The Path Halfway Traveled

I feel like a mess today. Not in the physical sense like my hair’s messed up or my clothes are disheveled. I feel like my life is out of control. I know it isn’t but I’m just having one of those days.

As the cost of living in Portland increases (yes, our gas prices are one of the highest in the nation) I watch my hard earned cash fly out the door. It never seems I have enough. Thing about it is, I make great money. I just poorly manage it. I never used to though. After my relationship with Daddy D ended, it’s like the poison that was our relationship continues to linger in my life. Some days I can’t seem to catch a break.

Money is tight this Christmas. I knew it was tight going into this commercialized season of giving. I can’t wait until Auburn Aries is just a little older and we can take vacations at Christmas instead of getting sucked into this whirlwind.

Regardless of how tight my money is right now, it still didn’t prevent me from helping out a friend. This particular person has three children and currently isn’t working because she’s taking care of her Mom who is terminally ill. Caring for someone who is terminal the most genuine act of love there is.

So I gave her money a few days ago. She tried to refuse it but I wouldn’t let her. There was a fleeting moment I thought twice about it. I knew it would limit what I was capable of giving to my daughter and then I looked into those beautiful eyes and realized I was being selfish by not helping her give her children some type of Christmas.

After I put the money in her hand, I was reminded of the true spirit of Christmas. I knew I did the right thing.

I walked through my house this morning and muttered a string of expletives at the tremendous amount of clutter everywhere. I can’t take it anymore. This is not how I live yet I seem to lack the discipline to do much about it right now.

Is it possible being melancholy from the holidays (only my third without my Mom) has caught up with me? Have I become so complacent in my life that I’ve lost my motivation? Or have I simply not given enough weight to the fact that a three hour commute every day is kicking my ass and I’m too damn tired to deal with it during the week?

I miss my housekeeper. ‘Nuff said.

This is not who I am. I’m someone who is always on the ball. I stay on top of my bills – not avoid the ones with cellophane windows. I keep a tidy house – not one that I need to apologize for when people come over. I’m a Piscean dreamer who’s usually reading energy and thinking about what will be – not bogged down thinking about how fucked up the things behind me have been.

Who am I and where have I gone?

There is a special woman who is interested in me, and I her. Yet is who I am right now who I want her to see? This isn’t the real me. I’m in here somewhere but will she be able to see it?

I saw a woman this summer for a while. Perhaps one day I’ll tell the story here. I ended up breaking up with here because regardless of the fact that she was heartbreakingly beautiful and I could see a future with her, she had a problem with the fact that I had a daughter and that’s not a path I will travel. It’s a package deal, end of story.

Following that break up and my intense disappointment with the fact that someone could speak that poorly of my child, I kind of threw my hands in the air and started feeling a sense of exasperation toward the prospect of every finding someone who “gets it.” I put on 10 pounds (which I’m currently working on getting rid of) and I concluded I would likely be single for a long time - something with which I am totally okay.

Then, alas, a spark flew and I’m approaching a doorway where I’ve stood before. One of hope and possibilities. Do I reach in and take the hand of this beauty and linger there for a while until I feel like I’m my better self? Is it fair to try to give of myself when I’m not taking very good care of my world right now?

I speak of these things not because I’m depressed and feeling worthless. I simply know I could be and do better and perhaps all it will take is seeing these words on the page to realize I was in here the whole time.

Each of these things is a path before me. I find myself taking hurried steps part of the way down each path but never completing the journey. I will never be successful if I don’t stay the course before me. The answers lie within me and I know this. I need only find the motivation I apparently lack to obtain them.

Ahhh Nuts

While sitting with Pony at CC's over the weekend, he shared with me a revelation:

Pony: I found out the other day jock itch is like athletes foot but it's up here [pointing to his crotch] 'cause everything is all crunched up in there and moist [as he uses his hands to make what appears to be an example of an uncomfortable crunched up scrotum. I made this assessment based on the scrunched up look on his face].

So I don't know who's been dragging their nuts across the gym floor or maybe he's been masturbating like this [lifts his foot to his crotch and pretends to rub his foot on the rather *ahem* large bulge in his Levi's] with his feet but I bet how however they did it, they're fucking weird.

AP: [Laughs hysterically at the childlike innocence with which he pleads his case] Geez, Pony - I never thought of it that way.

Hot Toddy is Marbles

I received a voicemail from Hot Toddy night before last. Apparently he and JR were watching Will and Grace at CCs and Grace made mention of the fact that she was ovulating. With neither of the boys knowing what exactly let's a woman know when that's happening, Hot decided to call me.

