Saturday, April 22, 2006

Midnight Thoughts

While driving home tonight from Pony and Chopper's, I saw an American Flag waving high upon a flag pole illuminated by a white light. The wind blew the flag which caused it to wave gently and perfectly. It looked a peaceful sight and I felt proud. I feel that way every time I see a flag waving like that.

I cry every time I hear the Star Spangled Banner...especially at a sporting event. I still hold my hand over my heart when I hear it.

I love that my closest friends trust me with their most private secrets. I love being the person they trust. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I love that my relationship with Pony has evolved to the level it has. Toddy pointed out a few days ago that when they were dating, he never saw "this" (my relationship with Pony) coming. I agreed. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Pony holds my heart in his hand the way only a close friend can. I trust him implicitly.

I love that I am as spiritual as I am. I know there is more beyond this and that gives me peace.

I love that I live my life by a moral code and regardless of what that means to other people, I still live it because it's all I know. It's what makes me happy, content.

I miss my Mom and Dad.

I wish my brothers were still alive. I miss the way they laughed and the way they called me Merle.

When the people at my new job asked if I had considered moving near Company South, I immediately knew my answer. I wouldn't do that. I've lost members of my biological family and though my remaining family is not far away, my chosen family are equally as important and I don't want to forfeit being close to them.

I love feeling a breeze on my neck.

I had lunch with Oak Point Man today and he thought he had said or done something wrong, igniting a reader's comment calling me a hypocrite. I had to laugh when I thought about what he said. He could say anything to me and it wouldn't matter what anyone said because he and I will always be cool. I got to spend time with my good friend. It was calming.

I love the way Oak Point Man recalled Gurustu's comment back to the confused reader. Two of my friends were now connected and they didn't even know they were.

I was proud to be able to tell Oak Point Man about Gurustu and how he's helped me and that Gurustu is my friend...even though we've never met face-to-face.

I love that Hot Toddy turned me on to Pua's blog and that now she's my "Sister." I love that I worry about Pua and her family as though they were my own.

I miss my sister, Skinny Girl.

I wish I could lay beneath the stars with my daughter when it's warm and just talk.

When I look across a room at Hot Toddy and we smile at each other, I love how we know what the other one is thinking.

I wish I could express in words what my spirituality feels like to me. I wish everyone could feel it.

Being a Pagan feels so absolutely right for me sometimes it makes me cry. I've found my place in that regard. No one can ever take it away.

I love they way Aries says, "Good Morning, Momma" with her sleepy voice.

I spent time with My Boys tonight laughing. I watched each of them and their robust energy filled my heart. I studied their features and listened to them laughing. It made me want to curl up and sleep right there because I felt so safe.

I saw Pony and Chopper sitting side-by-side holding hands and I realized I wanted that as well. That comfortable, loving familiarity that comes with love.

I miss someone reaching out to hold my hand.

The thought of finding someone I can trust with my heart and with my daughter feels tiring, my standards are so high.

I'd like to find someone who can love and be honest without fear. That is so beautiful to me.

I know that person won't cross my path until I'm ready.

Until then, it's all good.

Tonight I am blessed with a peaceful heart.

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