Sunday, January 29, 2006

Life is good; Lessons are plenty, Grasshopper


Did you hear my sigh of relief? Was it not loud enough for you? I can do it again!!!


This is the best day ever.

Allow me to elaborate. Friday night I dropped Aries off at her Dad's and headed to Pacific City. Once I picked up the keys to the rental house and let myself in, I stood in the center of the house and took in the absolute silence. It penetrated my soul.

It was a silence so loud it hurt my ears. I realized on Friday night how much I miss true silence. Living in Portland and in a house with an eight year old who generally has the TV running even if only for background noise, I was inundated with the reality that true silence always seems out of reach. I will be remedying that from here on out.

Once I settled in, I drove to the local tavern for a cocktail. I drank a Margarita made with Cuervo (ew ew ew) and watched the locals shoot pool. I had to laugh at the drunken ignorance I witnessed and realized how silly me and My Boys must look when we're all participating in the tomfoolery that comprises a typical night out. It was a straight version of CC's sans porn. I didn't stay beyond the one drink.

I returned to the house and felt absolutely elated at the silence. I was in the best mood I had been in in two months. I opened the windows that faced the ocean, closed my eyes and just listened to the power and grace. The Guardians of the Watchtowers of the West welcomed me. It was as though they had been waiting all this time and couldn't wait to embrace me.

I donned my sweats and kicked back on the overstuffed chair. I sat there and smiled uncontrollably. I closed my eyes and breathed - in and out - in and out as deeply as possible. With each exhale I expelled the ugliness that has saturated my home and my life since K9 began his stay. I felt liberated.

Liberated until my phone rang. Yes, I forgot to turn off my cell. I saw it was K9 and answered it. He was checking to find out if I had made it safely. A nice gesture considering how things left off when he had left for work earlier that day.

As most of you who read me know, I base everything on intuition. K9 told Hot Toddy and I that he did a spread for Playgirl in early November. That he had flown to L.A. for the shoot. Thing about his story was that it never sat well with me. He never discussed anything about the photo shoot. I knew in my gut he was lying.

Fast forward through the next couple of months, I had come to realize that K9 would bend the truth to fit whatever the situation called for. I cannot count the times that I caught him lying about something. I never bothered to confront him as I had no emotional investment. However.... On Thursday of last week I discovered that the "photo shoot" that he claimed to have done was, in fact, a gay-for-pay porn.

When he discovered via my cookies that I knew what he had done, he blew a cork. And how. His attitude was instantly ugly. He screamed profanities at me while he blamed me for knowing the truth. When he asked how I figured it out, I was honest. I told him that his story about Playgirl never felt right to me and that I did computer investigations for a living. There were other contributing factors but the fact that he was instantly SO ugly to someone who had housed and fed him for six weeks was the last straw.

When I left town on Friday night, I knew he would be moving out of my house this morning. I chose to not sit here with my stomach in knots exposed to someone whose attitude was so ugly. And I'm glad I did.

K9 and I spoke several times Friday night. Every call more ugly and angry than the last (on his part anyway). I kept telling him to stop and reminded him that he was a guest in my house and had no right to speak to me that way. I'd hang up, he'd call again.

The unfortunate thing about all these phone calls was that he was yelling and cussing at me so loudly that Hot Toddy and Brown Eyes heard every syllable of the conversation all the way downstairs. It was bad. Toddy said he was so pissed off at K9's behavior that he almost marched upstairs to tell him to leave. Would have been fine with me.

I finally turned my phone off realizing that talking to K9 was like reasoning with a madman. As I hung up the phone for what I knew would be the last time, I laughed out loud as I did the happy dance on the way to the livingroom. I caught him dead to rights in a lie. There was no denying it. For reasons that I'll not go into here, I felt he should have been honest with me about something that happened a mere two weeks prior to his staying here. He felt differently about it.

When I went to sleep that night, I felt relieved, safe, peaceful. I was able to sleep deeply and dream of things that felt good. Okay, mostly related to sex with faceless people but it was good sex.

Sometime in the early morning hours around 1:30 a.m., the storm that was expected hit with a vengeance. High winds, heavy rain, lightening. I was awakened by the flash of lightening and thought the roof was being blown off by the storm. I'm so used to being in the city that when the lightening struck over the beach, it lit up the entire sky. I stood mesmerized...and hoping it wouldn't hit my Mustang.

When I awoke, I was more rested than I had felt in ages. I awoke happy with a song in my heart and a bounce in my step. I spent the day watching the storms roll in and watching movies. I ate oranges and grapefruits. I made tostadas for lunch. I "danced with myself" every damn time I felt like it (thanks juju for the, well, you know what).

My friend Ren the Rockstar drove out to the coast to have dinner with me. I ate shrimp enchiladas and drank a couple of Margaritas. I talked and laughed with my friend. It was so great. I slept like a baby Saturday night as well. I awoke this morning and finished a book I had been reading. My life was unencumbered and I was loving every minute of it.

I got a call from Toddy this morning around 11:30 congratulating me on getting my house back. He informed me that K9 had packed his shit and left my house. I was so happy I walked through the rental house pumping my fist and shouting. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. It was all about me and my happy dance. Suddenly I couldn't wait to get home.

I packed up my things and headed back to Portland. I couldn't wait to drive my new car back home. I met Toddy at CC's this afternoon. He and I sat and talked. He, too, was elated that K9 was gone. He was so appalled at the way K9 spoke to me that he and Brown Eyes were actually trying to avoid him. K9's ugliness had officially penetrated each room of my house.

I talked to Sweet Face, one of the bartenders at CCs, about my sitch. When I told him I came to to celebrate the fact that bipolar K9 was finally out of my house, he bought me my first Margarita. He consoled me and reminded me that it was nice that I tried to help him. Hell, he even said we could have a DVD release party in K9's honor of his latest endeavor.

The Toddtender showed up and there were a few other guys in there that I'm friends with. I was reminded today both figuratively and literally (by Sweet Face - one of the bartenders) why I love going to CC's so much. They look out for me (and my chosen family) in there. They aren't just bartenders in some gay bar. They are friends who always have our backs.

I picked up Aries tonight and walked into a quiet house. I sat on my front porch with Toddy and Brown Eyes and laughed and talked and felt like my old self again. I still don't regret helping K9. Our paths crossed for a reason. It didn't work out the way I thought it would, but that's because I didn't stand strongly enough behind my boundaries. K9 out-assholed me. Well, me and whoever he got paid to do while he was in L.A. - bah ha ha!!!

Anyhoo, it was a costly experience and I've learned many lessons from this. Next time I'll be more cautious. From the wise words of Master Po when asked if he'd walk the path with Grasshopper: "I can only point the way, Grasshopper. You must walk the path yourself." Each trek down the path empowers me to make better decisions.

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