Friday, September 30, 2005

Once Upon a Time There Was a Young Stud

Once upon a time, there was a man. A hot, hot man. His name was Young Stud. Young Stud was a blue-eyed, sweet-faced, sparkly-eyed, broad-shouldered…Stud. He had the softest hair covering his strong chest - it was enough to make all the girls all the gay boys this woman swoon.

Young Stud was a very intelligent man. Conversations with him were uncomplicated and always satisfying. He was well read and spiritual and inside his soul lived a thousand years of wisdom. Wisdom he had yet to discover yet I knew existed.

One day while I was at work, Young Stud called and said he needed some ibuprofen and being the kind, caring person that I am, I invited his fine ass him over to my desk to get whatever he damn well pleased some ibuprofen.

While working feverishly trying to fix the pentagram and chain I wear around my neck, I caught a mere glimpse of someone surreptitiously walking toward me. I realized it was Him.

I stopped what I was doing and spun my chair around to face him as he rounded the corner into my cube. My feet hit the floor as I abruptly stopped my chair from spinning. My mouth fell open slightly as I gazed at him over the top of my very trendy glasses.

There was a certain something today that was different. Something irresistible.

My eyes ogled looked him over. Why, today, was I stripped of my breath by the same guy I frequently take breaks and have lunch with? He looked warm and sexy (sexier than usual). It was as though my eyes had fallen upon the most beautiful painting. I was drawn in.

I felt something stir inside of me.

His torso looked amazing. His shoulders especially broad. Something was offsetting those piercing blue eyes.

He stood before me wearing a predominately black sweater that looked absolutely remarkable on him. Across his yummy pecs, a broad gray stripe that appeared to increase the size of his already strong chest.

My mouth went dry. Desire flooded my motionless body. Suddenly I found myself, well, hungry! Desirous for something I hadn’t had in a while. “What” he asked. “That sweater doesn’t suck…it looks amazing on you,” I said as I struggled to form the sentence.

He laughed and shook his head and got all sparkly eyed at the compliment. All I could do was sigh…really big.

Apparently I had “that look” in my eyes. I’d inquire as to what look – but at this point, I think it’s pretty clear.

Mental Note to Self: Seasonal Affective Disorder shall be powerless if what I have to look forward to this winter is Young Stud wearing sweaters like that one. Damn, baby, bring on the rain.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Today I find myself yearning for deep conversation. I have the desire to get away – to head to the coast when it’s raining and we’re stuck inside with a fire in the fireplace or warmth emanating from a woodstove and a view of the ocean, talking. Or head to the mountains in search of the serenity I need. Not with just anyone, but with someone who truly gets me.

Someone who is my equal, a spiritual person who understands being a Pagan and who can discuss a myriad of topics with ease. Someone…deep.

I’d love to talk with someone about relationships and love; lost love and the subsequent ache your heart feels; about wanting someone so badly you ache inside and how even though age is an issue, it’s better to have loved and lost. Someone, please remind me.

Or discuss how loving someone can be the easiest thing in the world and how it made them soar.

I want to talk with someone who is excited about life and all that it brings – all of the importance in the little things. I want to hear someone agree with me when I tell them how just the right look from the person you are in love with means more than any gift they could ever give you. How when a certain someone touches your cheek or your hand, it fills your emotional bank so full you know nothing could tear you apart.

I want to laugh; I want to blush; I want to giggle like a girlie-girl and just be me. All my guard down, no catering to someone else’s emotional needs or goings on in their lives, no drama, just words. Uninhibited words. Accepted at the lowest level because they just are.

I want to talk about life’s complexities and how I’ve grown through it; I want to hear how another person has grown through it. I want to learn about emotional scars and be right there when that person sheds a tear because they got through it and how they are stronger for having done so.

I want to talk about regrets, both mine and theirs – and for all the things I am grateful for.

I want to talk about how much I miss my Mom and my Dad. I want to be hugged so tightly and so long that pulling away from each other feels unnecessary.

I find that today I miss love - the love of my parents; the love of the siblings I’ve lost; the love of a certain person and the way he touched my life; the love a great relationship brings; the love of a group of good friends gathered on the deck laughing.

