Thursday, April 28, 2005

Sexy Girl

She reached out to shake my hand and playfully told me we had the same last name. When I looked up at her, she took my breath away. She was so sexy. She has the sexiest gray hair peppered in all the right places. She was giggling and being playful. She seemed carefree. She had my hand in hers and I didn't want to let go.

I believed her about the last name and was surprised at the coincidence. She was joking and we all laughed about it.

I initially thought she was being flirtatious, but dismissed it not thinking she was serious. Later on, HTTO pointed out that she was "totally flirting with [me]."

I watched her for a while. I watched her interact with her friends. She has great energy. I wanted to be near her.

I finally decided to approach her and her friends to see if I could join their get-together. Before I even had to ask, I was invited in.

She invited me to dance using the sexiest line I've ever heard. I blushed. Only she could have pulled that off. We danced to just the right music. She loved the way I moved. She loved that I'm tall and that I'm 42. Her energy wrapped itself around mine as though I had no choice but to concede.

Our fingers were entwined as she engaged in conversation and I watched people dancing. We kissed on the dance floor. Her lips were warm and soft and kissing her felt right.

From the moment I saw her, I wanted her. Kissing her only increased the intensity of the desire.

I'm almost a year into being single. Going home with Sexy Girl left me with butterflies in my stomach - the good kind of butterflies. I never questioned for a second whether or not I should - I knew I was going to.

We talked, I shared, we kissed, she was pleased with me and it felt fantastic to be so desired. She makes me feel special and beautiful. She pleased me that night more than I had been in a long time.

We slept and I awoke to her beautiful naked body next to mine. She touched me and re-ignited a flame that had burned silently during the night. She let me sleep again afterward; she made me breakfast. I felt comfortable with her and didn't want to leave. But had to.

She's gotten under my skin. She's kicked a door open in my heart that was sealed shut - by me. I didn't see it coming. I'm overwhelmed. I'm happy.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Auburn Aries Wants to be God

This was our conversation at 7 a.m. this morning while I was doing her hair. She left me speechless. I don't think she realizes the depth of what she says sometimes. It blows me away...

Auburn Aries: "I wish I was God."

Auburn Pisces: "Why is that? Why would you want to be God?"

Auburn Aries: "Because, God has magical powers. The only magical power we have is the truth."

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Mermaids and Hoo-Haw

Amazing News First:

Auburn Aries passed to level four Monday night! That’s right, the Mermaid is no longer a fish out of water. I couldn’t help but think that it may have been due to the fact that Thor went with us. I think there’s a certain “show off” factor in front of a guy that even my eight year old understands.

She was her usual apprehensive self initially and then out of nowhere she pushed off the wall swimming underneath the water, feet just a kickin’ swimming toward her instructor. It was so awesome to watch. All I could do was sit there on the bleachers and wipe away tears of happiness. I was never more proud of her than I was at that moment.

Even Thor was excited as we clapped and cheered her on. I saw the Owner walk up and test Auburn Aries without her knowing she was being tested. I watched the instructor’s face until I saw her mouth the words, “She passed.”

Suddenly Watching from the Bleachers wasn’t such a bad deal.

Contemplative Hoo-haw:

I was driving home one night last week looking at all of the people I passed. It was as though everything around me had fallen silent. Though the stereo was on, the sound seemed so faint I could hardly notice it in the background. My focus was guided from person to person and though I was cognizant of my driving, it was as though someone else was at the wheel. I was supposed to look at these people. There was a message within my observations.

I saw a woman waiting for the walk-signal. A man crossing the street. A boy on a bicycle. A teenager with his ass/boxers hanging out of his Levi’s. A blue collar worker heading into a strip joint. A heavy-set high school kid. A young woman walking with her toddler. A guy leaning against the light pole at an intersection, smoking a cigarette. There were others. These few are those I distinctly remember.

Each person was unique. Each one going about their day, their paths never crossing; never knowing a single thing about the other.

Yet there was one common thread that linked them, and all of us together. Everyone is searching. Everyone is lost and looking for a way to belong. It just depends on the degree to which you are willing to search. Some people will drift through their entire lives and not know their place in the world. Some of those people I saw last week. Others will not only find their place, belonging will never be a question for them again.

