Monday, March 07, 2005

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, there was a boy, a tall boy named Hot Toddy’s Toaster Oven. Hot Toddy had a friend, Auburn Pisces. She, too, was tall but she was also stacked and had black hair and was a Scorpio. Okay, not so much on the last three things! Otherwise her name wouldn’t be Auburn Pisces. Anyway.

Hot Toddy lived in an enchanted place called C.C. Slaughter’s The Vortex. Toddy wanted to have a party for Auburn to celebrate her birthday because it was very, very important to him. Okay, actually Auburn wanted to have a birthday party in The Vortex and wouldn’t let up until Hot Toddy conceded.

They spent many hours at C.C.’s creating a guest list on beautiful parchment a cocktail napkin. They talked about what fun they would have celebrating Aub’s birthday until one day Hot Toddy’s partners-in-crime, The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz, decided they were going out of town for the weekend and wouldn’t be around for Aub’s birthday party.

Auburn Pisces was sad and she cried and cried. Her tender heart was broken. It wouldn’t be the same and she knew it. Okay, mainly because The Handsome Prince was also The Handsome Chef in the house and without him it’d be all about macaroni and cheese instead of homemade rolled tacos and stuffed mushroom caps. And without The Math Whiz, Aub would end up the Party Host bar slave and have to be the social glue assuring everyone was taken care of.

Finally after gentle encouragement bitching until they couldn’t stand it, THP and TMW decided to stay in town and share in Aub’s birthday celebration.

Hot Toddy’s Toaster Oven called Auburn Pisces on the eve of her birthday to find out what kind of cake Aub wanted. With a lump in her throat and memories of her deceased Mom embracing her soul, she choked out the words “Betty Crocker Cherry Chip Cake.” Every memory of every birthday, no matter how shitty, danced through Auburn’s mind. It will be like Mom is still here with me, saving the day with her cake made with love.

“Cherry Chip Cake!” Toddy exclaimed. “How white trash is that?!”

WHAM! It was the thud heard ‘round the world. Auburn’s heart hit the floor. Her dad, brother, best friend just called her white trash. Or just called her Mom white trash. Aub speechless.

The next morning, Hot Toddy called Aub with tears in his eyes. Apparently The Hot Prince (Aub’s NEW best friend) told Toddy how he crapped all over Aub’s memories of her sweet mother. Hot Toddy was kind and thoughtful and clarified his words. Once again, everything was right with the world (Auburn Pisces was never mad or upset because she knows HTTO would never hurt her).

The next day, Auburn Pisces entered The Vortex with her new Kathleen Madigan CDs and DVD in her hand - a birthday gift to herself. It was Margarita time and the time for laughter was upon them. The boys bought Aub a new shaker to make her Margaritas in. Aub loved her new gift.

Hot Toddy had hung some new art up on the wall in Aub’s honor. Okay, maybe “art” is a bit strong. It was a poster made by Hot Toddy. He drew it of Auburn Pisces, for Auburn Pisces. Aub laughed when she saw it but couldn’t help but thank Hot Toddy for drawing her with big boobs. That was nice.

Friends showed up to celebrate Auburn Pisces’ birthday drink booze and eat great food. Ms Karma was there and brought the Patron Silver (Aub's favorite). The “gift” Toddy would unwrap later in the evening in the confines of his bedroom was in attendance. He gave Auburn a new Seattle Mariners mug and other Mariner goodies since Auburn is a diehard Mariner fan. Aub was thrilled.

And Hot Toddy’s gift – perhaps the biggest of all (besides the new website design certificate he gave her from his BoB awards and the comedy DVDs he gave Aub) was the “costume” change he had to make in order to give her his gifts.

There, entering The Vortex as though he ruled the free world, donning an authentic MLB shirt with the word “Mariners” emblazoned across the chest, was Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven.

Now, Aub’s seen a lot of things in her day. She’s an open-minded person. But to see her best friend standing there in a Mariners shirt when she knows he enjoys discussing baseball as much as he does automobiles, was a HUGE statement about how much he cares. Okay, it might have been to make up for the cake incident. But at this point, it really didn't matter...

Hot Toddy promised to wear his new shirt every Friday during Mariner season when Aub wore hers. This, my friends, is the sign of a true-blue friend.

In a five second span, Aub thought to herself, What will he do if someone asks him if he’s a fan? Or if he saw the game? Or how he thinks the M’s are doing? Or if he likes the new Manager? Or if Edgar will be missed? Not to mention all the stats that true fans start rattling off. I mean, Aub would know, she actually studies the stats all season.

It was at this point that Aub knew perhaps Hot Toddy wearing that shirt at work every Friday might not be such a great idea. But seeing him in it was the most unexpected and thoughtful gift of all.

There was plenty of laughter, beginning with the Kathleen Madigan CDs, wonderful food, great Margaritas, a kiss and a hug from Tim the Hot Bartender (man, he's got nice lips) and a lot of love. There was (literally) sunshine on Auburn Pisces birthday, and in more ways than one.

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