Friday, June 03, 2005

Lonesome Heart

I'm in a funk today. I don't like it. Could be PMS. Usually the only signs of that are my salt/sugar cravings and I tend to cry more. Could be a lot of things, I guess.

My best friend is in a new relationship and as such the dynamic of our relationship has been altered. Not negatively so - it's just different than it used to be. I'm starting to miss it. He’s sewn into the fabric of my life and I am very used to his presence in my heart. Because I can always feel him, I can feel his energy has shifted. He’s still there, it’s just different.

Even my talks with Thor have changed. He's another one whose energy I feel without him being anywhere near me. Feels like I haven't actually conversed with him in weeks. He's such a phenomenal housemate. He's so much more than that. He's my friend.

It would seem there is something in The Vortex that has pulled him away the last few days. Can’t imagine what that is!

Auburn Aries asked me this morning where Thor has been and when she was going to get to see him again. All I could do was shake my head realizing how much he's grown to mean to her and reassure her he would be around soon. He's only been busy the last couple of evenings and she's already missing him.

Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. And other times, I pine for my kidless life. Not that I want it back permanently as I could not imagine one day of my life without Aries in it. But there are times when my friends are all out and I have to leave the bar to go be somebody's Mom and it's frustrating.

Sometimes I feel like a kid being left out of the game. What makes it worse is knowing that the kids who get to stay are the kids in the neighborhood who always play together. Hot Toddy, Thor, The Handsome Prince, The Math Whiz, and Ms. Karma - and I don't get to play. Perhaps I'm just overdue for a Mom night out and a babysitter.

I've missed my brother, Willie, so much today. He and I were so close. He died on my Dad’s birthday in 1996. He never got to meet Aries. I got pregnant with her four days before he died. She'd have been the apple of his eye. I said aloud this morning while brushing Aries' hair, "I wish Uncle Willie were still alive." She just looked up at me not knowing what to say, but understanding all to well what I was feeling.

She brought home a tissue paper art piece she did at school of her Grandma. She got a prize for it. The caption around it spoke of how much she loved Grandma because Grandma always believed in her. She died almost two years ago. Aries knows what I’m feeling.

Willie was who I always talked to when stuff was going on. We’d meet for a drink and talk about the serious stuff first and end up laughing and being silly together. He lifted my heart to where it needed to be no matter what was going on.

I'm certain all of this will pass. It always does. I just feel lonely today...very, very lonely - even in a room full of people and with Hot Toddy and Ms Karma by my side.

"...The sails out in the harbor, are searching for the wind."

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