Sadly, I didn't see that he had called until yesterday. When I did check my message, I sat in my home office and laughed out loud at the fact that Toddy would ask such a question.

HT: Hi Aub, it's me. I just wanted to ask you how a woman knows when she's ovulating. Okay, that's it. That's all I wanted to know. Bye

I headed over to CC's last night for a couple of hours and the minute Hot Toddy sat down he asked me the question again.

HT: So, how exactly does a woman know she's ovulating?

AP: Are you serious? You really want to know this?

HT: Yes, I want to know. [he explains watching TV with JR] I knew that I could ask you to find out. Do you actually know when the egg drops? Can you feel it drop?

AP: No it's more a matter of a physical trait your body exhibits when it happens.

HT: [puzzled look] Trait... What trait...

AP: Oh gawd. Okay. About two weeks after a woman's period is when she's most fertile. Women get...shiny...down there.

HT: Like when you pee?

AP: No. Um. When a woman wipes their...ya know... it'll look shiny. It's like a thin, shiny mucous, sort of.

HT: OH GOD!!! This is grossing me out.

AP: If a woman touches the shiny stuff and it's stretching in between her fingers, that's when she's ovulated and can get pregnant the easiest.

HT: This is disgusting. I thought it would be more like a marble dropping. You know it kinda rolls down the tube and plink. [Hot places his hand on his abdomen and jumps just a little] And then a woman would be like, "Oh, I just ovulated."

AP: No, Sweetie, it's not quite like that. But now you know if you ever decide to sleep with a woman don't do it in the middle of her cycle.

About that time Pony walked in and sat down.

Pony: So, what's up?

AP: Well, Hot Toddy was just asking me how a woman knows when she's ovulating and whether she feels it happen. So I explained it to him.

Pony: Well, do you feel it happen?

AP: [gives a quick explanation to Pony]

Pony: Fuckin' gross.

Eh, what can I say. We are complicated creatures. You boys couldn't handle everything we endure as women. Ya'll might be stronger, but we're tougher.

Holiday Hawk

While hanging with Auburn Aries last night watching CSI, that new commercial for Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash came on. It's the one with the Holiday Hawk in it. Aries decided to explain to me what it was.

AA: That's the new Cranberry Splash. It's only around once a year.

AP: So they said.

AA: You know it tastes like cranberry juice.

AP: Really.

AA: Yep. Cranberry juice with suds.

AP: What? Excuse me, baby?

AA: Cranberry juice with suds in it. You know, Mom. The same way regular Sierra Mist tastes like water with suds in it.

AP: [Begins to laugh]

AA: What's so funny?

AP: You mean carbonation?

AA: Yeah, suds...carbonation, same thing.

Aries has entered a stage of talking non-stop. She shares opinions, stories, instructions, gives suggestions, wants to read aloud constantly...you get the idea. Night before last I couldn't take one more syllable. I actually turned to her and told her that I needed five minutes of no talking.

She got upset about it which was just fine with me - it still meant silence.

Last night, however, I was reminded why sometimes I just need to let her ramble!

AA: Mommy, I have my field trip to Zenger Farms tomorrow.

AP: You need to dress warmly because it's going to be cold tomorrow. Wear something long-sleeved and wear your puffy coat.

AA: I have my new hot pink rubber boots to keep my feet dry!

AP: I'll pack you a lunch. Oh! And you have those gardening gloves I bought you this summer you can take.

AA: Gardening gloves…

AP: Yeah, gardening gloves. Trust me, you'll be glad you have them.

AA: Mom, why would I need gardening gloves?

AP: Beeeecause, it a vegetation farm where there are plants. You'll be planting seeds. Remember this is the first of three field trips there. Plant seeds, watch seeds grow?

AA: We are not planting seeds.

AP: Yes you are. Mr. Teacher-man said you guys were.

AA: [insert exasperated tone here] Mom, we're making beds there.

AP: I know. Flower beds.

AA: No Mom. We're learning to make beds there.

AP: Aries, you're making the beds to plant the seeds in.

AA: What?!...

AP: Like a vegetable garden. The area you plant the seeds in are called beds.

AA: [laughing hysterically] Oh my gosh, Mom, I thought they were taking us there to learn to make beds. Like beds people sleep in.

AP: Why would you think that? [other than you're Mom is a city girl and doesn't ever get your hands in the Earth]

AA: Well, there's that farm house there with all those solar panels and I thought there were probably a lot of beds in there.

AP: Dork.

