I drove in listening to a comedy CD my friend gave me. I was laughing my ass off in the car as I drove. Kathleen Madigan in the best comedian EVER! I couldn't wait to get here and get my fingers on the keys...not for the company's gain but for my own selfish gain - blogging.
My friends are missing today. Ms Karma took a couple of days off and Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven...well, he's headed to NYC
HT: "I'm at the airport. I'm all checked in. It went quickly and I'm just having a smoke before go through security."
AP: "Well, you're going to have a kick-ass day, Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven. Everything will be fine."
HT: "I'm going to stop and get money from the ATM before I get on the plane. Except this time, I'll remember to get my ATM card out of the machine (see #2 and my personal favorite #7).
HT: "Oh, and I'm not wearing a belt. That'll help."
AP: "Help what? Having on easy access pants doesn't mean you can let the Pilot blow you before you get to your seat."
HT: laughs. "No, it's so when I go through security I won't set off the alarm and have to remove my belt everytime. Only problem is I'll be walking through airports all across the country with droopy pants."
AP: "Well, doesn't much matter. There'll be some hot, gay flight attendant on board that's going to flirt with you all the way to Minneapolis anyway."
HT: "If there's a God!"
AP: "I'm gonna miss hanging with you this weekend, but have a great time and tell everyone I said hello. "
HT: "I will. You know you can always call The Handsome Prince and the Math Whiz and hang out with them again while I'm gone."
AP: "Yeah, but it's just not the same."
HT: laughs, pauses. "What are you talking about?! It's EXACTLY the same!!"
AP: laughs, "You're right, what was I thinking."
HT: "So you'll pick me up at the airport on Monday and we'll hang in The Vortex and I'll tell you all about my trip, right?"
AP: "Absolutely. When do you get into Minneapolis?"
HT: "Around noon."
AP: "Do you have a book to read on the flight?"
HT: "Yes, Mom, I do."
AP: "Good gawd, I did sound just like your Mom!"
So, in summary here is my advice for Hot Toddy on his adventure:
1. If hot flight attendants flirt with you and offer you free drinks, take them. (not that this needed saying, but..)
2. If the Pilot gives you a quick wink as you board the plane, interpret that as his noticing your belt is missing and he's interested in giving you a tour of the cock...pit.
3. Never refer to the woman who asks if you have a book to read on the flight as Mom...especially when you were her brother and father in past lives...that's just gross.
4. If opportunity presents itself in NY, trust your instincts.
5. If there's an awesome lesbian blogger looking for someone on the "left coast" who's exciting to hang with and has a big heart, tell her how to get to my house.
6. Drunk dial messages will be left to go to voice mail so that I may blog about them next week.
7. Coming home rested and refreshed will not be tolerated. You need to come home to recuperate and detox.
8. Lamb tastes like sweet, innocent victim...Don't go there on this trip.
9. You needn't worry about your ego being "smashed into a million pieces" while in NY so there's no need to ram your head into a concrete pillar like you tried to do here this week.
10. I'm sure the wood elf will still be here when you return.