Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Today I find myself yearning for deep conversation. I have the desire to get away – to head to the coast when it’s raining and we’re stuck inside with a fire in the fireplace or warmth emanating from a woodstove and a view of the ocean, talking. Or head to the mountains in search of the serenity I need. Not with just anyone, but with someone who truly gets me.

Someone who is my equal, a spiritual person who understands being a Pagan and who can discuss a myriad of topics with ease. Someone…deep.

I’d love to talk with someone about relationships and love; lost love and the subsequent ache your heart feels; about wanting someone so badly you ache inside and how even though age is an issue, it’s better to have loved and lost. Someone, please remind me.

Or discuss how loving someone can be the easiest thing in the world and how it made them soar.

I want to talk with someone who is excited about life and all that it brings – all of the importance in the little things. I want to hear someone agree with me when I tell them how just the right look from the person you are in love with means more than any gift they could ever give you. How when a certain someone touches your cheek or your hand, it fills your emotional bank so full you know nothing could tear you apart.

I want to laugh; I want to blush; I want to giggle like a girlie-girl and just be me. All my guard down, no catering to someone else’s emotional needs or goings on in their lives, no drama, just words. Uninhibited words. Accepted at the lowest level because they just are.

I want to talk about life’s complexities and how I’ve grown through it; I want to hear how another person has grown through it. I want to learn about emotional scars and be right there when that person sheds a tear because they got through it and how they are stronger for having done so.

I want to talk about regrets, both mine and theirs – and for all the things I am grateful for.

I want to talk about how much I miss my Mom and my Dad. I want to be hugged so tightly and so long that pulling away from each other feels unnecessary.

I find that today I miss love - the love of my parents; the love of the siblings I’ve lost; the love of a certain person and the way he touched my life; the love a great relationship brings; the love of a group of good friends gathered on the deck laughing.

I miss my parents and the unity our family had when they were alive. I miss Thor and having him right there – I miss the family that he and Toddy and Aries and I had. I miss Young Stud even though he’s right there for me, still. I miss having someone to tell about my day when I get home each night. I miss having someone to talk to as I make all these huge decisions.

Today I don’t want to be Auburn Pisces with the ovaries that clank. Today I just want to be soft and tender...and loved.

No comments: