Tuesday, February 01, 2005

What I Found in the Silence

I got into my car and left The Vortex at 12:30 a.m. Sunday morning. I chose not to get on the freeway the brief distance needed to get home. As I safely continued on my path, I realized how quiet the city was. The calmness felt lonely for just a brief moment in time. I was driving home alone, no companion by my side. I would crawl beneath my down comforter donned in sweats and socks and a sweatshirt to stay warm. I can never get warm in the winter months.

Winter sometimes feels so long in the Northwest. Sunlight plays its’ game of hide and seek until it begins to gradually reveal itself as the Spring Equinox grows near. I embrace each ray of sunlight clinging to visions of spring. The sensation of the warmth of the sunlight on my skin feels a distant memory.

I had stopped drinking about 90 minutes before I left The Vortex. I was going to leave Hot Toddy’s Toaster Oven and The Math Whiz earlier in the evening but opted to wait until The Handsome Prince returned from his show so that I could get caught up with him as well. No matter how many times I see him at C.C.’s, I just don’t get the quality time I like.

As I drove home in the stillness, I realized the calming effect it had on me. I was able to breath, with my soul. It felt okay to be alone. The feeling of loneliness that had pierced through me earlier was gone. I’ve been hurt so deeply recently that I haven’t taken the time to just “be” and reflect.

Though I have been terribly hurt by relationships, it’s not my problem anymore. I need to let it go. That’s easier said than done, but I must try if I am to walk away a stronger woman and move on. I need to find my beautiful-self inside again and not let the beautiful woman inside of me continue to be used as a door mat for mean people and the pain that accompanies them.

Though my daughter has struggled with being a little chubby, she is a beautiful, intelligent, funny, loving little girl. She is a blessing. My life is important because I am making a difference in the life of this little girl. She has, and will always have, fond memories of all of the love and the laughter we’ve shared.

Though I contemplated selling my home to get out from underneath it, I was reminded (thanks to my accountant) that capital gains are not my friend. I must be meant to stay in it a while longer. I will make the best of it. I just have to find the right roommate to rent my downstairs. That would make things perfect.

I have the support and love of so many people that I find I am overwhelmed. As I thought about this while driving home, I began to tear up. I had a lump in my throat so big I could barely breathe. “My boys” (Hot Toddy, The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz) have invited me into their world. They love me unconditionally. I appreciate their love and friendship so much.

Ms Karma has bailed my ass out more than any of you will ever know. She is one of my best friends and I love her for all that she is in my life.

Hot Momma and Oak Point Man are what true friendship is when it’s at it’s very best. I wish everyone could have friendships like I have with these two.

Fairy Godmother…there’s another one who has saved me over and over again. Whether it’s because of a girlfriend, strategizing money matters, discussing parenting or drinking too many margaritas. We are there for each other and that will never change. I love you, Ell.

My family, the drunken Harley Davidson T-shirt wearing wild bunch. My sisters who I adore. My brothers who are strong. We’ve stuck together regardless of the miles between us. I wouldn’t trade one of them for a smokin’ hot lesbian waiting naked on my bed… (let’s just hope I don’t have to make that decision anytime soon!)

And then there are those of you who I’ve met indirectly through blogging. When I think of the outpouring of support and the laughter we’ve all shared and I’ve never even formally met you, I am moved. You guys are the best!

There are so many wonderful people in the world. How can I be upset with the direction my life has taken, if it has led me to all of you?

My life rocks. It’s been difficult the last couple of years but I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I am blessed. I am okay. I am loved. What more could a girl ask for?

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