he said he'd be right there. And he was. He probably drove 25 miles round trip to take me home and make sure I was safe. It's only the second time I've ever had to do that. The last time was years ago and Brown Eyes rescued me.

I felt like shit most of the day on Sunday. I had plans with Auburn Aries which required my car but it was still parked downtown. When she asked why it was downtown, I swallowed hard and told her it was because I did something really stupid and got drunk and made the safe choice to ask Pony for a ride. It was the Pony ride that very likely saved me from harm. It was definitely a different Pony ride than I've fantasized nevermind...

If I have a cocktail at home (which is isn't very often), I have one or maybe two. Auburn Aries has never seen me drunk. She's only ever seen me in control. When I told her I had gotten drunk she gasped and said "Oh Momma, are you okay? What was it like?" I explained to her that I hadn't eaten enough, that my stomach was upset and that I felt like vomiting. I told her I had the headache to end all headaches.

I may or may not have done the right thing by being honest with her like that. I seized the opportunity to let it be a growing experience for her rather than lie. When she got frustrated because we had plans and I had no keys and no car, I reminded her that I made a bad choice and didn't pay attention to what my body was telling me and that I was responsible for my actions. All I could do was apologize that my actions effected her and promise her it wouldn't happen again.

I am forever grateful to Pony for looking out for me and being there when I needed him. He has proven once again to be exactly the kind of man I knew he was.

Thank you, Pony, for loving me.

This is not depressing...no really!

I am a depression sufferer.

I know...weird to admit to blogdom, but it's true. It's one of those things that I liken to being in the closet. Seriously. It has a similar stigma associated with it. Even as I write this post I stop to ask myself why I would want to admit this to anyone. It has negative connotations. Do I really want to be known as "one of *those* people."

The truth is I am one of those people - on boths counts (living outside the closet is much easier).

When my Mom's Alzheimer's became overwhelming, my sisters and I put her in a nursing home (after assisted living and subsequently living with my older sister). I found myself with situational depression. I didn't know at the time that's what I had. I went to my PCP and told her I was having trouble quitting smoking. When she asked me why, the flood gates opened. Tears flowed. The reasons I was having trouble eliminating smoking had nothing to do with the cigarettes.

It was this same year I realized I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Being from San Diego I have difficulty with the gray winters up here. As the weather turns gray it's like someone is pulling down the blinds on my mind. I wilt. Moving isn't really an option since Aries' Dad lives in the NW. I'm not willing to put my daughter on a jet twice a month for his weekends.

Anyway.

Three years of Wellbutrin turned into the 'why isn't this helping anymore' conversation with my PCP. I switched meds about a month ago and I'm feeling better mentally though I find my motivation is still lacking. It's a process. For me it's just life with a side order of depression added to the mix. Not what I'd have chosen but apparently it's my path for now.

By the way, please don't think that I choose to sit on my butt and wait for meds to kick in. I am cognizant of diet, exercise, meditation, etc.

Moving on... I was on the phone today with Aries' physical therapist who inquired about missing a couple of appointments. With a deep breath I chose to share with her that I had a difficult time with my depression this summer and it unfortunately interfered with life. I told her I was trying to get back on track.

That conversation turned into her story about her depression and what worked for her. We shared our the hesitancy to discuss our stories with people. She pointed out it isn't any different than living with Diabetes or any other condition. It's in there. It exists. Not talking about it isn't going to raise awareness nor will it make it go away.

After I hung up the phone, I thought about how many people must suffer with it and not say a word. I did a little research by Googling "depression support groups portland oregon."

Something happened while I was doing that research. Something that I found so funny I actually emailed Hot Toddy, Pony, The Professor and Ren. It went something like this:

.....
Is it bad....

Is it a bad thing that I just Googled "depression support groups portland oregon" and cruised the chicks on the site I selected? ROFL

Cruising chicks with depression. How gawd damn hilarious is THAT?!?! Oh my hell. Could you imagine that conversation?

Her: "I'm sad and lonely."
Me: "I'm not sad and I'm not lonely but my house is a mess."
Her: "I'd like to kiss you but I'm too depressed to get out of my chair."
Me: "I don't want to be kissed but I'm up for a booty call if you'll shut'yer gap."

Oh my gawd. I'm crackin myself up here!

As soon as I realized I was looking at the pictures of girls on the site I said aloud, "wtf am I doing," shut it down and started laughing. Maybe I'm not as depressed as I thought!

.....

I don't mean to make light of something as serious or difficult as depression can be to deal with but when I realized I was looking at the pictures of the girls on the website saying "ooh she's cute; she's nasty; I'd do her..." I realized what a pig I was being and had to laugh at myself.

I only got one comment back from the gang as of this writing. It was from The Professor. I'll let him choose to share his thoughts but let me just say that I appreciate his pointing out that it's okay to still have a libido even when I'm down. Great minds think alike...just sayin'.

While Older Chicks Rule

My dear friend Pua sent this to me this morning. It was too cool not to publish.. For those you who have trouble dealing with someone a little older, read on and learn. This is why 40 is the new 20.

I love you, Pua... Thank you for sending me this.

Why Older Chicks Rule
by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes"

This is for all you girls 40 years and over.... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's AND 60's, and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one!

You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free," here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

Touched by...

The friendship I have with My Boys.

Hearing Pony's laugh when something is really funny. The way his head tips back when he's doing so. And the way he leans it to one side or the other just slightly as the laughter subsides.

Hearing Pony say "I love you more" after I've said it to him.

Watching Hot Toddy when he's being jovial and everyone is laughing at his anecdotes and hearing him laugh at his own humor.

The strength of the friendship that consumes me when Toddy hugs me.

A quiet conversation with The Professor after everyone has left for the evening and it's just raw conversation about the real stuff that makes our lives complete.

The Professor's truly grounded spirit and the clarity he possesses.

The interaction between all of us when we're together. Even on bad days we are all there for one another.

The ability to share my fears with the people that love me the most and to know it's okay to be afraid sometimes.

The wherewithal to face my fears and feel "little" because I know I have family to catch me if I fall.