Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Oak Point Man Gets Creative

My friend, Oak Point Man, sent me an email this morning that made me laugh. It is in response to my post yesterday. I am posting it today because it's worthy of sharing with all of you. It's definitely good for a giggle. His son just turned four and his usual specialty is dinosaurs, their technical names, habitat and eco-system. I've begged him to let me have his charming little boy and he just won't do it. Stingy bugger.

A Story... by Oak Point Man

Inspired by Auburn Pisces' latest "list blog", I title this "How to know if you child watches too much Discovery Channel"

How to Know Your Child Watches Too Much Discovery Channel:

1. When there are 40+ children and just as many parents/babysitters at the library for Kids Day, your child will somehow find a way to be the center of attention.

2. When the Librarian/Kids Day Leader at the library is showing kids books about bugs, your child will know more about said bugs than the Librarian/Kids Day Leader.

3. When the Librarian/Kids Day Leader shows the kids a picture of a beetle, she better not just call it a beetle, because as I state in #2, your child will know more about it than her.

4. When the Librarian/Kids Day Leader asks the kids if they know what the picture is (expecting the answer "a beetle"), she better be prepared, because The Child That Watches Too Much Discovery Channel will quickly identify it as he shouts from the top of his lungs... "It's a Dung Beetle!"

5. When the Librarian/Kids Day Leader says "Dung Beetle?....", The Child That Watches Too Much Discovery Channel will quickly explain the life history of the Dung Beetle... "Yeah... they roll poop into balls and roll it into a hole and they lay eggs in it. The babies have to eat the poop to get out."

6. After much laughter/disgust/shock from the large group, The Child That Watches Too Much Discovery Channel will elaborate with the following: "Sometimes the poop is steamy hot and stinky."

7. After the initial shock wears off, the Librarian/Kids Day Leader will read the caption associated with the photo and meekly reply, "That's right..."

8. After the bug book demo, the Librarian/Kids Day Leader will approach the parent of The Child That Watches Too Much Discovery Channel and ask how he knew that. The Proud Parent will just shake his head and say... "he just absorbs information from the Discovery Channel, I guess."

9. After Kids Day at the Library wraps up... the Proud Parent will take The Child That Watches Too Much Discovery Channel out for an ice cream cone and let him know how proud he is of his smart little boy.

10. The Proud Parent now has to be careful not to let The Child That Watches Too Much Discovery Channel watch any shows on the mating behavior of the spotted hyena.

Oak Point Man, thank you for sharing this with me (and as such, my blog friends). I love you and miss you very much (now that your nursery is taking off and you don't need me anymore *sigh*). You are a very important person in my life - what with being the straight version of Hot Toddy and there is definitely a void in my life where you once were. I miss our coffee and Oak Point Man, Jr. stories every morning. Be well. Love, Aub.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

And In Summary

ATM Card Drama

1. Don’t take your ATM card out of your wallet until you’re at the ATM because when you drop it while driving, it may end up falling into the slot where the emergency brake is located and you won’t be able to get it out.

2. In the event you do decide to take your ATM card out of your wallet prematurely, be certain that you’ve kept your car free of kid-zone items like books, art supplies, coats, lunchboxes, etc., otherwise you’ll become a raging bitch while trying to find said ATM card amongst the crap.

3. It isn’t necessary to have five almost-full water bottles rolling around under the passenger seat. And in the event you can’t find any go-cups for your tea, know they are probably with the water bottles. Water bottles get lonely.

4. If you still find it necessary to hold your ATM card during the buckling up process while driving, be sure there are batteries in the huge Mag Light so that you can see down into the center console once you start your search. That is, if you have a child that likes playing with said flashlight.

5. If you drop your ATM card down the skinny little slot, be sure your kid isn’t almost eight years old and that her hands are small enough to reach the floorboard through the hole.

6. When you rant and rave at your child that your car is not a restaurant nor is it a library or an art center, be sure to look into her eyes to see the hurt your words are causing her. I mean, it isn’t HER fault you have no boundaries.

7. If, at 11 p.m., you realize it’s a lost cause, be prepared the next morning to kindly ask your neighbor The Hot Biker if he’d kindly assist you. Be sure to have on the short, purple negligee to assure he says yes.

