Thursday, March 31, 2005

Hush or I'm Getting The Nipple Clamps

With Auburn Aries at her Dad’s for half of Spring Break last week, it gave me an opportunity to do things without a time frame. This is a nice feature of adulthood. I forget how lovely it is until I break a rule or two. Sometimes it makes me sad that I gave up so much of me to be Mom. Other times, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I left my house to run a couple of quick errands Saturday morning when Hot Toddy called me at 10 a.m. and invited me to join him for breakfast. His treat.

With no time constraints and no responsibilities to anyone other than to myself, I headed to The Vortex.

With breakfast and Bloody Marys behind us, we stopped briefly by The Vortex so The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz could join us as we headed downtown.

I found it comical to watch Toddy being served a Maker’s Mark, neat, somewhere other than C.C. Slaughter’s. I think Saturday afternoon was another of those occasions where Todd realized just how spoiled he really is.

The bartender grabbed a small bucket and poured precisely one shot of Maker’s Mark into the glass. I watched as HTTO abhorrently focused his attention on the drink that sat before him on the bar. Apparently the bartender had mistaken him for a novice.

Slowly and deliberately he lifted his head looking toward me in total and utter disgust until he made eye contact. It was as though he was moving in slow motion.

“I’m going to have to go to C.C.’s to get drunk when I leave here” he avowed.

First no Patron, now this. Sometimes reality sucks.

Because Todd pays the mortgage on the Maker’s Mark installment plan at C.C.’s, they tend to take really good care of him there. In this other establishment, not so much. In this particular bar on a rainy Saturday afternoon he was just another 6’6” blonde haired, blue-eyed man. Ho hum.

At one point during the afternoon I walked to Spartacus Leathers to purchase some nipple clamps, clit clamps and weights; an errand I had been meaning to take care of for weeks. Upon returning to the bar, The Handsome Prince asked me about my purchase. While showing the boys my new play things, I realized that Toddy was sinking down on his bar stool and was dialing his cell phone.

Apparently I was freaking him out. He was calling our dear friend, Pua, seeking comfort from my world of kink. I had to laugh when he realized it was comfort she would not give!

Toddy was able to get even with me though. Later that evening after we feasted and napped preparing for our next trek out for the evening, we had some time to kill so he and The Handsome Prince taught me Canasta.

They were very patient with me through the first game. I even went out first which was very exciting.

And then it started.

In game two, my dear friend Hot Toddy started singing 60’s tunes during my turn. I don’t mean just singing these tunes, I mean belting them out loud enough for the neighborhood to hear. Songs, mostly hits, by The Beach Boys and The Supremes. He sang Shop Around; Please Mr. Postman; Baby Love; I Get Around; and random show tunes.

While THP was taking his turn, Todd was thinking of the next song. The minute it was my turn he’d break into the most dramatic performance of his life. I begged him to stop, to no avail. I warned him to stop. Nothing. I tried to block him out with my selective hearing, again, nothing. It was throwing me off and I couldn’t get on track, the little bastard.

Early in the game I picked up the discard stack and neglected to use the top card. Damn attention whores. I was legitimately distracted and it threw my whole strategy off. Now I had to use this useless 6 of spades and break up my groove. All that planning was now mixed up. Christ why doesn’t he shut the hell up already?! I felt like Elaine Benes stuck on the subway trying to maintain a stoic look while screaming inside. “SHUT. UP. SHUT-UP. SHUT UUUUUP!!!!!”

“Todd, I’m going to kick your ass if you don’t knock it off,” I threatened. He laughed.

He tried blaming it on coincidence that he happened to be singing during my turn. Does he think I’m new? I was SO onto his game.

My turns comes up again and now not only is HTTO singing but The Handsome Prince has joined in and is either harmonizing wherever possible or belting it out just as strongly as Todd.

The lung power of these two men was unbelievable. They’re smokers for cryin’ out loud. How can they possibly keep singing like that. I found myself praying for a collapsed lung. A brain aneurism. Anything.

“Assholes, the both of you!” I shouted. We all laughed.

Personally, I think they were just jealous because I did so well my first time playing. And I’m just certain that if The Math Whiz hadn’t come out when he did and rattle the game, I would have beat their asses again. Screw that 6 of spades, I would have made a come back, I’m certain of it!

In retrospect, I should have threatened to hook the clamps and chains I had purchased earlier in the day to the protruding parts of Todd's body. That would have shut him up!

Hindsight's a bitch.

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