Thursday, May 05, 2005

This, too, did pass

She was here and then she was gone. Thanks to good ol' brass-ovaried Auburn Pisces, the great sex is gone. I tried, but I couldn't do it. Oh, the sex part I did splendidly, but the relationship stuff...THAT I struggled with.

Sexy Girl was many things that I hadn't had in my last couple of partners. Conversely, she also displayed many things that caused me to dig my heels in. I'm thinkin' my dyke boots need to be resoled.

Though my attraction for her is nowhere near gone, I cannot help but have the place where that attraction lived replaced by concern. She doesn't want me to end it. She's essentially begging me to take her back. No essentially...she IS begging me to take her back. She wants the opportunity to prove she's worthy of a second chance. What kind of person doesn't give someone a second chance? I mean, isn't that part of compassion and believing in people?

Problem with that is, I've spent my entire life believing in people - believing they would do the right thing if given a second chance. The clincher on that proposition is when they don't come through you're left wishing you hadn't trusted them in the first place. You become bitter and alienated toward that person and are left to deal with your emotion.

This time, no matter how cute she is and how great the sex is, I need to be strong enough to say no. I have to stick to my boundaries.

Sexy Girl questioned everything I did as though she didn't believe me. I am unaccustomed to being questioned. If I answered the phone with just a Hello when she called, she was disappointed that even though I saw it was her on the caller ID I wasn't more affectionate with my salutation. She actually told me the other night, while standing in my dining room ironing and talking to Thor, that if I didn't like what she was saying maybe I should leave the room. In my own house. Can you believe that? I responded by telling her she was this close to being permanently uninvited to my house.

She bossed me in my own damn house... Oh, HELL no.

She moved too switfly for me. You can't enjoy the get to know you stage while building a foundation when one of the people is talking about marrying you in three years. Good Gawd. After ten days, I don't even know what her bad habits are yet. Maybe she scratches herself and peels bananas with her feet. How the hell would I know until some times passes. And once those I Love You's start flying around, well, you can't unring that bell and it makes it a bazillion times harder to break up once those words are spoken. Love is supposed to be unconditional. So you damn well better be sure before you jump off that bridge.

There is a part of me who wants to believe her. Who wants to see what she can pull out of her hat. The stakes are just so high for me that I am unwilling to take that chance. Auburn Aries does not deserve to walk down another path with another partner of mine only to find someone else has walked out of her life.

When I told Aries about her, she was concerned. She said that nobody loves kids and that I've had mean partners. Though her comment cut to the bone, she was right. It didn't start out that way, but very well ended up that way. I thought I knew these women when, in fact, they never bought into the package deal of mother and daughter. They wanted the mother and tolerated the daughter. I asked her to give Sexy Girl the benefit of the doubt, which she did and they hit it off. This time, however, the red flags are directly related to me and I'm not ignoring them.

I am beautiful and funny and smart and kind and generous and honest and I deserve someone who is up for the ride of a lifetime. Someone who is equal to the task and who gets me. Until that time comes, I'll be in The Vortex with My Boys.

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