Thursday, October 12, 2006

This is not really!

I am a depression sufferer.

I know...weird to admit to blogdom, but it's true. It's one of those things that I liken to being in the closet. Seriously. It has a similar stigma associated with it. Even as I write this post I stop to ask myself why I would want to admit this to anyone. It has negative connotations. Do I really want to be known as "one of *those* people."

The truth is I am one of those people - on boths counts (living outside the closet is much easier).

When my Mom's Alzheimer's became overwhelming, my sisters and I put her in a nursing home (after assisted living and subsequently living with my older sister). I found myself with situational depression. I didn't know at the time that's what I had. I went to my PCP and told her I was having trouble quitting smoking. When she asked me why, the flood gates opened. Tears flowed. The reasons I was having trouble eliminating smoking had nothing to do with the cigarettes.

It was this same year I realized I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Being from San Diego I have difficulty with the gray winters up here. As the weather turns gray it's like someone is pulling down the blinds on my mind. I wilt. Moving isn't really an option since Aries' Dad lives in the NW. I'm not willing to put my daughter on a jet twice a month for his weekends.


Three years of Wellbutrin turned into the 'why isn't this helping anymore' conversation with my PCP. I switched meds about a month ago and I'm feeling better mentally though I find my motivation is still lacking. It's a process. For me it's just life with a side order of depression added to the mix. Not what I'd have chosen but apparently it's my path for now.

By the way, please don't think that I choose to sit on my butt and wait for meds to kick in. I am cognizant of diet, exercise, meditation, etc.

Moving on... I was on the phone today with Aries' physical therapist who inquired about missing a couple of appointments. With a deep breath I chose to share with her that I had a difficult time with my depression this summer and it unfortunately interfered with life. I told her I was trying to get back on track.

That conversation turned into her story about her depression and what worked for her. We shared our the hesitancy to discuss our stories with people. She pointed out it isn't any different than living with Diabetes or any other condition. It's in there. It exists. Not talking about it isn't going to raise awareness nor will it make it go away.

After I hung up the phone, I thought about how many people must suffer with it and not say a word. I did a little research by Googling "depression support groups portland oregon."

Something happened while I was doing that research. Something that I found so funny I actually emailed Hot Toddy, Pony, The Professor and Ren. It went something like this:

Is it bad....

Is it a bad thing that I just Googled "depression support groups portland oregon" and cruised the chicks on the site I selected? ROFL

Cruising chicks with depression. How gawd damn hilarious is THAT?!?! Oh my hell. Could you imagine that conversation?

Her: "I'm sad and lonely."
Me: "I'm not sad and I'm not lonely but my house is a mess."
Her: "I'd like to kiss you but I'm too depressed to get out of my chair."
Me: "I don't want to be kissed but I'm up for a booty call if you'll shut'yer gap."

Oh my gawd. I'm crackin myself up here!

As soon as I realized I was looking at the pictures of girls on the site I said aloud, "wtf am I doing," shut it down and started laughing. Maybe I'm not as depressed as I thought!


I don't mean to make light of something as serious or difficult as depression can be to deal with but when I realized I was looking at the pictures of the girls on the website saying "ooh she's cute; she's nasty; I'd do her..." I realized what a pig I was being and had to laugh at myself.

I only got one comment back from the gang as of this writing. It was from The Professor. I'll let him choose to share his thoughts but let me just say that I appreciate his pointing out that it's okay to still have a libido even when I'm down. Great minds think alike...just sayin'.

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