Hot Toast Will Make You Laugh

1. When you call the Toaster Oven to meet you for drinks because you need adult conversation and a relaxing good time, know, that is in fact, what you’ll get.

2. When engaging in conversation with Hot Older Men at CCs, know they will think your best friend is “all that” and that they will converse with you just to get to him.

3. Especially when there are two Hot Older Men each vying for the warmth of The Toaster Oven.

4. The best time EVER will happen while watching Dave Chappelle’s Show with a crowd of gay men.

5. Laughter is the best medicine.

6. Many Margaritas and Maker’s Mark, neat, will create an abundance of laughter at the drag show that’s going on. Especially when the emcee wants to hear “some noise” and Hot Toddy just keeps yelling, “Baaaaaaaaaaaah.”

7. Too many Margaritas can turn on you once you get home.

8. It’s a good idea to eat something earlier in the day to level yourself out later.

9. Taking four ibuprofen immediately prior to vomiting will turn your vomit pink.

10. Though puking only twice in 21 years is a good record, it’s still a record broken.

11. I’d have much preferred it have been because I ate the black-and-white cookie.

The Ex

1. Sometimes no amount of mental preparation will help.

2. When Daddy D calls and says she’s moved in with her new ex this weekend, know that your heart will hit the floor.

3. Know that even though not being with her is the best thing, it won’t make it any easier.

4. Realize quickly that you are just angry at yourself for ever being pulled into her whirlwind of a life and that it’s not her fault she’s moved on and you’re now just “her past.”

5. Know that there is someone wonderful and funny and beautiful and sincere who’s just as into sex as you are, just around the corner.

6. Know that you can’t look around every corner – that she’ll be coming your way when you least expect it (and are probably wearing sweats and a Mariner's Cap and no make-up).

7. Know that even this kind of heartache is better than puking. Just not by much.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Don't Call Hot Toddy a Dirty Bastard

So I’m perusing the CDs I carry in my car in my soft case and realize that I have a Rascal Flatts CD that I haven’t listened to in forever. I’ve worn out their “Melt” CD due to over-use so new material would be a good thing.

I listen once through the entire CD making mental note that there were a couple of songs that I really want my best friend to hear.

Over the course of the next few days, I find I am drawn to one song in particular. A song that makes me think, on a global scale, about my life. I find that every time I listen to the song I find a new poignant reflection that I need to get on paper or in my computer as the case may be.

I find the parallels between Toddy’s life and my own so similar that it truly is as though we are cut from the same cloth.

My reaction to the song evokes different emotions. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I feel 10 feet tall and bullet proof. I am often moved when I think about how both Todd and I have been through so much emotionally and are able to attribute the strength we now have because we’ve experienced (and survived) those adversities.

I find I cannot wait for him to hear the song.

Tuesday night we got together as you will see from my last post. When we left CC’s, we rode over to Aura together in my car. With pure excitement, I tell him of this song I needed him to hear. I turn up the volume and we both listen intently.

I could feel his energy find peace. It was a “moment.” A Pisces moment in which he was unaware. The significance and the impact this song had on me; this song that I knew was going to move him, we were sharing together. Here were two friends who have become so close and whose lives have existed in parallel when it came to love lost and broken hearts, were about to be guided toward healing just from the power of this song.

I had, over the course of the three days prior to sharing that song with Todd, started composing my next blog in my head. It would be Significant. Inspiring. Therapeutic. Liberating. It would heal my soul. It would be exciting to write knowing that in the darkness following the loss a significant relationship, I could feel the light warm my heart again.

Yesterday, after our night on the town, he sent me a chat requesting to borrow the CD. Said he wanted to make a copy onto a cassette tape. Promised he would return it the next day. For a brief moment I hesitated. I wasn’t quite done with my blog thought process and wasn’t really prepared to be without it yet. But this is my best friend. I can go one day without a silly CD.

I handed him the CD and off he went.

Today I met Ms Karma and Hot Toddy for coffee. The minute his fanny hit the chair he started talking. He was brimming with excitement. His eyes sparkled and his smile generated from his soul.

“Wait till you read my blog” he blurted. “I wrote about the song and the impact it’s had on me. I sat in The Vortex last night and listened to it over and over and…..”

