Because I am a Pagan and don’t have the burden of carrying around religious guilt like someone I know, I have decided to finally write about this last weekend and Hot Toddy’s birthday. I wanted to give him a couple days to finally be able to laugh about the events that took place. Well, that time has passed.
by Auburn Pisces
The day began with an 8 a.m. wake up call by blasting Gwen Stefani’s Hollaback Girl on the stereo, and shouting that it was time to get up. Hot Toddy’s birthday celebration needed to begin.
I had invited our family over: Metro and Juju, The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz, Pony and Chopper, and The Toddtender and made a breakfast consisting of eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, and bisquits and sausage gravy. Flowing plentifully were the Mimosa’s and Bloody Mary’s. Everyone stood around and talked and laughed – it was great.
As I looked around the house at the people I have in my life, I realized how incredibly blessed I am. Having our little family of friends together felt like home and fulfilled the need I have for the love of a family that I miss so desperately.
Okay, enough girl shit. Moving on…
Fast forward through the installation of the CD player into Dolly (Todd’s car). “Man, I feel like such a grown up now, having a CD player in my car.”
Fast forward through hanging out at Pony’s new house, The Pony Palace. Fast forward through standing in Pony’s coat closet because it smells EXACTLY like Young Stud and I couldn’t get enough of the scent.
Fast forward through tacos for dinner and watching a movie. Fast forward through a 30 minute nap.
Fast forward to C.C. Slaughter’s where the real story begins.
We arrived at 9 p.m. soon thereafter joined by Pony and Chopper. The bartender brought us the usual Margarita and Maker’s neat. The Margaritas were perfect that night. I was well-rested and looking forward to a long night of partying.
The Bar-back, heretofore referred to as Built Bar-Back (BBB), came by the bar and offered Hot Toddy a couple of shots for his birthday. I believe it was BBB’s intention to assist Toddy in his birthday buzz and to watch him cringe as he surprised him with whatever concoction he put into the bucket glasses o’ buzz he was serving him.
Toddy downed the first shot and winced at the taste. Wild Turkey. Ew. On the second shot (I think it was a mix of Maker’s and Wild Turkey and Yukon) BBB gave him, Toddy hesitated.
“Drink that and I’ll rip this t-shirt right off my body and give it to you for your birthday.”
It was zero to sixty in 2.3 seconds. With a swift backward tip of Hot’s head the shot was gone. All that was left was the long, uncontrolled shudder of another nasty shot. Toddy slammed the glass back down on the bar and looked at BBB with anticipation… as did we all.
BBB reached up to the crewneck of what appeared to be a brand new t-shirt and ripped it wide open right down the center of his tan, taut torso. Geezus, this guy’s body is so tight. We all cheered. Toddy quickly bunched the shirt up and held it to his face trying to inhale whatever scent was left by BBB. Unfortunately there was no scent on the shirt. I know because I demanded Toddy share the shirt long enough for me to see what BBB smelled like as well!
Throughout the course of our visit to C.C.’s Toddy disappeared several times to take what I thought were incoming calls on his cell. Turns out he was disappearing to drunk dial people…all over America. To those of you who received the calls, yours was but a brief encounter with Drunk Toddy. Keep reading and feel my pain!
So lot’s of laughter and flirting and drinking of free shots later (it was 10:30 p.m.) I looked over at Toddy and realized that he had lost his 6’6” frame to a slumped over, one-eyed blob of man slumped over the bar. I started to laugh – not because it was funny (though it was) but because I knew at that moment, my night just got a lot longer! I had no idea how I was going to maneuver him into and out of my car or get him into the house.
BBB walked up and I pointed out the buzz level to which Toddy had fallen victim. BBB cheered that he helped Hot get fucked up on his birthday. It was at this point that I told BBB that I was going to have to kick his ass.
I began to coordinate my departure with Pony when one of the bartenders came up and told me that in as much as he didn’t want to have to do it, he was going to have to ask me to get Todd out of the bar because of his visible intoxication level. I was already on it.
I pulled my car around to the front of the bar to find The Huge Bouncer and Pony and Chopper carrying Todd out of the bar. It was like Todd had no bones! Toddy was standing there, body wrapped around a sign pole with this drunken grin on his face. The boys poured him into my car and I drove him back to my house.
