Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Pretentious Men Everywhere

Auburn Aries has the "new strain" of walking pneumonia. I stayed home with her the last two days nursing her back to health. Makes me sound like a loving, doting mother, doesn’t it? Truth of the matter is she only had this miserable cough that emanated from down deep in her lungs. She had to be on antibiotics 24 hours before she could go back to school.

She was laughing and horsing around just like usual. She’s told everyone she comes in contact with, whether in person or on the phone, that she has “the new walking ammonia.”

Fairy Godmother, in all her Virgo-ness, deemed it necessary to correct her. She doesn’t understand how infrequently those cute linguistic mishaps occur as kids get older. I was relieved to realize the correction didn’t take hold when Aries announced it to her teacher this morning.

So step-off Fairy Godmother…she’s only young once. Next thing you know, Fairy Godmother will tell her it’s not pronounced extercise or that bertend is not how you say pretend or when you aren’t paying attention to her that you’re ignoring her not that you’re annoring her.

I know Aries might want to know these things but I’m not willing to sacrifice the last few giggles I get from my “baby.”

I attended the Salon Queue gathering last night with the Toaster Oven. He wasn’t really up for the pomp and circumstance. I, on the other hand, felt the need to go somewhere besides C.C. Slaughters. I’m never going to meet Ms. Right Now if I keep hanging out with gay men at CC’s.

Though we did start at CC’s. I just want to take this opportunity to thank Tim the Hot BarToddtender for being back to work and for making me his signature margaritas. They are the best. I told him last night that he’s not allowed to leave work again. Ever.

Once Toddy and I got to Aura, the disappointment set in. I was the only lesbian in a bar with 200 gay men. This is supposed to be the new place for professional, single, gays and lesbians to meet in an atmosphere that’s not the usual bar scene. This wasn’t any different than a night at CC’s.

Last night was apparently “hoity-toity” night. There was so much pretense in the bar it was like weaving through plastic mannequins all dressed for some red carpet event. Each man was trying to out-dress the next.

When I stepped to the bar and ordered a Patron Margarita, rocks, no salt (watching my figure), the bartender very kindly said, “$13.50. Do you really want a margarita that costs $13.50?”

Now let me just say that I am accustomed to paying more for Patron. But $13.50. I could buy almost an entire bottle of Cuervo for $13.50. It was at this point that I realized this bartender was my new friend. He had my back. That’s just freakin ridiculous.

Toddy and I ordered drinks and grabbed a table at which point the topic of going back to CC’s came up. We decided to stay and have whore-deserves (or hors d’ouvres as we adults call it) which consisted of what Toddy called the $900 plate of spinach dip and chips.

Sitting there for the 30 minutes that we did was excruciating. All I could do was look at my watch anxious to get back to the other bar before Tim the Hot BarToddtender stopped tending bar.

We made it through the appetizer and headed back to the bar to close our tabs.

This is when something happened that I didn’t foresee.

As I stood at the bar waiting for the bartender to add both tabs together (he apparently had trouble with his abacus), a nice looking Bald Guy was standing immediately to my left.

BG: Hi, How are you doing tonight?
AP: Fine, I just need to get the hell out of here.
BG: Why is that?
AP: I’m the only lesbian in the entire bar.
BG: Yeah, I noticed that. What do you think we can do to fix that?
AP: Put me on the Board for one thing. There’s got to be a way to market this to lesbians as well. This is just ridiculous.
BG: Yeah, um, I’m Bald Guy, I put this event on every month.
AP: < …gulps… introduces herself>.
BG: You must be Auburn Pisces. You’re that friend of The Handsome Prince’s that he was talking about.
AP: <…the ovaries heard ‘round the world…I thought to myself> I am.

He requested my information and suffice it to say that I am now officially invited to the next Board meeting. Bald Guy and The Handsome Prince and I will get together first and have a ‘come to Goddess’ meeting, if THP is up for it that is. Otherwise, I’m on my own…battling it out for single lesbians everywhere.

We made it back to the bar in time for a couple more drinks from The Hot Toddtender. Though I always try not to forget from where I came, it was good to be home - good drinks, good friends, Hot Bartender. 'nuff said.

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