A Time for Solitude

I'm sorry I haven't posted anything since my rant. I've received several phone calls from friends (blog and otherwise) concerned - especially since I hadn't followed up with another post.

I am doing better. I can't thank those of you who commented or sent me an email enough for being so supportive. Especially you boys: Brian, Mush, Gurustu and Dantallion. There are certain people in blogdom for which I have the utmost respect and admiration. When I think about the fact that you four took the time to be so heartfelt with me, it moves me. Thank you for caring so much about someone you've never met. Or seen. I really do need to get some pics on my site.

Anyhoo, things with me still aren't exactly where I'd like them to be but the journey getting there is proving to be one of enlightenment. I had a long talk last night with my best friend, The Toaster Oven. I have missed our talks. At least when we worked together we conversed more. Sounds funny considering we live together but he's been busy and I've been...well, not my best self as of late.

Our conversation was one wherein I received the agreeing support I needed; the mutual feeling of being aghast at certain situations regarding K9; I received the validation I needed that I have handled the K9 situation as best I could; we shared examples of how our boundaries could have been better - mine with K9 and his with Thor (gd hindsight on both counts).

Hot Toddy was a good enough friend to point out that my caretaking can be too much. He said so with an honest heart and I was able to hear him. I know I have things on which to work. I know that my attempt to help K9 was done so with the purest intentions and the way he has treated me in return has nothing to do with me. I'd like to say it's made me gun shy about helping anyone else, but I'll help out my fellow man again. It's just who I am.

K9 is leaving this weekend to go back to Denver. He needs to be gone now. It's been two months and given a different set of circumstances I may not have felt so pressed to be done with doling out my generosity like Pez pellets. But given my current situation with losing my job a month ago, etc., I am not my best self right now. And that's okay. I don't have to be my best self all the time.

It was K9 who asked me for the loan. It's what triggered my last post. I sat at my laptop writing with tears streaming down my face and the Kleenex box nearby. He knows my current financial situation as I had made it abundantly clear yet he asked anyway. After a promise to pay back the money immediately, I agreed. I should have stuck to my guns. I should have trusted my intuition. But I wanted to have faith he'd do the right thing and I ignored it.

I found out Sunday night that the agreement we had was "not [his] understanding" and he thought I was gifting him the cash. That's when I lost it. I'm trying to have faith that he'll do the right thing, but if I end up never seeing one dime of that cash then I guess it was worth it to get him out of my house. Unfortunately, however, he'll make me out to be the heavy in the whole situation.

I've asked Brown Eyes to disappear next week for a few days. I need my household back. Just me and Aries and Toddy. And peace. I need to get grounded again following the whirlwind of someone else's chaos. Brown Eyes said he'd be happy to accommodate and he has no idea how much I appreciate it.

I'm taking Aries to her Dad's this weekend and I'm heading to the Coast. Alone. I have my ritual things packed. I have a couple of good books. One spiritual; one fiction. I'm not drinking this weekend. I'm not smoking this weekend. It's my plan to finally put my Marlboro Ultra Light 100's down and step away from the addiction. I don't smoke that much but it's enough for me to feel burnt out by it all.

It's going to be a cleansing weekend. I won't be here when K9 packs his shit and heads out of town. It was a double-edged sword really. Stay here on a kidless weekend and endure 48 more hours of potential chaos or go. I'm choosing to go. I need to for me. If he steals anything from me then I guess he needs it worse than I do.