Auburn Aries is at her Dad's this weekend. I have very much been looking forward to the break. With Samhain upon us and the purchasing of a costume and the trip to the corn maze traipsing around in the mud and the subsequent trick or treating, I've been exhausted.
I was awakened this morning by a call from someone special (more on him another time) but found I couldn't fall back asleep. I curled up on the couch under a blanket and was enjoying the peace and quiet and reflecting on the week when I noticed on the coffee table a math worksheet Aries had completed.
It was chock full math riddles:
If you count by this number, you will say 100, but you will not say 10.
If you count by this number, you will say 200, but you will not say 40.
If you count by this number, you will say 300, but you will not say 75.
Find several factor pairs for the multiple of 100 you chose and list them below.
I read through her paper and was able to see the areas where she had penciled her thoughts. It was cool to see her work. I review her work but it's usually in the context of making sure it's completed and not necessarily to see that which I saw today. It literally made me laugh out loud.
The final task on the worksheet read:
Write about the strategies you used to find the factor pairs.
Aries' response:
I counted in my head, re-read what I wrote and counted on my fingers and toes. And checked with my Mom.
I was reminded that she's ten and half years old. She's growing up so fast and is extremely tall and very mature for her age ~ sometimes I forget that her mind is still young. It took about 2.5 seconds for me to miss her.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
100 Things About Me
1. I was born the 13th of 14 children. I have 10 brothers and three sisters.
2. My parents named me after the lady who owned the liquor store. She was apparently their best friend.
3. I am a natural redhead but the last few years and it's gotten progressively darker.
4. I now color my hair back to red because I detest people referring to me as a brunette (not that there's anything wrong with it).
5. My Dad got me my first bike at the dump. It had a banana seat and tall handle bars - though one of the handlebars was broken off . There was only a 4 or 5" stump sticking out. I loved that bike.
6. My Dad beat my ass once when my sister's rocking chair arm touched my rocking chair and I called her a booger and he thought I said fucker. I was only five years old. I did not know what the word fucker meant.
7. My family has always said I march to the beat of a different drummer. They're right. My older sister doesn't like me because of it. My younger sister adores me because of it.
8. My Mom made the best homemade biscuits in the world.
9. I knew I liked women when I was on a flight to Texas to see my grandparents. I sat next to a woman who I couldn't take my eyes off of. I was 12.
10. I once saw a picture of a woman in Playboy who looked exactly like her.
11. My first female sexual experience was with two different women in the same week. I lied to each and told them they were the first because I didn't want to hurt anyone.
12. I am actually bi but love, for me, can come from either sex. I don't need both. I can be happy with either.
13. To this day I wonder what my life would be like if I had really been supported when I discovered my sexual orientation.
14. Life growing up was difficult hiding so much of myself and having no one who understood me. I never understood why love was conditional.
15. My Dad had a small 20-acre ranch we called the Ponderosa when I grew up. He had 75 head of cattle - each one had a name.
16. My younger sister is who I am the closest too in my whole family.
17. We laugh just alike and we've never had a fight.
18. She now lives in Missouri and I miss her every day.
19. In 1980, my Dad sold a bull named Wobbles at the livestock auction for the down payment on my first car.
20. I once threw a half-eaten burrito from Taco Bell at my younger sister.
21. I once tried to throw a pass with a bag of Cheetos in a grocery store to my Mom who was in line about to pay for the groceries. It landed squarely on the store manager's bald head.
22. My childhood was wildly difficult due to a father who drank too much and was exceedingly strict. (that's sugar-coating it).
23. I was never able to figure out how to forgive him for hurting me nor did I understand why he did it until one day I realized he did the best he could ~ unfortunately his best wasn't good enough. It was at that point I decided to let it go.
24. Those beatings are why I'm so lenient with Auburn Aries.
25. My favorite album is Heroes by David Bowie.
26. I had a mullet in high school that resembled David Bowie's.
27. I studied dance (contemporary, ballet, pointe) for many years.
28. I was supposed to go to Japan and dance professionally but the tour was cancelled on Valentine's day in 1982.
29. I had a gig lined up to be a showgirl at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas but the moron the director of entertainment sent out to see me dance waited until the last possible day to come to the dance studio and I lost the job because I wouldn't have had time to learn the routines by that coming Monday.
30. I had no support from my family in my dancing career either. I was a great dancer.
31. My first concert was The Babies and Alice Cooper.
32. A girl from my dance company made brownies with weed in them for the concert. I hated brownies but ate one to be polite.
33. I had never been high before and at the concert I thought I was getting a contact high inside the concert when all of a sudden everyone in our group started laughing at me.
