Auburn Aries had swim class last night. She’s still struggling to get through the second level. At this point, it’s her self-defeating seven year-old attitude that’s preventing her from advancing. She’s nailed every technique they’ve shown her but when it comes to the test she starts doubting herself.
Yesterday morning she said she hoped she would pass.
Then yesterday evening she wondered what she would do if she didn’t pass.
Then in the car right before class she said there’s a little pony inside of her that starts telling her that she can’t. She said it makes a “not-very-nice face” (translation: taunting face) and starts saying, “you can’t pass, you can’t do it, you’re never going to move up, you can’t do it” all while poking at her with its’ "horsey-foot" in the chest and arms and shoulders.
Oh. My. Hell. (as Hot Momma would say). Low self-esteem and fear has a face. It’s manifested itself into a creature that lives inside of my little girl. Does this ‘little pony’ not know how close to the fire it dances? I would love nothing more than to shoot its miserable ass only after torturing it endlessly for causing my baby one moment of pain.
Her words pierced my heart. What have I done wrong? Why is this beast living inside of her and why does she allow it to be heard? If she were older, I would tell her that the next time she hears it to look into the eyes of the beast and say “Fuck You. You will not deter me. Not ever.”
I glance at her and can see its’ cold-blooded eyes. That worthless pony looks back at me and with a capricious toss of it’s mane, laughs maniacally. “What are you going to about it? I’m inside her heart. You can’t touch me.”
The beast is correct. I cannot eradicate the power it has gained. It walked the souls of those with tender hearts, chose my little girl and has made a place for itself inside of her.
I asked her what she says to the little pony when she hears its words telling her she can’t. She said she tells the pony to stuff a sock in it and that she’s not going to listen to it. Relieved that she is aware that it’s preying on her, I begin to enforce that which she wants so badly to believe. “You can do this. You’re an Auburn. It’s a walk in the park. You’ve worked hard and you’ve earned it.”
I watched her physically capable of being able to advance to the next level. I watched as she struggled emotionally to get to the next level. I reached into her bag and brought out a clean pair of her ankle socks that she would wear when we left. I unrolled them and handed one to Fairy Godmother.
In between Auburn Aries practicing and practicing and before she was about to be tested, she glanced up. Right as she did, Fairy Godmother and I each stuffed a rolled up sock into our mouths. Laughing, we each pointed to our mouths. “Don’t let the little pony’s negative words in” I tried to transmit to her telepathically. I watched her enthusiastically smile and nod her head in acknowledgment.
And then I watched as her heart hit the floor when the instructor told her that maybe she’d pass next week. Once again the pony had succeeded.
She stayed in the pool trying to hide her tears. Her hard work during her lesson and her attempts not to listen to that evil little pony had failed her. I turned to Fairy Godmother and said, “I’m never bringing her back here. I’ll just get her private lessons.” Fairy Godmother never said a word. I knew she was fighting back the urge to tell me that was the wrong thing to do.
I wanted to drag that fucking instructor out of the pool and drill the bitch myself. I could see her patience growing thin with Auburn Aries when she actually took the time to work with her. She clearly preferred working with the other children. My kid required more help than the others and it was inconvenient to her. Besides, I had to take this out on someone and she was going to be easy to take out. One quick rap on the beak and down she’d go.
I walked my daughter to the showers comforting her through her tears.
After we got in the car, AAries told me that the instructor told her she was getting angry because Auburn Aries wasn’t passing the class. That she “wasn’t mad yet, but that [she’s] starting to get that way.” Motherfucker. I guess drilling her isn’t out of the question yet! I’ll just back door this situation (since she’s in high school) and call the owner and lodge a complaint. Regardless of Aries’ sitch, she doesn’t need that burden to carry as well.
I called a therapist this morning and left her a message. She apparently does art-therapy for kids who have self-esteem issues. I wonder if telling the little pony to fuck off is part of the therapy.
This morning Auburn Aries was about to get ready for school and decided she wanted to change her earrings. They’ve only been pierced since November. She reached behind her left ear and thought she had lost the back. She struggled to get the earring out of her ear and asked for help.
I looked behind her ear and felt around thinking the post was scabbed over somehow and it just needed cleaning. I mean, it’s the only explanation for why the post hadn’t fallen out, right? I reached down and gave the earring a yank and out it came.
The gold backs to virtually all of her earrings are so damn small that it had actually been forced into or pulled from the front, inside of her earlobe.
My stomach hit the floor. I turned white. Holy Shit Batman. I had never seen anything like this before. Hell, I’d never even heard of anything like this before.
I felt her lobe and sure as shit, there it was.
AAries began to cry as she freaked out.
AA: What are we going to do, Momma?
AP: I don’t know, Baby. Let me take a look at it and see if I can get it out.
AA: No! It’ll hurt.
AP: Then I’ll have to call Dr. O’Keefe and see if she can get it out.
AA: What!!! No. I don’t want her sticking a needle in my ear. I don’t want her cutting my ear off.
AP: She’s not going to cut your ear off, but we can’t leave it in there.
AAries just stared at her ear, crying.
I could feel my stomach rolling. The Chai I had drank earlier was quickly finding it’s way out of my stomach. I frantically called Fairy Godmother begging her to join me at the pediatrician’s office, “I can’t do this alone.”
Without hesitation she agreed.
I managed to get Auburn Aries calmed down. She laid on the couch apologizing for not knowing it was inside her earlobe. She spoke of how she realized the back was missing a few days earlier at school and meant to ask her teacher if she saw it behind her ear, but forgot. And how she had forgotten until today.
I looked at her ear again and explained to her that the only way to get avoid the doctor would be to let me try inserting a post into her ear making contact with the back and attempting to push it out. Reluctantly, she agreed.
I got into the bathroom before she did and began cleaning an earring. I raised my eyes to the heavens and said “God, please let this work. She’s had enough.” In she walked.
She assumed a wide stance, gripping one of her stuffed animals with white knuckles.
I slid the earring into her lobe realizing that all it did was move around the back. She flinched and began to squeal.
AP: Auburn Aries, I have to hold the back of the earring steady while I try to get the post to it.
AA: Okay, Momma.
AP: You ready? We can do this.
AA: Go ahead.
I made contact with the back of the earring and had to scrape the post against it until I could lodge it well enough to be able to move it. I stopped again, giving her a moment to prepare and then began forcing it toward the hole in the back of her earlobe.
It came right out but not without some discomfort.
She never let out a whimper. As I cleaned her ear, I stopped and looked at her and told her she was the bravest little girl I’ve ever known.
She thanked me for saying so and hugged me so hard she made tears come out of my eyes!
Regardless of where that little pony is living inside of her, we WILL win. You might as well start packing your bags you little fucker. You’re time is running out.