Drag Queens, Bat Kisses and a Pony

Saturday night CC Slaughter's threw their annual Halloween party. I didn't go dressed up in a costume. I didn't have the gang joining me. The Boys all had different plans so I ventured out on my own. Golden Boy was planning on being in drag while he tended bar and it was a must see. He's a beautiful man and knowing him the way I do I knew he'd settle for nothing less than impersonating a beautiful woman. I was correct. Golden Boy looked great! He even tended bar in boots that had relatively tall heels. I was impressed.

In addition to seeing Golden Boy in drag, I had the distinct pleasure of seeing my friend JR in drag. Oh my hell. Here was this very tall man sporting a big ass wig and make-up that I never thought he would have worn. He was such a good sport. He had me giggling as I watched he and Golden Boy adjust to life as a women - drinking beverages with a straw; not wanting to smudge their lipstick; complaining about long nails. I really had to laugh when I saw JR's feet and realized he was wearing sneakers with his long black dress. I also had to laugh when Golden Boy pointed out he'd lost a nail. I quickly leaned over and looked into my drink to see if I had inadvertently located the missing fingernail!

There were a multitude of drag queens meandering Saturday night. There were some with big hair, some with overly large fake breasts, there were even some with b.o. so bad it made you throw up a little bit in your mouth. It's called deodorant buddy…check into it.

There was one particular guy with extremely well built arms and upper body wearing a straw cowboy hat and overalls with no shirt. Hot, hot man. Good Lord. He caught the attention of everyone in the place.

It's so interesting to me how the tides have changed. Remember the days of straight men being fit and muscle bound? Remember during that same time period that gay men were...not? My how the tables have turned. Straight men are now those avoiding the gym in most cases and gay men are fit and strong.

Speaking of fit, strong men…segue The Toddtender. My what a yummy human being he is. He walked up wearing a Santa hat, red boxer brief-type shorts and a leather harness. Okay, he had me at the leather harness. Thank you, Toddtender for feeding the leatherwoman in me. He looks great.

I spent most of the evening hanging with Vidal and Bat Girl. Bat Girl…a friend worthy of a sexy blog name I have yet to concoct. Bat Girl and I went on a date once. It was only the one date. Golden Boy set us up. As it turns out, I'm not really her type and we've become pretty good friends over the last year or so. She and I talk on the phone from time-to-time and we text. She and I sat laughing and joking over the course of the evening until we ended up in the Rainbow Room at CC's (it's the quieter back bar).

This conversation led to that conversation led to kissing and then kissing some more. Good gawd that woman can kiss. I've been out with Hot Toddy over the years and heard him say things like, "tonight I just wanna kiss a boy." I've heard Young Stud say, "it isn't New Year's unless you make out with someone." I never really got it, just making out with someone for the sake of making out. I can, however, honestly say I have now done it. At one point Golden Boy walked up and stood briefly before walking away muttering that he needed to get away from us before round two of making out started!

I left the bar that night a.) in a great mood and b.) hammered. About the time I realized I had consumed too much Patron I flashed on the time. I had a babysitter to pay and send home.

I walked to my car realizing that I had passed the point that I should be driving. I rarely get drunk. It's just not my MO. I don't like how it feels; I don't like not being in control of myself; I don't like that it lingers there even when I don't want it to; I don't like it. Period. I usually make sure I'm okay to drive since I'm somebody's Mom. But Bat Girl cast her kissing spell on me and I was toast.

I sat in my car for a couple of minutes taking stock of my situation. There was only one thing I could do. I pulled out my cell phone and called the one person I knew I could count on to be there for me. I called Pony.

Pony has proven time and time again to not only be a man of his word, but a true friend in the most fundamental sense. He has, on more than one occasion, called me on my shit. He recently built me a computer that is unbelievably fast. He looks out for Auburn Aries and cares about her and understands that she's a part of me. He viewed being added to the list of authorized people to pick her up as an honor. I trust him with everything.

There are times I know I frustrate him. When I ask for the umpteenth time about Microsoft Money…when I've been amidst a bad depression spell and didn't have much positive to say - he's put up with me. He's been forgiving when I've needed it and conversely brutally honest when I needed it. He has great insight for a man his age. I was about to test our friendship.

At 11:38 p.m. I dialed his cell. When he answered, I was grateful and felt safe. He immediately asked where I was at. I told him. Without even needing to ask, he said he'd be right there. And he was. He probably drove 25 miles round trip to take me home and make sure I was safe. It's only the second time I've ever had to do that. The last time was years ago and Brown Eyes rescued me.