34. I've sailed on a Hobey Cat a loved it.
35. I lived in between the beach and the bay (a minute walk to each) when I lived on my own in San Diego.
36. There really is a flash of green that occurs as the Sun drops behind the horizon.
37. Living at the beach gives you a completely different outlook on life.
38. I watched I Love Lucy five times a day growing up.
39. My Dad taught me to shoot when I was 11.
40. I also learned to drive his Massey Ferguson tractor as well as his pickup truck that same year.
41. I never felt like I fit in when I grew up. I had long legs, redhair and a fiery attitude.
42. I didn't start feeling like I fit in until after I left home.
43. I love being in my forties.
44. I have better friends now than I ever had in my lifetime.
45. I would not turn back the hands of time even if I could.
46. I love that I'm a native San Diegan.
47. I love Mexican food and Patron Margaritas.
48. Some of the best margaritas I've ever had were at Casa de Bandini in Old Town in San Diego.
49. I don't like sweets for breakfast. I prefer breakfast burritos with hot salsa.
50. I don't drink coffee.
51. I prefer Earl Grey.
52. I love organic, non-fat milk.
53. I am a Pagan. It's the only belief system that's ever fit.
54. I can't put paper in my mouth nor can I see anyone else putting paper in theirs.
55. Wooden toothpicks are out also.
56. We had horses growing up and I fell in love with riding. I never seem to do it anymore.
57. My Mom pushed me toward office skills classes in high school as a backup plan in case dancing didn't pan out. I could take shorthand at 100 wpm.
58. I now work in IT and though I enjoy it, it's not what I meant to do.
59. I have OCD in peculiar ways. For instance, I can't go up the stairs leading the left foot or I have to go back down and start over.
60. My sister, Skinny Girl, has full on OCD with just about everything in her life ~ but in ways that greatly benefit her.
61. I've only traveled internationally to various placed in Mexico.
62. I had a male lover who was an artist who told me I would fit in well in Europe.
63. I say exactly what I think and don't consider that it might freak people out. I doubt that personality trait will ever change.
64. I love Harley Davidson's and if I didn't have a child, would own one of my own. I have to be around for her and don't want to increase the odds of dying because someone didn't see me on a bike.
65. I never changed schools growing up except for the transition from elementary to middle to high school.
66. Laughter goes a long way with me. Lying to me terminates friendships and relationships.
67. I've been in polyamorous relationships.
68. I paint my toenails even in the winter.
69. An ex-girlfriend had a star named after my Mom after she died. It sounds like a corny thing to do but the framed artwork of the Pisces Constellation hangs in my home office and it makes me feel close to my Mom.
70. An even closer friend made a donation to the Alzheimer's Foundation in my Mom's name. When she gave me the gift I thought it was a joke until I read the entire card. I went from laughter to tears in just seconds.
71. Every year I go to the Oregon coast with my chosen family and I love that we have this tradition.
72. I love watching really great comedians.
73. I always figured if being a professional dancer didn't work out, I'd be a lawyer or a cop.
74. I have never withheld sex as punishment. I would in turn only be punishing myself by not getting it.
75. Sex truly does get better with age.
76. I prefer dogs and have not owned a cat since I was a kid.
77. I have a lot of books I haven't read but will get to them eventually.
78. I never slept well until I bought my Carrington Chase latex bed. Now I adore sleeping in on the weekends.
79. I spent the first half of my life in relationships. I've spent the last several years single and appreciate more than ever sleeping alone in the middle of the bed.
80. Men from the south with that built in politeness of calling me ma'am, turn me on.
81. Even though I've never been to Montana, it's someplace I think I'd like to retire. Though I don't know if I could be away from the ocean since I've lived near it my entire life.
82. I miss the strength that men bring to my life. I miss feeling safe in a man's arms.
83. I think arrogance is ugly.
84. I hate that I don't have a good set of pliers.
85. I suck at taking care of myself first and it's the first rule you should follow.
86. Sometimes I forget to take my cell phone with me when I leave the house and even though I initially freak out because I left it, I'm always pleased at the silence.
87. I love philosophical conversations but never seem to have enough of them.
88. I fear what it will do to my daughter if I'm taken from this earth too soon.
89. I got married at 19 to a great man but didn't know how to be in a healthy relationship. I treated him poorly and wish now I had done right by him.
90. We have been dear friends for the last 25 years and I'm grateful we've both grown enough to appreciate each other.
91. I love watching college football and major league baseball. I enjoy watching other sports too, but sometimes not as much.
92. I love the person I've become. What I once perceived as weakness I have come to realize were, in fact, the differences that set me apart from others.
93. I love going to the coast alone and usually go once a quarter but haven't done it much in the last year.
94. I miss it.
95. I love the times I've taken Auburn Aries to the coast with me and we've just chilled out.
96. I snore.
97. I love it when it's windy.
98. I never carry an umbrella and I've never minded getting caught in the rain. It's just hair and I'll eventually dry off.
99. I miss waking up to sunny mornings like when I lived in San Diego. It just starts your day off better when the sun is shining.
100. I think everyone should believe in magic(k).
2. My parents named me after the lady who owned the liquor store. She was apparently their best friend.
3. I am a natural redhead but the last few years and it's gotten progressively darker.
4. I now color my hair back to red because I detest people referring to me as a brunette (not that there's anything wrong with it).
5. My Dad got me my first bike at the dump. It had a banana seat and tall handle bars - though one of the handlebars was broken off . There was only a 4 or 5" stump sticking out. I loved that bike.
6. My Dad beat my ass once when my sister's rocking chair arm touched my rocking chair and I called her a booger and he thought I said fucker. I was only five years old. I did not know what the word fucker meant.