Could be a lot of mumbo-jumbo. Could be the truth. I choose the latter.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Our Greatest Weapon is Spirit

I find myself outraged today. As most of you have probably heard, the Oregon Supreme Court has annulled 3000 gay marriages that took place last year.

I read The Oregonian and felt emotion swelling to the surface. It was another of those combination days - I was outraged, infuriated, sad, heartsick. My heart couldn’t pick just one. I was swirling, caught up in the tornado of all of this controversy and I felt sick.

I, personally, am not necessarily a proponent of gay marriage. Before you grab a gun and head for my house, let me explain myself. “Marriage” is an agreement that straight people have been fucking up…forever. 50-60% of all “marriages” fail. Nice stats. Can’t say too much about it though as I’m one of those statistics, too. Twice.

My first husband I married when I was 19. Having not been taught by my parents how to participate in a healthy and loving relationship, I did not know how to manage love and commitment to this degree.

I was married to a man that worshipped the ground I walked on. He treated me with love and kindness and would have given me the world.. and tried to. I, on the other hand, having been raised in a family of intense inner strength, thugs and bikers (for all intents and purposes) thought he was weak. A pushover. Just because he didn’t shout his opinions from the rooftops, I thought it meant he wasn’t a strong individual. I was so wrong.

I didn’t know how to be with someone nice. I was too keyed up – I entered a room like I had just rolled down a flight of stairs. My presence was bigger than life. In some respects, I’m still that way. Now it’s on a more controlled level. I don’t have to make my mark on the world. I’m just me and that’s good enough. Take it or leave it.

As a result of my inability to love someone kind, my first marriage became my “starter” marriage. This, like the turned down scholarship to Irvine, is the other of my biggest regrets.

I didn’t marry again until 12 years later. Thought I had it worked out. Who was I kidding? I was seeing a woman when I met Auburn Aries’ Dad. That should have been my first clue it wasn’t going to work. And after some time of being together, I learned (the hard way) that he was an abusive alcoholic (physically and emotionally). Nice. Bloody lips, scars, torn clothing. At this point, I had become the intermediary between he and his then nine-year old son.

He promised repeatedly not to hit me again. Promised to quit drinking. Eventually I realized that I needed to stay in the relationship for his son’s sake. I was the rock. I decided I would leave when my stepson was strong enough to make it on his own. And I did. He was 17 when I left the marriage.

My ex shoved me when I had Aries in my arms when she was a little over a year and a half old, and within a week, I was gone. Just so you know, we did plan Auburn Aries. The relationship leveled out at one point and I thought things would be okay.

I made the mistake of marrying someone who was like my brothers (brawn) and my Dad (alcoholic). I know, trust me, it took the five years I was in therapy to sort it all out.

Moving on… Marriage in the conventional sense will never change.

Gays and lesbians are different than straight people. It’s a fact of life. Our needs differ even if based simply on the complexity that same sex relationships bring. Those differing needs, however, do not mean that our rights are any less important than theirs. Equal rights aren’t special rights.

I would like to see Civil Unions put in place. A way of leveling the playing field. Give us something that we, as gays and lesbians, can feel good about that’s fair and impartial. Help take away the stigmatism that we’re different…in a “less than” way.

I am a lesbian Mom. I understand the difficulties in trying to install in your child that love makes a family. That is doesn’t matter what color a person’s skin is or what body they are in but that you fall in love with someone’s spirit and that you should never be ashamed of who you love or feel like you have to hide it because it doesn’t fit other people’s idea of what’s right. This is an especially difficult battle considering her Dad’s a bigot (to some degree).

Anyway, I read the paper and felt my heart hit the floor. With each paragraph I read, I could no longer fight back the tears. It was so unfair. I know the decision by the Oregon Supreme Court doesn’t mean relationships are lost. But I couldn’t help but think of my friends Ubergirl and Cowgirl.