I miss my parents and the unity our family had when they were alive. I miss Thor and having him right there – I miss the family that he and Toddy and Aries and I had. I miss Young Stud even though he’s right there for me, still. I miss having someone to tell about my day when I get home each night. I miss having someone to talk to as I make all these huge decisions.

Today I don’t want to be Auburn Pisces with the ovaries that clank. Today I just want to be soft and tender...and loved.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Angel Face

Now that the weather has grown increasingly chillier, I’ve been having Auburn Aries sleep in my bed with me. She is so warm.

Last night when I went to bed at 11:30, she moved around with some frustration trying to kick the covers off of her body. I reached over to help her and then laid my hand over her heart. She quickly calmed down and let out this little-girl moan. The innocence in that sleepy, quiet moan moved me. It was like she said I Love You without saying it. I realized yet again how blessed I am that this little girl is mine.

All I could do was lie there next to her and look at her. The light from a waning moon filled my bedroom. It embraced her skin and kissed her delicate little face. I knew this moment was created just for me. I watched her breathe and got a lump in my throat when I remembered she was the product of the love her Dad and I had for one another.

I carried that beautiful, feisty, strong-willed baby inside of me. She is all that I am. I love Aries more than I’ve ever loved anyone but at that moment the love I felt for her actually made my heart and soul ache.

I gently moved a strand of her red hair off her cheek. It must have tickled her a little – she squirmed lightly. “You okay, baby,” I asked. “Yes, Mommy” she whispered.

She is every part of me. I couldn’t live one moment of my life without her in it. I love the way she laughs and how she laughs at herself when she’s being silly. I love that she’ll go toe-to-toe with me even though it drives me insane when she does it. I love that we still tell each other I Love You for no reason at all. I love that I will always be her Mom regardless of what changes are going on in our lives or the world – that will always be the constant.

She’s talked a lot lately about “our family” meaning me, Thor, Toddy and her. She’s asked when our family will be back together. She’s talked of Toddy moving in and how when Thor comes home our family will be together again. She asks practically every other day how much longer Thor will be gone.

Though I have no answer for her, I always remind her he’ll always be one of her two gay Dad’s and that we still have Toddy and that Thor be home soon.

As I write this post, I am reminded how everyone I know is going through so many changes. Metro and Juju and their new house; Pony and his new house; me deciding to sell my house and then wondering whether or not I’m making the right decision; talking to Hot Toddy about moving in; Thor being gone; my neighbors selling their house and getting divorced. Change is everywhere for everyone I know right now.

I find myself feeling as though things are very unsettled, but I have to ask myself if it truly is unsettled or if it’s normal change that’s going on but it just feels bigger for some reason. Everything is in a state of flux. Big decisions hang in the balance as I try to predict the future.

I know everything will be okay. It’s just so interesting to me that what was once balanced now seems unsteady – and figuring out the answer that will stabilize everything again is like drawing a name out of a hat. It could be one of many answers.

My brothers and sisters live elsewhere. They will always be my family but they are not close by. My friends are my family. They are my constant. I am so blessed to have so many riches, none of which have anything to do with money, in my life. Though things seem strange right now and there are many unanswered questions, I don’t want for anything. I have everything I need in the love of my beautiful daughter and my wonderful friends who love me unconditionally.

Sometimes the most rewarding feeling you get is that which you receive when you’re there to be someone’s safe place to fall. Change may be steady among us, but loving each other through it will give us the reassurance we need to survive.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Slumber Parties - Only the Strong Survive

Auburn Aries had her first slumber party this weekend. I knew there would be sacrifices on my part in order to pull it off; I also thought since there were three of them, they’d keep each other busy and I could get some stuff done. Such a fool am I... Lesson learned.

When I picked up her little friends (Heaven age 8 and Hope age 6) I asked their mom if there was anything I needed to know. She replied that there was not.

“Bedwetters?” I asked.
“No, they’ve been doing really good actually” the other mom replied. (Apparently “good” is a loose term).

Heaven piped up and said, “We get stickers! When he don’t wet the bed, we get stickers and when we get 10 stickers we get a prize.”

“Really,” I asked, “How many stickers to you have?”
“Seven.” (Ohhhh great. They’ve gone a week without peeing the bed. How delightful. I can’t wait).