7. My family has always said I march to the beat of a different drummer. They're right. My older sister doesn't like me because of it. My younger sister adores me because of it.
8. My Mom made the best homemade biscuits in the world.
9. I knew I liked women when I was on a flight to Texas to see my grandparents. I sat next to a woman who I couldn't take my eyes off of. I was 12.
10. I once saw a picture of a woman in Playboy who looked exactly like her.
11. My first female sexual experience was with two different women in the same week. I lied to each and told them they were the first because I didn't want to hurt anyone.
12. I am actually bi but love, for me, can come from either sex. I don't need both. I can be happy with either.
13. To this day I wonder what my life would be like if I had really been supported when I discovered my sexual orientation.
14. Life growing up was difficult hiding so much of myself and having no one who understood me. I never understood why love was conditional.
15. My Dad had a small 20-acre ranch we called the Ponderosa when I grew up. He had 75 head of cattle - each one had a name.
16. My younger sister is who I am the closest too in my whole family.
17. We laugh just alike and we've never had a fight.
18. She now lives in Missouri and I miss her every day.
19. In 1980, my Dad sold a bull named Wobbles at the livestock auction for the down payment on my first car.
20. I once threw a half-eaten burrito from Taco Bell at my younger sister.
21. I once tried to throw a pass with a bag of Cheetos in a grocery store to my Mom who was in line about to pay for the groceries. It landed squarely on the store manager's bald head.
22. My childhood was wildly difficult due to a father who drank too much and was exceedingly strict. (that's sugar-coating it).
23. I was never able to figure out how to forgive him for hurting me nor did I understand why he did it until one day I realized he did the best he could ~ unfortunately his best wasn't good enough. It was at that point I decided to let it go.
24. Those beatings are why I'm so lenient with Auburn Aries.
25. My favorite album is Heroes by David Bowie.
26. I had a mullet in high school that resembled David Bowie's.
27. I studied dance (contemporary, ballet, pointe) for many years.
28. I was supposed to go to Japan and dance professionally but the tour was cancelled on Valentine's day in 1982.
29. I had a gig lined up to be a showgirl at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas but the moron the director of entertainment sent out to see me dance waited until the last possible day to come to the dance studio and I lost the job because I wouldn't have had time to learn the routines by that coming Monday.
30. I had no support from my family in my dancing career either. I was a great dancer.
31. My first concert was The Babies and Alice Cooper.
32. A girl from my dance company made brownies with weed in them for the concert. I hated brownies but ate one to be polite.
33. I had never been high before and at the concert I thought I was getting a contact high inside the concert when all of a sudden everyone in our group started laughing at me.
34. I've sailed on a Hobey Cat a loved it.
35. I lived in between the beach and the bay (a minute walk to each) when I lived on my own in San Diego.
36. There really is a flash of green that occurs as the Sun drops behind the horizon.
37. Living at the beach gives you a completely different outlook on life.
38. I watched I Love Lucy five times a day growing up.
39. My Dad taught me to shoot when I was 11.
40. I also learned to drive his Massey Ferguson tractor as well as his pickup truck that same year.
41. I never felt like I fit in when I grew up. I had long legs, redhair and a fiery attitude.
42. I didn't start feeling like I fit in until after I left home.
43. I love being in my forties.
44. I have better friends now than I ever had in my lifetime.
45. I would not turn back the hands of time even if I could.
46. I love that I'm a native San Diegan.
47. I love Mexican food and Patron Margaritas.
48. Some of the best margaritas I've ever had were at Casa de Bandini in Old Town in San Diego.
49. I don't like sweets for breakfast. I prefer breakfast burritos with hot salsa.
50. I don't drink coffee.
51. I prefer Earl Grey.
52. I love organic, non-fat milk.
53. I am a Pagan. It's the only belief system that's ever fit.
54. I can't put paper in my mouth nor can I see anyone else putting paper in theirs.
55. Wooden toothpicks are out also.
56. We had horses growing up and I fell in love with riding. I never seem to do it anymore.
57. My Mom pushed me toward office skills classes in high school as a backup plan in case dancing didn't pan out. I could take shorthand at 100 wpm.
58. I now work in IT and though I enjoy it, it's not what I meant to do.
59. I have OCD in peculiar ways. For instance, I can't go up the stairs leading the left foot or I have to go back down and start over.
60. My sister, Skinny Girl, has full on OCD with just about everything in her life ~ but in ways that greatly benefit her.
61. I've only traveled internationally to various placed in Mexico.
62. I had a male lover who was an artist who told me I would fit in well in Europe.
63. I say exactly what I think and don't consider that it might freak people out. I doubt that personality trait will ever change.
64. I love Harley Davidson's and if I didn't have a child, would own one of my own. I have to be around for her and don't want to increase the odds of dying because someone didn't see me on a bike.
65. I never changed schools growing up except for the transition from elementary to middle to high school.
66. Laughter goes a long way with me. Lying to me terminates friendships and relationships.
67. I've been in polyamorous relationships.
68. I paint my toenails even in the winter.
69. An ex-girlfriend had a star named after my Mom after she died. It sounds like a corny thing to do but the framed artwork of the Pisces Constellation hangs in my home office and it makes me feel close to my Mom.
