Tuesday, December 14, 2004

5% Sister Friend

In Diomedes Strikes Again, I reference Diomedes as being 5% Sister-Friend. My good friend Brown Eyes has requested that I share how that came to be. This, too, will affirm the way Diomedes’ mind works. I hope you find it as intriguing as I do.

Once upon a time, there was a lesbian named Auburn Pisces who lived in Portland, Oregon. She was loved by many. Auburn Pisces is outgoing, loves to laugh, and enjoys horsing around and spending time with good friends. She is very protective of those with whom she is close. They say she has ovaries big enough to clank simply because she speaks the truth and, at times, seems fearless in her approach. More often than not (zip it, Fairy Godmother), the instant a thought lands on one of Auburn Pisces’ brain cells, it passes through her lips. Uncensored.

This is true of her humor as well. In as much as AP is a femme, she has been known to drop a few jaws at her high-spirited drollery.

Auburn Pisces refers to her closest female friends as Sister or Sister-Friend. It is indicative of the bond she feels toward the women in her life.

One day while getting on an elevator at work, Auburn Pisces and Ms Karma were joking around in their usual fashion. The conversation turned piggish very quickly. It just so happened that Diomedes was boarding the same elevator, at which point AP quickly apologized explaining to Diomedes that she has 10 brothers (AP is one of 14 children) and humor such as that which she had spoken, though it seems crass to most, was really no big deal in her world.

(Translation: dear gawd please don’t think I am a pig just because I made a joke like one.) Though Auburn Pisces would like to give off the appearance she’s 10 feet tall and bulletproof, some opinions do matter to her to her tender heart.

Diomedes having the brilliant mind that he does proceeded through a portion of his day apparently contemplating what AP had said to him… (I say “a portion of his day” when in fact what it probably amounted to was five or ten minutes!) ...10 brothers. Sister-Friend. Piggish comments.

Later that day, Diomedes shared with Auburn Pisces the algebraic calculations of his brainstorm regarding Sister-Friend percentages. Below is a copy of the actual email he sent to AP. And, this is how Diomedes became an Honorary Sister Friend:


Ok, here goes.

You said that you were "mostly pig" since you have ten brothers. The assumptions I have made are myriad --

1. That which is not pig is sister-friend -- there is nothing else.
2. All women are 100% sister-friend to begin with, while men are 100% pig to begin with.
3. Having sisters does not make a woman more of a sister-friend, nor brothers a man more piggish.

Keeping these assumptions in mind, I then turn to the idea of "mostly pig."
At a minimum, "mostly pig" means that it is an infinitesimal degree above 50%; hence I'll call the minimum limit 50% even. Going back to assumptions 1 and 2, this also means that you are less than 50% sister-friend.

My guess is that since you referred to your brothers collectively, that each of them contributes equally to your PQ (pig quotient). Hence, I would assume each brother contributes at least 5%, since that is minimum 50% divided ten ways. This is a large assumption, because it would mean a woman with 20 brothers would be 100% pig, so I would suggest that there is something akin to relativistic behavior as you approach the upper reaches of the opposite gender's percentiles. But let us suppose that these figures are accurate for the smaller domain with which we are working.

I have one sister, hence, assuming the same behavior and also that of assumptions 1 and 2, it follows that I am at least 5% sister-friend -- perhaps more, depending on how porcine you are. Assumptions 1 and 2 actually could mean that if each brother contributes 9.5% to your piggishness, and you are 95% pig, this would make me 9.5% sister-friend, meaning that I would actually be more of a sister-friend than you, but I think this somewhat unlikely. See the above paragraph. I think the relationship may be more hyperbolic, and I will keep you posted on the latest developments in gender algebra.

Rock on, sister!

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