“SHUT. THE HELL UP. YOU. DIRTY. BASTARD” I screamed to myself. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I thought in complete amazement. “You didn’t just tell me that you blogged about the song and what it represents to you… tell me you didn’t just say that.”

I waited for a response but then realized he couldn’t hear what I was saying. I could hear the words as though I were shouting above the horn of a Semi Truck. I couldn’t move. Someone take my pulse and see if I’m still alive. Ms. Karma…help me. My lips wouldn’t move. I am still alive right? The ringing in my ears was so great and I could do was shake my head like a dog with an ear infection. I felt like a stroke victim.

Five days. Five days I let myself just be and feel and realize. Five days I composed my blog in my head feeling great about what I was feeling. Five days I felt what I had to say was significant. In ten seconds, my friend, The Dirty Bastard, grabbed a bat and pulled a Tonya Harding on me. There I was on the ground screaming, “Noooooo” as he stood there and acted all innocent.

Do you think he even reached down to help me up? Do you think he offered any CPR? Do you think he even looked around for a hot Butch to comfort me in my time of need? Noooooo.

He just sat there all smug and happy with himself and the act of thievery he had just committed.

I hope you’re happy, Toaster Oven. Anything I share now will just be in your shadow while I look like a pathetic copy cat.

I’m never sharing my music with you again! Ever. You suck and I’m telling The Rock you don’t want him anymore! I think I’ll be doing a gay drive-by of my own. Prepare yourself for the Auburn Pisces Evil Eye...

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Pretentious Men Everywhere

Auburn Aries has the "new strain" of walking pneumonia. I stayed home with her the last two days nursing her back to health. Makes me sound like a loving, doting mother, doesn’t it? Truth of the matter is she only had this miserable cough that emanated from down deep in her lungs. She had to be on antibiotics 24 hours before she could go back to school.

She was laughing and horsing around just like usual. She’s told everyone she comes in contact with, whether in person or on the phone, that she has “the new walking ammonia.”

Fairy Godmother, in all her Virgo-ness, deemed it necessary to correct her. She doesn’t understand how infrequently those cute linguistic mishaps occur as kids get older. I was relieved to realize the correction didn’t take hold when Aries announced it to her teacher this morning.

So step-off Fairy Godmother…she’s only young once. Next thing you know, Fairy Godmother will tell her it’s not pronounced extercise or that bertend is not how you say pretend or when you aren’t paying attention to her that you’re ignoring her not that you’re annoring her.

I know Aries might want to know these things but I’m not willing to sacrifice the last few giggles I get from my “baby.”

I attended the Salon Queue gathering last night with the Toaster Oven. He wasn’t really up for the pomp and circumstance. I, on the other hand, felt the need to go somewhere besides C.C. Slaughters. I’m never going to meet Ms. Right Now if I keep hanging out with gay men at CC’s.

Though we did start at CC’s. I just want to take this opportunity to thank Tim the Hot BarToddtender for being back to work and for making me his signature margaritas. They are the best. I told him last night that he’s not allowed to leave work again. Ever.

Once Toddy and I got to Aura, the disappointment set in. I was the only lesbian in a bar with 200 gay men. This is supposed to be the new place for professional, single, gays and lesbians to meet in an atmosphere that’s not the usual bar scene. This wasn’t any different than a night at CC’s.

Last night was apparently “hoity-toity” night. There was so much pretense in the bar it was like weaving through plastic mannequins all dressed for some red carpet event. Each man was trying to out-dress the next.

When I stepped to the bar and ordered a Patron Margarita, rocks, no salt (watching my figure), the bartender very kindly said, “$13.50. Do you really want a margarita that costs $13.50?”

Now let me just say that I am accustomed to paying more for Patron. But $13.50. I could buy almost an entire bottle of Cuervo for $13.50. It was at this point that I realized this bartender was my new friend. He had my back. That’s just freakin ridiculous.

Toddy and I ordered drinks and grabbed a table at which point the topic of going back to CC’s came up. We decided to stay and have whore-deserves (or hors d’ouvres as we adults call it) which consisted of what Toddy called the $900 plate of spinach dip and chips.

Sitting there for the 30 minutes that we did was excruciating. All I could do was look at my watch anxious to get back to the other bar before Tim the Hot BarToddtender stopped tending bar.

We made it through the appetizer and headed back to the bar to close our tabs.