70. An even closer friend made a donation to the Alzheimer's Foundation in my Mom's name. When she gave me the gift I thought it was a joke until I read the entire card. I went from laughter to tears in just seconds.
71. Every year I go to the Oregon coast with my chosen family and I love that we have this tradition.
72. I love watching really great comedians.
73. I always figured if being a professional dancer didn't work out, I'd be a lawyer or a cop.
74. I have never withheld sex as punishment. I would in turn only be punishing myself by not getting it.
75. Sex truly does get better with age.
76. I prefer dogs and have not owned a cat since I was a kid.
77. I have a lot of books I haven't read but will get to them eventually.
78. I never slept well until I bought my Carrington Chase latex bed. Now I adore sleeping in on the weekends.
79. I spent the first half of my life in relationships. I've spent the last several years single and appreciate more than ever sleeping alone in the middle of the bed.
80. Men from the south with that built in politeness of calling me ma'am, turn me on.
81. Even though I've never been to Montana, it's someplace I think I'd like to retire. Though I don't know if I could be away from the ocean since I've lived near it my entire life.
82. I miss the strength that men bring to my life. I miss feeling safe in a man's arms.
83. I think arrogance is ugly.
84. I hate that I don't have a good set of pliers.
85. I suck at taking care of myself first and it's the first rule you should follow.
86. Sometimes I forget to take my cell phone with me when I leave the house and even though I initially freak out because I left it, I'm always pleased at the silence.
87. I love philosophical conversations but never seem to have enough of them.
88. I fear what it will do to my daughter if I'm taken from this earth too soon.
89. I got married at 19 to a great man but didn't know how to be in a healthy relationship. I treated him poorly and wish now I had done right by him.
90. We have been dear friends for the last 25 years and I'm grateful we've both grown enough to appreciate each other.
91. I love watching college football and major league baseball. I enjoy watching other sports too, but sometimes not as much.
92. I love the person I've become. What I once perceived as weakness I have come to realize were, in fact, the differences that set me apart from others.
93. I love going to the coast alone and usually go once a quarter but haven't done it much in the last year.
94. I miss it.
95. I love the times I've taken Auburn Aries to the coast with me and we've just chilled out.
96. I snore.
97. I love it when it's windy.
98. I never carry an umbrella and I've never minded getting caught in the rain. It's just hair and I'll eventually dry off.
99. I miss waking up to sunny mornings like when I lived in San Diego. It just starts your day off better when the sun is shining.
100. I think everyone should believe in magic(k).
Monday, September 03, 2007
An Update (thanks to MzOuiser)
I received an email from MzOuiser a couple of days ago. I was reminded that I have blog friends out there who enjoyed reading my posts each day and who miss me. I've been so wrapped up in my own world that often times it's felt like there was too much going on to take the time to sit down and write. In one simple email she touched upon several things that hit home.
So here's a brief update which I hope will get me somewhat caught up so that I will begin to write again.
Auburn Aries:
My little girl is doing GREAT. She's so beautiful that there are times I look at her and I can't believe she's mine. She's ten and a half years old now and 5'5" tall. Most days she's still too smart for MY own good but that's better than the opposite I guess. It just means that when she hits her teen years, I'd better just keep my seatbelt on. In fact, I should upgrade to one of those eight point harnesses like they use in Nascar.
Work:
I am working downtown again and do not miss the 90 minute commute I had to Company South. Though I have to tell you it takes me half that time to get the 11 miles to the office! I work with fantastic people at Company International. I started out doing project architecture for a while and that was really cool. Now I'm getting back into systems engineering on Solaris which is a skillset I have to blow the dust off of. I missed doing Unix stuff but I've never missed doing Solaris work. Blech. AIX is my poison. (And Toddy, I know you don't know what I'm talking about - just ignore that last part.)
Hot Toddy:
Hot Toddy and I are still close friends though we don't see each other quite as much as we used to. As you know from his blog, he's been busy with weddings and trips and softball and The Toddtender and, and, and... He and Pony and I are still tight as ever. Toddy still never misses a beat and can have me on the floor about to pee my pants in two seconds.
Pony:
Pony has, over the past couple of years, proven to be my safe port during some intense personal storms. I've struggled and he's been there to pick me up. Next to my sister, Skinny Girl, he probably knows more about me than anyone. The best thing is neither he nor Toddy have judged me through my difficult times. The sign of true friends.
Mustang:
Still have it, still LOVE it.
Sugar Bear:
The dog I thought I'd hate. Aries' little Chihuahua is now a whopping four and a half pounds. I didn't think I was going to like having a little dog in the house, but it's pretty awesome. I've only ever had large dogs and didn't realize how loving a small dog could be. I was prepared to hurt Golden Boy for giving us that puppy but as it turns out I owe him a debt of gratitude.
Personal:
I've struggled. I've deal twith my depression and recently have been diagnosed with associated OCD and ADHD. Though I'm on the upswing, my depression got so bad after several big events last year that I lost my motivation. I've had trouble getting it back. I finally feel like the clouds are lifting.
