Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Hot Toddy is Marbles

I received a voicemail from Hot Toddy night before last. Apparently he and JR were watching Will and Grace at CCs and Grace made mention of the fact that she was ovulating. With neither of the boys knowing what exactly let's a woman know when that's happening, Hot decided to call me.

Sadly, I didn't see that he had called until yesterday. When I did check my message, I sat in my home office and laughed out loud at the fact that Toddy would ask such a question.

HT: Hi Aub, it's me. I just wanted to ask you how a woman knows when she's ovulating. Okay, that's it. That's all I wanted to know. Bye

I headed over to CC's last night for a couple of hours and the minute Hot Toddy sat down he asked me the question again.

HT: So, how exactly does a woman know she's ovulating?

AP: Are you serious? You really want to know this?

HT: Yes, I want to know. [he explains watching TV with JR] I knew that I could ask you to find out. Do you actually know when the egg drops? Can you feel it drop?

AP: No it's more a matter of a physical trait your body exhibits when it happens.

HT: [puzzled look] Trait... What trait...

AP: Oh gawd. Okay. About two weeks after a woman's period is when she's most fertile. Women get...shiny...down there.

HT: Like when you pee?

AP: No. Um. When a woman wipes their...ya know... it'll look shiny. It's like a thin, shiny mucous, sort of.

HT: OH GOD!!! This is grossing me out.

AP: If a woman touches the shiny stuff and it's stretching in between her fingers, that's when she's ovulated and can get pregnant the easiest.

HT: This is disgusting. I thought it would be more like a marble dropping. You know it kinda rolls down the tube and plink. [Hot places his hand on his abdomen and jumps just a little] And then a woman would be like, "Oh, I just ovulated."

AP: No, Sweetie, it's not quite like that. But now you know if you ever decide to sleep with a woman don't do it in the middle of her cycle.

About that time Pony walked in and sat down.

Pony: So, what's up?

AP: Well, Hot Toddy was just asking me how a woman knows when she's ovulating and whether she feels it happen. So I explained it to him.

Pony: Well, do you feel it happen?

AP: [gives a quick explanation to Pony]

Pony: Fuckin' gross.

Eh, what can I say. We are complicated creatures. You boys couldn't handle everything we endure as women. Ya'll might be stronger, but we're tougher.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Holiday Hawk

While hanging with Auburn Aries last night watching CSI, that new commercial for Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash came on. It's the one with the Holiday Hawk in it. Aries decided to explain to me what it was.

AA: That's the new Cranberry Splash. It's only around once a year.

AP: So they said.

AA: You know it tastes like cranberry juice.

AP: Really.

AA: Yep. Cranberry juice with suds.

AP: What? Excuse me, baby?

AA: Cranberry juice with suds in it. You know, Mom. The same way regular Sierra Mist tastes like water with suds in it.

AP: [Begins to laugh]

AA: What's so funny?

AP: You mean carbonation?

AA: Yeah, suds...carbonation, same thing.

Aries has entered a stage of talking non-stop. She shares opinions, stories, instructions, gives suggestions, wants to read aloud get the idea. Night before last I couldn't take one more syllable. I actually turned to her and told her that I needed five minutes of no talking.

She got upset about it which was just fine with me - it still meant silence.

Last night, however, I was reminded why sometimes I just need to let her ramble!