“Oh, one more thing” the other mom continued. “The six year old has seizures and they can’t figure out the right medication. Just blow in her face and she’ll snap out of it. It usually only happens when she gets hurt.”

Hmm. I wonder how stupid this woman thinks I am. I’ve never heard of anyone having a seizure and the medical caregiver saying ‘eh, just blow in her face – she’ll stop.’ Mental note to self, no playing in the tree house – the probability of getting hurt just rose exponentially.

“Oh, and she cries when she goes to bed” other mom added as a side note. (Good Lord. Wonderful. Perfect.)

So I load the bicycles in the trunk of my car. I put the three bags each they had loaded with crap into the car, make sure the kids are all buckled in, I sit in the driver’s seat and then hear, “I have to go potty” out of the six-year old, Hope. Shit. I get out of the car, get the kid out of the car and walk her far enough back to her apartment so that I can still see the girls in my car and see her at the same time. It was at this point that I knew it was going to be a long, long night.

On the way home the girls wanted to stop at Taco Bell for dinner and eat at my house having a picnic on the living room (hardwood) floor while watching a movie. Aries selected Charlie’s Angels (the second one). I realized that though Aries loves these movies, her little friends were unaccustomed to watching Cameron Diaz scantily clad riding a mechanical bull, throwing a leg into the air and laying back on the bull. Damn, the legs on that woman… whew. Where was I? Oh, yeah… It was at this point that they disappeared into Aries’ TV room to play with dolls!

Thinking that they would keep each other busy, I disappeared to the deck, Patron Margarita in hand and a cigarette that never tasted so good! As I walked back into the house, I was abruptly approached by two of the girls screaming for me…

AA: "Heaven just threw up all over everything."
AP: “WHAT?!” Threw up? What EVERYTHING?”
AA: “On the comforter, on the carpet, in the hallway, she filled the sink with puke and plugged it, it’s on her clothes...she even threw up on my Mickey Mouse ears!”
AP: “OKAY, OKAY, I got it!!!”

The story was true. Apparently Heaven had been sick with a cough and a cold and got spun up into a coughing fit and hurled undigested Taco Bell nachos all over the gd place. I stood there paralyzed and assessed the damage. I was actually going to have to clean up someone else’s kid’s puke - for the love of Betsy. Good Gawd.

Heaven showered while I sandblasted cleaned everything up. Poor Aries, though she wanted to help she could only stand there gagging with watery eyes.

30 minutes later Heaven announced that soup would settle her still queasy stomach. Naturally, I was out of soup. The girls donned in their jammies threw on slippers and we were heading to the store at 9:30 p.m. Or so I thought. There on my office floor sat Hope – sad because Aries had slippers and let Heaven borrow slippers but she didn’t have any. Good Christ does this bullshit ever end!!

I took the easy route:

“Come on, I’ll carry you and buy you slippers at the store.” Three cans of soup (yes, they all had to have soup) and three new pair of slippers later (oh, hush, I took the path of least resistance, I admit it) and $40 lighter in my checking account and we were out of there.

At 11:30 I attempted to get the girls to go to bed. Oh the bedding, there’s another story. In order for all the girls to sleep near each other, I pulled the futon mattress Toddy had given Aries into the living room and put Aries’ mattress along side it. In light of the bedwetting information, I took a 9’x12’ brand new drop cloth and spread it across all three mattresses so no one’s feelings would be hurt. I then covered the mattresses with sheets and blankets.

Prior to the girls laying down Heaven asks me to do something about her sore throat. What?! Like I’m a fucking magician? I don’t like medicating other kids but trusting the other mom when she said they had no allergies, I went for it. One small teaspoon of Triaminic Night Time Cold and Cough…

It took 10 minutes and it was lights out for Heaven.

I was, however, not so lucky with Hope. Because she’s so freaked out about wetting the bed (thanks Grandma), she literally got up every two minutes for 40 minutes straight to sit on the potty because she thought she had to go. I should have just handed her a thimble! I was blogging when I finally got tired of hearing her walking back and forth and told her to stay in bed.

Then the tears came. “I miss my mommy.” Plenty of rocking later, I finally laid her down and she fell asleep.

I decided to sleep on the couch that night to keep an eye on the seizure-bound, sore-throat riddled, plastic drop-cloth rattling girls. Waking up every 10 minutes all night blows, by the way.

