Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Dago Girl Missing

It's official... I think I now consider Oregon home. Temperatures reached 102 degrees yesterday. I know that's not a lot compared to Vegas and Death Valley but for Portland, that's pretty effing hot.

I realized yesterday that even though it takes me months to get used to winter and only a day or two to get used to summer heat, I no longer particularly care for it as hot as it was yesterday and today. It was extremely muggy today - the day I decided to wear my Eddie Bauer jeans...of course.

Is it possible I've turned into a big wienie when it comes to 100 degree heat?

I started seeing a therapist again today. I haven't seen one in a couple of years - since Thor lived here. I've been dreaming about him a lot lately. When I told Auburn Aries that I had been dreaming about him, she said I should call and make sure everything was alright. I let her do the honors of leaving the message. I mean, who could seriously ignore a voice that sweet on the phone?

Apparently he could because we never got a call back.

I've decided to sell my house and move into something smaller and I find myself struggling to actually get things packed up even though there is a POD in my driveway. It's not just that either. I seem to be lacking motivation in several areas of my life and need to get to the bottom of it.

Living with depression adds another layer of things to contemplate and deal with and unless I continue to add the tools in my mental and emotional toolbox to deal with it, it takes over my life.

I started seeing a new therapist and really like her. In just a couple hours time, she helped me see more clearly why I've tried to hold onto the house the last couple of years. This big house represents a relationship that I was head over heels for; a relationship that I thought was for the long haul and a future that I thought would take place here.

I ended up buying a house that was more than I could deal with because, well, I didn't think I was going to be keeping it up on my own yet here I am. It's left me questioning true love and relationships and commitment. In as much as those reasons alone should logically be enough to sell this house, I am reminded that once again I do not make logical decisions. I am the Piscean who makes emotional decisions and this is a big one.

At this point, I've made the decision - I just need to act on it, pack this place up and start showing it. Why then do I drag my feet?

My new therapist and I had a long discussion about depression and how it is a very real biological and physiological sickness. She likened it to having pneumonia. If I were sick with pneumonia I wouldn't be able to get up and pack up the house and if I tried, it would lengthen the duration of the illness.

She said that until I get to a place where I start feeling better, wishing it were so and wishing these things around the house would get done aren't going to make it so.

So hopefully I'll be able to whittle on what's going on for me emotionally and I'll begin digging myself out of the mud in which I have become mired. It's a long hard road and if anyone had told me five years ago I'd be one of the lucky ones with depression, I'd have accused them of lying. It's just too bad there's such negative connotations associated with it because it would certainly be nice to know I'm not alone.

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