Thursday, February 10, 2011

Hate it Here

I'm in a funk.  I hate it here in Portland right now.  I can write this because no one reads my blog anymore.  I can vent here and no one will judge me.  I'm alone with my thoughts.

Hot Toddy moved away.  Do Rag Dan moved away.  I'm not close with Pony any longer.  He went through so many changes and transitioned into a different place.  The Professor is back in San Frandisco.  The Handsome Prince and The Math Whiz - I guess once Toddy left it proved although we're all still friends, it was apparently mostly because of Toddy.

I feel alone.  I have no friends.  No one calls.  I reach out to spend time and it never happens.  Why do I live here?  Why am I not down south near Pua or Cathy?  At least it's warmer there.  I work from home full-time so I am literally in the walls of my house 24/7.  I work, I cook, I clean, I sleep.  I start it all over the next day.

I was staying here because I wanted Auburn Aries to go through mid- and high school with the same groups of friends like I had.  At what expense?  We don't go to have dinner with friends.  We don't go to barbeques.  We don't socialize in any way.  It's me and her all the time.

I don't mind that it's her and I.  We laugh all the time, we communicate well, we enjoy each others company.  But there's more to life and we're not living it.  How can I teach her life lessons and how to deal with things unless we're living it once in a while.

I'm lonely.  I'm unmotivated.  I'm searching - but it's all in my head.  

I spent the first half of my life in relationships.  It was hard to be in relationships with people who didn't have kids.  Now Auburn Aries is older and would understand me being in a relationship.  She wouldn't feel so robbed like she did when she was younger.

I'm happy being single - if I had a life outside this house.  My social life has died a quiet death.  There's more out there.  How long will I sit and think about it before I do something about it?

Only time will tell...ain't that the bitch of it!!