When I awoke at 7:15 a.m. I told Aries I was heading to bed and crawled under my down comforter. It was marvelous. I heard the girls get up and go into Aries TV room at which point Aries shut my bedroom door.

I laid there alone with the cool morning air against my skin. I couldn’t sleep. I started thinking about someone - a certain person who’s had a grip on me as of late - and couldn’t get the images out of my mind. The erotic images just kept building and before I knew it I had myself worked up into such a snit that I knew I couldn’t move forward with my day until I…danced with myself.

In the quiet of the morning and with the girls playing, I reached down to take care of business. I knew it wasn’t going to take long to get there. About the time I closed my eyes and completely lost myself in those images…my bedroom door was pushed open and “Mommy, can we have breakfast now” thundered over my thoughts.

No rest for the wicked, dammit.

Though I stayed preoccupied most of the morning with a job left undone, it quickly faded to the background when I realized that when Aries and Heaven took their shower they literally flooded the bathroom floor. I walked in to find nearly every towel I own soaked and slung over the shower curtain rod, dripping…back onto the still soaked floor.

We got the girls home and Aries and I continued our day.

Overall when asked, I’m sure Aries would tell you it was a big success and that she had a blast. Myself, I was left exhausted, cleaning the residual mess three girls can create and frustrated from well…you know.

Eh....what's a Mom to do?!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Kick a Little Game

While driving Auburn Aries to school this morning , I had TLC playing in the stereo in the car. Sometimes a girl’s just gotta get her groove on and I love dancing to this particular song. I wasn’t a big TLC fan until I worked with Hack Man. He got me hooked and we’d groove to it while building servers when we were Unix Engineers here at Company X.

In order to continue this story, you’ll need to know some of the lyrics. And, okay, so they lyrics aren’t deep and meaningful but seriously with this groove who needs intellect. It’s just about getting laid. Goddess Bless ‘em for writin’ it! I’d rather dance to this than that fast techno-shit I hear playing most of the time in bars.

"Kick Your Game"

I’ve been watching
Come on let me kick a little game to you
Baby, baby let me kick a little game to you

I’ve been watching you watching me
And I know you want it
Come on let me kick a little game to you

Laying against the wall checking out the scenery
All I see is everybody trying to get with me
So I continue to play it crazysexycool
Lost all composure when I laid my eyes on you

You just wanna know if you can kick some game
Come with something more clever than just your name
See it’s like this I wanna take you home
But you gotta show me that your game is on

I’ve been watching you watching me
And I know you want it
But it depends on how you kick your game
Come on let me kick a little game to you

It’s about to close but you’ve only said a few words to me
I’ve been waiting for a dose of your personality
See I’m in the mood and if all goes right
Baby you will be you will be going home with me tonight…

So Aries and I listen to the song on the way to school. I can see her in my rearview mirror. She’s putting so much neck into her groove I was actually proud! When she gets a little older, I’ll teach her how to move her hips…just not now.

Once the song finishes the conversation went something like this:

AA: Mom, what’s it mean, ‘let me kick a little game to you.’

AP: Umm, well, ummmm, kick a little game means, ummm…chillin’ (yeah, that’s it). It means kickin back – just chillin’ with your friends. You know, kick a little game.

AA: Oh, okay.

AP: [praying she doesn’t turn to a boy at school and ask if he’ll kick a little game her way]

AA: Mom, have you been reading those parenting books again?

AP: Parenting books? What are you talking about?

AA: Chillin’? That’s a new word! Did you read that in one of those parenting books?

AP: No, and no it’s not a new word. It’s an old word, Sweetie. Just chillin’ with your friends. When Hot Toddy comes over we just chill. When me and The Boys hang on the deck we’re just chillin’.

AA: No, it’s not an old word. I’ve never heard you use it before. Ever. So, what…are you the hip, new Mom of the season?

AP: [Laughing hysterically and frantically searching for a pen and paper to make blog notes] Aries, quick find me a piece of paper. I have to write this down.

AA: You’re going to blog about this aren’t you?!

AP: Yes, now give me a piece of paper. Hurry. [Given the back seat of my car in her own personal art area, I know she’s got paper].