This is when something happened that I didn’t foresee.

As I stood at the bar waiting for the bartender to add both tabs together (he apparently had trouble with his abacus), a nice looking Bald Guy was standing immediately to my left.

BG: Hi, How are you doing tonight?
AP: Fine, I just need to get the hell out of here.
BG: Why is that?
AP: I’m the only lesbian in the entire bar.
BG: Yeah, I noticed that. What do you think we can do to fix that?
AP: Put me on the Board for one thing. There’s got to be a way to market this to lesbians as well. This is just ridiculous.
BG: Yeah, um, I’m Bald Guy, I put this event on every month.
AP: < …gulps… introduces herself>.
BG: You must be Auburn Pisces. You’re that friend of The Handsome Prince’s that he was talking about.
AP: <…the ovaries heard ‘round the world…I thought to myself> I am.

He requested my information and suffice it to say that I am now officially invited to the next Board meeting. Bald Guy and The Handsome Prince and I will get together first and have a ‘come to Goddess’ meeting, if THP is up for it that is. Otherwise, I’m on my own…battling it out for single lesbians everywhere.

We made it back to the bar in time for a couple more drinks from The Hot Toddtender. Though I always try not to forget from where I came, it was good to be home - good drinks, good friends, Hot Bartender. 'nuff said.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Kickin' the Clutter

There's too much information buzzing around in my head. I don't mean just today. I mean in general -- my mind has turned into a landslide of information, contemplation, trepidation, emotion, and decisions.

It doesn't seem that long ago that cruising through my day and being a Mom was it. Now there's all this mental clutter that I have to kick around just to have a simple thought. Everything has a dependency. Life has become one big "if-then" statement.

I want my simple, easy-going life back.

I want the things in life that are just supposed to "be" to stop changing.

There was a day when I would check the mileage on my car and actually know ahead of time the need for an oil change was approaching. Now everytime I check the freakin' thing, I'm over by a thousand miles.

I want to have the ability to go downstairs to the cafe in our building and get my breakfast and/or lunch and know I'm getting what I ordered. It's not a difficult request. Ever since the new owners took over, nothing is the same. I don't want them to ask about my life or where my "friend" is (if Toddy isn't with me, they freak out). I just want my food.

I just ordered tuna on a french roll. The tuna was grainy (what little there was), the roll was some dried out funky type of bread and not the usual San Francisco brand french bread. They no longer put pickles on tuna sandwiches. I mean, what is that all about? Everybody puts pickles on tuna, ya dumb bastards.

Oh, and I guess that just for today "no tomato" means load-the-bitch-up-with-tomatoes,-I-can't-get-enough-of-the-soggy-fuckers. Sheesh! It's not a lot to ask, people.

When I call the bottled water company and tell them to skip my next delivery, that doesn't mean leave me two more bottles.

When I make a deposit into the bank, it would be nice to know that the funds will actually be available just like every other time I've made a deposit.

When I go to C.C. Slaughter's to see Tim the Hot Toddtender, it would be nice to be able to actually see him and get my margaritas made the way I like them -- the way only he can.

It's always something. Busy here, complicated there. The entire universe just needs to take a breath and get back to what's real.

Until then, I will just maneuver away from reality into blogsphere and get my laughs where I can.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Sunshine in a Box

I have quickly become friends with one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever not met. I have, by design, always limited the number of those I consider “intimate” friends. Many friends that cross your path are just passing through. And then there are those that you know, the instant you (don’t) meet them, that they will be your friend forever.

These are the people I love the most. It is with these particular people that you can just be yourself no matter what. Becoming true friends with this type of person is effortless. You look forward to their calls because you know the conversation will be enriching. Even when the conversation is about ordinary things, you walk away feeling like you’ve become a better person for just having spent time with them.

Monday night as I approached my house, I noticed there was a box on my front step. My new friend, Pua, had sent Auburn Aries and me “Sunshine in a Box.” A gift from Cali. A random act of welcomed kindness.

Inside there was a card and as I read it, I could feel the lump in my throat begin to grow. Pua had sent us handmade scarves. Mine is aquamarine and green. I took this beautiful new scarf and held it and could feel Pua’s amazing energy. It is the most beautiful scarf I have ever seen.

