Wednesday, September 07, 2005

No Room for Scaredy Cats, Juju

Julie, I read your blog yesterday and was proud of the way you opened your heart. If more people were like you, well, maybe I’d be in a long term relationship! But you’re taken. *sigh*

Too many people leave too many things left unsaid. Whether they are positive things, thoughtful, loving, intimate things or things that simply piss them off. Majority of people aren’t mind readers and too many people are left trying to reckon themselves to the outward behavior their partners display for something that may have nothing to do with what’s going on inside of them.

A cumbersome statement but I hope you understood it nonetheless. My point is that you just made Link’s life much, much easier by sharing what’s real for you.

It was interesting to read some of your fears. They are fears I would never consider having. Perhaps it's why I've been hurt so badly in the past - I've just always followed my heart and never questioned it. I know that I wouldn't change one of those relationships as they've helped make me become who I am. Each one (even the bad relationships) have taught me more about love, about myself, and about what I am and am not willing to deal with the “next time.” Hopefully one of these days there won’t be a next time.

Loving someone can be the most challenging thing in the world. Conversely, it's also the most rewarding. People have envied me and/or my life because I do and say what I want; because I love and don’t love who I want. I am not one to be placed inside the confines of gay or straight. You can’t help who you love.

The flip side to living the way I do is that in the silence of the night when all the chaos is stripped away, it’s just me. Alone. I love my life but you have someone who lives inside your soul with you. You have someone with whom you share your dreams and fears. Your core personality traits will always remain, Julie. Loving Link enhances who you are. You're not the type to let it smother who you are.

Gushing about the person you love is part of the excitement of a relationship. Don’t rob yourself of the honeymoon stages of love because you’re afraid of losing your independence. Your independence just grew to the power of two. You’re strong for you, strong for Link when he needs it and you’re strong for the relationship.

Relationships aren’t for weinies, Sister Friend.

I know you worry about getting married. Not getting married to Link necessarily but getting married in general. I understand your fears but let me share a little secret with you. Very little has to change. I know change happens in a lot of relationships but, Sister, I’m here to tell you – I still gave my husband head after nine years! I think I was the only wife left in our group of five or six couples that did but I did and that’s the point. You make it what you want it to be.

It’s true you become more comfortable with each other as things become more familiar. But within the journey of the relationship there is a new found solace, solid trust, knowing what buttons to push (or to avoid).

I enjoyed being married. I liked being someone’s wife. Even now that I identify as a lesbian, I would still enjoy being someone’s wife someday. I have come to realize that exchanging rings during a romantic evening, over a good bottle of wine and making love after you commit yourself to one another represents the marriage of two hearts more so than spending $10,000 on a wedding.

What you and Link have is real and anyone who knows you knows that.

As for kids, you’ll jump off that bridge when you get to it. There’s no good time to have them nor is there ever enough money to do so. They will change your life for the better if you’re open to it. You’ll fall so deeply in love with your child – it’ll be a love you’ve never known before.

I am a single parent and have been for seven years. It’s a hard job. There are days I call Toddy crying because I am at the end of my rope and stretched to the limit but everyday I get through it. Even in tears, I’m one of the strongest women I know. I don’t ever hate my life. Not ever. And neither will you when and if you and Link decide to have children.

Making time for yourself once you have a family is one of the first rules you learn. It’s similar to when you fly on a jet – you put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then on your child. If you take care of your child first and then you croak off what damn good did that do? Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean your child or your family will perish. On the contrary, they will thrive because of it. Taking care of yourself doesn’t equal selfishness. It creates balance.

There are stretches of time that will be boring whether you’re married or single, a parent or not, acting in a play or lying around the house. Those down times are often the times you are supposed to recharge your batteries and you don’t even realize it. Imagine your life on the go non-stop with event after event taking place. You’d be Googling “bored” and willing to pay a fortune for an off day.

With regard to your concern that you may find yourself never having enough… It took me a number of years to realize that never having enough gets exhausting. Both monetarily and emotionally. There is a natural evolution that takes place as you go through your life. It happens for everyone. A house. New furniture. Nicer clothes. Expensive Italian made shoes (oh, wait, that’s me). Buying this modern convenience or that. That’s normal. As you become more monetarily successful in your life you desire those things. Those things often times signify your success.

The key is once you have what you need, you need to recognize it and break the cycle. Keep it simple. I have an abundance of things in my life that I don’t need (and, no, the shoes aren’t part of that). I don’t want for anything. I have everything I need and I am at the point that I need to simplify my life and eliminate that abundance.

You know the saying “the most important things in life aren’t things” is true. Enjoy spoiling yourself here and there while you get established and then stop and look around at the life you and Link have created for yourselves and be proud of your achievements.

The potential to be unfaithful to Link... Knock it off and stop future trippin’ on what has not and probably will not happen!! Try as you might you will both inadvertently hurt each other now and again. Hopefully it won’t be due to infidelity. So long as you are his safe place to fall and he yours, everything will be okay.

You’re not the needy type. Neither am I. But for the times you just need someone to be there for you to love you and hold you when you feel small and vulnerable you have that in Link and me and Hot Toddy and The Elements and everyone else who loves you as much as we do.

I don’t know anyone who has ever had someone open their hearts to them and decided to use that against the person giving that love because they are now vulnerable. “She’s loves me, now I’ve got her.” No, no, no. “She loves me and now I will do everything I can to protect and love her with all that is in me.”

Not sharing how strongly you feel about something is like lying – to yourself and to those you love. Just be yourself and give your heart and experience everything you can.

And stop future trippin’ about whether or not you might feel empty. You are inherently not weak. You are inherently okay being alone if you need to. Everyone loves to be loved. That’s normal. Wanting to be loved or be happy doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re normal.

I’d love nothing more than to spend a significant amount of time with someone special. Someone who makes my eyes light up when they enter a room or who can make me smile that certain way when you’re in love. Doesn’t make me weak to want it. Won’t make me weak when I find it again.

Just because you can get married and gay and lesbian couples can’t, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. The rights of the GLBT community have long been fought. That war continues. It is a succession of battles that continue to exhaust those it affects. Our day will come. And until then each and every one of us knows that it’s love that makes a family.

You will always be smart and funny and beautiful and sexy and the light of many people’s lives. No house, no “stuff,” no Link can change who you are at your core. It’s your turn – in love, in life. Embrace it and everything about it. One of the bravest things a person can do is look at the complexity of life with all of it’s intricacies and walk through those fears to the other side.

You and Link are blessed.

Please know that I meant all of this with the utmost respect. It, in no way, was meant to sound like I was blasting you. You’re post yesterday was so honest that I felt compelled to share my thoughts. I love you Julie, and Link, and I know that you two will be happy together always.

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