I can’t find a groove right now. The odd thing is that I feel okay but events seem to leave me feeling as though everything is in disarray. Even where to begin seems difficult.
I think I decided this last weekend to sell my house. In as much as the mere thought of moving again exhausts me mentally, I don’t see any reason to continue to live in a 3,000 square foot house. I’m not knocking the openness or space I have. On the contrary, I love it. It just seems like such abundance isn’t necessary.
I bought the house with Daddy D. Though my name is the only name on the loan, we made the commitment together. We were to be a family in that house. We bought it specifically because it had that much space. We had ideas about how to utilize it that best fit our lifestyle.
The house has never really been what I wanted. As a matter of fact, I was looking at row houses. Something classy, contemporary, and perfect for just me and my kid. And then this relationship appeared out of nowhere and swept me off my feet.
I trusted her. I trusted in all that she shared; all that she promised. The house needed cosmetic updates that were only going to increase the value of the house and with little effort. Those things were, however, not things this femme could do on her own. Hell, I don’t even own a decent set of tools. My tool box consists of donations from friends (thank you, Nancy). And, donations are still being accepted!
When we bought the house Daddy D told me we were buying it as friends and that it had nothing to do with our relationship. She said that even in the off chance that we didn’t make it she would still give me money every week to help care for the house. She said that she’d still come over and take care of all of the butch things that needed doing. None of these things would appear to be true at this point. Dare I hold my breath? I think not.
In the time we were in the house together, we did get some things started. Notice I said started. Daddy D’s never finished anything she’s started in the house which is definitely unlike a Virgo. And to be quite frank, now that she’s moved onto her next ex, I doubt she’ll be bothering to see any of those projects to completion, though she still swears she’s going to.
I was able to re-fi the house and eliminate a large chunk of my debt load. That was cool. Except that every time I make the inflated house payment it rocks my world for a little while. It truly was advantageous to consolidate and I’m glad I did. I realized this last weekend that a house payment that big was ridiculous though.
I have an entire downstairs that’s empty. Auburn Aries won’t even go downstairs if it’s dark because it scares her. I can’t fix the house up, nor can I afford to hire a contractor to finish up what’s been started. Which I will need to do in order to sell house.
The house and all that it represents, ties me to Daddy D. So many promises were made in that house that have all been broken. So many moments shared that will never be again. In the meantime, I float around in the house trying to make it a home, which I have done for Auburn Aries, but it all seems so pointless sometimes.
I will keep Auburn Aries in the same school and try to find something in the same area for the time being. I need to find someone to help me get a few things done before I can sell it.
I’m not in a hurry to do so. It’s just time to simplify and find my bounty within myself and the love I have for Auburn Aries. She is my priority, not maintaining this damn house. I’ll have to see how things go. This is just where I am at today.
I have a job interview today. It’s for an IT Performance Analyst. The job sounds perfect. I find myself excited and nervous. I have become so accustomed to working with Ms Karma and Hot Toddy’s Toaster Oven that not being near them all day long would suck. But I can no longer hate coming to work every day because I work for a woman who just doesn’t get it. Perhaps if I were ten years younger, I would be willing to play her bullshit games and go toe-to-toe with her. But I’m not and I won’t. I’m just not there anymore. This isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing.
I attended a Yule ritual Sunday night. My friends the Arch-Druid and the High Priestess invited me to join them this year. My spiritual guide and dear friend The Druid wrote the ritual. I found it fun and spiritually rewarding. Each time I have participated in rituals with this particular group of people, I feel empowered. Even more so than when I practice alone. Being a Solitaire has its advantages. Participating as part of a group, at times, has even more.
I know that concerning all things, I need to release it to the Powers and have faith things will work out as they should. Why, right now, does it feel so hard?
Then there’s Christmas. I cannot seem to find a groove with that either this year. My house is decorated. Fairy Godmother put the lights up for me this year. Our tree is the best one yet. Auburn Aries is so proud of it. Daddy D came by and saw it and said it looks like a femme’s Christmas tree. Was that a compliment or a slam? I’m taking it as a compliment. Last year I got to see what the butch tree looked like and mine is better.
I haven’t finished shopping for my daughter yet. Though I am close to being done. There isn’t excitement in the air for me this year. I haven’t played any Christmas music like I usually do. Quite frankly, I’m afraid to. I know they’ll just make me cry and realize what I'm missing this year. With my Mom dying last year it was hard enough. Now add it no parents and the dissolution of a polyamorous relationship in a house I don’t think I want anymore, and my siblings being scattered about. It feels lonely this year. And I don’t like that.
I know that I am blessed in my life. I know that I have many, many things for which to be thankful. Why is it right now all I can feel is what I don’t have? This is such a weird feeling for me. Blessed but empty, loved by lonely, rich in so many ways, yet reduced to thinking of the ways I am not.
I started this entry yesterday (Monday). I got busy and didn’t get a chance to finish it. Today is Winter Solstice which is very exciting. The end of darkness. For someone like me who suffers with Seasonal Affective Disorder, today is a big day for me. Knowing the days become longer and there will be more light is a wonderful feeling. I need to go buy myself some flowers to brighten my day.
After rereading this draft, I find I feel the same today as I did yesterday. I am just going to roll with it and try to not seek answers. Though I have had a lot happen in the last year that has broken my heart, I know that I am stronger than this. This, too, shall pass.
Perhaps it’s just the S.A.D.; perhaps I come by these feelings honestly. All I know right now is that I need to have Patience and Faith and believe that everything will be okay. Somehow things have a way of working themselves out.
Be well and Happy Solstice!