AA: All this ‘cause now you say chillin’?

AP: It’s not new, I promise! Hey, wait a minute…does this mean that normally I’m not a hip, new Mom?

AA: Nope. You’re not.

AP: [devastated – I always thought I was a pretty cool Mom]. Well, if I’m not a hip, new Mom then what kind of Mom am I?

AA: You’re a loving, caring kind of Mom - not a hip, new Mom of the season.

AP: Is that good?

AA: Of COURSE it’s good. It’s waaay better to have a loving, caring Mom than the other kind. I know you’ll always be there for me and love me. Those other kind of Moms are weird.

Someday when she’s older, I’ll clue her in on kickin’ a little game. There’s only one problem, I doubt I’ll ever be able to dance the way I do to this tune in a bar – which is extremely sensual – and not be reminded that I’m someone’s Mom. That has the potential to be a real buzz-kill.

But for now, I’m a loving, caring Mom. And that’s good enough for me.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

The Slow Approach of Fall

The air has begun its transition into Fall. It’s slight yet noticeable. I awake each morning long before the sunrise, feeling the young embrace of the night air as it continues it’s way into my bedroom. The crispness falls upon my skin and holds me hostage. I reach for my down comforter – the one that has temporarily taken the place of a lover to keep me warm.

Being cold feels lonely to me. It always has.

As Fall draws near, I can still recall the warmth of the Summer sunlight against my skin. It carries me through until the darkness of Winter sets in. The heat of Summer becomes merely a faint memory as it becomes increasingly remote with each day that passes.

I enjoy the gentle winds of Autumn as it kisses my neck. The breeze still fluctuates with warmth and the impending coolness of another season. It serves as a reminder that change is again upon us.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

No Room for Scaredy Cats, Juju

Julie, I read your blog yesterday and was proud of the way you opened your heart. If more people were like you, well, maybe I’d be in a long term relationship! But you’re taken. *sigh*

Too many people leave too many things left unsaid. Whether they are positive things, thoughtful, loving, intimate things or things that simply piss them off. Majority of people aren’t mind readers and too many people are left trying to reckon themselves to the outward behavior their partners display for something that may have nothing to do with what’s going on inside of them.

A cumbersome statement but I hope you understood it nonetheless. My point is that you just made Link’s life much, much easier by sharing what’s real for you.

It was interesting to read some of your fears. They are fears I would never consider having. Perhaps it's why I've been hurt so badly in the past - I've just always followed my heart and never questioned it. I know that I wouldn't change one of those relationships as they've helped make me become who I am. Each one (even the bad relationships) have taught me more about love, about myself, and about what I am and am not willing to deal with the “next time.” Hopefully one of these days there won’t be a next time.

Loving someone can be the most challenging thing in the world. Conversely, it's also the most rewarding. People have envied me and/or my life because I do and say what I want; because I love and don’t love who I want. I am not one to be placed inside the confines of gay or straight. You can’t help who you love.

The flip side to living the way I do is that in the silence of the night when all the chaos is stripped away, it’s just me. Alone. I love my life but you have someone who lives inside your soul with you. You have someone with whom you share your dreams and fears. Your core personality traits will always remain, Julie. Loving Link enhances who you are. You're not the type to let it smother who you are.

Gushing about the person you love is part of the excitement of a relationship. Don’t rob yourself of the honeymoon stages of love because you’re afraid of losing your independence. Your independence just grew to the power of two. You’re strong for you, strong for Link when he needs it and you’re strong for the relationship.

Relationships aren’t for weinies, Sister Friend.

I know you worry about getting married. Not getting married to Link necessarily but getting married in general. I understand your fears but let me share a little secret with you. Very little has to change. I know change happens in a lot of relationships but, Sister, I’m here to tell you – I still gave my husband head after nine years! I think I was the only wife left in our group of five or six couples that did but I did and that’s the point. You make it what you want it to be.

It’s true you become more comfortable with each other as things become more familiar. But within the journey of the relationship there is a new found solace, solid trust, knowing what buttons to push (or to avoid).

I enjoyed being married. I liked being someone’s wife. Even now that I identify as a lesbian, I would still enjoy being someone’s wife someday. I have come to realize that exchanging rings during a romantic evening, over a good bottle of wine and making love after you commit yourself to one another represents the marriage of two hearts more so than spending $10,000 on a wedding.