I didn't get the house listed by July like I had hoped. I couldn't seem to get it in pristine enough condition to show it. And it's hard to ask for help with stuff like that. A person is supposed to be able to care for things like that on their own.
What I've come to realize is that depression is very real. And losing motivation like I did is not uncommon. Whereas I was very concerned about taking antidepressants and now Strattera - just the thought of having to take meds made me feel weak like I should be able to deal with it on my own.
The reality of that is this: if I had diabetes I wouldn't think I could fix that on my own. I would need the insulin to get better. My brain for whatever reason misfires and I need a little help staying on track. I feel more like the old me every day which is great. Saturday was the first time in the last two years I've felt really fucking good. So I'll keep doing what I'm doing and work on my shit. It's all I can do.
So I'm still plugging away on getting the house packed. The more I pack the more there is but I'll deal with it.
I'm still single - have been for a long time now. Oh, I still have my friends with benefits when I need them, but for now, I just need to take care of me. Me and my baby girl.
So here's a brief update which I hope will get me somewhat caught up so that I will begin to write again.
Auburn Aries:
My little girl is doing GREAT. She's so beautiful that there are times I look at her and I can't believe she's mine. She's ten and a half years old now and 5'5" tall. Most days she's still too smart for MY own good but that's better than the opposite I guess. It just means that when she hits her teen years, I'd better just keep my seatbelt on. In fact, I should upgrade to one of those eight point harnesses like they use in Nascar.
Work:
I am working downtown again and do not miss the 90 minute commute I had to Company South. Though I have to tell you it takes me half that time to get the 11 miles to the office! I work with fantastic people at Company International. I started out doing project architecture for a while and that was really cool. Now I'm getting back into systems engineering on Solaris which is a skillset I have to blow the dust off of. I missed doing Unix stuff but I've never missed doing Solaris work. Blech. AIX is my poison. (And Toddy, I know you don't know what I'm talking about - just ignore that last part.)
Hot Toddy:
Hot Toddy and I are still close friends though we don't see each other quite as much as we used to. As you know from his blog, he's been busy with weddings and trips and softball and The Toddtender and, and, and... He and Pony and I are still tight as ever. Toddy still never misses a beat and can have me on the floor about to pee my pants in two seconds.
Pony:
Pony has, over the past couple of years, proven to be my safe port during some intense personal storms. I've struggled and he's been there to pick me up. Next to my sister, Skinny Girl, he probably knows more about me than anyone. The best thing is neither he nor Toddy have judged me through my difficult times. The sign of true friends.
Mustang:
Still have it, still LOVE it.
Sugar Bear:
The dog I thought I'd hate. Aries' little Chihuahua is now a whopping four and a half pounds. I didn't think I was going to like having a little dog in the house, but it's pretty awesome. I've only ever had large dogs and didn't realize how loving a small dog could be. I was prepared to hurt Golden Boy for giving us that puppy but as it turns out I owe him a debt of gratitude.
Personal:
I've struggled. I've deal twith my depression and recently have been diagnosed with associated OCD and ADHD. Though I'm on the upswing, my depression got so bad after several big events last year that I lost my motivation. I've had trouble getting it back. I finally feel like the clouds are lifting.
I didn't get the house listed by July like I had hoped. I couldn't seem to get it in pristine enough condition to show it. And it's hard to ask for help with stuff like that. A person is supposed to be able to care for things like that on their own.
What I've come to realize is that depression is very real. And losing motivation like I did is not uncommon. Whereas I was very concerned about taking antidepressants and now Strattera - just the thought of having to take meds made me feel weak like I should be able to deal with it on my own.
The reality of that is this: if I had diabetes I wouldn't think I could fix that on my own. I would need the insulin to get better. My brain for whatever reason misfires and I need a little help staying on track. I feel more like the old me every day which is great. Saturday was the first time in the last two years I've felt really fucking good. So I'll keep doing what I'm doing and work on my shit. It's all I can do.
So I'm still plugging away on getting the house packed. The more I pack the more there is but I'll deal with it.
I'm still single - have been for a long time now. Oh, I still have my friends with benefits when I need them, but for now, I just need to take care of me. Me and my baby girl.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Ponder this...
Where the hell does the bread tie go when you take it off a brand new loaf of bread?
I actually took off the plastic closure and made mental note not to lose it and by the time I removed two slices of bread for a sandwich, it had disappeared. Gone.
Not only that, but the same EXACT thing happened to the English muffin package earlier that morning when I made Auburn Aries breakfast!
I actually took off the plastic closure and made mental note not to lose it and by the time I removed two slices of bread for a sandwich, it had disappeared. Gone.
Not only that, but the same EXACT thing happened to the English muffin package earlier that morning when I made Auburn Aries breakfast!
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Dago Girl Missing
It's official... I think I now consider Oregon home. Temperatures reached 102 degrees yesterday. I know that's not a lot compared to Vegas and Death Valley but for Portland, that's pretty effing hot.
I realized yesterday that even though it takes me months to get used to winter and only a day or two to get used to summer heat, I no longer particularly care for it as hot as it was yesterday and today. It was extremely muggy today - the day I decided to wear my Eddie Bauer jeans...of course.