I felt like shit most of the day on Sunday. I had plans with Auburn Aries which required my car but it was still parked downtown. When she asked why it was downtown, I swallowed hard and told her it was because I did something really stupid and got drunk and made the safe choice to ask Pony for a ride. It was the Pony ride that very likely saved me from harm. It was definitely a different Pony ride than I've fantasized nevermind...

If I have a cocktail at home (which is isn't very often), I have one or maybe two. Auburn Aries has never seen me drunk. She's only ever seen me in control. When I told her I had gotten drunk she gasped and said "Oh Momma, are you okay? What was it like?" I explained to her that I hadn't eaten enough, that my stomach was upset and that I felt like vomiting. I told her I had the headache to end all headaches.

I may or may not have done the right thing by being honest with her like that. I seized the opportunity to let it be a growing experience for her rather than lie. When she got frustrated because we had plans and I had no keys and no car, I reminded her that I made a bad choice and didn't pay attention to what my body was telling me and that I was responsible for my actions. All I could do was apologize that my actions effected her and promise her it wouldn't happen again.

I am forever grateful to Pony for looking out for me and being there when I needed him. He has proven once again to be exactly the kind of man I knew he was.

Thank you, Pony, for loving me.

This is not depressing...no really!

I am a depression sufferer.

I know...weird to admit to blogdom, but it's true. It's one of those things that I liken to being in the closet. Seriously. It has a similar stigma associated with it. Even as I write this post I stop to ask myself why I would want to admit this to anyone. It has negative connotations. Do I really want to be known as "one of *those* people."

The truth is I am one of those people - on boths counts (living outside the closet is much easier).

When my Mom's Alzheimer's became overwhelming, my sisters and I put her in a nursing home (after assisted living and subsequently living with my older sister). I found myself with situational depression. I didn't know at the time that's what I had. I went to my PCP and told her I was having trouble quitting smoking. When she asked me why, the flood gates opened. Tears flowed. The reasons I was having trouble eliminating smoking had nothing to do with the cigarettes.

It was this same year I realized I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Being from San Diego I have difficulty with the gray winters up here. As the weather turns gray it's like someone is pulling down the blinds on my mind. I wilt. Moving isn't really an option since Aries' Dad lives in the NW. I'm not willing to put my daughter on a jet twice a month for his weekends.

Anyway.

Three years of Wellbutrin turned into the 'why isn't this helping anymore' conversation with my PCP. I switched meds about a month ago and I'm feeling better mentally though I find my motivation is still lacking. It's a process. For me it's just life with a side order of depression added to the mix. Not what I'd have chosen but apparently it's my path for now.

By the way, please don't think that I choose to sit on my butt and wait for meds to kick in. I am cognizant of diet, exercise, meditation, etc.

Moving on... I was on the phone today with Aries' physical therapist who inquired about missing a couple of appointments. With a deep breath I chose to share with her that I had a difficult time with my depression this summer and it unfortunately interfered with life. I told her I was trying to get back on track.

That conversation turned into her story about her depression and what worked for her. We shared our the hesitancy to discuss our stories with people. She pointed out it isn't any different than living with Diabetes or any other condition. It's in there. It exists. Not talking about it isn't going to raise awareness nor will it make it go away.

After I hung up the phone, I thought about how many people must suffer with it and not say a word. I did a little research by Googling "depression support groups portland oregon."

Something happened while I was doing that research. Something that I found so funny I actually emailed Hot Toddy, Pony, The Professor and Ren. It went something like this:

.....
Is it bad....

Is it a bad thing that I just Googled "depression support groups portland oregon" and cruised the chicks on the site I selected? ROFL

Cruising chicks with depression. How gawd damn hilarious is THAT?!?! Oh my hell. Could you imagine that conversation?

Her: "I'm sad and lonely."
Me: "I'm not sad and I'm not lonely but my house is a mess."
Her: "I'd like to kiss you but I'm too depressed to get out of my chair."
Me: "I don't want to be kissed but I'm up for a booty call if you'll shut'yer gap."

Oh my gawd. I'm crackin myself up here!

As soon as I realized I was looking at the pictures of girls on the site I said aloud, "wtf am I doing," shut it down and started laughing. Maybe I'm not as depressed as I thought!

.....

I don't mean to make light of something as serious or difficult as depression can be to deal with but when I realized I was looking at the pictures of the girls on the website saying "ooh she's cute; she's nasty; I'd do her..." I realized what a pig I was being and had to laugh at myself.

I only got one comment back from the gang as of this writing. It was from The Professor. I'll let him choose to share his thoughts but let me just say that I appreciate his pointing out that it's okay to still have a libido even when I'm down. Great minds think alike...just sayin'.