Hot Toddy saw it for the first time this morning and said it looked like a Monet painting and that it was the color of water (okay, not dirty-Dago-beach water but Caribbean-take-your-breath-away water), befitting a Piscean Woman.

Auburn Aries' scarf is pink, her favorite color. As I handed Aries her scarf she was in awe.

AA: Where did **these** come from?
AP: My friend Pua made them.
AA: You can MAKE a scarf?
AP: *laughs* Now you sound like Toddy! Yes, you can make a scarf!
AA: Why did she make and send us scarves?
AP: Because she loves us and she wanted us to have them.
AA: Tell her I said thank you and I love her, too.

As you may have read in my post yesterday, Auburn Aries had a rough day. She’s been fighting a cold and had the earring problem. We stayed home yesterday and laid low. Around 12:30 p.m. I checked in on her in her TV room. She was naked, curled up on her Papason chair. I laughed until I realized her cheeks were pink. Very, very pink.

I took her temperature and she had a fever. Par for the course based on the day we were having. The fever explained why she was naked (or to use her new word…”nude”).

She remained nude all day long. Watching movies, having lunch, doing crafts. Didn’t matter. She was comfortable in her own skin, not feeling well, nude. Except for one small thing… She had her new pink scarf that Pua made her tied around her neck. She had tied it such that one end of the scarf dropped down the entire length of her body. It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

We left in the afternoon to gas up my car and run to the grocery store, but not before we donned our new scarves for the ride. As we sat at the Shell station filling up, a beautiful Dodge Ram pulled up and a beautiful man stepped out of it. As his feet hit the ground, he glanced over at me sitting in my car. And then took a double take. It made me smile. I had caught his eye and I knew it was because of my vibrant, new scarf.

As he stood to fill his propane tank, he just kept looking at me. I was very flattered and very thankful to Pua for my new accessory. I wear a lot of black in the winter. In fact, I had on my black leather blazer in the car and the vibrant colors of my scarf seem to offset the black beautifully.

I got one more smile and nod from beautiful truck guy. Even though it was the wrong gender for me, (like Toddy said this morning) it doesn’t matter. Flattery is still flattery. If this scarf works like this on men, I can’t wait to wear it around a lesbian or two!

AAries got dressed this morning and again put on her scarf. She wanted to wear it to school. She couldn't wait to show-and-tell the back of the earring that was inside of her earlobe and her new scarf.

I have been stopped a dozen times today having been asked where I got it and where one could be purchased. I was very proud to tell them that my friend had made it for me.

By the way, also in that box was a bag of Lokelani’s Kanake Nuts for Hot Toddy. As I approached him downstairs in the parking garage this morning I said, “Hey, I have your nuts in my hand.” “Now there’s something I never thought I’d hear you say!” “Well, you can thank Pua for that.”

We stood and spoke of our friend and how she’s touched our lives. Pua, you are a kind and wonderful woman. You’ve touched my heart in so many ways. Even though we met in blogsphere and have never met each other in the conventional sense, I feel I’ve known you a lifetime. Thank you for being my friend.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

This Little Pony is Going to Die

Auburn Aries had swim class last night. She’s still struggling to get through the second level. At this point, it’s her self-defeating seven year-old attitude that’s preventing her from advancing. She’s nailed every technique they’ve shown her but when it comes to the test she starts doubting herself.

Yesterday morning she said she hoped she would pass.

Then yesterday evening she wondered what she would do if she didn’t pass.

Then in the car right before class she said there’s a little pony inside of her that starts telling her that she can’t. She said it makes a “not-very-nice face” (translation: taunting face) and starts saying, “you can’t pass, you can’t do it, you’re never going to move up, you can’t do it” all while poking at her with its’ "horsey-foot" in the chest and arms and shoulders.

Oh. My. Hell. (as Hot Momma would say). Low self-esteem and fear has a face. It’s manifested itself into a creature that lives inside of my little girl. Does this ‘little pony’ not know how close to the fire it dances? I would love nothing more than to shoot its miserable ass only after torturing it endlessly for causing my baby one moment of pain.

Her words pierced my heart. What have I done wrong? Why is this beast living inside of her and why does she allow it to be heard? If she were older, I would tell her that the next time she hears it to look into the eyes of the beast and say “Fuck You. You will not deter me. Not ever.”