Ubergirl has been through so much. She and I have had our difficulties with each other. We were both lied to in the past and I did some things based on those lies that had an extremely high cost for Ubergirl. A bell that cannot be unrung. Try living with *that* your in your heart. Let me tell you, it sucks. I feel we have been blessed to have been able to overcome our hurdles and become friends once again.

When I met her wife, Cowgirl, I realized that as difficult as those times were, Ubergirl was very lucky in love. Cowgirl is great and they compliment each other perfectly. It was Ubergirl and Cowgirl. They were one. They were married.

Even though my current opinions differ about marriage than your typical gay or lesbian, I can totally understand why someone would want to declare their love for each other with that type of ceremony. And some one had taken that away from them. I wanted to go kick the asses of the people who are so narrow-minded that they did this to these and many of my other friends.

Married Wednesday and not on Thursday. How would those suck-ass idiots in the Supreme Court et al, like it if they found out their marriages weren’t valid and had been annulled? AND, they had no control over it whatsoever.

My friend “Hansen” came by my desk to touch base with me. His sister was married to her long-time partner last year. He knows the battle, the victory and the heartache. All I could do was look up and see compassion in his eyes and shake my head unable to find the words while tears filled my eyes.

It was a huge sense of rejection and how dare someone reject the declaration of love and commitment of two people? Any two people. People. That noun itself denotes we are all one. We are all just people. Equal people.

The difficulties that I have with this whole thing started last year. When Diane Linn, Commissioner, et al, decided to start issuing marriage licenses, she did so – what I feel was –prematurely. So many strides have been made in the GLBT community that issuing marriage licenses just felt like cramming it down the population’s proverbial throats. People don’t work like that – not on this issue.

I agree that it’s overdue. I agree that no one should have to wait for equal rights. I just wish she would have handled it differently.

You know, if I could run my own life as well I can run other people’s lives…

These are all just my thoughts, my opinions for today. I opened the paper today and my heart hit the floor. I read the words of couples who have been impacted by these decisions and my heart goes out to them.

We’ve lost the battle, but we’ll win the war. Every person deserves to live in a hate free world. As with every epic struggle that has come before this one, our greatest weapon is spirit.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Strength Prevails

I think my days of waiting for the other shoe to drop are gone. Being in that state of mind became second nature for me the last year and a half. Experiencing that state of mind was new territory for me. I’ve always been an optimist, a dreamer (can you say hello Auburn PISCES).

I always see the glass as half full. I believe that when you’re vacuuming, that little piece of thread WILL vacuum up if you just keep at it! Seriously, though, I believe all things happen for a reason. The hardest part of this thought process, for most people, is that they cannot understand why something happened if there isn’t an immediate result – something tangible, some kind of confirmation so whatever is happening to them will make sense.

I have always been “silver lining” girl. So much so that is used to piss off my ex, Grouchy Girl, to no end. She’d complain, “Do you have to find positive in everything? I mean, can’t you just let me be angry about [abc]? Maybe I don't want to see the fucking silver lining.” Well, alrighty then…be pissed off. Wallow in it. Enjoy yourself. I’ll be over here…apparently enjoying the contents of my half-full glass of optimism.

This isn’t to say that things didn’t get me down, I just always knew things would be alright.

Then the last eighteen months happened and without having time to sort out whatever life altering event had taken place, another would happen. And then another. Before I knew it, I had more crap going on than I knew what to do with.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop wasn’t even something I considered until it happened several times in a row without me expecting it and I’d get knocked to my knees (and not in a good way).

My close friends and my family have always come to me for help, advice, guidance, reassurance, etc. I have always been the strong one. There’s always room on my shoulders to help bear the load. I say this without sarcasm. It’s my truth. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Unfortunately, for the last year and a half, I wasn’t my best self for me…or them. It finally feels like I’m back.

I have been blessed to have been born into a family of strength. I cannot imagine being someone who is passive all the time. I cannot imagine keeping my mouth shut about something I feel strongly about. Nor can I imagine keeping my mouth shut on behalf of my family or friends if they need me to be there for them. I’m just not made that way.

I look at my life and realize how fucking lucky I am to be me.

