Thursday, September 22, 2005

Angel Face

Now that the weather has grown increasingly chillier, I’ve been having Auburn Aries sleep in my bed with me. She is so warm.

Last night when I went to bed at 11:30, she moved around with some frustration trying to kick the covers off of her body. I reached over to help her and then laid my hand over her heart. She quickly calmed down and let out this little-girl moan. The innocence in that sleepy, quiet moan moved me. It was like she said I Love You without saying it. I realized yet again how blessed I am that this little girl is mine.

All I could do was lie there next to her and look at her. The light from a waning moon filled my bedroom. It embraced her skin and kissed her delicate little face. I knew this moment was created just for me. I watched her breathe and got a lump in my throat when I remembered she was the product of the love her Dad and I had for one another.

I carried that beautiful, feisty, strong-willed baby inside of me. She is all that I am. I love Aries more than I’ve ever loved anyone but at that moment the love I felt for her actually made my heart and soul ache.

I gently moved a strand of her red hair off her cheek. It must have tickled her a little – she squirmed lightly. “You okay, baby,” I asked. “Yes, Mommy” she whispered.

She is every part of me. I couldn’t live one moment of my life without her in it. I love the way she laughs and how she laughs at herself when she’s being silly. I love that she’ll go toe-to-toe with me even though it drives me insane when she does it. I love that we still tell each other I Love You for no reason at all. I love that I will always be her Mom regardless of what changes are going on in our lives or the world – that will always be the constant.

She’s talked a lot lately about “our family” meaning me, Thor, Toddy and her. She’s asked when our family will be back together. She’s talked of Toddy moving in and how when Thor comes home our family will be together again. She asks practically every other day how much longer Thor will be gone.

Though I have no answer for her, I always remind her he’ll always be one of her two gay Dad’s and that we still have Toddy and that Thor be home soon.

As I write this post, I am reminded how everyone I know is going through so many changes. Metro and Juju and their new house; Pony and his new house; me deciding to sell my house and then wondering whether or not I’m making the right decision; talking to Hot Toddy about moving in; Thor being gone; my neighbors selling their house and getting divorced. Change is everywhere for everyone I know right now.

I find myself feeling as though things are very unsettled, but I have to ask myself if it truly is unsettled or if it’s normal change that’s going on but it just feels bigger for some reason. Everything is in a state of flux. Big decisions hang in the balance as I try to predict the future.

I know everything will be okay. It’s just so interesting to me that what was once balanced now seems unsteady – and figuring out the answer that will stabilize everything again is like drawing a name out of a hat. It could be one of many answers.

My brothers and sisters live elsewhere. They will always be my family but they are not close by. My friends are my family. They are my constant. I am so blessed to have so many riches, none of which have anything to do with money, in my life. Though things seem strange right now and there are many unanswered questions, I don’t want for anything. I have everything I need in the love of my beautiful daughter and my wonderful friends who love me unconditionally.

Sometimes the most rewarding feeling you get is that which you receive when you’re there to be someone’s safe place to fall. Change may be steady among us, but loving each other through it will give us the reassurance we need to survive.

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