I glance at her and can see its’ cold-blooded eyes. That worthless pony looks back at me and with a capricious toss of it’s mane, laughs maniacally. “What are you going to about it? I’m inside her heart. You can’t touch me.”

The beast is correct. I cannot eradicate the power it has gained. It walked the souls of those with tender hearts, chose my little girl and has made a place for itself inside of her.

I asked her what she says to the little pony when she hears its words telling her she can’t. She said she tells the pony to stuff a sock in it and that she’s not going to listen to it. Relieved that she is aware that it’s preying on her, I begin to enforce that which she wants so badly to believe. “You can do this. You’re an Auburn. It’s a walk in the park. You’ve worked hard and you’ve earned it.”

I watched her physically capable of being able to advance to the next level. I watched as she struggled emotionally to get to the next level. I reached into her bag and brought out a clean pair of her ankle socks that she would wear when we left. I unrolled them and handed one to Fairy Godmother.

In between Auburn Aries practicing and practicing and before she was about to be tested, she glanced up. Right as she did, Fairy Godmother and I each stuffed a rolled up sock into our mouths. Laughing, we each pointed to our mouths. “Don’t let the little pony’s negative words in” I tried to transmit to her telepathically. I watched her enthusiastically smile and nod her head in acknowledgment.

And then I watched as her heart hit the floor when the instructor told her that maybe she’d pass next week. Once again the pony had succeeded.

She stayed in the pool trying to hide her tears. Her hard work during her lesson and her attempts not to listen to that evil little pony had failed her. I turned to Fairy Godmother and said, “I’m never bringing her back here. I’ll just get her private lessons.” Fairy Godmother never said a word. I knew she was fighting back the urge to tell me that was the wrong thing to do.

I wanted to drag that fucking instructor out of the pool and drill the bitch myself. I could see her patience growing thin with Auburn Aries when she actually took the time to work with her. She clearly preferred working with the other children. My kid required more help than the others and it was inconvenient to her. Besides, I had to take this out on someone and she was going to be easy to take out. One quick rap on the beak and down she’d go.

I walked my daughter to the showers comforting her through her tears.

After we got in the car, AAries told me that the instructor told her she was getting angry because Auburn Aries wasn’t passing the class. That she “wasn’t mad yet, but that [she’s] starting to get that way.” Motherfucker. I guess drilling her isn’t out of the question yet! I’ll just back door this situation (since she’s in high school) and call the owner and lodge a complaint. Regardless of Aries’ sitch, she doesn’t need that burden to carry as well.

I called a therapist this morning and left her a message. She apparently does art-therapy for kids who have self-esteem issues. I wonder if telling the little pony to fuck off is part of the therapy.

This morning Auburn Aries was about to get ready for school and decided she wanted to change her earrings. They’ve only been pierced since November. She reached behind her left ear and thought she had lost the back. She struggled to get the earring out of her ear and asked for help.

I looked behind her ear and felt around thinking the post was scabbed over somehow and it just needed cleaning. I mean, it’s the only explanation for why the post hadn’t fallen out, right? I reached down and gave the earring a yank and out it came.


The gold backs to virtually all of her earrings are so damn small that it had actually been forced into or pulled from the front, inside of her earlobe.

My stomach hit the floor. I turned white. Holy Shit Batman. I had never seen anything like this before. Hell, I’d never even heard of anything like this before.

I felt her lobe and sure as shit, there it was.

AAries began to cry as she freaked out.

AA: What are we going to do, Momma?
AP: I don’t know, Baby. Let me take a look at it and see if I can get it out.
AA: No! It’ll hurt.
AP: Then I’ll have to call Dr. O’Keefe and see if she can get it out.
AA: What!!! No. I don’t want her sticking a needle in my ear. I don’t want her cutting my ear off.
AP: She’s not going to cut your ear off, but we can’t leave it in there.

AAries just stared at her ear, crying.

I could feel my stomach rolling. The Chai I had drank earlier was quickly finding it’s way out of my stomach. I frantically called Fairy Godmother begging her to join me at the pediatrician’s office, “I can’t do this alone.”

Without hesitation she agreed.

I managed to get Auburn Aries calmed down. She laid on the couch apologizing for not knowing it was inside her earlobe. She spoke of how she realized the back was missing a few days earlier at school and meant to ask her teacher if she saw it behind her ear, but forgot. And how she had forgotten until today.

