Wood Elves and Door Check Chicks

Recently, Hot Toddy and The Math Whiz and I collaborated at C.C. Slaughters. We were, as usual, surrounded by boy porn, my personal favorite. The Hot Bartender always accommodates my boy porn need by putting in “something good [for you].” I must admit, I am impressed with his selections.

In our usual joking fashion and in an attempt to mock a certain NYC indiscretion, Hot Toddy declared, “Let me know if you see anyone you like in here, so that I can hurry and go kiss them!” The Math Whiz and I made a quick assessment of what was available at C.C.’s. The Math Whiz and I agreed, there was no one.

“Well,” Hot Toddy said, “I want to kiss someone, so pick someone that I can kiss.” With Hot Toddy completely underestimating my boldness and trusting me completely, I said, “Hey, Hot Bartender,” he looks up, “Yeah, Auburn Pisces.” “Can Todd kiss you?”

For the briefest of moments, there were no words spoken. A pause really, followed by a look of horror… “Can YOU kiss me?” What the hell, like I’m second rate goods? Oh, wait, I have breasts, that’s the problem – duh, I’m in a gay bar. “NO!... Can Todd kiss you?”

An instant sigh of relief, “Now THAT I can do. Todd can kiss me anytime.” Whew, my job here is done!

And then I got it with both barrels… “Auburn Pisces, you just totally embarrassed me! I can’t believe you did that!” “What,” I coyly replied “you said I could pick the guy. Hot Bartender is the best guy.” “I know, but you didn’t have to say that!”

You’d think after all this time, Hot Toddy’s Toaster Oven would realize, I’m not lacking in ovaries. I don’t when the red glow of embarrassment faded from Toddy’s face following that exchange.

While ordering the next round and as the bar became increasingly more crowded, I couldn’t help but notice the abundance of straight chicks bouncing all over the place. I mentioned this to The Hot Bartender. “It isn’t enough straight chicks hang out in the lesbian bars, now they’re invading gay bars.” Hot Bartender agreed noting that Darcelle 15 was just around the corner and they do a big business in engagement parties. The straight girls just cruise around the corner to C.C.’s.

As one of these obviously straight, plastic girls bopped on by I watched her walk toward the door. She stopped to speak to the door check. And then the comedy between the three of us ensued:

“Where’d that straight chick go?”
“She’s talking to Dora the Door Check Chick.” (I have no idea what her name really is)
“Dora the door check chick?!
“What if Dora the Door Check Chick was a geek? Then she’d be Dora the Dorky Door Check Chick!”
“What if Dora the Dorky Door Check Chick was from Czechoslovakia? Then she’d be Dora the Dorky Czech Door Check Chick.”
“Well, if she’s from Czechoslovakia then her last name would probably be Chekhov. That would make her Dora Chekhov the Dorky Czech Door Check Chick.”

It was all we could do to keep it together we were laughing so hard.

Later on, we noticed that there was one man on the dance floor. This man was clearly hammered. He looked similar to a man we see around the office buildings where we work. We call him the Wood Elf. We don’t know who he is. He has a smallish body and a little head and his face looks like, well, an elf. The man on the dance floor looked like him.

We watched as he gyrated all over the place. Is he on X? Is he just drunk? He was wearing a tie and slacks so he must work downtown somewhere. At one point he removed his tie while he was dancing and it became a prop. Holding each end (in all of his.. ahem.. drunken sexiness…blech) he placed the tie behind his head and slid it shoulder to wrist. It was quite a spectacle.

At one point Hot Toddy states, “God, I hope he doesn’t hang himself with that tie. That would be horrible. He’d just be hanging there . Wouldn’t it be funny if he hung himself and I walked up and not knowing he was dead asked him to dance? … Okay, I’m going to spin you now!” Todd pretended to grab an arm and fling him. Though this all sounds in poor taste, okay, maybe it was, but it was funny as hell as Hot Toddy made his comedic delivery. I couldn’t stop laughing.

The funny thing is, later that evening after The Math Whiz left, Todd and I were sitting alone at that same table just talking, when approaching us from the bar was none other than – you guessed it – the wood elf.

As we saw him approaching, I positioned myself to face sideways so as to not make eye contact. Toddy, having the big heart that he does, (placed his left hand on my thigh and squeezed my leg), awaiting the train wreck. “Hi” the wood elf spoke. Todd greeted him with kindness and then proceeded to try not to laugh (or make my leg bleed) while he gently turned down wood elf’s advances.

That poor little man tried everything to convince Toddy it would be time well spent. If only he knew the image that we both had in our heads from his dance earlier. The wood elf finally went away, moving from guy to guy down the bar back toward the dance floor, all alone. The poor little elf bastard.

With 2004 coming to a close, I find myself reflective of all the laughter I have shared with good friends this year. I am glad to find I will end the year thinking of this rather than all the heavy relationship crap that’s taken place this year. Wait, I guess I just thought about it didn’t I? The good thing is it rents less space in my head now than it used to. Hot Toddy continues to chant (for both our benefit) time is what it takes to heal. He’s right. Hot Toddy’s Toaster Oven is a wise man. We should all listen to him more. Especially if you are The Rock, a cute, Asian, blonde bodybuilder, a Hot Bartender and men of substance.

I have met and strengthened friendships that I know will last a lifetime. Friends are those you choose to be in your life. And I think I’ve picked some pretty amazing friends. I hope they feel as blessed to have me in their lives as I do to have them in mine.

And then there are blog friends. Hot Toddy and Pony are the two who bitched at convinced me to start this blog. Thank you to the two of them for hookin’ me up. Not only am I having a good time blogging, I have gained new friends here as well. You are all such amazing people with such kind hearts.

It’s been interesting to read back through my blog and see where I was at based on my writing. It truly is cathartic. Hopefully in the New Year my blog will be less introspective and more light-hearted.

It isn’t as though I’m ever short on comedic material to write. Just yesterday HTTO and I were finishing up lunch when he remembered he wanted to stop by his bank and make a deposit. In filling out the deposit slip where you would normally write the bank numbers off of the check, he wrote Aub… and then leaned in closer to look at it. I leaned in the same time he did to see what the hell he was doing and we both started laughing.

The funny thing is that he didn’t even write Marilyn (my real name). He was actually writing Auburn Pisces on the deposit slip. My sweet, A.D.D. Libra. Goddess love ‘em.

Night before last we were at C.C.’s with Ms Karma and Mama Karma. Mama Karma had just flown in from France. Conversations were all over the place. Hot Toddy was in rare form and as usual, I couldn’t stop laughing. Every time Mama Karma would begin a story Todd would encourage her to continue by interrupting her and saying, “You go ahead, Mama Karma, put it on out there. You tell us your story.”

At one point Mama Karma said, “When I celebrated Ramadan in Bahrain I….” That’s all the further she got before Hot Toddy interjected (in dramatic form with as serious a delivery as he could give), “Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I celebrated Ramadan in Bahrain…..” We lost it right after the “if I had a nickel” part. The man is a genius.

I am very pleased that he and The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz and Hot Momma and Ms Karma and Oak Point Man and Brown Eyes and Diomedes are all part of my life. Let the good times roll.

Merry Christmas!