All the way home, I strategized how I was going to get Todd out of my car. I’m 5’10” and well, a girl. I was no match for a drunken giant man with no bones!
I pulled into my driveway, unlocked the front door, opened the passenger door of my Camry and began my escapade.
I grabbed Toddy by his lapels – wads of coat in each fist, took a wide stance and heaved. Nothing. I took another deep breath and pulled. Still nothing. It was like I was Chicken Little trying to lug Foghorn Leghorn out of a recliner. There was no way I was going to be able to get him out of the car.
There he sat comfortably passed out in my car oblivious to my plight while I was trying to hoist him out of the car - my back arched so far back I was actually looking up at the stars!
“TODDY! TODDY…YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP. IT’S TIME TO GO INSIDE.”
He stirred. With arms like lead and an inability to assist my efforts, I place his hands on either side of the car door frame and on the count of three, I got him to his feet. He staggered a couple of giant steps sideways at which point I yanked him back the other direction slamming him into the side of my car.
I again grabbed his lapels pulling him toward me as I walked backwards coaching him step by step toward the front of the car. Unfortunately, the car ran out and his momentum carried him forward right into the side of my house. I let him go knowing the house would break his fall.
I stood there taking in some deep breaths contemplating my next move when all of a sudden I heard this roar. It was not the roar of a mighty lion but rather my best friend hurling his guts up all over my front walk. Seven times. Seven times people. Who has that much puke? Seriously! I kept my back to him until I was certain he was at a stopping point.
If I weren’t Aries’ Mom and was not used to the sounds and smells of someone else’s puking, I would have been a sympathy puker in a hot second. Instead I watched as Toddy headed for the banister around my front porch. He leaned over and hurled two more times. I wasn’t so much worried about his puking as I was about the incredibly loud gagging noises he made while he dry-heaved. I honestly expected lights in the neighborhood to start flipping on to see what the raucous was.
I grabbed the water hose and hosed off the patio and the flowerbed pushing everything to the street. By the time I was done, he was ready for round two.
I grabbed his coat again and guided him up the two steps in front of my house and then in my front door. I turned him toward the stairs and ran around behind him so he wouldn’t fall on me as I got him into the bedroom downstairs.
“WE’RE GOING DOWN THE STEPS, TODDY. READY.. TAKE A STEP.”
He extended his right leg and it landed square on the first step.
As he lifted his left leg, his pants fell down around his ankles. I started laughing and couldn’t stop. All I could think about was how unfair it was that I was the only person to see this comedy of errors happening.
“My pants! My pants fell down. Dammit! I gotta get my pants.”
“LEAVE EM!” I commanded. “Just tell me you’re wearing undies, Todd.”
Step-by-step I guided him down the stairs with his Levi’s bunched below the tops of his cowboy boots. He took little baby steps, scooting his feet like a little kid – a little drunk kid – bouncing off the counters and appliances in the downstairs kitchen like a pinball.
I got him into the bedroom and planted him at the foot of the bed, right in the very center. Assuring he was okay, I ran upstairs to pee and on my way back down heard a loud thud. Thinking he knocked over the floor lamp I rounded the corner to find Toddy laying on the floor between the bed and the wall – on his back, long-ass legs and feet in the air.
“I fell,” he slurred.
“Gee, ya think?!?!”
He had managed to get his boots and pants off and now laid before me in his shirt, undies and socks helpless, as I laughed. Having no coat to grab this time I offered the pillow and the comforter to the floor to which he agreed. In the amount of time it took me to grab the comforter he somehow found the momentum to get up onto the bed and immediately passed out.
I stood in the doorway to the bedroom and shook my head.
Now, I know I’m a good friend to people. I always try to be there for those I love. Doesn’t matter what they need, I will always try to help. I believe that Karma is a powerful thing, do unto others and all that…shit. But I’ve got to tell you, as I stood there making sure my best friend was breathing okay, I realized that my Karmic bank account was going to be full for a very, very long time!
As I walked away from the bedroom, I reminded Toddy of one last thing…”Fucker, you’re gonna owe me for a long, long time…”