Tuesday, December 20, 2005

A look inside

I’m better. And here’s hoping I don’t have another PMS post for a long, long…long time. ‘Nuff said about that.

Portland was hit with a small snow/ice storm over the weekend. It’s been colder than this witch’s tit for almost three weeks. Clear, bitterly cold and very windy. Though I don’t care for the amount of rain the Pacific NW gets, I was actually hoping it would come so there would be cloud cover to keep in a little heat.

On Sunday, Hot Toddy, K9 and I were having lunch in the hippie district before helping Hot clear out the loft. K9 noticed half way through lunch that it had begun snowing. I watched with a certain excitement while enjoying the change (even though it didn’t represent warmth). Being a Dago girl, snow isn’t commonplace for me.

I watched it snow and realized how much I missed Auburn Aries. She had only been at her Dad’s two days and there I sat with a lump in my throat that the first time it snowed this year, we weren’t together. I grabbed my cell phone and called her to tell her the snow was on its way. Hearing her little voice caused me to tear up, I miss her so much.

We managed to get quite a bit of stuff out of the loft. I was glad we were getting it out simply because, for me, it meant that my best friend was actually living with me. He AND his belongings.

I could feel Hot’s energy all day long. As we were waiting for our lunch, I glanced up at one point and asked Hot where he had gone [mentally] and what was wrong. He laughed and shook his head saying how funny it was that I knew the second he felt something. I sat through lunch that day with two men each who carry their own burdens, pain, and uncertainty and I felt every second of it.

I was grateful that I didn’t have much of my own stuff going on so their broken spirits had somewhere to land to find a moments peace. I don’t think people realize what goes on for an intuitive person like myself. Nor do I care to explain it here. But I realized that even though sometimes I may not realize it (or times I need to hear it), I do know my place in this world.

My contribution may not be great or significant in any global sense. But I know I’m important to my family.

We ended up getting iced in Sunday evening. I made fajitas and margaritas and me, Hot Toddy, K9, and Willie hung out. It was very relaxing for me. I didn’t allow myself to get hung up on household chores or any of the other stuff that always needs to be done.

We sat/stood around in the kitchen listening to music and laughing. As I prepared dinner, I watched my friend whose spirit is being knocked around like a small sailboat centered in a storm on a big, angry sea. Toddy posted today about the last year and his moves. As I watched and felt him Sunday afternoon and evening, it occurred to me just how strong Todd truly is.

Sunday night it was as though I was watching a best and worst of compilation for both Hot and K9. I flashed through the year Todd’s had. The moving, the love, the heartache, the lessons, the lost and discovered boundaries, realizing the depths of love he is capable of giving, coping with being deceived, learning who is true friends are…the list goes on and on.

People say that I’m the strong one. I’m often asked how I do it. How I hold it together. How is it I’m able to be strong for so many. Yet I stood before my friend and could feel his inability to breath right now. I could feel the coldness of the depths to which he has fallen and could feel his legs feverishly kicking beneath him, unwilling to succumb to the darkness.

It is you, Sweet Toddy, who is the strong one. You’re surviving it. Each and every day you open your eyes and experience one more day this existence has to offer you, you’re surviving it. Once you get to a place you’re not just surviving it but once again thriving in all this lifetime has to offer you is when you’ll know the balance in your life is back. Hang on, Toddy. You’re almost there.

Hot, please never think of yourself as weak. You have had a tough year, my darling friend. Everything will be okay.

I reflected on the images I got from K9 that night as well. Similar struggles, trust issues, unhappiness, no sense of belonging. He’s only spoken of his life and experiences but the images are as clear to me as though I were there. He doesn’t read my blog. Probably best he doesn’t following my crazy rant the other day. Besides the words I would share with him would likely fall on deaf ears as he, too, has been deceived, let down.

I realized that night that I play a role in the lives of the people I love. Even on days I doubt I make a difference, I do – just by being there.

I’ve reflected on the last year with all of my chosen family. I needn’t list them here, you already know who they are. I’ve witnessed change in each of their lives. I’ve felt the pain when they’ve felt it; I’ve felt the love when it flowed freely; I’ve watched each of them grow as human beings much the same way I have.

I am blessed – even by the occasional stray puppy – that I have crossed their path for a reason. I cannot begin to tell you how my family has changed who I am as a person or how much they have reminded me what unconditional love is.

I had a chat with Ren the Rockstar earlier today. She is another loving friend who picks up my pieces when they fall. We attended a Christmas soiree over the weekend. I attended wearing this black, floor length strapless number and my stilettos. When Ren saw me, she did a double take. I was flattered.

She said this morning that what she saw when she looked over at me was ultimate confidence. How it is that that makes me as beautiful as I am. She spoke of how she has never known anyone who was more sure of their place in the world.

Sometimes I spend time wondering what the hell I’m doing – why am I working this job; am I living my life the way I’m supposed to be; am I missing my true calling… And then I think about this weekend, my chosen family, and the words Ren spoke and I realize I’m living my life exactly how I am supposed to be which is surrounded with these amazing people.

We all need each other and if it’s one thing in which I am absolutely confident, it’s in the love of my friends, my family. It’s the depth of people like Pua, Young Stud, and Ren and everyone I consider my family that make me realize that I am right where I’m supposed to be.

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