Thursday, February 02, 2006

Where did I go?

I find as I sit at the keyboard today that I am overwhelmed with a feeling of being lost. Not lost in a dismal sense. I feel lost in a weak sense. I do not feel the fire in my belly I normally feel. It seems I've spent so much time focusing on the needs of other people, regardless of whether or not they've asked for it or I have just been mentally consumed by it, I've lost my sense of self.

Where is the woman who loves to write? Where are the deep, meaningful words that normally flow so easily for me? About me. About my life. I feel small today.

I have so much to do each day I have to make a list of that which needs to be accomplished, yet my housework goes undone. Perhaps I should put it on the list! I hate my house messy and cluttered, however, for right now - I don't care to clean it.

I need to smudge my house. K9's gross-ass energy is still here. The negativity that comprises who he is as a human being still lingers. He left a brand new Zippo lighter on my dresser. One he said I could have. I'll be putting it in the trash today. I don't want anything of his anywhere in this house. He gave me two cards professing his gratitude and how much I mean to him..."I don't think I knew what a true friend was until I met you." I'll be burning them today.

I went to C.C.'s last night with The Professor and Hot Toddy. The owner was in and he and I touched base. He told me that K9 called him from Denver and said that his ex-girlfriend or his exes Mom (he couldn't remember which) was in a coma and that's why he had to leave for Denver.

I promptly told Mr. C.C. the truth. About everything. I did not want to be guilty by association with regard to anything K9 said. K9 is a big, fat liar. Period. That's why I'll be burning the cards. I have no reason to believe any of the words he's written.

I can't shake his ugliness. It's robbed me of my ability to regain myself and as long as I allow that to happen, he wins.

Since losing my job in December, I haven't had enough solitude to do my healing from that. Today I feel worthless and question why anyone would want to hire me. Again, I'm allowing the bullshit of my last employer to affect who and what I am. Again, too much power given to people who do not deserve it.

Fact of the matter is I'm a strong, beautiful woman with a lot of integrity. Any employer would be lucky to have me. What I feared would happen, did. When I lost my job K9 was staying here and I worried that the all-consuming nature of his pathetic life would suck the life out of mine. I have to stop this.

My home is my sanctuary. It's where I get grounded. It's where I find peace. All of the outside world and its influence only comes inside of my home if I allow it in. Which I generally try not to. The veil feels thin right now and stuff is getting in. Or is chaos living inside of my world and I can't get it out?

I can feel Marilyn inside here. I know I'm in here somewhere. But where has my energy and enthusiasm gone? Where is the woman who is strong enough to dismiss that which isn't conducive to my life, my path? I feel robbed of my momentum.

I'm tired of feeling this way. It's been going of for a few weeks now. I'm optimistic that writing about it will help but I don't know.

What I do know is this is not who I am. This is not who I want to be. I don't usually consider myself weak. This is not a feeling I like. I've never lost a job before. I didn't realize what it had the capability of doing to my psyche.

The good thing is I can feel the fight in me. That's what I meant when I said I can feel Marilyn inside of me. This outer shell has become someone I don't know but I do know that whoever this is that has temporarily become bigger than who I normally am, won't win. Wow, what a cumbersome sentence. It doesn't matter if you didn't get it. I did.

I want my old self back. Some how, some way, I'll find myself again. It's just wading through this mental bullshit that's weighing me down. I need to have a long conversation with someone more spiritual than myself to help me snap out of this.

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