As I buckled Auburn Aries into her Dad’s truck Friday night, I looked at her and said, “Do you realize this is the last time I’m ever going to see you as a seven year old?” She immediately responded, “I’m eight.” “No,” I insisted “you’re still seven and we won’t ever see seven again.”

She didn’t get it, but she didn’t have to. I drove back to Portland realizing how another chapter of my life was closing (while another begins). I found myself saddened by that which was gone. My little girl was changing every day and they are days I cannot get back. I am blessed to have each and every one with her but my baby is growing up.

I thought about relationships that I’ve had that I miss. I thought about my Mom and Dad dying and two of my favorite brothers passing away and could feel my heart physically ache. They are all chapters in my book of life that I’ve moved through and I am now faced with experiencing and writing the rest of the book without them.

It’s a journey I look forward to, I just find it interesting to be experiencing both emotions at once - sad at what was and excited about what is. The phases of your life happen without you realizing time is still passing by and you can’t get any of it back. I’ve spent time the last week thinking about what I’d do differently if I had the opportunity.

The reality is there is very little I’d change. It all landed me right here, right now, writing about how my heart and soul are healing and how good it feels to be me again.

I was offered a scholarship to Irvine to study dance in 1981. I moved out when I was seventeen years old and was finishing up high school while balancing a job, rent, car payment and bills. I loved school so much I went all the time – summer school, extra credit work, you name it (it’s possible I was avoiding circumstances at home but regardless, I did love school).

I had enough credits to graduate early, ahead of my class. This was the first scholarship that had ever been offered to someone in the Arts at my high school. I wanted so badly to accept it, but in order to do so, I would have had to have gone back to school full-time and finish the rest of my senior year making it a full four years of high school.

I couldn’t do it. It was not feasible in any way for me to go to college on that scholarship based on my circumstances.

I have regretted that decision my entire life. To this day, I wonder what my life would have been like had I taken it. I am now able to acknowledge how not taking that scholarship changed my path, and do so without feeling sad about my decision. I am now here in the Northwest with a beautiful daughter and the best friends in the world.

I am back to knowing things are going to be alright again.

I have been lucky enough to find a housemate (“Thor”) that I don’t dread coming home to. On the contrary, I look forward to his energy and warmth when I get home. This man has overcome relationship difficulties with an ex-husband of ten years that no one should have to endure. He glows with a new found sense of freedom. Though his heart is still broken it is healing. I believe it’s why our paths have crossed.

Hot Toddy actually helped me name him for the purposes of my blog. Thor, like the Norse God, is strength personified. He is rugged and powerful and is now living by his own rules. I’m enjoying watching him come into his own, meeting new people and having fun. Thor is as much of my healing process as I am his.

The book of my life may not end the way I originally thought it would, but it will have a lot of exciting things that will have taken place – and I’m certain it will have a happy ending. So, I’m going to enjoy my life without hearing the thud of that shoe dropping and hopefully, in the end, I’ll even get the girl!

Friday, April 08, 2005

Balance and Harmonic Vibe For Sale

If my life were any better, I'd have to sell it on Ebay.

For Sale:
Previously used existence currently living in 21st Century. Former empty downstairs of 3,000 s.f. home finally rented. Found, was the perfect gay man for a housemate. Kind, considerate, thoughtful, sweet, built, helpful, fun and loves Auburn Aries. No longer are the days of pulling into a house that's half empty. Now is the time of feeling the warmth of someone's kind energy when I walk in the door.

Included is the love, warmth and friendship of Hot Momma (formerly known as Runs With Fetus) and her new baby, "Cupcake" (obviously not her real name). With the exception of Auburn Aries, of course, Cupcake is probably the most beautiful baby ever born. Hot Momma already has her pre-pregnancy body back and she and The Mister are adjusting to parenthood beautifully. Now Hot Momma can get back to those 26 mile marathons. The friendship received by Hot Momma fulfills a niche that no one else can.

If purchased no later than Sunday, said purchase will include celebrating the eighth birthday of one Auburn Aries. That's right - act now so that you have the opportunity to make room for more gawd-damn Bratz or Barbie dolls. Be there to watch the joy light up her pretty little face on her birthday.