What you and Link have is real and anyone who knows you knows that.

As for kids, you’ll jump off that bridge when you get to it. There’s no good time to have them nor is there ever enough money to do so. They will change your life for the better if you’re open to it. You’ll fall so deeply in love with your child – it’ll be a love you’ve never known before.

I am a single parent and have been for seven years. It’s a hard job. There are days I call Toddy crying because I am at the end of my rope and stretched to the limit but everyday I get through it. Even in tears, I’m one of the strongest women I know. I don’t ever hate my life. Not ever. And neither will you when and if you and Link decide to have children.

Making time for yourself once you have a family is one of the first rules you learn. It’s similar to when you fly on a jet – you put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then on your child. If you take care of your child first and then you croak off what damn good did that do? Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean your child or your family will perish. On the contrary, they will thrive because of it. Taking care of yourself doesn’t equal selfishness. It creates balance.

There are stretches of time that will be boring whether you’re married or single, a parent or not, acting in a play or lying around the house. Those down times are often the times you are supposed to recharge your batteries and you don’t even realize it. Imagine your life on the go non-stop with event after event taking place. You’d be Googling “bored” and willing to pay a fortune for an off day.

With regard to your concern that you may find yourself never having enough… It took me a number of years to realize that never having enough gets exhausting. Both monetarily and emotionally. There is a natural evolution that takes place as you go through your life. It happens for everyone. A house. New furniture. Nicer clothes. Expensive Italian made shoes (oh, wait, that’s me). Buying this modern convenience or that. That’s normal. As you become more monetarily successful in your life you desire those things. Those things often times signify your success.

The key is once you have what you need, you need to recognize it and break the cycle. Keep it simple. I have an abundance of things in my life that I don’t need (and, no, the shoes aren’t part of that). I don’t want for anything. I have everything I need and I am at the point that I need to simplify my life and eliminate that abundance.

You know the saying “the most important things in life aren’t things” is true. Enjoy spoiling yourself here and there while you get established and then stop and look around at the life you and Link have created for yourselves and be proud of your achievements.

The potential to be unfaithful to Link... Knock it off and stop future trippin’ on what has not and probably will not happen!! Try as you might you will both inadvertently hurt each other now and again. Hopefully it won’t be due to infidelity. So long as you are his safe place to fall and he yours, everything will be okay.

You’re not the needy type. Neither am I. But for the times you just need someone to be there for you to love you and hold you when you feel small and vulnerable you have that in Link and me and Hot Toddy and The Elements and everyone else who loves you as much as we do.

I don’t know anyone who has ever had someone open their hearts to them and decided to use that against the person giving that love because they are now vulnerable. “She’s loves me, now I’ve got her.” No, no, no. “She loves me and now I will do everything I can to protect and love her with all that is in me.”

Not sharing how strongly you feel about something is like lying – to yourself and to those you love. Just be yourself and give your heart and experience everything you can.

And stop future trippin’ about whether or not you might feel empty. You are inherently not weak. You are inherently okay being alone if you need to. Everyone loves to be loved. That’s normal. Wanting to be loved or be happy doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re normal.

I’d love nothing more than to spend a significant amount of time with someone special. Someone who makes my eyes light up when they enter a room or who can make me smile that certain way when you’re in love. Doesn’t make me weak to want it. Won’t make me weak when I find it again.

Just because you can get married and gay and lesbian couples can’t, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. The rights of the GLBT community have long been fought. That war continues. It is a succession of battles that continue to exhaust those it affects. Our day will come. And until then each and every one of us knows that it’s love that makes a family.

You will always be smart and funny and beautiful and sexy and the light of many people’s lives. No house, no “stuff,” no Link can change who you are at your core. It’s your turn – in love, in life. Embrace it and everything about it. One of the bravest things a person can do is look at the complexity of life with all of it’s intricacies and walk through those fears to the other side.

You and Link are blessed.

Please know that I meant all of this with the utmost respect. It, in no way, was meant to sound like I was blasting you. You’re post yesterday was so honest that I felt compelled to share my thoughts. I love you Julie, and Link, and I know that you two will be happy together always.