Friday, December 10, 2004

Diomedes Strikes Again

Warning: This blog may be offensive to those with a pure heart. Read at your own risk!!!

I work with a particular guy that, at a glance, appears to be one of the quietest people you'll ever meet. When speaking with him, you'll find he speaks somewhat under his breath. He's a part-time employee as he is completing a degree, so I only have the pleasure of his anecdotes half the day. He is a highly intelligent man who ordinarily keeps most opinions to himself. It would appear he finds a lot of people and conversation insipid. He is very well read and finds most modern creative writing masturbatory. He has a rapier wit and I find him an amazing source of entertainment...when he's pissed.

He and I communicate daily. It's not uncommon for me to inquire as to his state of mind. I do this because I know if he's having a bit of a pissy day, I will receive the best comedy possible.

Diomedes... Good morning, sunshine
Auburn Pisces... good morning.
Auburn Pisces... how are you this a.m
Diomedes... I'm pissed off
Auburn Pisces... yeah!
Auburn Pisces... why for?
Diomedes... I don't care
Auburn Pisces... right on! me either.
Diomedes... Could it be the little cocksnot kid on the bus listening to his walkman loud enough that it could be heard outside the bus?
Diomedes... Or maybe it's pent-up post-final exam rage?
Diomedes... These things are a mystery even to me
Auburn Pisces... it's margarita time buddy!
Diomedes... As soon as I figure out which carrot fucker has cheesed me off.... bad things will happen
Auburn Pisces... i know who the cheese head motherfucker is that pissed in my wheaties. her name is ...
Diomedes... Well up hers with a garbage truck!
Diomedes... Fucker!
Auburn Pisces... no shit.
Auburn Pisces... she's being an asshole.
Auburn Pisces... jerkoff.
Diomedes... Damn, after reading your blog, she really pisses me off
Auburn Pisces... yeah, well there's more. while we were together, we had ...(can't disclose this story publicly, sorry) ...because she moved on so quickly the [bleeeeeep], and I felt hurt because she references how (can't disclose this either) so fuck them both.
Diomedes... What the hell?
Diomedes... Someone should take away her vagina license
Diomedes... That's just irresponsible
Diomedes... God, people are such fucks!
Diomedes... Macaroni and cheese shouldn't come in a box!
Diomedes... Shock therapy is a bad idea!
Diomedes... The world is upside down.
Auburn Pisces... i agree. i told her if she wants to (censored) that's fine but to stop referencing our relationship like it was unsatisfying and prevented her from being herself. when i know differently.
Auburn Pisces... i wish i could pick her up by her ankles and smack her against the desk like a barbie doll. and yes, her vagina license needs to be revoked.
Diomedes... Yeah, we should call the OVA
Diomedes... And get it revoked
Auburn Pisces... ova? office of vagina administration?!!!
Auburn Pisces... LOLOLOLOL
Diomedes... Yeah, I almost took a job being a vagina inspector with them
Diomedes... But they said I was too much woman for the job -- it'd interfere with my judgement
Auburn Pisces... that's because your 5% Sister Friend.
Auburn Pisces... no surprise they turned you down.
Diomedes... Besides, I don't know if I could sit behind a desk issuing licenses and looking at c**ts all day
Diomedes... It's much better to look at the clothy walls of my cube
Auburn Pisces... today, i agree with your assessment of the cube walls.
Diomedes... Why is that? You're usually so down on the cubes
Auburn Pisces... today, i'm down on the c**ts
Diomedes... Well, I can understand that
Diomedes... I came to an interesting realization about my cubicle
Diomedes... I thought -- what is the central metaphor of the office
Diomedes... The central metaphor of the office is the storage and retrieval of information
Diomedes... ... in other words, the central metaphor of the office is filing
Diomedes... Filing works by dividing stuff into categories, then ordering them, and dividing them into sub-categories and sub-sub-categories and so on
Diomedes... I came to realize that this metaphor extends quite nicely to the cubicle
Diomedes... In other words, you and I have been filed
Diomedes... I'm not sure how I feel about that
Diomedes... Actually I do know how I feel: I don't care!
Diomedes... What is it compared to the crime against humanity that is modern country music?
Diomedes... I also hate upscale yuppie restaurants that people just go to be seen at
Auburn Pisces... filed. shit...
Diomedes... What a fantastic waste of time!
Diomedes... I could bitch at you all day long!
Diomedes... You can't get a good pair of shoes anymore! What the fuck?
Diomedes... The Web is stupid! Corn dogs suck!
Diomedes... My rage waxeth and I grow inarticulate and ham-fisted!
Diomedes... The people who thought up diamond rings should be rounded up and shot!
Diomedes... The people who thought up class rings may live, but must give me an arm in tribute.
Diomedes... Since I am feeling benevolent, they may choose which arm
Diomedes... Modern poetry is ghastly
Diomedes... I see it spattered all about the bus on my bus ride in
Diomedes... Poets write about feelings and images, and it's hard to believe the feelings and images of the day are so pedestrian
Diomedes... Fuck you bus poets! You guys suck at poetry! Go back to cooking fries I won't eat!
Diomedes... I bet they just want to call themselves 'writers' so they can get the kind of girl who thinks she's smart!
Diomedes... What a fucking racket!
Diomedes... They should masturbate somewhere else, those no-talent hacks! Bus poets!
Diomedes... Me and my impotent little rage
Diomedes... Being an angry little man was enough for to conquer nations, once upon a time
Diomedes... Empires forged, wars fought and won... these were the workings of the angry little man whose anger was contagious
Diomedes... What a load of bullshit I'm spouting! This is some second rate invective to be sure!
Diomedes... I must be getting soft! Society is trying to make amends with pizza and noodles and computer science! I'm losing my edge!
Diomedes... Those hemmhroids! How dare they coddle me!
Auburn Pisces... you're killing me today. i love it when you're outraged... but i am curious about the bad bus poetry... specifically like what? was it ON the bus?
Diomedes... They post it on the inside of the bus
Diomedes... Up across the top where ads are usually kept
Auburn Pisces... can i write about you in my blog?
Diomedes... It's a free country
Auburn Pisces... today's rage will be good for a giggle... you're on top of your pissy game today.
Diomedes... I don't know, call me anything! Pretend you're writing a book or something!
Diomedes... This is boring
Auburn Pisces... I know.
Diomedes... I'm done with my work and want to go do other work
Auburn Pisces... well, if you're not going to give me any input on a name, I'll get with Ms Karma and we'll come up with something appropriate.
Auburn Pisces... it's settled Diomedes it is!

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