Be there on a day-to-day basis and bite your lip to keep from laughing when she's sitting in the tub explaining that she has pointy elbows and wants you to feel them. Observe her bending and extending her arm (like she's lifting a dumbbell) while she explains..."Right now, my brain and my elbows are making my arm do this." Or become even more educated when she explains to you that "the yucky, dirty breath you breath out, even the breaths that have all the germs in it, is called Carbon Dioxide."

Don't pass on the opportunity to be on Amtrak with your daughter heading up to watch the opening day for the Seattle Mariners. Watch her shutter as the train leaves the station because she's so excited.

Locate your seats at Safeco Field - seats at field level that you paid a fortune for just because you're a diehard fan, and while basking in the ambience that feeds the sports addict in you, realize that when you hear that little voice next to you say, "When is the peanut guy going to come?" that it will only be the first of 329,457 times you'll hear it until the dirty bastard gets there. Smile when you realize that you wouldn't trade one of those 329,457 times for the world, simply because you are sharing opening day with your daughter.

Experience that brief moment in time when the peanut vendor actually gets there and launches your warm bag of peanuts like a football across 40 seats, only to realize he has shitty aim and unless you have an eight foot reach, you're not going to be able to catch it and listen as Auburn Aries expresses total disgust that the bag split slightly when it hit the ground because he's a bad shot.

Be there while your eyes swell with tears when they ask everyone to stand as the opening day ceremonies begin. Put on your Oakley's before they begin announcing the 2005 Seattle Mariners starting line up because they're "your boys" and you have history and seeing them for the first time since last season will make you cry and this way no one can see your eyes.

Say a silent prayer to the baseball Gods that they'll have a kick ass season (while secretly wishing for another 2001 season and 116 wins). Accept that you will be willing to settle for a good, strong season and a great time watching.

Know in the future, that you will have to prepare yourself for the Star Spangled Banner (knowing how it usually makes you cry when you see 46,000 people all there for the same reason while showing respect toward our flag and country...and baseball) because when you see your little girl place her hand over her heart and she begins to sing it for the first time ever, while reading the lyrics on the Diamond Vision screen - even though she was out of tune, that it can't get any better than this, right here, right now, at this very moment.

Watch as your daughter drops a huge glob of whipped cream off her skewer of chocolate covered strawberries, right onto your favorite Mariner sweatshirt that she's wearing. Know in the future that whipped cream will stain said sweatshirt with what looks like a grease spot.

Watch your M's win their season opener 5 to 1 with both a three run homer and a two run homer by Richie Sexson. Leave the game sucked into that vortex called Baseball.

Experience a repeated moment of pride each time your best friend, Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven, asserts himself and/or sticks up for himself no longer being a doormat to those who are accustomed to treating as such. Watch him strengthen new relationships with old friends and be the best person he can be - For himself and no one else. New behavior isn't always easy and often comes with a lot of controversy. Take pleasure in reminding him that being true to yourself and being real is the best start.

I've lingered for the last year in a place of, not so much darkness as it is a deep shade of gray and me being forced to start over again: healing from being hurt so badly; healing from being so financially stung by my last relationship; forced to re-evaluate what's acceptable behavior and what's not; being challenged with what's always been my truth and whether or not that truth is still effective; forced into dealing with feeling betrayed; learning to trust again;having to deal with the death of my brother. All while desperately trying not to give up or end up jaded. It's been a long, arduous road.

Well, now it's my turn. Good things are happening for me and I'm going to attempt to stay out of the darkness. I have the best friends in the world. They are my family. My sister, Skinny Girl, is always there for me as well. She is my rock. Without her and my family of friends, I would be lost. I have a nice house, a great housemate, a great job, I'm single and comfortable in my own skin (though occasional sex would be nice), my daughter is healthy and smart and funny and loves me "all the way to God and back." The Goddesses provide and my friends have my back. What more could I ask for.

I am blessed.

Now that I think about it, my life's not for sale after all! I think I'll be keeping it.