Aries' Preliminary Birthday List

Holy Guacamole.

Aries came in this morning while I was working on my computer (at 6:30 a.m.) and announced she had created her birthday list. Her birthday isn't until April 10th but given the following list, it appears I'll need time to save up some cash:

(Please note I have typed the list exactly as I received it)

Cingular Picher Phone
A puppy
D.S. Games
An EMPTEY book
A laptop
NEW SHOES
Make up
Mariners CHEERLEADING outfit
NEW Paint and stuff for rm.
ICE skates and a coustum
Do Rag Hat
London Hat
Trendy Hat
A singhed Mariner Ball
NEW BED
Lava Lamp

Well, if nothing else, I've taught her to shoot for the stars. Given the list she provided, I have just a few small questions.

A nine year old with a cell phone?! Am I just not with the program or does it seem a bit too early to be providing cellular service? I know Verizon makes this little phone with only four buttons on it that you can program but obviously it's not a picture phone. She can't keep her room clean and I'm supposed to "trust" her with a cell phone? Hell, she had $15 in her wallet that was in her backpack and when I asked her how much she had left she shrugged and started explaining that she had given some of it away to friends.

What the hell is she thinking? Does money grow on trees where she lives? I mean seriously just giving money away, why I would never.... yeah, I better stop there. (smile) She's apparently carrying around a few of my traits.

A puppy. Lest she forget the Shona ordeal? The dog that pissed on my expensive bed. The mattress that I had to pay $1279 to replace? Aries has ovaries of steel to even mention getting another dog right now. Ovaries of steel...yeah, I better stop there, too!

What do you think an empty book means?

A laptop? Shit, I built her a computer that's nicer than mine. Laptop?! dDes she plan on doing a lot of traveling? Perhaps I should buy her a Louis Vuitton briefcase to go with her laptop. And how about a pair of Manolo Blahnik's to complete her ensemble.

Make up? I don't think so. A.) She's so beautiful she'll never need it and B.) No. No means No. Or I could go out on a limb and buy her a flashy miniskirt to go with her Manolo's so that when she hits the street she can start making good money right out of the gate.

Ice skates. This one baffles me. She's never been to an ice skating rink and suddenly in her mind she's ready for her own skates AND an outfit? Do I have a Tara Lipinski on my hands and I just don't know it? To quote one of my favorite comedians, Kathleen Madigan, "you don't wanna peak that early [winning the Gold at 14]. You might as well go ahead and shoot the heroine right into your eyeball and go directly to rehab."

Do-rag. I get this. But a do-rag hat? My kid is so damn cute that do-rags look phenominal on her. But as my friend Pony has so eloquently pointed out, "us white people call them bandanas." Don't guess I'll be taking Pony with me on that shopping trip.

Likewise, I am uncertain what a London Hat is. Perhaps I'll have to stop surfing boy porn and K9 long enough to figure out what she's talking about.

An autographed Mariner baseball. Aries, if there's an autographed Mariner baseball in this house it WON'T belong to you. I love you, but you'll never have one before I do. Not ever. Especially not one signed by Edgar Martinez. Quit frankly, I'm surprised she didn't list who she wanted the signatures for. Edgar and Ichiro would have been the two she requested. Keep dreamin' little one. Good luck with that.

The new bed I was planning on getting her. First, however, she's going to have to clean her room so it will frickin FIT in there. Her room scares even me.

I'm thinking since my birthday is before hers, I should provide her with a list. Of course that list won't do much good until she gets all the hooker garb she's requested for her birthday so she can make some money. What I want to know is what happened to days of Barbie dolls and playing dress up. Apparently dress up has taken on a new form!

Hey, at least she's thinking ahead. It's going to take me the next two months to figure this list out!!!