I looked at her ear again and explained to her that the only way to get avoid the doctor would be to let me try inserting a post into her ear making contact with the back and attempting to push it out. Reluctantly, she agreed.

I got into the bathroom before she did and began cleaning an earring. I raised my eyes to the heavens and said “God, please let this work. She’s had enough.” In she walked.

She assumed a wide stance, gripping one of her stuffed animals with white knuckles.

I slid the earring into her lobe realizing that all it did was move around the back. She flinched and began to squeal.

AP: Auburn Aries, I have to hold the back of the earring steady while I try to get the post to it.
AA: Okay, Momma.
AP: You ready? We can do this.
AA: Go ahead.

I made contact with the back of the earring and had to scrape the post against it until I could lodge it well enough to be able to move it. I stopped again, giving her a moment to prepare and then began forcing it toward the hole in the back of her earlobe.

It came right out but not without some discomfort.

She never let out a whimper. As I cleaned her ear, I stopped and looked at her and told her she was the bravest little girl I’ve ever known.

She thanked me for saying so and hugged me so hard she made tears come out of my eyes!

Regardless of where that little pony is living inside of her, we WILL win. You might as well start packing your bags you little fucker. You’re time is running out.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

An Open Letter to Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven

Dear Hot Toddy’s Toaster Oven,

Two days left. That’s all I have. Two more days of working over the cube wall from my best friend.

You’ve gone and accepted a job that is a promotion and far more visible than the job you have now. Which is a good thing, I guess *sigh*. I’m wishing now that when I dropped your name to the supervisor who hired you, that I had said some things to her that would have created doubt…

“He’s a great guy and no matter what you think, he’s not looking for a boyfriend. He’s a hard worker if you can pull his ass away from his blog. No, he’s not a heavy internet user, especially to his buddies on the East Coast. Don’t worry if you can’t locate him, he’s probably in the smoking area, grabbing food, flirting with boys online, working out in the gym or has cut out early to go drinking C.C. Slaughters. No, he’s not a heavy drinker – he drinks just enough to cover the mortgage at C.C.’s.”

I shouldn’t have told her about your interest in that particular job because she was thrilled when she found that out and I knew I had said too much!

What I should have done is lied and told her was how you really didn’t give a shit about her crappy ol’ job. I should have lied and told her that you have an aversion to working for straight chicks. I should have lied and told her you were a flag-waving, flamboyant homosexual and have difficulty not flaunting your lifestyle. I should have lied and told her there was nothing but darkness and negativity that surrounds you and that you have too many boundaries. That’s what I should have said…

You and Ms Karma and I have a routine, Hot Toddy’s Toaster Oven. Coffee and a smoke at the coffee shop across the street. Order breakfast downstairs in our building and have another smoke. Eat breakfast and then…have another smoke! This is when we get caught up on the happenings from the night before. This is when we share our thoughts after having the evening to contemplate the latest drama from the day before.

What I am I supposed to do when you’re gone? I mean, I know the number of smoke breaks will diminish which will be better for my health. I know I will get more work done.

But who’s going to tell me boy stories?

I will still have the contents of you, Toaster Oven, to feed my addiction everyday. But when you contain something witty, something that causes me break out in uncontrollable laughter (which happens regularly), you won’t be here to get your usual pleasure from “getting to me.”

We won’t be able to blurt out the East Coast interpretation of the English language that our ex-navy, golf-playing, female former-boss uses, while giggling under our breath and wondering if she realized that we had just mocked her.

I know we can still take occasional breaks together and meet for lunch, but that’s hardly the same as knowing you’re right here.

As Friday grows near, I find I have a heavy heart at the thought of you working in another building. Do you not think I’ve been through enough? Now I have to deal with abandonment issues from my Dad brother best friend? What kind of heartless bastard are you?

Do you realize how much more time I’m going to have to spend in The Vortex on the weekends to compensate for time lost during the week?

Wait. More time in The Vortex… Okay. Never mind on that last comment.

How will you get your daily fill of logic (from Ms Karma) and things of the heart (from me) when it comes to our useless advice? Do you think moving across the street into another building will stop me being able to “feel you?” Just because I had on my tin foil hat at my brothers funeral doesn’t mean the spiritual cord we share has been disconnected.