Is it possible I've turned into a big wienie when it comes to 100 degree heat?
I started seeing a therapist again today. I haven't seen one in a couple of years - since Thor lived here. I've been dreaming about him a lot lately. When I told Auburn Aries that I had been dreaming about him, she said I should call and make sure everything was alright. I let her do the honors of leaving the message. I mean, who could seriously ignore a voice that sweet on the phone?
Apparently he could because we never got a call back.
I've decided to sell my house and move into something smaller and I find myself struggling to actually get things packed up even though there is a POD in my driveway. It's not just that either. I seem to be lacking motivation in several areas of my life and need to get to the bottom of it.
Living with depression adds another layer of things to contemplate and deal with and unless I continue to add the tools in my mental and emotional toolbox to deal with it, it takes over my life.
I started seeing a new therapist and really like her. In just a couple hours time, she helped me see more clearly why I've tried to hold onto the house the last couple of years. This big house represents a relationship that I was head over heels for; a relationship that I thought was for the long haul and a future that I thought would take place here.
I ended up buying a house that was more than I could deal with because, well, I didn't think I was going to be keeping it up on my own yet here I am. It's left me questioning true love and relationships and commitment. In as much as those reasons alone should logically be enough to sell this house, I am reminded that once again I do not make logical decisions. I am the Piscean who makes emotional decisions and this is a big one.
At this point, I've made the decision - I just need to act on it, pack this place up and start showing it. Why then do I drag my feet?
My new therapist and I had a long discussion about depression and how it is a very real biological and physiological sickness. She likened it to having pneumonia. If I were sick with pneumonia I wouldn't be able to get up and pack up the house and if I tried, it would lengthen the duration of the illness.
She said that until I get to a place where I start feeling better, wishing it were so and wishing these things around the house would get done aren't going to make it so.
So hopefully I'll be able to whittle on what's going on for me emotionally and I'll begin digging myself out of the mud in which I have become mired. It's a long hard road and if anyone had told me five years ago I'd be one of the lucky ones with depression, I'd have accused them of lying. It's just too bad there's such negative connotations associated with it because it would certainly be nice to know I'm not alone.
I realized yesterday that even though it takes me months to get used to winter and only a day or two to get used to summer heat, I no longer particularly care for it as hot as it was yesterday and today. It was extremely muggy today - the day I decided to wear my Eddie Bauer jeans...of course.
Is it possible I've turned into a big wienie when it comes to 100 degree heat?
I started seeing a therapist again today. I haven't seen one in a couple of years - since Thor lived here. I've been dreaming about him a lot lately. When I told Auburn Aries that I had been dreaming about him, she said I should call and make sure everything was alright. I let her do the honors of leaving the message. I mean, who could seriously ignore a voice that sweet on the phone?
Apparently he could because we never got a call back.
I've decided to sell my house and move into something smaller and I find myself struggling to actually get things packed up even though there is a POD in my driveway. It's not just that either. I seem to be lacking motivation in several areas of my life and need to get to the bottom of it.
Living with depression adds another layer of things to contemplate and deal with and unless I continue to add the tools in my mental and emotional toolbox to deal with it, it takes over my life.
I started seeing a new therapist and really like her. In just a couple hours time, she helped me see more clearly why I've tried to hold onto the house the last couple of years. This big house represents a relationship that I was head over heels for; a relationship that I thought was for the long haul and a future that I thought would take place here.
I ended up buying a house that was more than I could deal with because, well, I didn't think I was going to be keeping it up on my own yet here I am. It's left me questioning true love and relationships and commitment. In as much as those reasons alone should logically be enough to sell this house, I am reminded that once again I do not make logical decisions. I am the Piscean who makes emotional decisions and this is a big one.
At this point, I've made the decision - I just need to act on it, pack this place up and start showing it. Why then do I drag my feet?
My new therapist and I had a long discussion about depression and how it is a very real biological and physiological sickness. She likened it to having pneumonia. If I were sick with pneumonia I wouldn't be able to get up and pack up the house and if I tried, it would lengthen the duration of the illness.
She said that until I get to a place where I start feeling better, wishing it were so and wishing these things around the house would get done aren't going to make it so.
So hopefully I'll be able to whittle on what's going on for me emotionally and I'll begin digging myself out of the mud in which I have become mired. It's a long hard road and if anyone had told me five years ago I'd be one of the lucky ones with depression, I'd have accused them of lying. It's just too bad there's such negative connotations associated with it because it would certainly be nice to know I'm not alone.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Big change...and a Young Stud
Things they are a changin'.
I don't know what seems to be going on in my world. It's a mix I have yet to decipher. On the one hand, my new job is going great. I'm a Sr. Systems Engineer with an emphasis on project architecture and management. I'm being introduced to some things I've not done before which is fantastic.
On the other hand, things in my personal life feel split apart.
The Professor is moving out of Portland. The college where he teaches can't seem to pull their head of out their collective asses enough to offer him tenure. This is a man who is bright, articulate, well-read, street-wise, interested in life, open-minded...the list goes on and on. Yet the powers that be can't see the importance of keeping him and their apparent lack of intelligence is going to send him back home.
