Monday, March 21, 2005

First Date Drama, Make it Stop

I consider myself an attractive woman. I have a lot to bring to a relationship. Though there are character defects qualities which I would like to improve like the occasional short temper, the double-Piscean emotion (can’t help this one), overall, I’ve got it going on even if I do say so myself. Everyone is a work in process and I work everyday to try and improve myself as a human being.

Friday night I had my first day in seven months. I shot an email off to a friend that I knew became recently single. This person and I got to know each other in the last year through various fund raisers here in Portland. She was part of the circle of people with whom I spent time. Not to be confused with “The Circle of Trust” friends. She was always very nice to me. Whenever Daddy D pulled some bonehead move like inadvertently ignoring me at a function, this gal would get my drinks, pull out my chair, engage in conversation, etc. She was a proper butch and I like that in a woman.

We had a couple of drinks and then a wonderful dinner. We laughed and talked like two people who were getting to know each other for the first time. It was very nice. She is friends with Daddy D and Daddy’s next ex. And she is still very close to her own ex-girlfriend with whom I am also friends. None of these people came up in our conversation Friday night and I was relieved.

Now what’s true about this particular evening is that, in all honesty, I was simply looking to get laid. I’m not ready for a relationship. I need to make sure I have Daddy D completely out of my system. I don’t want someone new to have to deal with that in the event I still have work to do in that area. I even mentioned this to my date over the course of the evening.

Her response to my comment was to say that she didn’t know if she was ready for sex. Hmm, not ready for sex. That’s weird. What is there to not be ready about? How does that work, not being ready? A strong breeze or the sound of a Jake brake and I’ll be dancing with myself in no time. What, not ready.

Anyway, we headed over to my house after the date. She hung for a while and we watched The L Word on Demand, I gave her a kiss goodnight and then she took off. I had no intentions of slipping her a five second frenchy, however, when I leaned toward her to give her a kiss goodnight she did this hesitant, nervous motion with her upper body as though she was going to get in trouble if she kissed me.

I dismissed it all and figured I’d have to whore around go on a date with someone else. I like the thought of dating again. And I like the thought of commitment-free sex.

She stopped back by on Saturday morning and helped me with a couple of things at the house. We visited some more, she left and we texted throughout part of the afternoon. Then she asked what my perception of her interest in me was. I explained to her that I didn’t think she was interested but that we would probably have a good time hanging out and doing things together once in a while.

She flattered me by saying that she had a constant battle going on between her heart, her mind and her body throughout the evening. This made me feel really good. Right up until I asked her what prompted the battle. It was at this point that she explained that she is friends with Daddy D et al and she didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize those friendships.

What… Jeopardize those friendships...

She said she didn’t want to become part of the rumor mill.

What fucking rumor mill? I reminded her that my personal life was just that…my personal life.

She explained that she didn’t want to catch anyone off guard by having them find out we had gone on a date and how relieved she was when they knew about the dinner and didn’t seem to care.

“How did they find out?”

“Oh, I told them.”

WHAM.. Any interest I had in sleeping with this woman slammed shut like the door to Brian Kinney’s loft in Queer as Folk.

I was outraged. How dare this woman seek approval from Daddy D (and company) to have dinner with me. What the fuck did she mean, didn’t want to jeopardize THOSE friendships? What about the friendship she had with me?! I couldn’t believe it. In order for her to be “okay” she needed to know she wasn’t going to upset the apple cart by dating me?

I explained to her, in no uncertain terms, how upset the whole situation made me. How she pulled Daddy D right back into the middle of my personal life without even thinking about how I’d feel about it.

I cut the conversation short explaining that I didn’t like the way I was feeling and how what she had done wasn’t okay with me.

It was a punch in the gut. I shut down. I spent the rest of the afternoon feeling like I was never going to get out from the shadows of my relationship with Daddy. I was never going to find someone I could date that didn’t know her and our history together. I finally took the steps to “get out there” again and it wasn’t my decision to go on a date… it was me going on a date with Daddy D’s permission. Yuck. Dammit.

I didn’t take my date’s calls or texts the rest of the afternoon on Saturday. Nor did I take them Sunday morning. I finally talked to her in the afternoon at which point she explained that she had time to think about everything and that she was sorry about everything. Said she realized how one thing had nothing to do with the other. Said she understood how I felt having pulled Daddy D right back into the middle of my business.

She then proceeded to tell me that she would keep things separate. She wouldn’t tell me anything about them (like I’d ask) and she wouldn’t tell them anything about me. There are two things wrong with that. 1.) She filled her ex in on the date the minute she saw her and if she chooses to tell them nothing then she’s lying by omission (not that I want the opposite to happen either); and 2.) by knowing everything about my life and everything about theirs, it literally puts her in the middle and gives her all of the power. I don't want any distribution of power with regard to my life being handled by anyone but me.

I guess this whole first date thing didn’t work out so well. It immediately turned into drama that I didn’t need. I guess for now, the Auburn Pisces dating pool will remain empty. Hopefully, someone else will come along soon. I feel ready to date and I’m looking forward to it. Finally. Despite the drama.

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