Sunday, January 22, 2006

Can Anyone Hear Me?

There is still so much to discuss, yet I find I have but one thing I am capable of blogging tonight.

I find myself submerged deep in frustration tonight. I can feel the heat from the frustration soaking my core from the inside out. It's hot. It's agitating.

I try everyday to live my life like a compassionate human being. I try to be aware of others and their needs. It isn't something I set out to do like some martyr on a mission. It's more about the fact that I can feel what's going on for other people and to ignore it is like looking up at the sky on a bright summer day with the sun directly overhead and trying to avoid looking at it.

For whatever reason right now my path is such that I am destined to help people. And I'm tired. I don't want to be, but I am. The thing about being friends with me is that (I am borrowing this observation from a friend) when you're friends with me I hold you up everytime you need it. It isn't a grand gesture - it just happens.

It's the true meaning of friendship.

The thing about my friendship and me is that you don't even realize I'm holding you up until I reach out to hold up someone else. I don't mind that I'm like this. On the contrary, I'd have it no other way; but when am I held?

At what point is someone there to hold me up when I need it?

I have so much shit going on in my life right now that I don't fucking know which way is up. And I'm alone. I'm so busy holding everyone else up that my god damned arms are tired. My heart is tired. My soul aches.

All I've done all week is fucking cook and do dishes 19 times a fucking day. The laundry is behind; Auburn Aries' rooms are a pig sty; I'm behind in my bills; even sitting here at my writing desk I look around at paperwork that is everywhere in stacks. My shit is falling behind while I help keep everyone else's shit together.

Hell, I even had a friend ask to borrow money the other day even though this person knows I've lost my job and have not signed the separation agreement which kicks off my severance package yet and that my income has ceased. With the promise of immediate repayment, I agreed (I know, don't yell at me - you can't beat me up anymore than I've already done myself). In all honesty, it's the lending of money trying to help someone else out that ignited all of this emotion tonight.

I'm scared. Where the hell is everybody when Auburn Pisces is scared? Is anyone listening?

I honestly cannot believe that I've managed to hold it together like I have. Okay, right now doesn't count because I cannot consider this outburst as holding it together. I know it's likely that I'll read this tomorrow and need to print a correction for losing my cool. But for now, this is all there is.

I've helped K9 to the point that I don't know what else I can do for him. The thing there is I've stopped trying to help him find a solution. It's his solution to find and I am not a part of it. But his energy, his pull on my energy still exists. At what point do you turn your back and say enough?

Someone in our blog family commented in my blog sometime around the PMS blog (I hesitate to research who it was because my laptop has been temperamental lately and I'd prefer to stay in this window) that it always happens that you extend your home to someone only to end up being the one to have to tell them to leave and then you end up the heavy in the whole situation because you had to draw a line in the sand. How right on the money was THAT comment?!

My dear friend, Brown Eyes, is staying with us for a couple of weeks due to a change in his situation. And Brown Eyes, this isn't directed at you. You know I would help you anytime you need it. But the energy drain from K9 has left me feeling like I have nothing left tonight. I beg you not to take this personally and I'm asking you to trust me when I say this to you.

There is so much activity in my house, so much needed by everyone else that I'm neglecting myself. Hot Toddy's been hiding out downstairs all day long and the bummer is I really needed him today but could not have gotten 15 minutes alone with him to talk even if I wanted it - which I did very much.

On March 5th I will turn 43 years old. Last year Hot Toddy, The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz threw me a fantastic birthday party in The Vortex. This year I was thinking about gathering the family together to have cocktails somewhere so we could all laugh and be together. But then I thought about the alcohol factor and how tired I am of being surrounded by that and knowing the potential exists that I could end up being a caretaker o' the hammered that I don't think I want to get together this year.

Then I thought about gathering The Fam at the coast in a rental house for the weekend - I love the coast so much and the thought of everyone gathered in my favorite place thrilled me. However, I think all I want to do it head to the coast to my favorite little rental house on the beach - alone. Do a ritual or 10. Watch a movie or not. Read a book or sleep all damn day. No phone, no human contact, no one's needs but my own.

Hell, I deserve to at least give myself what it is I really want - and right now all I want is peace and quiet.

Let me close by saying that I know I have people out there who care about me and who check on me. Ren..your friendship never goes unnoticed. Young know how I feel about you - I wish you were still in my life the way you used to be. I know Toddy and Pony and MizKarma and Juju and Hot Momma are all right there. I'm just having a rough day and needed to vent. Times like this I miss having a partner in my life. Someone who truly knows me and understands me and will let me be my worst, scared, teary self with them without ever having to doubt their love. Oddly enough, however, I don't want that right now either. Go figure.

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