Monday, November 28, 2005

At 21, he's more than legal

While dining at Red Robin with Auburn Aries and my friend Tall Girl:

AP: [I don’t know what prompted me saying this but…] Maybe the dingo ate your bay-bay.

AA: What?

AP: It was a Seinfeld episode where they were at a party on Long Island and Elaine was fed up with a woman who kept yammering about how she couldn’t find her fiancé. She kept saying how her fiancé was missing and how she couldn’t find her baby, meaning her boyfriend. Elaine said, “Maybe the dingo ate your bay-bay.” It was from a movie called “A Cry in the Dark.” Eh, nevermind.

AA: [Pulls her cheeks wide apart] Maybe the Flintstones ate your bay-bay.

AP: [Dies laughing and tries to tell Auburn Aries that it was DINGO not FlintSTONES and the difference between the two.]

Continuing with the restaurant story. Our server was this tall, built, attractive young buck whose name was…um, it was… crap his arms were huge and strong…his name though.. it was… his ass was firm and muscular. Crap, I know he had a name tag on… At least I think he had a name tag on.

Anyhoo, Tall Girl was captivated by his appearance (though I can’t imagine why) and felt the urge to strike up a conversation with Hard Body.

TG: Say, we have a bet going [we did not have a bet going nor was I aware she was going to use this tactic]. How old are you?

HB: How old do you think I am?

TG: 23?

HB: [turns to me] How old do YOU think I am?

AP: 28

HB: I turned 21 last April.

AP: [thinks to herself… DAMN]

TG: 21! You could be my child…

HB: [laughs and starts to walk away]

AP: [turns to him and says] You’re old enough to be my LOVER.

TG: [laughs]

AP: What are doin’ sayin’ shit like that?!?! That’s not the mental image you want him to have about you – that you’re old enough to be his mother! Good gawd. Sensual older woman, yes. Mother-figure, no.

Later that afternoon I was telling Hot Toddy about the boring, blasé server hot, built server, sparing no details (for Toddy’s benefit of course) at which point Aries pipes up:

AA: [speaking to me] Hey, I thought you were gay. Why are you checkin’ out guys?

AP: I’m gay, I’m not dead! I can still appreciate a fine lookin’ man. Besides, I was doing it for Toddy’s benefit.

AA: Yeah, right.

Of course, I probably have her Dad to thank for her current state of mind with regard to sex. She found his porn collection the last time she was there.

AA: ...And we opened this bag that I thought was full of my old Barbies and there were videos inside. So [my niece] pulled one out and it said "Slippery When Wet" on the cover.

AP: Oh, shit. What did you do?

AA: Well, we flipped it over and looked at the back.

AP: What was on it?

AA: A...guy... and he was [starts giggling] sticking his penis in the girls.....[covers mouth and appears grossed out] vagina.

AP: Nice. Well, I was hoping it'd be a while before you saw that kind of thing. Remember the talk we had about the birds and the bees? That's how the sperm gets inside to get to the egg.

AA: That's GROSS, Mom.

AP: You think it's gross now, it won't seem gross when you're older. Just do me one favor. When you're finally ready to do that, make sure the guy has on a condom.

AA: You mean a penis baggy?

AP: Yes.

AA: Well, I can't believe Dad has those sex movies. He came in and saw the bag out and said "ooops, that bag is mine" and walked out with it. I guess this explains why Dad is so desperate, huh?

AP: [mental note to self: never tell Aries it was YOU who ordered all those tapes]

Fortunately for me, she's forgotten about the time she opened up the drawer to my nightstand and found all my "friends" all lined up in a row. She was four at the time and I was cooking dinner.

AA: Mom, come here I have to ask you something.

AP: What is it Aries, I'm right in the middle of dinner.

AA: Just come on please.

We walk into my bedroom and I felt my stomach start to tighten. We continued around the foot of my bed toward the "passenger" nightstand. There before me was the drawer pulled all the way out.

AA: What are THOSE?

AP: Why are you going through the drawers in my bedroom?

AA: I don't know. But what ARE those?

AP: Aries, if you can't respect Mommy's things and stay out of my stuff, you're not going to be able to watch TV in here anymore.

I closed the drawer and prayed she'd never make the connection between all the various sized latex dildos and the only penis she had ever seen which was her Dad's. I knew I couldn't use the old "neck massager" story because none of mine (at the time) vibrated.

She's never asked me about the dildos since and I am grateful. I'm not ready to have the "Mommy pleases herself" conversation yet.

As Tall Girl pointed out during lunch, "She'll be the most educated kid in sex ed class. 'I know what that does and what the name of that is and how you do that.' With you as her Mom, how could she not be?

As of this writing, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad one!

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