I am so devastated by the fact that he's leaving that I tear up at the thought of him leaving. I'm always alone and reflecting on the family when it hits me that he'll no longer be close by. He's become such an important part of us that I cannot imagine him not just being down just down the road.
It's indicative of change that I'm not sure I'm prepared for yet.
I've decided to sell my house. I've teetered with this decision for the last couple of years and have finally realized it's time to move on. The funny thing is as unhappy as I've been with this house (bought it because Daddy D loved it), I found myself standing on the front porch, margarita in hand and feeling sad about the memories that me and Aries have created here that we'll be saying good-bye to. Well, not good-bye but you know what I mean.
I remember the first year I hung lights and Fairy Godmother came over to help me. It was cold and seemed like it took forever and I'm such a damn girl about doing shit like that that I was wholly dependant on FG to guide me through it. It was that same night that my front door decided to stick and we couldn't get back into the house. FG and I ended up busting the door down trying to get in.
We made it back in, but she had to grab finishing nails (yes, I had some) and a hammer to nail the door trim back up. We really busted the door in. I'll never forget the look on Auburn Aries sweet little face when we stood at the sidewalk and looked at the house all lit up. Now I bust out the lights in about an hour by myself and I do it before the neighbors and make them look bad!
I thought about decorating for Christmas with Auburn Aries; I thought about Thor living here and when Toddy fell in love with him and how many laughs (and cocktails) we all shared. I don't know when I've seen more kisses shared. I thought about Young Stud and the time he spent here and me always making sure he had his favorite Whiskey. I thought Toddy living here shouting up the stairs "It's 5 o'clock somewhere, it's cocktail hour." "Okay, Hot, I'll get the shaker." I thought of the comedy we'd watch and tears we shared and support we gave one another.
I thought about the time I spent here with Lorin, that heartbreakingly beautiful creature who I thought was going to be my lifetime commitment only to find out she had a problem with my daughter. She was the one, at least I thought so anyway. It's heartbreaking to find out you're not going to be able to work it out because you have a child. It's not like I could put her back!
I reflected on the dinner parties with The Boys and Pony flicking his olives out of his enchiladas; and Super Bowl parties and when Pua came to visit and stayed for almost a week...it all just came flooding back.
I was talking to my friend Hippy about how even though I knew selling the house was the right thing to do that I felt melancholy about moving again. Then he gave it to me but good:
"What emotion?!!! This isn't an emotional decision. It's a financial and economic decision. You can keep your memories but snap out of it. Get this shit done and move on."
He's a wise man. As a Pisces I often let emotion get the better of me in my decision-making.
On a different note, Auburn Aries came to me two nights ago:
AA: Can we go shopping tomorrow?
AP: Sure, Babe, what do you need?
AA: I need "cup" bras.
AP: "Cup bras?"
AA: Yeah, cause my boobs need cups now not sports bras.
AP: [falls to the floor clutching her chest and kicking her feet screaming "no, no, no, you were just in diapers!!!!"] Sure, Baby, we can do that.
We ended up going to Target to buy cup bras and she found the little A cup bras she liked. The little snot actually turned to me and said, "I'll go in the dressing room by myself and you can wait out here."
Ah huh...as IF. I responded, "NO, this is a right of passage for a Mom and I'm going in with you."
We bought three colors and she's dancing around the house feeling more comfortable and confident than ever. I, on the other hand, had my hair colored again and am looking for a good anti-aging cream for my laugh lines.
On a lighter note, I have a man in my life who I don't see nearly enough anymore. We have over the last few years remained close though life pulls us in different directions. Young Stud has a birthday coming next month. And if I'm not mistaken it's on 07-07-07. This is the last time we'll see 07-07-07 in our lifetime and I hope sincerely, with all my heart, that he makes this birthday the most special ever.
I know that if I have anything to say about it, it'll be memorable. Though it may not be in the multitude of ways I'd like to make it special, I will make sure to remind him that he is, indeed, in my heart and will be forever. I love you, Young Stud.
I don't know what seems to be going on in my world. It's a mix I have yet to decipher. On the one hand, my new job is going great. I'm a Sr. Systems Engineer with an emphasis on project architecture and management. I'm being introduced to some things I've not done before which is fantastic.
On the other hand, things in my personal life feel split apart.
The Professor is moving out of Portland. The college where he teaches can't seem to pull their head of out their collective asses enough to offer him tenure. This is a man who is bright, articulate, well-read, street-wise, interested in life, open-minded...the list goes on and on. Yet the powers that be can't see the importance of keeping him and their apparent lack of intelligence is going to send him back home.
I am so devastated by the fact that he's leaving that I tear up at the thought of him leaving. I'm always alone and reflecting on the family when it hits me that he'll no longer be close by. He's become such an important part of us that I cannot imagine him not just being down just down the road.
It's indicative of change that I'm not sure I'm prepared for yet.
I've decided to sell my house. I've teetered with this decision for the last couple of years and have finally realized it's time to move on. The funny thing is as unhappy as I've been with this house (bought it because Daddy D loved it), I found myself standing on the front porch, margarita in hand and feeling sad about the memories that me and Aries have created here that we'll be saying good-bye to. Well, not good-bye but you know what I mean.
