Tuesday, February 22, 2005

And In Summary

ATM Card Drama

1. Don’t take your ATM card out of your wallet until you’re at the ATM because when you drop it while driving, it may end up falling into the slot where the emergency brake is located and you won’t be able to get it out.

2. In the event you do decide to take your ATM card out of your wallet prematurely, be certain that you’ve kept your car free of kid-zone items like books, art supplies, coats, lunchboxes, etc., otherwise you’ll become a raging bitch while trying to find said ATM card amongst the crap.

3. It isn’t necessary to have five almost-full water bottles rolling around under the passenger seat. And in the event you can’t find any go-cups for your tea, know they are probably with the water bottles. Water bottles get lonely.

4. If you still find it necessary to hold your ATM card during the buckling up process while driving, be sure there are batteries in the huge Mag Light so that you can see down into the center console once you start your search. That is, if you have a child that likes playing with said flashlight.

5. If you drop your ATM card down the skinny little slot, be sure your kid isn’t almost eight years old and that her hands are small enough to reach the floorboard through the hole.

6. When you rant and rave at your child that your car is not a restaurant nor is it a library or an art center, be sure to look into her eyes to see the hurt your words are causing her. I mean, it isn’t HER fault you have no boundaries.

7. If, at 11 p.m., you realize it’s a lost cause, be prepared the next morning to kindly ask your neighbor The Hot Biker if he’d kindly assist you. Be sure to have on the short, purple negligee to assure he says yes.

Hot Toast Will Make You Laugh

1. When you call the Toaster Oven to meet you for drinks because you need adult conversation and a relaxing good time, know, that is in fact, what you’ll get.

2. When engaging in conversation with Hot Older Men at CCs, know they will think your best friend is “all that” and that they will converse with you just to get to him.

3. Especially when there are two Hot Older Men each vying for the warmth of The Toaster Oven.

4. The best time EVER will happen while watching Dave Chappelle’s Show with a crowd of gay men.

5. Laughter is the best medicine.

6. Many Margaritas and Maker’s Mark, neat, will create an abundance of laughter at the drag show that’s going on. Especially when the emcee wants to hear “some noise” and Hot Toddy just keeps yelling, “Baaaaaaaaaaaah.”

7. Too many Margaritas can turn on you once you get home.

8. It’s a good idea to eat something earlier in the day to level yourself out later.

9. Taking four ibuprofen immediately prior to vomiting will turn your vomit pink.

10. Though puking only twice in 21 years is a good record, it’s still a record broken.

11. I’d have much preferred it have been because I ate the black-and-white cookie.

The Ex

1. Sometimes no amount of mental preparation will help.

2. When Daddy D calls and says she’s moved in with her new ex this weekend, know that your heart will hit the floor.

3. Know that even though not being with her is the best thing, it won’t make it any easier.

4. Realize quickly that you are just angry at yourself for ever being pulled into her whirlwind of a life and that it’s not her fault she’s moved on and you’re now just “her past.”

5. Know that there is someone wonderful and funny and beautiful and sincere who’s just as into sex as you are, just around the corner.

6. Know that you can’t look around every corner – that she’ll be coming your way when you least expect it (and are probably wearing sweats and a Mariner's Cap and no make-up).

7. Know that even this kind of heartache is better than puking. Just not by much.

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