Do you really want to miss out on almost making me pee my pants from laughing when we’re on break?

All I know is Monday I will show up for work forgetting you’re not here anymore. I’ll be sitting at my desk, look around and say, “Hey, wait a minute…Where’d Todd go?” I’ll just have to trust that you’re safe in another dimension.

I hate to see you go, Hot Toddy’s Toaster Oven. And if your new boss speaks to you 50 times louder and meaner than the ex-navy, golf-playing female former-boss, you let me know. Remember, I have ovaries that clank and I’ll always have your back.

Auburn Pisces

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

A Story.... By Auburn Pisces

Key Bank of Oregon sucks.

The End.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

What I Found in the Silence

I got into my car and left The Vortex at 12:30 a.m. Sunday morning. I chose not to get on the freeway the brief distance needed to get home. As I safely continued on my path, I realized how quiet the city was. The calmness felt lonely for just a brief moment in time. I was driving home alone, no companion by my side. I would crawl beneath my down comforter donned in sweats and socks and a sweatshirt to stay warm. I can never get warm in the winter months.

Winter sometimes feels so long in the Northwest. Sunlight plays its’ game of hide and seek until it begins to gradually reveal itself as the Spring Equinox grows near. I embrace each ray of sunlight clinging to visions of spring. The sensation of the warmth of the sunlight on my skin feels a distant memory.

I had stopped drinking about 90 minutes before I left The Vortex. I was going to leave Hot Toddy’s Toaster Oven and The Math Whiz earlier in the evening but opted to wait until The Handsome Prince returned from his show so that I could get caught up with him as well. No matter how many times I see him at C.C.’s, I just don’t get the quality time I like.

As I drove home in the stillness, I realized the calming effect it had on me. I was able to breath, with my soul. It felt okay to be alone. The feeling of loneliness that had pierced through me earlier was gone. I’ve been hurt so deeply recently that I haven’t taken the time to just “be” and reflect.

Though I have been terribly hurt by relationships, it’s not my problem anymore. I need to let it go. That’s easier said than done, but I must try if I am to walk away a stronger woman and move on. I need to find my beautiful-self inside again and not let the beautiful woman inside of me continue to be used as a door mat for mean people and the pain that accompanies them.

Though my daughter has struggled with being a little chubby, she is a beautiful, intelligent, funny, loving little girl. She is a blessing. My life is important because I am making a difference in the life of this little girl. She has, and will always have, fond memories of all of the love and the laughter we’ve shared.

Though I contemplated selling my home to get out from underneath it, I was reminded (thanks to my accountant) that capital gains are not my friend. I must be meant to stay in it a while longer. I will make the best of it. I just have to find the right roommate to rent my downstairs. That would make things perfect.

I have the support and love of so many people that I find I am overwhelmed. As I thought about this while driving home, I began to tear up. I had a lump in my throat so big I could barely breathe. “My boys” (Hot Toddy, The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz) have invited me into their world. They love me unconditionally. I appreciate their love and friendship so much.

Ms Karma has bailed my ass out more than any of you will ever know. She is one of my best friends and I love her for all that she is in my life.

Hot Momma and Oak Point Man are what true friendship is when it’s at it’s very best. I wish everyone could have friendships like I have with these two.

Fairy Godmother…there’s another one who has saved me over and over again. Whether it’s because of a girlfriend, strategizing money matters, discussing parenting or drinking too many margaritas. We are there for each other and that will never change. I love you, Ell.

My family, the drunken Harley Davidson T-shirt wearing wild bunch. My sisters who I adore. My brothers who are strong. We’ve stuck together regardless of the miles between us. I wouldn’t trade one of them for a smokin’ hot lesbian waiting naked on my bed… (let’s just hope I don’t have to make that decision anytime soon!)

And then there are those of you who I’ve met indirectly through blogging. When I think of the outpouring of support and the laughter we’ve all shared and I’ve never even formally met you, I am moved. You guys are the best!

There are so many wonderful people in the world. How can I be upset with the direction my life has taken, if it has led me to all of you?

My life rocks. It’s been difficult the last couple of years but I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I am blessed. I am okay. I am loved. What more could a girl ask for?