I remember the first year I hung lights and Fairy Godmother came over to help me. It was cold and seemed like it took forever and I'm such a damn girl about doing shit like that that I was wholly dependant on FG to guide me through it. It was that same night that my front door decided to stick and we couldn't get back into the house. FG and I ended up busting the door down trying to get in.
We made it back in, but she had to grab finishing nails (yes, I had some) and a hammer to nail the door trim back up. We really busted the door in. I'll never forget the look on Auburn Aries sweet little face when we stood at the sidewalk and looked at the house all lit up. Now I bust out the lights in about an hour by myself and I do it before the neighbors and make them look bad!
I thought about decorating for Christmas with Auburn Aries; I thought about Thor living here and when Toddy fell in love with him and how many laughs (and cocktails) we all shared. I don't know when I've seen more kisses shared. I thought about Young Stud and the time he spent here and me always making sure he had his favorite Whiskey. I thought Toddy living here shouting up the stairs "It's 5 o'clock somewhere, it's cocktail hour." "Okay, Hot, I'll get the shaker." I thought of the comedy we'd watch and tears we shared and support we gave one another.
I thought about the time I spent here with Lorin, that heartbreakingly beautiful creature who I thought was going to be my lifetime commitment only to find out she had a problem with my daughter. She was the one, at least I thought so anyway. It's heartbreaking to find out you're not going to be able to work it out because you have a child. It's not like I could put her back!
I reflected on the dinner parties with The Boys and Pony flicking his olives out of his enchiladas; and Super Bowl parties and when Pua came to visit and stayed for almost a week...it all just came flooding back.
I was talking to my friend Hippy about how even though I knew selling the house was the right thing to do that I felt melancholy about moving again. Then he gave it to me but good:
"What emotion?!!! This isn't an emotional decision. It's a financial and economic decision. You can keep your memories but snap out of it. Get this shit done and move on."
He's a wise man. As a Pisces I often let emotion get the better of me in my decision-making.
On a different note, Auburn Aries came to me two nights ago:
AA: Can we go shopping tomorrow?
AP: Sure, Babe, what do you need?
AA: I need "cup" bras.
AP: "Cup bras?"
AA: Yeah, cause my boobs need cups now not sports bras.
AP: [falls to the floor clutching her chest and kicking her feet screaming "no, no, no, you were just in diapers!!!!"] Sure, Baby, we can do that.
We ended up going to Target to buy cup bras and she found the little A cup bras she liked. The little snot actually turned to me and said, "I'll go in the dressing room by myself and you can wait out here."
Ah huh...as IF. I responded, "NO, this is a right of passage for a Mom and I'm going in with you."
We bought three colors and she's dancing around the house feeling more comfortable and confident than ever. I, on the other hand, had my hair colored again and am looking for a good anti-aging cream for my laugh lines.
On a lighter note, I have a man in my life who I don't see nearly enough anymore. We have over the last few years remained close though life pulls us in different directions. Young Stud has a birthday coming next month. And if I'm not mistaken it's on 07-07-07. This is the last time we'll see 07-07-07 in our lifetime and I hope sincerely, with all my heart, that he makes this birthday the most special ever.
I know that if I have anything to say about it, it'll be memorable. Though it may not be in the multitude of ways I'd like to make it special, I will make sure to remind him that he is, indeed, in my heart and will be forever. I love you, Young Stud.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Auburn Aries and Sugar Bear
This is my baby whooping it up on her 10th birthday. We were in Chili's having dinner - and yes I had to endure the "baby back ribs" song as sung by Fat Bastard over and over again - she decided to drink every cocktail in the drink menu!
For my birthday, Golden Boy gave me one of his Chihuahua pups (the female). It was a generous gift and one that I thought long and hard about before accepting.
Auburn Aries has always wanted a puppy but I was hesitant to give her one considering she can't keep her room clean. I suck at tough love so she gets away with it.
When Golden Boy's dog became preggers, I had the duration of her pregnancy to decide whether AA was up for it. Who am I kidding, to decide whether or not I was up for it. As you will see from the adorable picture below, I graciously accepted Golden Boy's gift and Auburn Aries became the happiest little girl ever.
The picture is a little blurry, but you get the general idea. Her name is Sugar Bear and she weighed 13 ounces when we brought her home. She fit in the palm of Auburn Aries' hand.
When Golden Boy put Sugar Bear in Aries' hands, she cradled her up against her neck and through tears kept saying, "my very own puppy. i can't believe i got my very own dog."
All I could do was look at Golden Boy and know I did the right thing.
His was a most generous gift.
In as much as I wasn't all for a puppy in the house, let alone a tiny one like her, I have come to realize that it brings a certain life and energy into a home that's not like anything else.
Yes, there's the occassional tootsie roll found off in a corner on the floor. And yes, her baby teeth cut like an Exacto blade. Overall though, it's been one of the best things I could have given to Auburn Aries.
Thank you, Golden Boy, for reminding me that I needn't live my life in a vacuum. You could have let me know, however, that I was going to be using mine a lot more. Who knew a Kleenex could be shredded that small?
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